You Ever Blink and Suddenly It’s 6 Years Later?

I recently moved to a new city. I graduated University in May. Moved in September. Been here since. It’s cold, it’s wet, it’s beautiful but it’s dark and I miss the sun. I miss looking up and feeling warm, I miss sitting on the edge of a pool with my feet in the water with sweat dripping down my back and the bottom of my thighs feeling the heat of the stone. But it’s okay. I’m trying to be positive and I distract myself enough to not have the sadness consume me. 

When I moved here I almost immediately began dating this guy Brandon. We watched a football game at my college friend’s apartment and vibed, the weekend after he took me to a haunted house which I loved. I love being scared. I love creepy things and not knowing. I love screaming in the car and laughing so hard I close my eyes. We planned to go on Saturday and then didn’t because it was pouring rain out that night and there was a wait of over an hour to get in. So we went back to his place and watched A Nightmare Before Christmas. The next day, Sunday, however, we went to the haunted house and that was great. He was sweet. He was thoughtful and sweet and a good kisser and silly with great taste in music. He helped me name my new car - Julian, after his favorite and my second favorite lead singer - Julian Casablancas (Anthony Kiedis is my first). All the while that I was seeing him, it felt like we just jumped straight in and it was cool because there was no prelim period, we just jumped. But it felt a little too committal for such little time together. Then one night we went out and I was drunk and kissed a good friend of mine, let's call him James, that I’d secretly been crushing on since I moved to this city. James and I talked about talking and had decided that after Thanksgiving we’d figure out what we were going to do. But then Thanksgiving happened.

Rewind to my first week in this city and we had a volunteer event. I saw a cute guy with a shirt from my university. So I tell him “nice shirt,” he made a what the fuck face, and walked away. From then on I thought of him as an asshole. Because he was.

Fast forward to Thanksgiving day. I wasn’t able to go back home for the holiday, so we had a Friendsgiving. Someone invited the asshole, let’s call him Dean. But I figured I wouldn’t be a bitch, I’d made sangria, and I wanted to make him feel included since he didn’t know anyone there except this one girl. I didn’t talk to him much, but he would give me a shy smile or look at me when someone said something ridiculous and he knew I understood his silent judgment. Towards the end of the night, he told me he liked my outfit. I drove him and my friend home. I dropped off my friend and then asked him where he lived. We drove to his place and then sat in my car talking from 9 PM til 330 AM that night. I was supposed to see Brandon that night and just completely forgot. I was supposed to be talking to James the following week about “us.” But the asshole truly captivated me. That was Thursday. Saturday we went out dancing and he came with, a bunch of guys asked me to dance and I politely declined, I wanted Dean’s attention. He walked me back to my car after, I drove him to his apartment, and we sat in my car until 730 AM just talking. I decided that night I was ending things with Brandon and wasn’t gonna start anything with James. 

By Monday I’d ended it with Brandon. Tuesday I’d had dinner with James and we’d agree to stay friends. Dean was sick that Tuesday so after dinner with James, I stopped by to drop him off some tea. We’ve been “dating” since but it seems as though he doesn’t want to define it just yet and I’m okay with that for now I think but after being single for over 5 years, I’m ready to not be anymore. And Dean is weird and complex but so easy to talk to and funny and I appreciate his existence so much. Sometimes when I drive home and think about him I get momentarily nervous, it’s weird. But I think I’m in this more than him. I don’t know if it’s what’s going on with his life right now - as he is looking for a better job more suited to him and hates his current job - or if he’s just always like this, but I’m always putting myself out there for him and it’s never reciprocated. He makes me scared, irrational, jealous, overthink everything, but happy. Not happy in a dependent way. I don’t need a guy to be happy, clearly I’ve proven this over the last five years, but nonetheless he does make me forget everything. The sadness isn’t hanging over me as much when he’s there. Which is why I say I think I’m in this more than him, I think he’s momentarily sad because of his job circumstances but I feel like I’m just a sad person in general who focuses more on making other people happy. 

I was feeling sad tonight and wanted to talk and he just kind of disappeared. So I texted Brandon just to hear from him and that was nice. I texted my ex that I’m good friends with, he has a kid now, just to talk but he has work in the morning so that was a bust. I got on tumblr to write and stumbled upon messages from another ex when I was a junior in highschool. I’d wondered what happened to him, he deleted all social media years ago and has been off the grid since, but I found his ex’s Instagram, he got back togethere with her after me. I saw a photo of him and he changed so much it was radical to see him look that way. I’ve kept this image of him and it was weird seeing him in another way. I found other friends I knew in highschool and it was weird. That ex that dropped off social media is engaged. The other good friend ex has a baby and is married for the second time. A friend from highschool is a chef at the Ritz Carlton, has twins, and lived in Italy for a while. My bestfriend of over ten years graduated from Brown University in May and is now living in Spain. And I was sitting here on  my bed sad about Dean and sad about nothing and suddenly I couldn’t breathe. I was gasping for air. How did I get here an how am I nearly 23 years old and how is it six years later and I feel like I have done nothing? And I know that’s not the truth, because in a non-brag honest type of way, I’m the most successful of anyone I know from my past. I graduated from the top university in my state, from the 5th best business school in the US, from the 3rd best program for my major in the US, I’m working for Microsoft and getting paid an amount I never believed I could make straight out of college, I’m dating an equally well educated man who isn’t a criminal or drug user like any of my ex’s, I don’t have children, I’ve got an amazing family. But yet I feel like this happened so quickly, time passed so fast, and I feel like I’m the only one who hasn’t moved. Will I always be dissatisfied? Is it dissatisfaction with life or myself? I don’t know what I’m doing. I doubt anyone is reading this at this point.

I wonder if my dad just screwed me up so much that I can’t survive without the attention of a man or constant validation. I can. I can. I know I can. But I want it.

Tell me what to do.