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words-made-of-atoms · 26 days

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words-made-of-atoms · 27 days

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A(b)sent Presence

With no one else before have I felt the fragility of time before. Dancing planets, untouched My longing heart singing a song of desire that is not loud enough To be heard by you, before you go Challenging me to be more precise, more concise Will I get to feel you again Before time divides the space which births us anew?

At least I feel the mark of urgency to wake up from slumber, Unveiling and stepping into my clarity in full vulnerability to show I Am Here Allowing you to react to that i with your own truth. Connect or Disconnect. A Flicker for now That is at least Genuine

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words-made-of-atoms · 1 month

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“How can you say you love one person when there are ten thousand people in the world that you would love more if you ever met them? But you’ll never meet them. All right, so we do the best we can. Granted. But we must still realize that love is just the result of a chance encounter.”

— Charles Bukowski

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words-made-of-atoms · 2 months

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Standing on the stove

Missing you so very much it hurts.

I don't want to be too clingy.

Thinking of ways to distract myself.

Trying to remember how you supported me in that week when you didn't need to.

I'll do everything I can to make space for us to meet like that again.

I just need to work through my own loneliness, be patient, not annoy, give you space - don't I?

Flashes of my childhood pass me by

Being fingered ecstatically into my first orgasm

Being filled with childish joy and overwhelm

Not grasping the moment

Exasperated

And later

Having waited for repetition.

For safety to return

Having tried to follow all rules and be a good kid.

Helping him in his burning need.

Surrendering and Vanishing.

But that joy has never returned.

Only vague hopes that he didn't think needed to be fulfilled long before replacing them with the rough pain of his unmet needs and endless devouring desire.

Blinding, paralyzing pain with which I had to pay

for the joy

(that I did not ask for,

or did I?)

I strained my patience and hope until the pain havocked my body and soul.

I still don't remember how I managed to let him go without him taking my life.

Maybe it was just childish belief he would follow through on a big threat, when he couldn't keep a simple promise.

I still wonder how I suvived.

Life passing before my eyes.

Unresolved pain.

Conflict.

Guilt.

Lonelines.

Everlasting excrutiating, strangling, heart-twisting torment.

I wish I would pass out or away.

No amount of crying will relieve this from me.

I need contact.

Wishing to be noticed in my pain

cowering on the floor, giving in to emotion, succumbing to pain and hoping to be met in it. I've never had that happen in time.

To the outside I'm either hysterical or frozen and stuck within myself.

I slowly return to the present.

Missing you still, but unsure, if I should protect myself this time.

They say love is worth being vulnerable for.

But they also warn you to not be stupid and fall for the same trap again.

Only that it is not the same.

Is it?

I cannot tell and it confuses me.

How do I know?

For how long do I wait, what is my part in this?

Being your supporter while also learning from gruesome life lessons.

How will I ever be healthy? How can I get to a healthier state in the first place?

Am I repeating my patterns or do I see them where they are not?

How can I stay clear sighted?

Neptune is turning me nebulous and fuzzy again

There my flatmate enters the room, meeting me with an innocent smile - g(r)o(w)ing through grief himself and being all too familiar with having to work through his own pain

He's so vulnerable and no person I would have hoped to accompany me through this

And yet I am so very grateful that he does!

I ask about his day and he answers me still smiling.

Unwilling to be devoured to his own pain.

So unlike me.

Drying my tears we talk about things within his realm that he understands and feel safe for him (or maybe it is me that understands that much less in the grand scheme of things)

My food is inedible.

I start getting the chocolate cookies

Sharing them between wounded souls.

Singing a song in a language we both don't understand.

Sharing a hopeful smile until we withdraw into our own worlds again.

There you are texting me.

I'm glad for the cookies and the song to have soothed my soul in between.

I'll keep myself open for you.

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words-made-of-atoms · 2 months

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What isn't there gives room to grow

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words-made-of-atoms · 2 months

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I mind

Enganging with otherness isn't as lighthearted as I made myself belive for a long time now. I do have boundaries, experience distate and repulsion within me, beside my curiosity for new angles of existence. For a long while I overrode my own perception - just for long enough to take in what otherwise would have landed in the trashbin of judgement. Causing me to sometimes get poisoned with thought and belief that can both steer off path as well as expand once own horizon. Now I wonder how to combine those two realizations. I might dislike certain qualities strongly and I still would like to understand your angle to experience genuine empathy.

I would like to engage in my own way without having to bend over backwards to define the shape of your arsehole for you, just so you can be sure of yourself. (why not, I wonder, though - isn't that divine sexuality -why do we not mentally, physically, spiritually fuck the whole world-why only fragments of it?) Oh I mind so very much. But I don't feel the strength within me to break another time in front of the world to make it aware of its blind spots. I don't feel like I'm a part of it. So what next?

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words-made-of-atoms · 2 months

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passionpeachy_ on Instagram

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words-made-of-atoms · 2 months

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Not being heard in my needs. Wrong! They are recognized.

Not being given control. Not entirely Not seeing my control. Somewhat closer Feeling out of control and vulnerable.

Because I love you and I cannot stear the connection. I cannot see where we will meet again. Reminicent of the cry of a baby screaming for it's mother and not being met in time. A father gone, threatening the security of the environment I have never forgiven that. I still feel the terror in my bones A new chance to increase tolerance and trust. To widen my love towards life. Loving more deeply. Living more connectedly. Wasn't that what I dreamed of for so long? If I manage to stay with myself and don't need to resort to judgement. Take a deep breath and rock yourself to sleep. This time around you can sense the light that will follow

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words-made-of-atoms · 2 months

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Separation

Separation of roles, thoughts values

Separation as tunnels to build, shape, uphild expectations The pushing away of opportunities, so envisioned realities can be manifested & realized Prioritization. Determination of Values. What do I want to include in my reality Exile of options Refining the experience asks for a specific cutting of existence "I only need this part of this source to achieve a specific vision" The digestive system of the Soul. Lack of expectation as an omnivorous soul. "I accept every experience, since I will use it as it comes to me in any way I can access life"

Where is the self determination? Can I decide for myself what I want to be?

Tom is seclusive. I hate it, because I am the opposite ( and seem to lack the ability to be like that. I just haven't figured out how I can be this decisive) On the other hand I lock myself away from experiences that I do experience curiosity for out of self-condoned moral self-righteousness. How I despise myself for that and still feed of it. What happens when you connect the disconnect? Let me touch the dirt, eat the ants, be fucked senselessly in places shame cannot help but to fall away, as not to turn against myself. But haven't I tried that road before in different ways? Am I not disgusted by the pure "audacity" of people chewing to loudly, by my disabled flatmate shitting in the shower, by the people not caring which diseases they catch from moving around carelessly, by sleeping around mindlessly, whomever they just want to connect with. I want to connect. I want to connect too and I even miss out on that with close friends. Should I try tantric sex? Will that fulfill me? Will I be able to create such an experience? Is it already off that I speak it out, destroying all opportunities of romantication? I long for romance. For this string of essence that connects the planetary system and sings its song in deafening silence. Please fill the lungs of my soul with oxygen I am drowning I am drowning I give away power, of course I will keep swimming as long as life allows me I am an endless hypocrite, for gods sake it's hard to stand myself and keep standing

When will I allow nature to touch me again? That was my Eden I have fallen from. My source that I have felt has betrayed me. That I felt so violated by. What have you done to me? My people. Almost ancient. And how have I treated you in this life? With arrogance and disappointment spitting the gum on your feet that left my 11 year old mouth. I still remember that. I still regret it too. But I cannot fall on my knees and forgive you for my deeds either. I lack trust in you. I feel scared of being connected to you. I feel scared of being surrounded by you. Nature nature nature nature nature nature nature I need you and I fear you. I fear you. I long for you.

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words-made-of-atoms · 2 months

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I keep myself from life. Actively destroy it by thinking. Thinking of which rituals to perform to access it - to be allowed to access it by thinking of the things I saw others do when I fell in awe with them, when I adored them, when I envied them. I copy their surroundings, but I do not feel the source. And when the feelings inside me are good, they start to crumble as soon as I look back at them. Because they don't match the picture of what I thought it should look like to feel good, to live life. How autistic of me. More gut-wrenching. How much energy and life have I already wasted? Can I somehow make up for that? Haven't I shed too many tears? How much mourning do I need to do until I reach a safe haven? A place that feels like home. I have build myself an environment that was supposed to represent me, dreams that I wanted to live as a child that were denied from me, spoken out of existence. I fought that back rebelliously only to find out that chuldhood has already passed me by. I understand now. I have become a woman. I am no longer that defenseless. I am taking my words back. Allowing myself to think ugly. To be ugly. To allow my inner dragon more and more. But I don't want to linger there either. Where are my next steps? Away from material security. But does that mean to give up everything. Living a slow, minimalistic life, because that will do what exactly for me? Aw fuck me! It cannot be it. I envy Chris. I scream for him inside me, for this fierce bitchiness that fights rigorously. I scream, I scream, I burn inside, let me burn until I am reborn, break me down for heaven's sake shed me shed me I am begging you. I tapped into greed in hopes to be reckognized, to be seen in my power, yet what it brought me was distance, I tried to give myself away and it turned me into a ghost that was not needed to be noticed, just used to recharge for own life purposes. I built a fortress in hopes to finally have things of my own and teach myself what no one cared to teach me. I so naturally support others on their path - who teaches me the basics? All I get is anger and upset, when I cannot keep up with what people have learned already. But all by myself I don't get to where I want to be either. When I share, then my things are gone and I do not get them back, have to pay extra time, money, energy to get them again. Loss loss loss. I have lost people I love, I have lost myself, lost opportunity, lost the source to life. I broke, I see so much conflict, dissonace in me. I'm looking for meaning. For meaning in my actions, in my decisions, my experience, but where is it? Where is the vibrancy that will lift me on waves that bring me into the flow of life? It's time to stop the fake fight and renew myself. Let my ego die as much as it needs to. What do I need to give? Where can I leave meaning behind? What can I do that leaves an upbeat mark? I want to learn to surrender my life to the layers of existence

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words-made-of-atoms · 2 years

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words-made-of-atoms · 2 years

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There is something on my heart that somewhat concerns me. I think I might call it sexual responsibility and (on a slightly different note, but somehow also tied together) societies response to csa. But I do not know if this is the most fitting choice of words, especially because it is a sensitive subject. The first is more related to consensual sex obviously. I have a jumpy brain that still tries to make sense of various observations. I might connect them somewhat unfortunately. I’m trying my best though. Would love to hear different opinions on it, if anybody wants to share some thoughts. Otherwise I’m just talking to myself, which is fine by me as well 😌

As someone who is working on healing early sexual trauma there are two things on my mind lately that are most pressing.

With my current ability to express these thoughts, following dynamic becomes apparent to me.

Men are being taught no means no and similar varieties of sexual boundaries. I hear many people stating the opinion that rape wouldn’t be a thing, if men just stopped ignoring boundaries. They don’t exactly use these words, but I understand it along the line of them. Basically it‘s a call for men stopping to be assholes.

But then again, I also see men being totally confused (actively confused by their environment, even if not consciously done so). They are now suddenly to be open with their feelings - rip open old traumas, so you are less dangerous to us women, is what it sometimes sounds to me. Yet, there is barely any emotional support to work things through for them openly. Because men are still being seen as threatening jerks. Their confusion as what they are allowed and what not is not clear, as many women still have to figure that out for themselves. And many of them are not able to communicate their needs, which is fine, however we do need to have a public discussion and draw that into collective awareness that. We. Have. Not. Figured. It. Out. And therefore have to create understanding for wrong, harmful choices. Men are to respect a no, except when it seems obvious to some women in certain niche groups that they are to win the woman‘s heart. Which involves some overstepping of boundaries (such as surprises, grand gestures, idk the whole dating etiquette, which is difficult for me to understand alone), as nonverbal cues are expected to be understood infallibly, which is impossible for any human being. There will always be misunderstandings and with that unintentional boundary violations. Which everyone is being hyper-sensitized to, which again in some cases leads to recognizing more patterns than actually exist. Like, a sexual encounter with a misunderstanding being classified as abuse, because it reminds of the patterns of abuse, whereas it actually could have been treated as human fallacy. Which is a sign of collective trauma enactment, in which most of us are enmeshed.

Currently however there is so much awareness on the the agenda of victims to always being believed, which - in my view would be better transformed into validating the observed experience of the perceived victim, while also taking into account what lead to that situation in the experience of the other. It seems to be a vital lack of functional communication. In an instant one person is identified as an abusive monster that deserves to rot in prison for destroying someone else’s life, while they genuinely might have perceived the encounter in a different light. I do understand that it is easier to take all the weight of one‘s own shoulder by transferring it to someone else, but it is causing more communal harm in the long run leading to even more cases of identified perceived abuse. Few of which are even tried to be resolved on a personal level. Instead the third instance of the justice system is being called into action, completely infantilizing the participants instead of helping them to come to true understanding and healing. We judge systematically in this society™️ instead of coming together and listening to one another, and together trying again and again to come to a mutual understanding.

Which strips us of our connection to our self-healing abilities, which are inherent in all of us.

Currently I observe my male friends to be extremely imprisoned by all these expectations without any support. They feel like monsters, when someone calmly tells them they did something that the person did not like, thinking they ruined someone’s life. We rob those boys and men of any trust in their necessary ability of action, because we as women are also still in the process of healing. We need to learn to say No and we do have a sexual responsibility as well, which does not weigh any less. We also need to find our roots of healing powers again. We are so resourceful and our very essence is of a healing, transformative nature. We need to find trust in those creative parts again.

If we do that, our cultural nervous system will finally be able to stabilize itself again.

Which leads me to the reaction towards csa.

Personally and just speaking for myself, what traumatized me the most was to find out that society must think of me as a poor lost soul, an unfortunate poor victim of evil men that are disgusting and whatever else people are wishing on them. I always saw it as a mechanism that just serves them to look away from what they perceive to be their own failure of recognizing the abuse earlier. Which I might not even have considered as such, if everyone would not make such a huge deal out of it. I needed words of what was happening. I needed to hear that my bodies reaction to the very early sexual awakening was natural and that I am okay. I needed to be listened to, validated, comforted and treated for the physical wounds and the effects they had on my moving in my body. I received none of those things. Instead, I was held to work in my body (perform well in sports and the like), having to ignore each and every bodily trigger, causing me to dissociate, which eventually lead to fragmentation. That was traumatizing. I know, I can feel I would have healed if I would have been met with a different reaction. If I didn’t have to fear repercussions for the person who, yes loved a child without considering the affects of the expression of that love for that very child. Which is why I did not dare talk about all the unfair treatment of social shaming. They weren’t a monster either. They probably would have acted differently, if the public tried to understand where they are coming from and what their reason is. But that again would mean having to confront deep rooted trauma caused by themselves. I truly believe all of us are both are givers and receivers of an action, the wounded and the harming person and on a deeper level both existing at the same time in each moment. I painfully wish for all of us to come to terms with this exact humanness inside all of us. Because by looking away from the things we are ashamed of, we ignore this exact behavior in others, creating a societal taboo, which in turn supports structural abuse of children, who will again carry on their traumas to a new generation of the individual and collective shadow.

Breathe my darling fellow beings. We are okay. All of us and to our very core, whatever we have done. We may relax, we may grieve and with time we may allow ourselves to look at our own doings and gently reflect them, while still being open to hold and share the ever flowing love for ourselves and for one another.

We will come together through forgiveness and openness for ourselves and others. And we are beyond capable of reshaping the patterns that were birthed from a wounded past, creating more harm for another wounded past.

Let’s turn the wheel around

Lots of love,

Shell 🐚🌸🤍

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words-made-of-atoms · 2 years

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words-made-of-atoms · 2 years

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Thoughts On Thinking

Communication is a wall I am running against time and time again and as much as it hurts and how frustrating it can be, I am learning a lot from those mishaps.

Communication does not necessarily need to happen between the people involved within a current conversation of any kind.

What I mean by that is, that even though two or more people come together, they obviously are oftentimes talking at rather than to one another.

By doing that, they might

Be talking to themselves, in the means of highlighting a certain idea, concept, feeling, etc. that they might want to anchor in their conscience. A sort of bookmark of thought.

Be talking to another part within themselves, such as an inner critic, inner child, etc. they might do that to calm themselves down or to provoke a certain reaction within their own system. Somewhat like a kickstarter to change direction in the conversation style that does involve the other participant(s).

Be referring to another incident, conversation with another person, that is not involved in the relationship of the conversation’s participants. That would be like an inside joke without the other person sharing that inclusive reference being present.

Taking the point above even further, as is known in meme culture, sometimes a reference to a concept is being included in a conversation without the security of knowing, whether the other participant of the conversation is aware and included in that cultural and/or group reference. It might serve the function of an invitation into a certain group think or as a means of checking out the group belonging of another person.

I don’t really know what to do with that awareness yet, but it does seem useful enough to write it down.

(Whom am I referring that to, when posting it on the internet?)

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words-made-of-atoms · 2 years

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