how can you sit across from me and say that you love me and then sit there like that in silence. when im in so mich pain how can you sit there and not feel what i gfeel how can you say that you love me and that you and i have a connection? how can you say that we have been together for so long and you still dont know when i am in pain?? why are you so blind to the fact that i am still here when i dont deserve to be. 

how do you not realize that i am not the person that my gma told me to be cause i wanted things between us to work and i have lost who i was and what i was taught just to be loved . 

how can you strip who i was and just completely shatter my soul over and over again, if she was here she would be so upset that i havent stood up and left and let you get this out of me still. she taught me to never let any one let alone a man make me feel this way...but i guess thats what love is..forgettin who you are and what you want for the one you “love” to just control you for so long till its too late and before you know it you arent ever going to be the same anymore...and now everyone that you come in contact with is out to hurt YOU..and everyone is skeeming to ruin me..this is what i have percieved love to be, and i am so mad at myself for not doing what my gma told me to do. i never was loved the way i need i have always loved everyone else the way they should cause i know what its like. 

i cant do this anymore. i cant keep letting myself feel this is what love is suppose to be, its not...

I heard your voice and I could t answer I felt helpless. I'm hoping you call back. I miss you like crazy. And if I've learned anything its that I love you. And I always have.

Since the first time we hung out. You've always been that missing piece. Life got in the way and fate brought us back together.

I learned where my place is in my so called circle. I I stood up for kids

And was told I'm fucked up i have issues and to not come back around, don't ever come back. And no one said anything. So we are going to keep our distance. We won't be going back there. And we won't be a part of their get togethers anymore.

And then she came out and didn't speak about it at all. Ill pretend I'm good bit im hurt beyond what I thought I could be.

I apparently just need to stay to myself so I do t fuck up anyone else's life.

I didnt feel the spark I do. I don't want to be his sex toy anymore. I think he's realizing that I will be gone.

But what if its to late for us. What if all the pain took its toll finally

I won't hurt you again. I have fucked up so many things in my life. And you were healing and I had to come back and begin to fuck things up for you. I'm glad you have someone like you said I have him. Exactly what I should have. I'm going gto miss you more than you'll know. But its what's best for you.

Im backing up. Won't be another problem. It may hurt at first. But you will be fine..you have plenty of ppl who want you.

I know once I am done I have to be done. Cause not only is it confusing the kids its making him feel more powerful. Plus if I leave I won't be able to do this what if thing again. I will have to just be done. And I can't do this wondering if he loves me anymore. The silent treatment, as much as it will hurt me, I have to let him go. I am a toxic person when I am with him. And I can't do this break up and go back. I know he will be happier without me. Hell anything is better than he is now. He is comfortable belittling me. I can't keep going

Im learning that everyone around me in my life doesn't really care about me. I don't have a person. I am just an extra everywhere I go. I get spoken over and ignored. No one says they are worried about me. Especially when I was going thru it. Everyone is so proud of her for doing it. But when I did it I was wrong. So I'm just going to do it all quietly and not speak about it. I will distance myself and not burden anyone else with my problems. I am a problem, I always will be. And I shouldn't put anyone in the position to be my person. I hurt everyone, I am a shitty person.

I guess I'm super selfish for wanting someone to care about me. To worry about me.

I ended up with a husband who went from loving me with all his heart to hating me. And not caring about me at all. Who doesn't worry about my heart. I ended up with a husband who was so cruel he gave me the love I needed in the beginning to only taunt me with it now. I hate knowing that my marriage is over, I hate knowing I failed again. I hate knowing my kids are going to suffer again, because of me. I wish I had my gma still, to help me thru this right now.

Please just send me a sign that I helps me guide my way. Cause right now I'm lost. I'm torturing myself staying in a marriage that isn't being fought for. It's more than damaging. It kills any glimmer of hope for the future. It ruins what I thought of love. I can't trust anyone. Love makes me feel so undeserving of the word. How am I suppose to ever feel love again if I gave someone my all for a decade and now he despises me. Now we are strangers. Now he sees me as a horrible person and I don't ever think I can get him to see me as the women he married. The women he fell in love with. The women he saw at the mall that made him say hey...

Looking back he had pretty good game, he put both his numbers in my phone and the way he carried himself was def the way of a guy who takes 2 girls to prom at once. I feel he has always been that person. And one women can't make him happy. I'm losing myself stressing over someone who doesn't care about me.

Trying to talk to someone about my issues im having. And no one talks back. I'm the most only I've been. Subjects get changed, and I get ignored. No more of me trying to get help from anyone. I don't matter. And my problems don't matter. They are all my fault anyway, I have caused the life I have and I have to live with it. I deserve this life. I have no support system

I mentioned needing a break and you said from what? Smoking hitters??

How am I supposed to maintain a good mind when people don't respect it. I've told her 4 times I didn't want to come. She doesn't listen and then makes you feel bad about not being there. Fuck whats good for me and if I'm ok at the time. Wish people jumped for me like I do them

Look around and see beauty everywhere.

So im the reason my kids aren't happy.

You just said that I don't spend enough time with her so thats why she's upset and if I tried to talk to her more things would be better.

So basically if I was a better mom she wouldn't be sad. So not only am I failing at being your wife. I'm failing at being a mom to.

it is so hard to read people. i have one person that i can talk to about everything, but i also know that she is going through a lot also and i cant burden her with my issues. 

but then i think i know other people and the truth is i dont think i really know anyone. she tells me one thing and then i find out another thing and now im so confused. i got to close again to fast and now i feel like it wasnt the best choice. dont feel like i can talk to her about things i need to when she has a person. im so tired of feeling like im intruding on others lives by wanting to talk to someone about mine, guess i dont deserve to have someone there for me..

the more my life goes on i wonder why i am put on this earth? is it to bend over backwards for everyone and not know what it feels like to have someone do it for me? i feel like everything is falling apart right now. i feel im failing at being a mom, both my kids are depressed and i cant get thru to them. 

im failing at being a wife, a homemaker, and im making the one person that i have been trying to help for the last decade, hate life. he is absolutely miserable and its cause he is with me.