I think an awful lot about us kissing

Quarantine - 3/21

I would say that people that overthink should not be forced to stay inside for a majority of the day. I think way too much and make up all these negative scenarios in my head. If I could just shut off my brain for a second and just sit and be content with whatever is happening in the present, I would be so relieved. But, I can’t. I just want this to be over. I suddenly miss my social life and that’s something I never thought I could miss. Yesterday was probably the worst day of the quarantine so far. I did finally manage to finish a meal which consisted of rice, black beans and slightly hard avocado. It took me about an hour to eat it and there was still a large slice of avocado left. I lit different candles, laid under the covers and checked my phone about a million times. At one point, I watched Travis, my work crush sing and play guitar on instagram live. I would like to think that he was speaking directly to me since I was the only viewer. He started playing Thinking Bout You by Frank Ocean and pointing to the screen. I would give anything to be back in his bed again or him in mine. Every moment we spent alone together was never enough. He told me he thought about that night at his place pretty often, but he wasn't making any effort to see me or pick up where we left off. As Mel said, it’s probably best to let that flower wilt. I’ll probably have to let every male flower in my life die, at this rate. Thibault has succumbed to only sending one text a day. If he responds today, I don’t think I will. I don’t think I have the energy to constantly ask what he's doing and how he’s staying busy everyday. I just hope that once this is over, if ever, he’ll want to see me again. For now, I’m going to try focusing on bettering myself. I’m one more avocado with my meal away from becoming a vegetarian, I gave my hair a deep wash last night so I’m going to straighten it and try to make it decent enough for random selfies I decide to take in my room or if Thibault gets bored enough to finally want to sext. Once I finally go to the store for the eggs I’ve been desperately needing I’ll sneak over to my friends house down the street and get a stick and poke tattoo. How many people can say they got a tattoo by hand during a pandemic? Last night I made myself feel so good and so weightless just from smoking and devouring a glass of wine. It was a feeling that I hope to embody pretty often during this time.  I think I just need to get out. Fresh air and just one look at the fucking sky or something that’s not in the confines of my own walls would be slightly liberating. I’ve been ignoring all the messages I've received from the desperate men on seeking arrangements. If they truly believe they’re going to get me to go to “coffee” with them or their hotel while a virus is spreading around the entire world, they’ve lost their mind. I don’t want to kiss anyone new or meet anyone I don’t know. I know I'm not being super careful to begin with by hanging out with my friends, but I've been around the same people enough to know that they haven't shown any symptoms and if they have it, then we all do and it’s just best to stay around those same people. I just need this to get better somehow. I need some sort of good news or something that will make me smile through this. And as I type this very sentence, my horoscope alert says: if you want to feel true happiness, you need to feel connected with yourself and the people you hold dear.

Quarantine.

So, its definitely been awhile since I've been on here. There is not even enough time to put down the amount of words to describe everything that’s happened to me in the past year. But, based on the current situation happening not only in San Francisco, but throughout the world, I’ve decided to go back to blogging and just writing in general. I used to write so much, I was actually passionate about it. I used to be passionate about something. Now I just bounce from guy to guy in some frantic attempt to feel all these things with different men after being tied down in a relationship for too long that ended up becoming too much. I don’t exactly know what will be taking place these next two and a half weeks or if it’ll even be worth putting my long, freshly done acrylics to this keyboard. But, I want to stay busy somehow.. there are only so many shows I can rewatch on HBO and it feels so different watching it out of boredom when you’re practically forced. 

The shelter-in-place or whatever it’s supposed to be called started the day I was out getting Filipino food with my co worker. All we wanted was that email from our job, notifying us that work would be closed. It took grabbing boba and going in and out of an apothecary and a bookstore in the mission to finally get the email from our senior manager that the company is closing until the beginning of April. Then, the shut in was supposed to take place at midnight the next day. So, we did what most of the people in San Francisco were doing: stocking up on weed. The fact that I spent 50 dollars on weed alone says a lot about my mental state at that moment. If I was going to be stuck in my house fir three weeks with the three roommates that annoy me for different, specific reasons, I needed to be somewhat high at all times. Day 1 of “quarantine” was a shit show. I smoked all morning and ordered chips and queso from chipotle which wasn't even worth it with the free delivery. Anyway, let’s just say chunky yellow cheese and the third day of menstruating don't really coincide. I threw up all day, pretty much until 11 o'clock and my cramps were excruciating. At one point, I was throwing up in a Morton’s Steakhouse paper bag which held my leftovers a week ago when my family came to visit for my birthday. I couldn't even make it to the bathroom. And while I was hunched over the paper bag with my knees tucked into my stomach, my roommates were yelling incredibly loud while playing some drinking game in the kitchen. If I was actually dying, they would never even have known. I ended the night talking to Thibault over instagram, the gorgeous French nerd I’ve been having casual sex with for a month. The next day he checked up on me to see how I was doing which made my heart flutter just a little. I know he’ll disappear. They always do eventually, and since we cant even see each other, he’ll end up forgetting me and I’ll be back to where I started. Anyways, the second day of quarantine I ended up seeing Matt. Trying to stomach a bowl of ramen and rewatching the second season of GIRLS suddenly became a chore and I was over it so quickly. Matt is one of those guys that likes me enough to the point of comfort. He’ll always be around when I need him. He’s someone I can always run to when I'm fed up with the others. He was just there. So I went over with my friend Hailey who’s dating his roommate and we did too many bourbon shots together until I was completely drunk out of my mind. Matt held my hair back as I continuously threw up in his toilet. It’s a sight that will never leave his mind which will always have me slightly embarrassed when I see him. The next day I woke up in his sweatpants and sweatshirt with no hangover, thank god. He’s going back home to New York for a week so we said our goodbyes and me and Hailey picked Marian up so we could get quarantine groceries. I stayed at Marian’s and ate ramen and cheese and crackers, made a seeking arrangements account, watched Hailey give a stick and poke tattoo, texted two guys I met from tinder, drank a lot of different colored wine and watched some good movies like the dark knight and bring it on. I suddenly missed my own room so I walked back home at around 8 o’clock, got in bed and watched GIRLS until I fell asleep. Now the only things on my mind today are what I will be eating for lunch, if I should walk to the store for eggs, if I'll ever hear from Thibault again and when I'll have enough energy to wash my hair. This is Day 4.

I’m back babes.

Louis Vuitton Spring/Summer 1999

Bella Hadid for Pop Magazine September issue

Under Exposure, Kate Moss photographed by Corinne Day for British Vogue, June 1993

I love you Adele

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Khadijha Red Thunder by Olivia Malone

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