whatyourusherthinks
Movies Reviews From Someone Who Works at a Theater
Novel concept, I know. I started working at a local theater chain in the summer of 2023, and as a benefit for working there I can see free movies. So I'm gonna exploit the hell out of it and catalogue my thoughts here. Read if you want.Explanation for this whole thing: https://www.tumblr.com/whatyourusherthinks/738815435120705536/lets-start-with-context
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The Fall Guy
THIS! THIS IS WHY I DO THIS! THIS IS WHAT I AM DOING! THIS! THIS! STOP READING THIS REVIEW! STOP DOING ANYTHING YOU WERE DOING! GO WATCH THIS PERFECT, ABSOLUTE TREASURE OF A MOVIE! THIS MOVIE IS SO GOOD! IT'S SO GOOD!
What? No I'm not gonna calm down. This movie is, with no exaggeration, hyperbole, or embellishment, a perfect movie. After watching this movie I wanted to immediately go and get another ticket to see it again.
We showed two trailers for this movie. Did you know I hate seeing the second trailer for a movie? Because the second trailer always sucks. It always spoils too much and is completely unnecessary. Also they usually are just worse in general. But the Fall Guy? Nope, both the trailer we had were pretty good. Honestly they were mostly the same trailer, just with a different classic rock song.
Also did you know this is based of a TV show? Yeah, I didn't until the movie came out. I literally think that the only thing they took from the show was the character names and that the lead is a stuntman.
What's The Movie About?
Doesn't matter, you will like it. After a terrible accident, stuntman Colt Seavers gets pulled back into being in movies and needs to find the lead man, or else the movie is ruined and his crush, the director, will miss her big break.
What I Like.
Everything. The characters are good. The action is great. The comedy is hilarious. The premise is fun. The story is exciting. The acting is charming. The romance is beautiful. The editing is wonderful. The music is excellent. The pacing is superb. The dialogue is jovial. The movie is just fucking perfect.
I just... don't know if I can say more. Scratch that, I KNOW I can say more, but I don't want to. Not only would it just be me repeating the movie back verbatim thus spoiling it for you all, it would just be incredibly redundant. All I can really say is I really really REALLY REALLY really love this movie and all of it's parts. It doesn't feel like a movie made for me, but it feels like a movie for the people who made it. Specifically stuntmen and women, but really all the little people who's blood, sweat, and tears go into making movies.
In the movie, the heroes are not the actors, producers, or directors. The big celebrities are all assholes. The producers are corrupt and overbearing. The director means well, but she's a little bit dippy. The hero of the movie is a stuntman, and everyone who really helps him are other stuntpeople, technicians, prop makers, writers, artists, special effects people, assistants, and coordinators. Y'know, all the people who allow the movie makers to actually make the movies. Hell, even on the villain side the ones driving the plot forward are the actor's bodyguards. All blue collar men, women, and enbies. There are so many movies, and I've seen so many movies, where the heroes are the directors, or actors, or the day is saved with the power of film/filmmaking. And I don't really like those movies. I think they are really pretentious, and self-masturbatory in a way. This movie doesn't feel like either. It feels like someone who understands the struggles those people go through and wanted to show their appreciation. Makes a lot of sense, considering the director was a stuntman before moving on up.
I love this movie.
What I Didn't Like.
Nothing. Literally nothing. Even things I don't normally like are good in this movie. This movie has a dog who's main purpose in the movie is to bite bad guys in the dick and I still thought he was cute despite the fact that would normally terrify me.
Final Summation.
Do I recommend this movie? DO I RECOMMEND THIS MOVIE? DID YOU READ MY REVIEW? OF COURSE I DO!
Okay okay, folks. Folks. I tend to embellish my language a lot. I get very caught up in things I see and feel very passionately about it. I understand that may make it hard to take my reviews seriously when it seems like every good movie is a masterpiece and every bad movie is complete garbage, but SERIOUSLY. The Fall Guy is a masterpiece. It is absolute entertainment from beginning to end and everyone should watch it.
...
I wonder if the show is any good.
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Tarot Review
This movie looked dumb. I mean the monster designs looked cool I guess, but c'mon. There's officially too many horror movies that have come out this season, I think I've only liked 3 of them. Maybe Tarot will be the fourth, but I doubt it.
What's The Movie About?
A bunch of college kids find a cursed tarot deck, and then get murdered by the tarot monsters after they do readings on everyone.
What I Like.
The monster designs are pretty fun, not gonna lie. (Well except for the Hanged Man.) The villain is a pretty fun idea, I kinda wish they did more with it but also you get plenty in the movie. I also didn't hate the characters, and they mostly acted pretty reasonably. The deck of tarot cards they use looked spooky, I kinda want a set. And I like the message of taking control of your own fate. But honestly, the best thing about the movie is the pace. They made sure it moved at a clip and I really appreciated it. Backhanded complement, sure, but I just watched Challengers man.
What I Didn't Like.
I don't think the writers of this movie know how tarot work. I mean, maybe I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure it has nothing to astrology. I was always taught that you use three cards to for tarot readings, one for the past, one for the present, and one for the future. I KNOW they made up the "Don't use another person's tarot deck" thing and it's weird that it's even in the movie since the reason the characters are in danger is because the deck is cursed. It's not like karmic justice, it's because a monster is possessing it. Speaking of which, the villain's powers and rules are inconsistent. (In a supernatural horror movie? I'm shocked.) And the way they defeat the bad guy is just dumb. "You cursed me bro? Well I'm gonna curse you right back, whatcha think about that?" Speaking of dumb, the only character I didn't like was the comic relief character. He was kinda annoying. Which I feel bad complaining about, since Jacob Batalon has been type-cast as this kind of character since Spiderman Homecoming, but I rolled my eyes so hard when they revealed his character survived at the end.
Final Summation.
Tarot is fine, just so long as you don't think about the movie too much. Anyway who cares LET'S TALK ABOUT THE FALL GUY!
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Challengers Review
Hey, it's the movie where Zendaya has a threesome with two brothers. Okay, it isn't really about that, it's about Zendaya trying to decide which of these two tennis guys she's gonna end up with or something, but the marketing made it seem like the two guys were brothers. Even my manager thought so. Anyway, I didn't really have any strong feelings about the movie before it came out, looked sorta interesting. I used to watch tennis with my mom growing up so I could get into that angle of the movie.
What's The Movie About?
These two tennis players have a match that's overly dramatic and we flash around their history of why their like that. Spoilers, it's because they are horny for Zendaya and each other and as all three of them are egotistical assholes.
What I Like.
The story structure is pretty interesting. Basically it starts with a tennis match between these two guys, and we flashback to various interactions they and Zendaya have had throughout their lives. It's kind of a mystery of what's going on that slowly reveals itself. They do the "action set to the rhythm of music' thing, but it's with drama and tennis instead of fighting or a chase scene. It works sometimes. The second half of the movie picked up quite a pace and got tense at certain points. And the acting is pretty good. All the leads are pretty hot too so that helps I guess.
What I Didn't Like.
If you couldn't tell from the subtle hints the the previous sections, I don't like this movie very much. It's kinda bad. It's not god awful, but it's aggressively kinda bad. I'll see if I can explain myself.
To start with, I said the story structure is interesting, but notice I didn't say it was good. Honestly, I got confused about when the scene I was watching was happening in relation to the last scene. Also, a third of the movie the slow burn doesn't work because we either already know what's gonna happen, either because of the start of the movie establishing it or BECAUSETHEFUCKINGTRAILERSPOILEDIT! Another third it doesn't work because I don't know what the question I'm supposed to want to know the answer to is, and the final third doesn't work because it involves being invested in the characters and I hate all of them.
SECOND POINT, I hate all the characters. Well, to be fair there is only like 3 characters, Zendaya, blonde tennis boy, and brown-haired tennis boy. (Art and Patrick, respectively.) I mean there's a bunch of other people in the movie obviously but no one gets a name except for Art and Zendaya's kid who is so completely superfluous to the movie I think she only exists so Art can use her to complain about playing tennis. Because the only thing Art wants in the movie is to stop playing tennis. Zendaya and Patrick are egotistical and aloof, and they also like to act like their pulling these 4D chess manipulation moves on each other and Art, but really they're just fucking assholes with really vague motivations. Zendaya says she doesn't want to be a homewrecker yet she constantly is bouncing back and forth between Art and Patrick for some reason (just like a real tennis match uhuhuhuh) even though she constantly berates and criticizes both of them. Normally in movies with love triangles I'm on the never route of 'all the characters should just form a polycule' but here I just want all of them to go away. Patrick gets a special mention in my next segment.
Three, there's some HORRIBLE queer representation in this movie. To give the movie a slight break, there isn't any forced in lesbians, and that's appreciated. They don't ignore the romantic chemistry between Art and Patrick, and Patrick is fairly open with his bisexuality in the movie. But Patrick is also a philanderer, and openly admits at one point to be hooking up with whoever he can just so he can have a place to sleep. Which is a position HE PUT HIMSELF INTO BECAUSE HE'S TOO PRIDEFUL TO ASK HIS RICH PARENTS FOR HELP. Also, really early on there's this random gay couple that sexually harass him for no reason and they are super stereotypical, and don't come into play at all or connect to anything.
Fourth thing, this movie is too long. You could trim plenty and makes it a svelte two hours, like that gay couple I just mentioned. There's slow motion, for absolutely no reason. Why does Zendaya turning around need to be three times as long as normal? There's also like an embarrassing amount of product placement for just about everything, which I guess makes sense since the characters are professional tennis players (kinda sorta) but it left a bad taste in my mouth.
Five, I said the tennis and drama set to music works sometimes? It works twice, both in the second half of the movie. I can't really explain why it doesn't work for every other scene. It just doesn't. Like, the makers of the movie did it wrong. It doesn't line up, or they put music cues over some pointless shot. Here's a shot of Art staring at his coffee table, better pump the techno. Here's Zendaya rubbing her busted knee, this needs an angelic choir singing in Latin. I hate the music in this movie. I thought it was going to be all techno music, which I wouldn't have loved but I could at least respect. But they also use super incongruous church hymns or something of that nature. And on top of that, There's licensed music. Diegetic licensed music that SOUND TERRIBLE.
Lastly, the first half of this movie is really boring. And again, I can't really explain why. The only things that happen are either shown in the trailer, or incredibly cringe-worthy. Let's just say when the most entertaining part of your movie is a scene where someone is telling a story about the first time they jerked off, you better fucking work hard to make it entertaining. Hell, it's not even that funny. It's just kinda icky I guess. All the romance scenes are like that. Maybe I just wasn't in the mood, but the romantic dialogue sucks, the "sex" scenes are just gross, but not in an intentional way, and the nudity felt meaningless. I didn't even feel sleezy. It just was like, "Yep, they made the actors get naked. Whatever."
Also the movie just stops. Kinda like this.
Final Summation.
I had a chance to watch this movie the night before it came out officially, but I didn't feel super great so I didn't go. It was the only movie that came out that week, but I didn't go in on my day off because I wanted to rest. I been having issues managing my stress and anxiety recently and wanted to take sometime off. Hell, I had three panic attacks in the past few days before going to see this movie, and one on my way home from watching it.
I think the universe was trying to warn me.
I kinda hate this movie. I feel like a fraud saying that because, objectively, it's not that terrible of an experience. (It's not Civil War.) I'm sure it would appeal to someone. But not me. After writing this review I'm not even angry. I'm not disappointed at the movie either because I didn't really have expectations going in. I just feel empty inside.
What the fuck am even I doing?
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Columbo Season 1 Review
Well. Let's try something new. I don't think this will be a regular thing, but I really like this show so far and I just want to talk about it. I have a hard time watching television shows for a significant amount of time, so we'll see if I can make it through all 7 seasons of Columbo, but season 1 was only 9 episodes and each one looks shorter, so hey, that seems reasonable to me. If these kinds of reviews are popular maybe I can do another show.
Anyway, Columbo! The show that is somehow a seminal in the murder-mystery genre, yet also a a subversion of it. See, each episode is basically a mini-murder-mystery movie, but in reverse. Each episode starts with a murder, with the perpetrator in full view. We (the audience) know who is murderer, and we watch them cover it up (usually). The main character, Lt. Columbo of the LAPD, is never the first thing you see, even when the police arrive at the crime scene. The mystery of each episode isn't who killed the victim, it's how Columbo is going to catch them. It's a really good twist, so good that the show has become a standard example of the mystery show, despite the fact it is a subversion. Spoiler for my conclusion, I really like this show.
Anyway, since this is a new format, I'm gonna try something new. I'm just going to give my thoughts, both good and bad, for each individual episode before doing a conclusion for the season. I'm also not going to try not give specific spoilers for any episodes, although I will talk about the set-ups in detail for some of them.
Episode 1 'Prescription: Murder'
This was the first episode of Columbo I've ever seen, and it was a great introduction to the show. I got very excited when Lt. Columbo first walked on set, and every time he said "One more thing..." I giggled. The mystery was pretty fun, and it subtlety builds the establishment of the show with feeling like a first episode. I found it interesting that anyone could randomly catch this episode and not realize this is the opening of the entire series. My only real gripe is I don't know who the lady at the end was. I'm kinda bad with faces, so I wasn't sure if it was supposed to be the wife, the secretary, or some other lady we haven't seen.
Episode 2 'Ransom for a Dead Man'
I really like the set up for this episode. A rich lawyer murders her husband and fakes a kidnapping to cover it up. I don't think it would work for a more modern context but it was really sneaky. The way Columbo caught the lawyer was a bit cartoonish, as was the editing of the episode, but overall it was a good time. I did wonder if television shows at the time were allowed to show someone getting shot on camera. I like the little character detail of Columbo's fear of heights manifesting as him being suspicious of all the aircrafts he rides in during the episode.
Episode 3 'Murder By the Book'
Another funny thing about shows at the time, each director did completely their own thing in each of the episodes. There wasn't a style or guidelines to make all the episodes feel similar, the executives just let the directors do what they want. And when the director is STEVEN SPIELBERG, you're gonna get a great episode. The murderer being a hack writer with one good idea is a lot of fun, and his plan was really damn clever. I found it funny that everyone keeps leaving Columbo behind at their houses when he visits, i think that happens in every episode except the last one.
Episode 4 'Death Lends a Hand'
The weird editing for the second episode is back, and it's still just fine. I dunno, I don't hate it but this episode is just okay so that doesn't help. My biggest take-aways are that I like that Columbo tricks the villain into revealing himself by just straight up lying to him, finally noticing that the show doesn't always show Columbo finding the clues but still letting the audience know what he knows, and wondering if putting a potato in a car's exhaust really prevents it from starting. I also like that Columbo is so genial that everyone just completely writes him off and people will start gossiping about stuff to him and that he doesn't carry a gun.
Episode 5 'Dead Weight'
This episode we find out that the only reoccurring characters besides Columbo is the guy who runs the diner where he gets chili. (Okay, maybe some of the other cops show up in more than one episode but I wasn't paying attention to that.) I sorta like that the killer's plan is to seduce the witness and then I guess kill her, but this episode is kinda goofy. We learn about the backstory of the villain in a newscast that goes on for like ten minutes and it's so awkward I had to laugh. I also thought it was funny that the crime scene had like 8 assault rifles laying around and the victim was shot with a pistol.
Episode 6 'Suitable for Framing'
This is my favorite episode the season. The only thing I'm going to say is this is the episode where Columbo makes the silly face while wearing gloves. You've probably seen that screenshot.
Yeah, that one. If you can only watch one episode from this season watch this one.
Episode 7 'Lady in Waiting'
And this might be the weakest of the season. Again, not to say it's bad, none of the season is bad. But the weird editing is back and they make some goofy story choices. There's a dream sequence. This is the only episode where you see into the minds of the characters, and it's just odd. I like the plan of the killer, I like that the plan goes wrong and she has to scramble to recover it, and I like the doomed love story, but there just a few problems holding episode back as a whole.
Episode 8 'Short Fuse'
So far this is my favorite killer. He's a massive brat, a boorish beatnik, and I like that he tags along with solving the mystery at first. Plus, his method of murder is a lot of fun and leads to a great break down. I could see maybe someone getting annoyed by him, but I dunno, I liked him. And by extension, the episode.
Episode 9 'Blueprint for Murder'
This episode was pretty good too. I really like the set-up, and I like that the mystery is trying to prove a murder happened at all. It feels weird that Columbo doesn't react to the ex-wife flirting with him but...
Summation
I really like this show. I was hooked after the first episode, and I really looking forward to the rest of the series. This season is an easy recommendation from me, even episodes I have problems with I still like. Speaking of which, let's rank them. Why not? Hell, the show is made that you could watch them in any order, so maybe you'll want to watch the episodes this way or something. I dunno, ANYWAY RAPID FIRE BEST TO WORST:
Suitable For Framing
Murder By the Book
Short Fuse
Blueprint for Murder
Prescription: Murder
Ransom for a Dead Man
Dead Weight
Death Lends a Hand
Lady in Waiting
That was fun. Maybe I'll make a master list of best to worst episodes when I finish the series. We'll see. Anyway, if you haven't seen an episode of Columbo before and you like murder mysteries you should see one episode
Oh, uh.... Just one more thing...
Is Columbo Actually Married?
So I knew a few things about the show before watching it. And one of those things is that there is a running gag that we never see Columbo's wife. Oh, he talks about her ALL the time. Every episode he has at least one anecdote about how his wife, and he usually uses it to unbalance the murderer or to reassure a bystander. In Dead Weight, the witness actually asks Columbo if he's making up the story he is telling her, and that just got my brain spinning. I don't know if this is a thing in the Columbo fan camps or if this has been debunked before, but I'm going to start a little investigation of my own. Each season, I'm going to gather up all the details we hear about Columbo's wife, and find out if he's lying about her or not. Here we go.
So most of the stuff we hear about her in Season 1 is pretty banal stuff. She is athletic, likes shag carpets, is good with gadgets, has a sister with a daughter, and doesn't seem like she is a detective herself. A few details stand out to me at first though. One, she likes pipes. Columbo probably meant she likes men who smokes pipes but I like to imagine she smokes pipes and that gives me a nice visual so I'm sticking to it. Two, she's kinda down on Columbo. Like clearly he has a lot of affection for his wife, but I don't know if it flows both ways equally. Columbo mentions his wife thinks he's "the second best cop in all of Los Angeles, behind the 80 guys in first place." That's uh...
He also says she tells him he lacks ambition and she apparently has a proverb for every argument they have, which kinda tells me they have a lot of arguments. At least she gives him a new pencil everyday, which Columbo always loses. Three, Columbo doesn't wear a wedding ring. This is the big one for me, and is why I'm leaning on him making up his wife. Maybe if I look into it, there with be a Doylist reason why the actor isn't wearing a ring, but it's still strange that a guy who brings up his wife at every opportunity doesn't wear the thing that let's people know you're married. Right now though, that's just one piece of evidence. I'm going to stave off a conclusion or more heavy leaning until later seasons.
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Alien Review
"What?! You've never seen Alien!? How can you call yourself a sci-fi fan?" Yeah yeah yeah. Shut up Buggnutz. I've never engaged with the Alien franchise at all. I've heard all about them, of course, but unlike a bunch of other famous franchises I don't actually know the plots of any of the movies. All I know is Ellen Ripley, and the xenomorphs. Actually, now that I think about it, I have seen two Alien movies. I've seen both Alien Vs Predator movies. The first one was okay.
What's The Movie About?
A commercial space freighter called the Nostromo receives a mysterious signal, and by contract they are forced to check it out. And just like every time anyone is forced to do something by contract, something really bad happens. Also, this was the special 45th anniversary rerelease, sO dOn'T fOrGeT aLiEn: RoMuLuS iS cOmInG oUt.
What I Like.
Not to sound like an old person, but man. They do not make them like they used to. This movie is really damn scary. I spent the entire movie with my toes clenched against my feet. The tension built is masterful. And it's not even that gore-y or disgusting. With the exception of that one scene that everyone knows, I don't think there is any gore. The xenomorph is kinda icky, but you barely see it throughout the film. There's very little in the movie itself where, by itself, you would be scared or disturbed. But the use of music, close-ups, and shadows makes the horror and tension permeate every inch of the film. Even stuff I wouldn't like in other movies is great in Alien. This movie has the most effective jumpscare I've ever seen. Seriously. Alien is so scary that it has the only jumpscare that I like. There's a lot of shaky cam and close-ups obscuring the action, but it just makes the actions scenes more tense. (The close-ups/shaky cam also mostly happen when the action has already been established and isn't that interesting. Like we already saw Ripley running down a corridor, so making that part shaky isn't a big deal.) Hell, I could only understand half the dialogue in the movie, and it just added to the atmosphere of the ship. Speaking of which, the sets in the movies are awesome. I really like how the Nostromo looks. I like that the cockpit is really busy with buttons and old monitors. I like that the living and eating quarters are covered with a fake, white plastic shell. All the rooms are small and cramped, it feels like what real space shuttles and space stations are like. I also like the way the android looks on the inside. I dunno, looks really fucked up, I love it.
What I Didn't Like.
I already kind of implied it, but there was a special intro for the 45th anniversary of the movie that basically just a big advertisement for the next Alien movie. I wouldn't even bring it up honestly, but they spoiled one of the deaths in the movie during it. What the hell? I also don't care for the ending. Not that I don't appreciate young Sigourney Weaver stripping down to her skivvies, but they are constantly flashing bright white lights over and over during the entire thing. Also I praised how the close-ups where utilized throughout the movie, but I felt like the overstayed their welcome by that point. I already know what the xenomorph looks like and what Ripley's sweaty forehead looks like, there is really no reason for them anymore. My final complaint is I don't like the amount of smoking and the use of flamethrowers in the movie. I praised how realistic the Nostromo felt, and this relates to that. Wouldn't the fire burn what limited oxygen they have on the ship? I dunno, that just keep popping into my head every time I see someone light up.
Final Summation.
This movie is damn good. I think I need to see the sequels. Even the ones everyone says are bad.
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The Mummy (1999) Review
The Mummy! Or to use its proper name, the Brendan Fraser Mummy. It's the 25th anniversary of when it came out, so the studio that owns it is rereleasing it in theaters for those nostalgic for it to see it again. I am not one of those people. Surprising, considering I was negative 6 months old when it came out. But I do like pulpy archeologist adventure movies. It's just a shame that you really need to turn your brain off for all of them. Or at least ignore the fact that the ancient booby traps are completely impractical and the main character are always kinda terrible people. (Looking at you Dr. Jones.)
What's The Movie About?
Two siblings discover a map to the ancient Egyptian city of the dead, and they rescue Brendan Fraser to take them there. When they arrive, they accidently awaken a thousand year old priest who brings curses to the land and tries to kidnap the female main character to bring his girlfriend back to life.
Y'know. The usual stuff.
What I Like.
This is an action comedy, and the best thing about the movie is the action, and the comedy. The action is fun, frenetic, and exciting. And a lot of the time the comedy is beautifully integrated as well. I've heard people say this movie is unintentionally funny, which I don't know what they hell they are talking about. All the comedy is witty, quick, and obviously intended. Beni is a perfect foil to the good guys and I was actually kinda sad he died, even though he's a slimy bastard. Speaking of which, all the characters are kind of terrible, but I love them all. Brendan Fraser is such an interesting actor, especially now days. I feel like you don't see a lot of actors doing both Oscar-appealing dramas like the Whale at the same time as weird conceptual nerd-bait like Doom Patrol. I really like the Evie character too. I like that she's smart, and even though she's a damsel in distress, uses her position to trick Imhotep and distract him. Speaking of which, I love the guy playing Imhotep. He has so many smarmy facial expressions, I love him. It's a pretty impressive performance as well, since it's almost entirely a physical one. (Actually, all his lines are a dubbed over monster voice, so maybe it is an entirely physical performance.) I also really liked Winston. There should be more characters like him.
What I Don't Like.
It's been said a million times, but the CGI in this movie is pretty bad. It's so bad even I can tell it sucks. Moving swiftly along, this movie is also really stupid. Mostly in a fun way, I might add. But if you start thinking about almost any part of it, the plot, character motivations, and mechanics of the mummy's curse swiftly fall apart. I don't like that Imhotep is afraid of cats. That's just dumb. If it played into his final defeat, like a horde of cats is what kills him, it would have been better. Finally, the movie is kinda racist. I think. Maybe? I'm actually not sure. They didn't hire any actual Egyptians to play any of the characters, but they did hire some non-white actors to play the Egyptians and this did come out 25 years ago so eeehhh... The Medjai are the most competent and badass characters in the movie, but the movie also opens with a bunch of white guys shooting hundreds of jabbering locals so eeeeeehhhhhh... Beni is a sleezy French thief but he's also shown to be really cunning and the second or third smartest person in the plot so eeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhh... Just to be safe I'm going to assume it's racist. Not maliciously so, but that's still not great. Also Rachel Weisz sort of gets sexually assaulted like 3 times and the movie plays it off, so that's also not great.
Final Summation.
Yeah the movie is really stupid, but I had a lot of fun! I think it should be clear at this point that I am a simple dude. I see fun action with charismatic heroes and funny quips, I will like. It is totally better than Phantom Menace. (Which I mention not only because movie-goers in 1999 said the same thing, but also because Phantom Menace is being rereleased in like 2 days at time of writing and I'm not watching it because I've seen it before and it sucks.)
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Abigail Review
I was actually excited for this movie. The trailer was pretty cool. My work friends and I actually made plans to watch Abigail as soon as we could because of that fact. And the movie has aspects that I'm not usually big on, so that's pretty impressive.
What's The Movie About?
...I'm not going to tell you. If you can, you should go into this movie blind. Honestly, showing you the poster is already too much information. Just know it's a horror/thriller movie where the main characters are kidnappers, and watch it. That's my review in a nutshell.
I'm being serious. Stop reading this review and go see the movie if you think you might be interested. I'm going to spoil parts of the movie in the review because I have points I want to make.
What I Like.
Abigail is a gore-y good time. The first two-thirds are an intriguing mystery, and when everything is revealed, the finale is extreme and ridiculous. It's great. The acting is very good, I was especially impressed by Alisha Weir as the titular character. She had to do a lot and it was all very good. The effects as well were very good, especially the gore effects. Honestly, the only thing that would make it better if it was bright red like a Hammer Horror. (We had the Christopher Lee Dracula movie's trailer playing before the movie, so I have Hammer Horror on my mind.) The story itself, is pretty good as well. Mostly.
What I Didn't Like.
The movie is a great slow burn mystery, until it all get's revealed and then goes nuts. Fun time.
...
It's just a shame that the trailer SPOILS THE WHOLE MYSTERY. If you've seen the trailer, you know Abigail is a vampire. They don't reveal that in the movie until it's over halfway over. Really, you don't know anything supernatural is happening until the first third, maybe half of the movie has run. It would be a really fun mystery until that point as well. But if you've seen the promotion for the movie, you'll know exactly what's going on as soon as the first character dies. Hell, probably before that to be honest.
My only other complaint is almost the exact opposite of the first one honestly. If feels like the filmmakers tried to jam as many twists as they can in the final 20 minutes. Characters betray each other, motivations are revealed to be lies, and new characters suddenly show up for not really any reason. It's not as bad as something like Argylle, which just seems to flip-flop it's premise like 8 times. But it was bizarre and hard to follow at times.
Final Summation.
Honestly, Abigail is fun. Even if you are spoiled going in. I just wish I wasn't, I think I would have been super upped on the movie had it been a mystery to me. As it stands, I had a good time and I think most people will as well.
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SPY x FAMILY CODE: White Review
Ugh. I don't like anime. I can't really justify why, because things I don't like about anime is also found in stuff I like, like superhero comics or kaiju movies. There was already an anime movie in our theater. It was called Dragon Slayer or Demon Slayer or something, either way I didn't watch it because I haven't seen the anime. I haven't seen the SPY x FAMILY anime either, but I have read the manga. It's something that I can only read in very small bursts, but I do keep up with it. So I have no excuse to not watch this movie. I watched the sub version, but keep in mind I'd still complain about the voice acting in the dub.
What's The Movie About?
For convoluted reasons, a spy needs a fake family for a mission. He adopts a little girl who is psychic, fakes a marriage with an assassin, and they adopt a dog who can see the future. For other convoluted reasons, the family takes a vacation up north.
Honestly, if you don't already know the premise of the show, don't watch the movie. Not that you won't understand what is happening, it is pretty straightforward. But there are plenty of minor elements and character dynamics it skips over because the movie expects that the only people watching are people who've seen the series.
What I Like.
So the set-up of SPY x Family is really good. The main characters are great, and the idea of an entire family with each member having a major secret is a really good comedy premise. And the movie is just playing the greatest hits really. Do you like the joke where Yor is freakishly strong and no one seems to notice? They have that joke. Do you like the joke that Nightfall is obviously in love with Twilight and he doesn't notice? They have that joke. Do you like the joke of Anya mispronouncing every other word? What is wrong with you?
I will admit, I was down on the movie until the ending. The ending is pretty awesome, real damn fun, and gorgeously animated. It's almost always balls-to-the wall action, and all of the action looks really cool. The way they showcase motion is incredibly impressive. To be frank, I was barely paying attention until the climax started, then I was grinning. Every family member gets several moments to shine as well, it's incredibly fun. Yor fights a cyborg from Wolfenstein, it's amazing.
What I Didn't Like.
This movie takes a while to get going. In fact, the first half of the movie is really random. Part of the reason why is because they want to showcase every minor character in the series for at least a second, and part of it is because they are trying to be a showcase of every story beat the series pulls. Subplots kinda just come out of nowhere and resolve themselves are weird moments, never to be mentioned again. And the comedy, for me personally, is very hit and miss. The tone itself is hit or miss as well, thinking about it. One second we'll be focusing on the wacky side character obsessed with fortune-telling, then that wacky side character has a serious conversation about CUTTING OPEN A CHILD, then there is a hallucination sequence involving a poop god. All back to back. My final two criticisms are incredibly personal, and I don't know how many people will agree with me. One, I find Anya's voice annoying. I don't usually find how character's sound that bothersome. (Gurgy from the Black Cauldron doesn't bother me at all, actually. Neither does Jar Jar.) But for some reason she does. I think it's the combination of the volume of her voice with her "cutesy" way for talking. Two, THE MOVIE KEPT TEASING ME WITH MY SHIP. I, like many other fans I suspect, want Loid and Yor to end up together for real. They are, as the bards of the interwebs say, OTP. If they actually end up together I suspect it won't be until the end of the series. If it turns out something else, I would be sad but not disappointed I suppose. But I could do without all the almost kissing and getting intimate until Yor punches Loid and all of that kind of thing. It feels like being at a busy restaurant while starving, seeing the server heading towards your table with a tray of food, but them turning the corner right when they should arrive at your table.
Final Summation.
Honestly, thinking back to my experience, I mostly just remember the finale. That finale is really fun! But I think I'd rather just watch it isolated on YouTube or something. Which isn't to say the rest of the movie is bad necessarily. I guess my recommendation come to this: If you like SPY x FAMILY, you will like this movie. If you've never seen the show, but are interested in the premise, maybe check out the movie to see if you'd be interested in delving deeper. Otherwise, there's more fun and interesting movie out right now.
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Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare Review
Just a poster for this film chaps! I had no idea such a display would enter the cinema otherwise. But that Guy Richie fellow, he makes quite the romps, doesn't he. I still remember my first introduction to his tomfoolery being the first Sherlock Holmes movie starring Robert Downey Jr. What a cracking time that was! *Brick crashes through my window telling me to stop with the British accent*
What's The Movie About?
The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare tells the tale of the recently declassified Operation Postmaster, where a group of agents set out to disrupt a Nazi supply chain to Uboats in '41.
What I Like.
Well, it's a Guy Richie movie, so the style is off the charts. The characters are incredibly charming and the violence is fun, fast, and flowing. The movie is basically Inglorious Basterds, but instead of Americans it's the British and there's nothing about the power of movies saving the day. And there's really nothing else to it. I could go into detail about the characters and the plot, but it's just a string of charming characters killing some of the worst people in history. If that's not enough for you, I dunno what to tell you. I guess I should add I really liked all the historical character that I noticed. Ian Fleming is in the movie. I didn't know what the Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare was about before going in to the movie, so it was a pleasant surprise when the writer of James Bond turned up. There's also a coda at the end that tells you what happens to all the main characters after the movie and I liked that.
What I Didn't Like.
The style and violence is great, but maybe the Nazis went down a little too easily. I mean, they are Nazis. I love watching those goose-stepping bastards get their shit kicked in, but it feels like the main characters are never in any physical danger ever. Even the movie gets that at one point. They set up a fight between the giant Danish guy with an axe versus an entire Nazi squad with machine guns, and it's played like "Yeah yeah, we know how this is gonna go." They don't even bother to show the fight too. That's lame. My final complaint is that Churchill is a big presence in the movie, and the guy playing Churchill does not look ANYTHING like the real one.
Final Summation.
This movie is jolly good fun! *Brick that says 'Seriously, stop!' flies through my already broken window* If you like watching highly competent people doing what they do best, killing Nazis, they you will love this movie. And as a bonus, you might learn a little bit about history!
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Civil War Review
I guess this movie had some controversy behind it? I don't know, I wasn't paying attention. What I was paying attention to was the director, Alex Garland. Yes, he's made 28 Days Later and Ex Machina and Annihilation, but I haven't watched those movies. But what I have seen is Dredd. Alex just wrote and produced that movie, but Dredd is awesome! Maybe all the bad reviews I heard would be wrong.
What's The Movie About?
Kirsten Dunst, a mentat from Dune, a kid, and not Pedro Pascal are a group of journalists travelling through the US during a violent conflict between an authoritarian US government and the secessionist forces of Florida, Texas, and California.
What I Like.
There's one scene where not Pedro Pascal and the kid connect that I thought was nice. And there was a cool scene where a seemingly normal town is revealed to have combatants on all of the roofs, and another one where the crew is driving through a forest fire. Also all the licensed music is good.
What I Didn't Like.
Watching Civil War, I had several questions. "Why is the President authoritarian?" "Why did all these states secede?" "Why did the kid want to be come a photojournalist?" "Why did the mentat need to get to Charlottesville?" "How is the President being authoritarian?" "Why don't the secessionist forces ever take the President's offer for a peace treaty?" "Why do the secessionist forces ally with each other?" "How did the Civil War get started?" "Why did the Civil War get started?" "Aren't all of these action scenes war crimes?" "For what reason is anyone fighting?" "Do the main characters have any politics at all?" "Does this movie have any politics at all?" "Why does the staged and fake hate crimes in the movie make me feel grosser than the real hate crime footage in Monkey Man?" "Why is there a random scene of the two female leads trying on dresses?" "Why do I hate the Courier font?" "Do I care about anything that is happening?" The answer to the final question is no. To everything else is "I don't fucking know." Everything in the movie just feels pointless or awful. It's been said, but the movie seriously never explains anything about the war, none of the politics on either side are even hinted at. The world building is nonexistent. Hell, the motivations of the main characters are nonexistent. Fuck a duck, the PERSONALITIES of the main characters are nonexistent. Kirsten is just an aloof jerk the entire movie, the mentant is a just the old guy. The kid and not Pedro Pascal are kind of fun in the beginning, but soon they get all their personalities trauma'd away. The movie is incredibly gross as well. Not in the details. I mean, a lot of guys get shot and beat and burned alive, but it mostly feels gross because there's no point to it. The last two movies I've recommended (Monkey Man and Late Night With The Devil) are much more explicit with their gore. (I mean a guy disembowels himself in Late Night.) But I think Civil War is worse because there's no point. There's nothing that the story is working towards besides "Hey, this is really disturbing, right?"
"Roan, you like dumb movies. Your favorite movie of all time features kids turning into adults but still acting like kids, and your second favorite movie of all time has a giant radioactive lizard as the antagonist." True Mr. Buggnutz, but you'll reread what I actually said, you'll notice I said the movie is pointless, not dumb. Clearly the makers of the movie are pretty smart. They expertly dodge any topic that might spark a controversy, and the film craft is good. There just no reason for them to do anything that they do in the movie. "But you said in Godzilla X Kong review that you liked it when Godzilla fought random monsters or no reason." Yes, but the key difference is that watching Godzilla fight other kaiju is fun. Watching grumpy people take pictures of atrocities is not. At least when there is not point to it. "The point of the movie is that violence is bad!" Is it? Because I feel like the ending of the movie would disagree. Circling back to some of the question I posed in the first paragraph, the President is constantly sending messages to the secessionists that he wants the US to reform and to have peace talks with them, but the secessionists just want him dead. The movie literally ends with Nick Offerman getting shot in the chest and a bunch of soldiers smiling and posing with him. The war is over! Because of violence! (By the way, this movie wastes so many good actors. Nick Offerman, Kirsten Dunst, Jesse Plemons, and Stephen McKinley Henderson are all generally great and all this movie want to do is shoot them in the chest. Cailee Spaeny is also pretty good until they decide it's time for her to be a carbon copy of Kirsten Dunst.)
My final complaint is gonna be a quick one, but this movie way over stays it's welcome. There are several scenes which start out good or even great. And then something almost imperceptible happens and I just hate everything once again. Sometimes it's just because a scene becomes too cloying. Sometimes a dramatic shift happens in a scene that makes it really stupid. Other times it's because the movie is being quiet and then suddenly wants to to get really really loud. I got several headaches and wanted to scream in ever scene.
Final Summation.
Holy shit this movie sucks. I don't know if I've come out of a movie colder than Civil War. The movie offers you nothing. It's like a teenage nihilist, all it does is point out how everything is either pointless, or horrible, and it is extremely proud of itself for showing you that. The only thing left is the final question, 'HOW THE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN?'.
Seriously. Alex Garland makes good movies. Good movies that are about things. Civil War is about nothing. It shows you nothing but misery for no reason. There's no statement it makes besides a half-hearted "Violence is bad" that not even it's own narrative can stick with. As I was walking home from the theater, I thought to myself, "Would I like this movie more if the message was something I despised? Like if the movie was all about how war is awesome and the only way to stop the evil people was to shoot them all dead, would I recommend it?" The answer is obviously no. But I do think I would be kinder to the movie. There is some impressive staging and some cool ideas of framework. It's similar to Zone of Interest now that I think about it. There could have been something here but the decision was made early one to avoid every single interesting prospect. I think Zone of Interest is worse than Civil War, because at least Civil War made me feel angry while watching Zone of Interest made me want to take a nap. But both movies begrudgingly exist. And I hate them.
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The First Omen Review
This movie, ugh, this movie. I was not looking forward to it. I already don't like demonic possession movies, but also it struck similar chords in its advertisement as the Exorcist movie that came out last year. Which it you don't remember, was bad. Heck, at least Exorcist Believer had interesting trailers. But the First Omen actually got some good reviews when it came out, so I suppose I'm cautiously optimistic.
This movie is going to something of a litmus test. I have a rule that I'm allowed to skip sequels to movies that I have never seen before. I have not seen any of the Omen movies, for above mentioned reasons of not liking demonic possession movies. If I'm too confused then I'll just start skipping prequels as well as sequels.
What's The Movie About?
Margaret is a new nun at a Roman convent, meets a mistreated girl named Carlita, and gets involved with a conspiracy about the birth of the Anti-Christ.
What I Like.
I like Margaret and Carlita. Not only are they both interesting characters, they have a good dynamic with each other and the antagonists in the movie. The tagline of the movie is also correct, there is a good variety of scary moments throughout the entire movie. (But mostly because all other horror movies I've seen this year haven't been the best for scares.) The acting in the movie is also pretty good, but both Charles Danse and Bill Nighy are cardinals so what would you expect.
What I Didn't Like.
I was very confused watching this movie. Not because I hadn't seen the original movie, I think this movie is mostly stands on it's own and what few thing I could tell were supposed to be call backs (or call forwards, rather) were really minor. It's because random shit would just happen. Two character would be talking, then one would walk away, and the next we see her she's setting herself on fire while hanging herself at the same time. There are scenes that either jump forward or flash back (I honestly couldn't tell which), and they appear suddenly out nowhere. The jump scares were pretty dumb. There was a great scene when Margaret is locked in a room but they ruin it by ending with a jump scare. Despite all the confusion I had, I still called the plot twist super early. And not in a fun, I-feel-real-clever way. I also think the the mark of the beast looks stupid. Finally, the movie is set against a backdrop of riots in Rome, which is an interest setting. But they don't really do anything with it.
Final Summation.
I didn't like the First Omen. I don't hate it, it just kind of annoyed me. While I don't think I got confused because I haven't seen the original Omen, I'm still gonna take this as a sign that I should add prequels to my sequel exemption rule. Anyway, if you want a movie where a nun gets impregnated by the Catholic church, go find Immaculate.
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Late Night With The Devil Review
I didn't know anything this movie. It randomly arrived in theater with no fanfare, trailers, not even a poster. It is going away really fast too. Turns out the horror streaming service Shudder put it out for a limited time in theaters before making it exclusive online. The only other thing I knew about the movie was that they use AI art in part of the movie. I will get to that.
What's The Movie About?
The movie is essentially a found footage of the final episode of a fictional late night sketch show as well as behind the scenes footage detailing what went down to make it the final episode.
What I Like.
To start with, I liked all the characters. Most of them are selfish or jerks, but I still empathized with a good chunk, liked their motivations, and was invested with their role in the plot. A highlight for me was the stage magician skeptic character, if someone makes me play Call of Cthulhu ever again I want to play that guy. I quite like the set up and staging of the story, it built tension wonderfully. I also really liked the back drop of seventies cultural revolution, and more specifically, the satanic panic. It does telegraph some of the reveals but there isn't a huge mystery to the story so I didn't mind.
But my favorite thing is thus: Late Night With the Devil is an analogue horror story higher budget. (Or at least a higher budget than the typical YouTube videos that employ this style of horror.) What that means is that the movie emulates older forms of media, complete with glitched visuals and audio, and the movie uses it to find a subtler narrative underneath the upfront story. I really like analogue horror when it is done well. It can create some of the most disturbing ideas and presentations in horror. Some analogue horror can be too vague, where it's just weird shit with no context because the creators figure the fans will piece together anything and that justifies them barely writing a story. It works best when there is a complete narrative with creepier hints sprinkled throughout that imply a darker story. Which is what Late Night With The Devil does. I will say the secondary story might be a bit too obvious, I picked it up on my first time watching and most people I talked to figured it out as well. But I vastly prefer that to seemingly random bullshit that we'll just let the internet figure out what it means.
What I Didn't Like.
Three things. One, there is a coda at the beginning of the movie setting up the movie itself as lost footage being shown as the movie you are watching. But there is no coda at the end. The movie just kinda stops after the finale. It just feels like a loose end that could have easily been tied, and hell, even set up a sequel or connected movie. I'd watch more of these kinds of movies.
Two, while the gore effects are good, the rest are not. Honestly, they are so bad it takes away from the horror of the movie. There was only one scene I thought was scary, and it was because of those great gore effects. But there is a part where a character vomits themselves to death and I wasn't scared at all because of the clearly fake puke.
And three, the AI art. Here we fucking go. When I first heard about it, I assumed it was abstract art. So I just rolled my eyes and said "You really couldn't just splash some paint on a poster board and film it or something? Hell, give a production member's toddler 5 bucks to scribble all over some paper." But watching the movie, the AI artwork is actually supposed to resemble objects, such as a television, owl, and skeleton. Imagine me rubbing my face with both hands when I say Jesus H Fucking Christ. To start with, it looks bad. AI art does not do details properly at all, giving it any amount of scrutiny reveals how bad it is. Also, you couldn't just take ten minutes in photoshop to put an owl on an old tv? Pay a fucking artist to make art, don't use AI! It's objectively not that bad of an addition to the movie, but we can give no quarter on this issue. The moment that corporations replacing job with AI becomes normalized is the moment that we lose.
Final Summation.
I thought Late Night With The Devil was incredibly interesting and quite good. I wasn't being facetious when I said I would watch more of these kinds of movies. Analogue horror is a extremely fun method of story telling, if you do it right. And I think this particular setting could be expanded in quite a number of directions. Or if the Shudder studios want to keep making this kind of horror with different ideas, I would be down for that as well.
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Monkey Man Review
There's a lot of monkey movies coming out this year, isn't there? That's weird. Anyway, the trailers of this movies were so cool, I was so ready for this movie. Apparently Netflix was sitting on this movie for three years before Jordan Peele paid to have it released everywhere instead of just online. Which just proves that Jordan Peele is one of the coolest guys in the world.
What's The Movie About?
Dev Patel's mom gets killed by the chief of all Indian police, so he plans a massive revenge scheme to kill his mom's killer as well as his dead beat dad.
What I Like.
For starters, the story is pretty simple, but unfolds in an incredibly entertaining way. Technically my rundown is a spoiler since you don't know why Dev Patel wants to get revenge at the beginning of the movie, or even that he wants revenge. The characters, similarly, are simple but very likable if they are good guys, and completely disgusting if they are the antagonists. My particular highlight is the sect of Shiva/Parvati worshippers who train Dev after his first assassination attempt fails. Speaking of which, I love the trans rep in the movie. The action is brutal and bloody, every fight feels like a desperate struggle. It flows extremely well with the themes of class resentment and rage that permeate the story as a whole. I also thought the music was really damn good. Not an action scene goes by without the perfect accompaniment, whether it be score or licensed music. And sometimes it's a song you wouldn't think they'd use but it still works brilliantly. I've had Jefferson Airplane's Somebody To Love stuck in my head all week.
What I Don't Like.
My big complaint is that a couple scenes are shot in such a way that is nigh impossible to see what is going on. Either there is a ton of close ups on characters that frankly seem unnecessary, or the shaky cam and lack of focus purposefully obscuring what is happening. There's also a female character that is pretty unnecessary as well, although I guess if she wasn't in it the only female characters are a evil mistress and the dead mom and I probably ding the movie for that. Finally, the subtitling is inconsistent. I'm fine with translating some of the Hindi but not all of it, because what they don't translate you can figure out what it means through context if you don't speak the language, but they subtitle some English lines for some reason.
Final Summation.
Hoolee Shet! Monkey Man is fucking AWESOME! The only question I need to figure out is which movie was better, this or Beekeeper. I mean, both movies are revenge movies with themes and morals I like and are full of brutal and fun action. Beekeeper was better shot, and it was more clear what was happening at any given time. But Monkey Man has a better story and cooler action scenes over all, so I think I give the edge to Dev. Sorry Jason Statham!
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Godzilla X Kong: The New Empire Review
Yay more Godzilla!
Quick rundown on my thoughts of the Monsterverse: I haven't seen the 2005 King Kong movie but I don't know if that counts. I really don't like Godzilla (2014). Skull Island was much better, but had some structural problems. King of the Monsters is the best movie, and probably the second best Godzilla movie ever. (You all know which is the best.) And I watched Godzilla Vs Kong right before going to the theater to see this movie. It was pretty good.
Just like Saints and Sinners, I need to start with a full disclosure: I was somewhat intoxicated watching this movie. I can clearly remember what happened and comprehended the movie, which is why I'm still reviewing it, but I might be nicer than I would be sober. Probably not though, I think I've made it clear in my other reviews I love kaiju movies.
What's The Movie About?
Monarch (the scientists who watch over the giant monsters) receives a signal from Hollow Earth, and with an older Kong goes to investigate. Also Godzilla takes like 3 naps before turning pink and fighting Kong again.
What I Like.
This movie shifts a lot of the focus on the Kaiju characters, specifically Kong. And the physical performances are amazing. There are several scenes of just Kaiju communicating with facial expressions and mime, but you can still tell exactly what the movie is trying to convey and what the characters are thinking. I also didn't mind the human characters. All the humans in this movie (and in the last one thinking about it) are mostly one dimensional, but they have more entertaining personalities and interact in more fun ways. I didn't really like Bernie except when he and Trapper were flirting, but Brian Tyree Henry was really good. My favorite character was Jia, I love that they've kept a deaf character as one of the human leads. Not only that, but she's an adopted character in a happy family. I also liked her mom quite a bit. Anyway, I hope Jia continues to be in the movies. The Hollow Earth people were pretty cool, I liked how their civilization looked and all the crystal spears were cool as well. Of course, the action is awesome. Spoilers, but the finally is basically Godzilla Vs Kong but it's a doubles match and it's so awesome. Also, I joke about Godzilla being pink now, but the entire movie is super neon and colorful. And the Monsterverse should have been like this from the beginning, it's super fun. (Hem hem GODZILLA (2014).) The needle drops in the movie were weird, but I still really liked them. My manager said that the plot seems like it was written by a seven-year-old, and I agree. It's the bet thing about the movie. I'm not saying this to put the movie down! What I mean is it's quite imaginative with the worldbuilding until it randomly gets bored and decides everyone needs to fight a tree. Or that some giant monkeys need to punch each other. And I goddamn love it. Like Godzilla Minus One is obviously super amazing and a better movie in almost every regard to all of the Monsterverse movies, but it is nice to have a movie that just goes "Godzilla now fights a giant squid-crab" at the twenty minute mark for absolutely no reason.
What I Didn't Like.
I'm mixed on using conspiracy theories as world building. On one hand, the Hollow Earth is cool! But on the other, aren't you somewhat giving legitimacy to people who actually believe that stuff, which at best is lending credence to anti-intellectualism, at worst inadvertently supporting harmful ideas? The movie also clarifies that all Titans are supposed to be the same species, which I find to be really weird since about half of the titans look like lizards, a third look like bugs, and one of them is supposed to be the Loch Ness Monster. The movie also missed a great opportunity for a classic Godzilla callback but I won't say what it is because it's a spoiler.
Final Summation.
Just like all the other good Monsterverse movies, Godzilla X Kong is good fun! I'd say it's better than the last one but still not as good as King of the Monsters. I really like the new direction though, bright neon colors, ridiculous plots, and just plain cool moments loosely strung together is what these movies should have been from the beginning, frankly. Excited for more!
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In The Land Of Saints And Sinners Review
Uuuurrrgh. Another rerelease, and another movie that came out of nowhere. ThIs Is GoInG tO bE pLeAsAnT. Look, the other two rereleases this year were the worst movies I've seen so far, can you blame me for being worried? I did find it slightly funny that Liam Neeson is a hit man in the movie and his weapon of choice is a double barreled shotgun. Real stealthy assassin there.
So full disclosure, I was somewhat intoxicated watching this movie. I can clearly remember what happened and comprehended the movie, which is why I'm still reviewing it, but I might be nicer than I would be sober.
What's The Movie About?
Liam Neeson is an assassin in Northern Ireland during The Troubles, and gets chased by some IRA members trying to kill him after he offs the brother of the leader for hitting a local child.
What I Like.
I dug the vibes of this movie. It is simultaneously pretty dark, but also pleasant? Like all of the characters are kind to each other for the most part, and there is a sense of community between all the town locals. But there is also a lingering darkness over every character and location in the film. I like most of the characters as well. Fiction has an excellent way of making sleepy little towns seem really nice and welcoming. Just everyone in them is friends and always helping each other out. (If only that were true in real life.) I like the music too, although I'm a freak who actually likes bagpipes, so take that into account. Also, petty and weird thing to compliment here, but I liked all the accents. Like Liam Neeson should just be allowed to act with his regular accent all the time, it is incredibly sexy.
What I Didn't Like.
I felt like the villains were a bit cartoonish. I liked the leader at the start of the film but by the end it was definitely a good guys versus bad guys scenario. There were also some explosion and fire effects that looked pretty poor, but the movie is pretty reserved action-wise so it's not egregious.
Final Summation.
I quite enjoyed In The Land Of Saints And Sinners. It has a good mix of dark themes, likable characters, and Celtic music. I could see some people not like the darker elements of the movie, but I honestly wished it was darker. Otherwise, worth the rerelease.
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Love Lies Bleeding Review
I'm so excited that I knew nothing about this movie going in. I saw the trailer once. It was before Drive Away Dolls, which seemed to be a movie with very similar premise but the exact opposite tone. (I actually wrote in my notes for that movie to keep an eye out for this one.) I only saw a bit of the opening scene working theaters for Love Lies Bleeding as well, how lucky is that. I realize halfway through typing the last sentence this is once cadence shift away from complaining about spoilers, and I really don't care about stuff like that, but it's pretty rare that I can go into a movie 100% blind these days. At least, not one where I stayed up until midnight to watch it. I'm just being appreciative is all.
What's The Movie About?
Jackie is a bodybuilder hitchhiking to a competition when she makes a stop in a small New Mexico town. There she meets Lou, the daughter of a local crime boss and they fall in love. What follows is a tale of revenge, steroid abuse, frame-ups, and murder.
What I Like.
The atmosphere of this movie is incredible. The music, camera work, and lighting all combine to create an almost ethereal glow that surrounds the sleaze and crime that fills this movie. The magical realism in the movie perfectly encapsulates the characters' emotions and thoughts. The biggest strength is the showing-not-telling that the story is mostly comprised of. This was one of those movies where I'd just be staring at the screen, spellbound before remembering I was supposed to be taking notes and trying to catch up. The acting is also pretty damn good. I'm glad that both Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson both decided to do whatever crazy shit they wanted after Twilight, the Radcliffe career trajectory for actors is always interesting to watch.
What I Didn't Like.
There was a bit of the ending where I feel the magical realism was stretched a bit too far, but I honestly only bring it up because I think saying it will annoy the person I went to see the movie with. My more substantial problem is how uncomfortable the movie made me feel. And I can't really understand why. Obviously there are moments where the atmosphere was supposed to be strange and awkward, but I feel like it extended to the entirety of the movie. And I don't even it had to do with the content of the movie itself. Sure, there's gross and reprehensible stuff, but I've seen plenty of movies where they glorify violence, or where the characters do drugs and have explicit sex, or that are about incredibly awkward topics like spousal abuse or the repercussions of murder. Maybe it's the combination of all those things with the realistic camera work that just overwhelmed me.
Final Summation.
Honestly, I'm a tad disappointed as a whole. Love Lies Bleeding isn't a bad movie in any regard. In fact, by almost any metric, it's a great film. But I feel like it fell short from what I was expecting. I think I just built it up in my head to be something that it just was never gonna be. There were also some parts where the rest of the audience was laughing, but I wasn't, or I was the only one in the theater laughing. I don't think I got Love Lies Bleeding. And unlike something like Lisa Frankenstein, I don't know if I can understand it. (I gUeSs I'm JuSt ToO lItErAl.) Don't get it twisted, the movie is pretty good and if you are interested you should go see it. But I think all the uncomfortable atmosphere is just too much for me.
What a bass-ackwards day. The movie I liked the least was the one I was looking the most forward to, and the best movie was starring Sidney Sweeney.
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Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire Review
Ghostbusters! I feel about them the same way I feel about quit a few other nerd properties. I like it, but I wouldn't call myself a fan. I enjoyed the original two when I saw them as a kid. I didn't watch the 2016 reboot because of all the toxic nonsense around it. (Also I heard it was just okay so didn't want to waste a weekend on it.) And I enjoyed Afterlife. I thought the trailers were fun, but I was very concerned that Podcast didn't appear in any of them. Luckily he is in the movie, so the writers didn't forget about the best character. Hey, it also looks like Finn Wolfhard is actually gonna be doing something in this one!
What's The Movie About?
The crew from Ghostbusters Afterlife moved back to New York City and must face down a new threat in the form of Garraka, an ice ghost who wants to command an army of the undead.
What I Like.
I really like the family dynamic in this movie. Gary's arc of trying to become Phoebe and Trevor's new dad but not knowing where the boundaries lie was really sweet. I really like the entire Spengler family and their dynamic. Phoebe is honestly my favorite character in the whole franchise. I also really like that Walter Peck is back and is now the mayor of New York City, and he's just as correct about everything as he was in the original movie. Good to see that they kept that tradition going. I also like the new characters. Patton Oswald, Jamie Acaster, and Kumail Nanjiani are great additions and I thought they were funny. Speaking of which, the humor is better in this movie than the last one. I also like the worldbuilding. Not only is the villain pretty creepy and the Death Chill a cool power, but I like the expansion of the franchise. Literally, the Ghostbusters are expanding their franchise in the movie to include a new location where the new characters can study ghosts and invent new gadgets.
What I Didn't Like.
Finn Wolfhard is, once again, completely superfluous in this movie. He tries to catch Slimer a couple times but mostly he's just in the background whining about stuff. Nothing against the actor, but please don't bring him back for a sequel unless you're going to actually give him a plotline. Hey, speaking of things to stop doing for the sequel, stop with the nostalgia bait! It's honestly so frustrating to watch these interesting new characters and ghosts have to split their screentime with references and callbacks that purely exist for people to point and go "I 'member that!" I don't mind having Dan Aykroyd and Ernie Hudson around doing their thing, but with the exception of Walter Peck, every time there was a call back to the first movie I just rolled my eyes. And the cast at this point is pretty huge, give some of the more interesting characters breathing room!
Final Summation.
Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire is good fun. I enjoyed watching it and I think it'll be a hit for fans as well as those coming back from Afterlife. I continue to enjoy the Phoebe character and would love to keep watching the Spengler family bust ghosts with science.
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