I hate them all so much, so much. Incredibly, much. I just wish I could stick it to them. I just wish.

Life update: I'm not struggling with weight anymore to be honest. I'm more worried about how happy I am, and I need to be happy for any of my diets to work out. I don't high restrict much anymore, I go on diets that I want to. It's like I've finally turned eating into a friend, something happy. I shouldn't demonize my stomach and my mouth, I should be happy they work. I should be joyous that my mind is finally finding a working place, and I am now. Of course I get jealous and I have those moments where I still purge, but not nearly as much as I used to. Dieting doesn't take as much of a toll on me as it did anymore and I don't try and make it worse anymore. I don't have to be unhealthy to care for myself. It doesn't even matter if any of this makes sense, I just wanna be happy and I am. I've lost 8 pounds and I know if I gain it back I'll cry and cry and be straight at square one, so I'm figuring it out. I'm happy and I'm glad to be happy for once in a long while. I block out my negative thoughts and I'm glad to. I know there's things I can't fix, but they're apart of me and I'm almost happy to have them there after all these years. Like they keep me tied down. I don't look the same, I don't act the same, but there's still those little parts of me I've had that stop me from being a stranger. I hate being serious right now but I'm so glad I don't feel indescribably upset or inexplicably joyous for no reason, and that it doesn't keep switching back and forth so rapidly that I can't keep up and figure out a way to fix it. There's still moments like that, but they're not as big. I'm just fine, and what a joy it is to be.

You know it's like, I honestly don't like it when people I don't like joke about MY mental health. Or they say that I have bi-polar disorder or schizophrenia, because it's so annoying tbh. It's never even a good joke. Like?? Mmmmmm🤔is it funny, is it silly?! 😋

Anyways, I'm somewhat tired of it, tired and energized you know? But in the bad way. You know it's like, I wanna get back into weight loss again and I don't know how to lose weight healthily and effectively, so I might be active more. I've been trying to recover my mind from all that but it's like, I'll never be fully recovered no matter what so?

But I remember I was so deep into my Ed last year because I was just lonely. I wanted something constantly there for me all the time, always in my mind, and for me it was anorexia. So what, you know? I have a friend I like now, but I'm still trying to stop myself from a relapse.

Now I binged all our candy and now I'm gonna have to throw it all up and waste it. All because I had to make myself sad. I hate Holidays with my family.

I hate this so much, it's so unfair and all I wanna do is binge but I have nothing to binge on.

And no one even cares, I still have to watch the door. I fasted all week and I can't go trick or treating. I've been good all week and I can't go. Now I'm crying and I don't know why, it's such a dumb thing to cry about. I'm getting tear drops all over my nice shirt and on my glasses.

This is the worst Halloween. Everyone's working and my dad says it's sad for me to trick or treat alone so I can't, and I got all dressed up for nothing and my mom and sister left and all my friends are in Sellersburg and I'm in Jeffersonville and I can't go trick or treating and my dad has band practice and I've waited so long for this and I worked so hard avoiding candy and fasting and it's all for nothing.

I waited all week fasting so I could make room for Halloweens candy, avoiding all food and sodas just so I could have this one, single day, and now I'm not gonna be able to even go trick or treating on the last year it's socially acceptable to go.

I'm so happy

I think I'm different now. I don't want to pass out anymore. I don't need to be deathly skinny to be loved or cared for. I don't need to be cared for. I just wanna be a kid again, and that's what I am. I want to be healthy, not 17.6 I want to be me. I am me. I am happy. I'm losing weight normally. I may be chubby, but I'll lose it. I'm not gonna eat until I'm sick, or stop eating until I cramp. I'll eat when I need to. I'll listen to my body now. I have bigger things to worry about. But if I take care of my body until my hair grows out, I'll be okay. I should've done this in the first place. Here I am, 1 year later since my dip, and I'm worrying about what I'm gonna be for Halloween, not how to avoid candy. I don't want to be sick. People will care about me even if I'm not sick, because they love me.

That's so fucking ironic 💀

I don't know, should it matter how attractive I am? Shouldn't I be more attractive HEALTHY? All you ever hear is skinny is healthy, or overweight is healthy. Shouldn't the rating of our attractiveness be balanced on our physical health and hygiene? Or am I just saying that because I've never experienced what it's like to be skinny? Even then, would it change?

I wish I could multitask. How come I don't get to have fun and BE fun, but also not eat at the same time? I think I wanna get skinnier but idk what for any more. I think if my arms were skinnier, my arms and legs and belly, then I would be fine. Then, there's this other part of me that wants me to not eat for weeeeeks, to fall over because my body can't take it anymore. I've never been skinny, so I don't know what it'd be like. I'm not sure WHAT I want in weight. I wouldn't be cute with a caved in belly or little thighs. I think if I tried harder, I could do it this time. It's been a year since my first account started, but now I think, just think, I can do it. I wanna try, but I don't wanna be friendless this time. I want to have friends AND be thinnier and I hope I can be. This would be embarrassing if, In the future, I weigh even more.

pretty girl rules🧚

- never eat more than 600 cals a day

- looking at thinspo for 10 mins before eating

- drink green tea every day

- do yoga/ab workouts every morning

- never eat a serving larger than your two fists in one sitting

- only eat healthy food when you do eat and give body it’s nutrients

- shot of espresso if you need to curb appetite

- don’t eat before 12pm or after 8pm

- don’t snack on anything. ever.

- when getting food, don’t eat while serving it because you might uncontrollably binge. serve it using measurement cups and eat only that.

- don’t spend time in the kitchen or pantry

I think the suicide hotline is the hotline to talk to hot girls

Don't ever hesitate. Reblog this. This should be in the tumblr laws. When you see it, REBLOG IT.

I think the suicide hotline is the hotline to talk to hot girls

Don't ever hesitate. Reblog this. This should be in the tumblr laws. When you see it, REBLOG IT.

2 weeks of band camp and I'm so hungry. All I wanna do is eat. I think I'm gonna go vegan, instead. To try and get myself on the right track. Maybe vegan and kosher. I don't know, but I'm trying now.