Anyone: *is watching Leverage for the first time*

Me: have you heard about watch order? Do you know the watch order? Hey. Hey. Are you aware that season one is out of order and requires a specific watching order. Hey. Hey. Hey. Have I told you about watch order yet?

attention joann's shoppers. there is a freak in the yarn aisle buildinf a nest

people who try dickwaving about whatever martial art to be some badass and show how they can win in a fight. sure you can make people do flips and break arms or whatever, but pro tip: you can beat any unarmed martial art by running away and throwing rocks at them. just throw a lot of rocks and it beats every martial art. MMA doesnt want you to know this. just run fast and throw rocks

people who try dickwaving about whatever martial art to be some badass and show how they can win in a fight. sure you can make people do flips and break arms or whatever, but pro tip: you can beat any unarmed martial art by running away and throwing rocks at them. just throw a lot of rocks and it beats every martial art. MMA doesnt want you to know this. just run fast and throw rocks

happy ides of march to those who celebrate

we've done it again folks

I’m having a meltdown. When I was 9 years old I read an article in a magazine called Backyard Adventures about how this antelope, the saiga, was on the verge of extinction. I enlisted the help of my best friend and launched a fundraising campaign called Save the Saigas. We sold lemonade, had bake sales, sold belongings, yelled at strangers as they passed in their cars. Our parents were able to match the money we made. Our school helped. It wasn’t much, it didn’t save them, but it helped the organization at least a little bit.

Y’all. The saigas have been saved. A little piece of my passionate child heart that has seemed hopelessly lost and endlessly disappointed for a long time feels so soothed. Maybe it’s not all hopeless. Maybe our efforts aren’t a complete waste. Maybe we keep trying and actually hope for the best.

The Great Lakes should have their own very small species of whale

Imagine showing up to work one day and people are like "jesus fucking christ there's a corpse in here", herd you to the back room and everyone who sees you also agrees that there is now a dead body where you are sitting, with the appropriate amount of shock and disgust about it. You figure it's some kind of a prank that they're pulling, but also the people that you know aren't into pranks, or aren't very good actors, are treating you like a corpse. They go weirdly back and forth between talking about you as if you're not there, and politely asking you to stay still while they figure out who you're supposed to call in case of a dead body randomly appearing.

Paramedics show up, study you thoroughly and agree that while they can't see any apparent sign of death, you are, indeed, dead, and ask you to climb aboard the ambulance. You're taken to the temporary corpse storage that hospitals have.

On the way there you ask them whether this kind of shit happens often, and while they won't look at you, the paramedics agree that they've never had a talking corpse before, though they won't question the fact that you're moving on your own.

You're eventually led to a morgue, where you're shown a slab to lay on, and at this point you don't really even question it, you just climb onto the Corpse Shelf and lay down, maybe have a little nap, with no idea what's going to happen next.

Then you wake up to someone walking into the morgue, who has the shit scared out of them when you move, and they're like "dude what the fuck, you're not supposed to be here, this place is for storing dead bodies" and when you're like "aw man sorry I thought I was a dead body" they have no idea whether you're joking and they don't care, you're just chased out of there.

And you just kinda go home and take a shower, show up to work normally the next day and nobody questions it.

And basically that's probably how those ants feel when scientists spray them with the Pheromone That Dead Ants Smell Like, and just hang out at the dead-ant-pile until the smell wears off.

opening the weather app. saying “oh lord” and closing it again

popping my back isnt enough i need to be picked up and slammed against the wall like a wet trout

A real, actual, I-am-not-fucking-lying-to-you-this-truly-happened moment from the Christmas special Rapsittie Street Kids: Believe in Santa

one of my final college assignments! we were given a small excerpt of The Circus of Dr. Lao to let it inspire a totally new story. i wrote a short story about a young boy and an ancient water serpent! 💧

PART ½ —> PART 2/2

was really mad that the couches in the lobby at my work got removed :( then I remembered that most days I open there's someone sleeping on them, meaning someone reported that to housekeeping and their "solution" was to remove the couches entirely?? I was pissed about it, then noticed this sign today

the removal of comfort in public spaces to 'deter' homeless people impacts everyone

*jigsaw voice* hello lock picking lawyer. you've made a name for yourself showing people how to break the law. but today it is you that will be- hey. HEY. KNOCK THAT OFF