Monthly evaluations are never fun, especially when you’re a senior trainee; Blackout trainers expected more from you the longer you’d been with the company, the pressure to perform ripening like wine in tandem with one’s tenure. Yuchen supposes that is part of why he was, in fact, a senior trainee, in spite of having only been with the company for two years. Those who had been with the company much longer than him were few and far between, most of the trainees significantly more fresh-faced. 

     He’s finished his evaluation, and although it’s mostly gone well, he’s received the same critique for quite a while now; the trainers can see him thinking. He doesn’t look natural yet, and it’s something that’s begun to drive him wild. He’s meant to try hard, but not look like he’s trying, but not look like he isn’t trying. Surely it’s an impossible balance to strike?      His frustration is interrupted, rather kindly, by a text from Miyoung. He’s hardly able to text her back to inform her that yes, he was finished with his eval, before she’s upon him. The girl has a lot of energy, he thinks, a distinct pep in her step that he kind of admires. 

     “What’s up?” he asks, offering her a smile, not quite confident enough in their acquaintance to hold eye contact for more than a second or two, although that’s not saying much; there’s members of his immediate family he struggles to look in the face, after all. 

# 𝙙𝙞𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙨𝙞𝙤𝙣.

          There are some things that suck just a little bit more than the rest. She recognizes her privilege, so she’d feel guilty listing them out, even in her own head. But that doesn’t stop her from feeling so incredibly bad about herself in that moment. Oftentimes, she mistakes different emotions for each other. Right now, she’s disappointed in herself, but she’s also angry. She should’ve been able to pull off those notes, just like every other time she’s practiced it. However, they came out flat in the end. 

          She tries to rationalize how everything at the monthly evaluation is meant to critically improve on her skills, and not beat her down until nothing is left. “So then why do I feel like I suck at everything?” She whispers to herself. Everyone’s gone somewhere else by now, so she shouldn’t be afraid of someone hearing her. Except, what’s the point in hearing something you already know? She already knows she’s not cut out for singing, heck, maybe even the idol life entirely.

          Miyoung catches herself pacing back and forth before long. She’ll usually be in her own world for hours on end otherwise. But as the negative thoughts creep back in, she pulls out her phone. ’Something, find something. Or someone.’ She’s in desperate need for a distraction lest she finds herself quitting prematurely. Years of training, energy, and improvement would go down the drain. It’ll simply be a case of overreaction if this keeps up, so something’s got to change. 

          Hovering over her texts, she looks up from her phone. She’s still in the practice room, all alone, while her teammates went ahead without her. “Did Yuchen finish his monthly eval yet?” She texts him to ask just in case. It was just her luck that she didn’t check earlier. Running out into the hallway, careful of stumbling into anybody, she makes a beeline for the boys’ side. It’s free reign today, she feels. Everyone’s far too caught up in their own stuff to really pay attention. 

@wbyuchen ♡

new beginnings

a starter for @wbxuyi

     It was a strange feeling, to have Xuyi about in the Blackout building; Yuchen had become so used to there being a separation between his two worlds, the first a world of training, and sweat, and blood, and tears, and the second the world that he thought of as his real life, his friends, his family, Yang Xuyi. The sudden intertwining of the two of them had thrown off something in his head, and he wasn’t sure when he was going to become accustomed to the reality that he only had one world.

     He wasn’t certain yet of Xuyi’s role here, in his Blackout life. He didn’t quite know how to approach him, how to speak to him, how to act with Xuyi when there was others around, and eyes on them. It was something he’d never had to consider. 

     He’d taken it upon himself to show Xuyi around. The head trainer, and Park Jiyeon, had already done so to a degree, but showing someone around the facilities was different from showing someone the ropes. He’d told Xuyi about a couple of people to avoid, about how you could get away with powernaps in the trainee lounge after a certain time of day, about which dishes in the commissary were best, and which trainers were the crankiest. It was kind of fun, in a strange way, to introduce Xuyi to it all, to bring him into this second world that until now had been entirely separate from them. 

     The two of them were in a practice room, currently, stretching, Yuchen inadvertently pondering the form of Xuyi’s face in profile, thinking about how surreal it was to see him here, in this practice room, when Xuyi’s gaze meets his own; he’s been caught staring, it would seem.

     His eyes flicker up towards the ceiling, and he turns his face away slightly, shy for some strange reason.

     “You hungry? I’m uh...I’m kind of thinking lunch in a bit?”