Would you be this sorry if i hadn’t found out tho?

Ive lost all my pride, my self esteem, ego, confidence. everything

I look in the mirror and see something weak

I hate what i see.

I wake up everyday and hesitate to get out of bed

I dont know where we’ll go from here

i honestly don’t

My favourite conspiracy theory is that he regrets what he did to me

I have barely even begun trusting you again

Don’t make me regret it

I listen to 1D songs and pretend you’re saying those things to me.

Thanks for messing it up while we were finally getting better again.

My passive aggressive gestures will never make sense to you. Never.

I dream of that one day you’ll actually learn what i like and dislike.

And you’ll act accordingly.

There’s no point trying to explain things to you.

You still end up disappointing me in the end

I dread valentines day

I’ll always wonder if you’ve wished someone else as well. Like you did before.

The turning event of our relationship

How I had finally started trusting you and it’s all been a downhill progression on trust ever since.

I wish you just wouldn’t have. How different would we be then.

Would you put in the efforts you put in then when you tried salvaging our relationship?

Would you ever understand the boundaries of a relationship?

Do you even understand them now?

I guess I’ll never know.

You make me feel at home.

Its weird how anything you say makes me want to rip my heart out of my chest and squeeze it until the pain embedded in it subsides.

you make fun of how i look while crying w/o knowing how much many tears i've wasted thinking of you.

you think you're messing around but it's become consistent.

you think you're kidding but i can tell how much you've changed.

how much u now like about me and how much u dont.

and all i can see is a tilted scale.

you dont like talking to me anymore

you dont like looking at me anymore

you dont even like being in the same space as me anymore

and you have some excuse up your sleeve

of how I AM just irrational to begin with .

Guess i can finally say, you now make me feel exactly at home.

My hands were always shaking when i had anxiety. What i always heard from people was "Why are your hands shaking?" Instead of "come let me hold your hands and fix you"

- typicalabdullah, "The book I'm trying to write"

I dont know how to make it go away nothing u say or do can make it go away its embedded into my brain I nitpick everything u said that day and find faults in it. How you limited everything down to it was all jokes How you wouldve just kept doing it if i hadnt pointed it out. but i wouldnt know and how that wouldve been better.

There are times when u make me argue with my overthinking

to the extent that I question myself

Is it my intuition or am I overthinking?

The Mind

The mind is one heck of a prison cell, it imprisons you in such a way, leaving you distant, zoned out, unfocused, lethargic and even bed-ridden. But like how a desperate prisoner escapes, you too can escape the mind, say temporarily.

Pessimist

Discovered this word and never stopped associating myself with it since then. At first it would be the normal things in a day. I'd always be expecting something to go wrong. It got to the point where i would be so scared to move a muscle, preventing anything from going wrong, and with the crippling anxiety that follows, i would take alot to heart. Even a subtle bad look would feel like a someone fired a gun at me. Following the trust issues, i strongly believed(or still do) that noone on this planet is worth depending on, now matter how good of a person, they'll let you down.

Distractions

Disassociation has helped alot. May it be through music, reading a book, talking to myself in the mirror, or acting out fake scenarios in my head, i started taking time out, deliberately detaching myself from the present, forgetting about my problems, giving myself room to breathe.

Better Days

I have come to believe that there will be bad days, days where you everything may seem impossible to see the good, but it is important to know that it will pass. Good days will eventually come, if not days then just mere moments. Moments that are worth it. Celebrating those small moments knowing they will too come to end, but being completely ok with that. Because that's just how it is.. Life will always try to put you down and test you in many ways, and you may not take it as well, know that that's okay. Allow yourself to adjust and heal, with time, at you own pace.

There are those who say sick people "don't do anything besides lying in bed". Don't listen to them. They don't understand how some illnesses and disabilities are a full time job. You see, trained caregivers have a job for providing care for a patient.

Sometimes, you are your own caregiver. Isn't that a job even when you are the one doing it? When people can't can't pay someone else to do it, they have to be their own caregivers, providers, emotional support, all in one, all while feeling sick, on your own.

Being sick and trying to heal, trying to care for your body and keep yourself alive when you already are in pain and exhausted... that is hard work.

People who are sick or disabled are not useless. They are working so hard just to get out of bed. We could use some compassion. Our worth is not measured by work. Our worth comes from the fact that we are all human, no matter how we look, how we feel, if we're healthy or sick, none of this diminishes your humanity, your human rights - and every human being deserves equal treatment.

Remember this: you are not lazy, you are sick. You are not useless, you are in recovery. You are not unproductive, you are trying your best to live your life while dealing with your health all the time. See the effort it takes to be you. And appreciate the things you do for yourself, be proud of you because you are still going. You are still here, still alive, and those ableist people don't want to see any value in people unless they are making money. See your own worth. Don't let some ableist person who knows nothing about your life determine your own self-worth. Your self-worth should come from within, and to start building it, try giving yourself credit for how much you try instead of being so critical of everything you do!

Go get your rest, go searching for recovery, try to heal, try to build your own life and your own sense of self. You have been battling these issues for so long, give yourself some credit for how much you overcame. For how much you fight. For how much you try. For the time you take to care for your health.

Appreciate how far you've come. Appreciate yourself just for trying, for showing up, for caring for your body and mind, for reaching out. Those achievements are not small at all. You are here. You are alive. That is already incredible. Let's hold hands and keep going.

I am not entirely ok.

I know we had a conversation. We talked, we clarified, we reassured, we did everything by book.

But I cant help feeling this way. I cant help feeling as if I'm not enough that it wont take you too long to leave that me feeling this way signifies a short lived relationship that if not now, it might end one day, sooner or later,

and even if it doesn't, I feel as though i can't go back to loving you the way I want to, that I'll get distant, and then I actually won't be enough.