"High-Functioning"

A/N: This poem is about ableism and the struggles of being a presumed-neurodivergent-but-undiagnosed individual both in childhood and as an adult. This is my experience. This is about the language and behavior others exhibited toward me. It may also have happened to others, it is also probably not a universal experience and I would never claim that it is.

There are words I hate. There are words that remind me of what was lost, Time stolen from me because I was “smart”. Opportunities erased because I was “high-functioning”. Money I now might have to pay because I could hide my pain. My confusion was buried under layers of “don’t rock the boat”, My struggles were painted over with “you’re just bored”, And now I don’t belong. Too burned out to pretend anymore, Too scared to step into the community I relate to. I don’t like when people say I’m smart, Not because it’s not true, I know more than most, But because they ignore why I’m so smart. I was told I was smart. I was expected to be. I didn’t have a choice, Because I was too smart to be one of “them”. Too smart to need an IEP, Even though I lost more homework in a week than I finished in a month. Too smart to struggle, Even though I had silent lunch for months over reading logs I tried to do. Too smart to need a diagnosis, Even though I suffered without one. My mom liked to tell these “funny stories”, Like the time someone said I skipped a developmental step, Because I needed to be moved up to a higher reading level, And my school didn’t accommodate that until she threw a fit. But I wonder what my mom missed. Because maybe that can’t happen, Or maybe it can, But either way maybe that person saw something she didn’t. A need that wasn’t being met. Maybe they saw that I was struggling, I don’t know I wasn’t even 7, But sometimes I wonder what could have happened, What would have come of someone listening to that person.

A Rant About Everything

To preface this; I am 24. I'm a nonbinary trans man. I have been suspected of being neurodivergent since I was a small child and have not been assessed not by choice but because, well, look at what year it is and I turn 25 later in the year, think about what things were like even 10 years ago, let alone 15-17. I was viewed as high-intelligence so I was "gifted" and "special" and "shh we don't need to get that one assessed, that one is ✨high-functioning✨ so that one can't possibly have support needs" (ok I don't think they actually said that but that's how it feels, I hate the words "gifted" and "special" in the context of people calling me those things because it feels like they're saying I'm "smart for a r****d"). Now, I'm putting a read-more bar because this will be a lot; this way, you can hopefully read the tags first if you need to.

I feel like I don't have a good way to move forward. I can't get a job between the fact that applying for jobs feels like trying to arm-wrestle a gorilla more often than not and the fact that most jobs require experience that nowhere is willing to give (I don't have much mostly because of bad luck and financial hardship, I haven't been able to stay in a job for more than a year, also I once literally dissociated from stress and called out while I was on the subway to go in not long after having been screamed at out of the blue while on the job because canvassing for Planned Parenthood is... A very worthy cause that is not for those who cannot handle very high stress for kind of pitiful pay), I theoretically have some income coming every year from my very-recently-inherited share in a family farm that gets rented out but that's in limbo because of a death in the family just before COVID (the cynical part of me wonders if my transphobic aunt is pissed off that I inherited my mother's portion but I don't think my other aunt would let her do anything to force me out, I'll sell eventually more than likely as I intend to move overseas but for now, I need that money), I can't even really find a way to ask my dad for help because every time I try, my voice just locks up and I can't find the words even if I could make a sound to actually tell him and I've written notes before and just feel like I don't know what to even write at this point.

That is already a beast of a probably run-on sentence and I'm going to break it down in about the same order, expanding on each issue. First, the job search and related issues, this one is fourfold;

My brain says "no" and so my focus vanishes like morning mist in summer and/or my body physically refuses to continue doing the task (it's soooooo fun to be trapped in a body that won't fUCKING LISTEN TO ME /s), such as submitting job applications, particularly ones that ask you to upload a resume then ask you to manually input the same information. This issue also applies to other things.

I have severe social anxiety and probably "selective mutism" which is a terribly-named condition because it is not a choice. My vocal cords physically will not move and my brain no longer supplies words to my mouth when I'm too anxious. Combine that with social anxiety (I'm aware it could be a symptom of the social anxiety, I also live in the US so healthcare above "literally physically immediately saving your life" is a privilege and not a right because people have been tricked into thinking that market forces work to regulate the price of necessities in a corrupt and rigged system) and a particular hatred of and anxiety about phone calls and formal settings (I never fucking know if what I'm saying is actually formal enough or if I'm being too much of a kiss-ass) and you get me being effectively unable to do a lot of following up.

The system is rigged to disadvantage those who are not nepotism babies or starting/started at age 15 or whatever the minimum legal age to work is and don't have degrees. For financial and mental health reasons, I do not have a degree. Because my mom thought it would be great for me to join band in HS to "look better to colleges" (I love her, may she rest in peace, she was a product of her time) and I am not a nepotism baby (no offense to those who are and are good people, it's a systemic issue not the fault of those who were given benefits from said system without necessarily asking for them), I do not have the experience jobs want and few if any jobs are willing to hire someone with very little experience, what jobs I have had have been short-lived either by design or because of circumstances far beyond my control such as asshole customers who don't think someone should be given the benefit of the damn doubt and financial issues forcing me to move to another state to live with my dad.

Apparently, I'm fucking nocturnal. I'm not even kidding, my brain reacts the same way to sunlight that most brains react to darkness and vice versa, I sleep far sounder through the day and, as I've flipped my schedule, I've been doing better mentally and physically (not enough to change my whole life but enough that I'm not constantly fighting to stay awake). As a 4'11"-tall nonbinary trans man, I'm not sure a night shift job would be necessarily safe for me, not to mention how hard one would be to get, but I suffer immensely when forced into a diurnal rhythm. I tried it for almost 24 years so I would think that no amount of "good sleep hygiene" would help because I tried everything. Nothing was as effective as just letting my body do its thing.

I'm sure you can see how the lack of funds and the mental health issues create a fucking loop already. And sure, in theory, I have at least a saving grace, a share in a family farm, guaranteed income, right? Well, apparently, when my uncle B passed BEFORE COVID, that caused ✨issues✨ and my aunt J is still working them out, according to my aunt B (I do not talk to aunt J because she's transphobic and her whole branch of my family tree is just... Off, and not in like a mental illness way where I can understand but in a "they might actually be or want to be in a militaristic Christian cult" way where I just hope the younger ones break that cycle). I trust aunt B, she's cool, I love her, I do not trust aunt J.

My mom passed away on December 1st of 2022, I am her only child, she did not have a spouse at the time of her passing, she had no siblings (at least, no full siblings), and while she didn't have a will, that just means I'm the one who inherits by default. Unfortunately, this is all in North Carolina. I currently live a few states up from NC, I flew down to NC to deal with my mom's passing (I actually went in the hopes that I would just be dealing with next-of-kin stuff in the hospital while she recovered but she passed away while I was in the air), and from what I can tell, their online systems are run by corrupt gerbils who use only hamster wheel power to run their shit, with maybe a backup potato battery. It's ridiculous to me that there is no good way to verify next-of-kin for inheritance without mountains of fucking paperwork. Which aunt J isn't handling right now because she's apparently busy with uncle B's death paperwork and his kids' shit. I'll be lucky to get the check by the end of the year I think at this point. I actually decided to fly home before Christmas because I hated being away from family (my family in the state live a 3-hour drive away from where my mom lived and passed away) and am worried about having to go back but go to my family's hometown this time (where my mom lived is a fairly decent city, my family's hometown might actually literally have only one stoplight, maybe two, though I would appreciate going to the chicken place down there, I miss Smithfields).

Oh and speaking of family, my dad. He's awesome, no complaints whatsoever beyond that he weirdly forgets things that he intends to do for me like getting my insurance info since I'm on his insurance and I need to remind him. Which is hard for me because I'm living with him due to financial issues and already feel like I'm a burden, despite knowing he has a well-paying job (he's made comments about being able to start a bidding war for his services, he works in tech and honestly I wouldn't be surprised, he's good at what he does) and cares about me. Plus my issue with speech.

He actually tried to get me a job. But the person who was supposed to contact me ghosted me and I do not have the mental or emotional energy to deal with those kinds of games. I'm trying to work up the courage to tell him how I feel but I don't know how to put it into words when talking to him. I've been staring at the "remind dad about insurance" reminder on my phone that I made after he told me to remind me since the 8th of December, I obviously didn't do it then because 1, I wasn't in the same state as him, 2, I wasn't in a good headspace, 3, I had way too much on my plate for that. Now, it taunts me because how do I go "yeah you know that thing that you asked me to remind you about in a week when we had lunch together on Thanksgiving, I'm reminding you of that now"?

It feels like all my problems are just a big, tangled-up mess and I don't know what to do or where to start. Just laying them all out like this was hard. I do want to make it clear, I am NOT asking for other people to give me money, I'm in a physically safe place with a parent who is actually a really good guy, I'm not someone who needs it as much as others do. I'm just frustrated with the way things work in this shithole of a country.

Tumblr really just recommends blogs to throw people into existential crises sometimes, huh-