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Last night I had a dream about you again.
The first thing you did was gave me a long hug and patted my head as I cried.
And then you let go of me and sighed.
“I thought I told you last month that I didn’t need to watch over you anymore, but I guess I was never the right one in our relationship.”
And we both laughed and I said I was sorry.
You told me to not apologize about my struggles and that you know I’m a good person with a big heart.
We then talked and I told you how I keep losing everyone I love and care for. You seemed like you knew already, but still listened attentively.
I also told you that the voices inside my head have been cruel to me and have told me that I’m never going to be good enough, that no one will ever love me and that I need to die. I told you it was so loud and even then and there, with you in an ocean of pure white and pink hues, I could still see hints of black smoke off in the distance.
You then covered my eyes and told me not to look over the horizon and just to focus on your voice.
“You will find someone who will love you unconditionally and will see that the voices in your head aren’t you. Your struggles and problems aren’t you. You are not evil and you are warm and full of happiness.”
I told you I don’t think that’s ever possible, I’m so alone right now and I don’t think a person like that exists.
“That’s because you’re blind to the love that you’re already receiving because those people already exist in your life.”
I don’t understand, I said.
“I’ve been watching you struggle but I’ve also seen the same people who you think you lost care for and love you, and these people have big hearts. You just chose to push them away. You chose to see the negative because you think you’ve hurt them and therefore that entire concept turns itself into the evil voices inside your mind.”
I didn’t say anything and continued to listen.
“Can you tell me who you love and think you lost?”
I listed them.
“I can tell you that they still love you and are waiting for you to come back to them. Whatever tangible substances you’ve been using to cope with the voices will never, ever work because as long as you keep thinking that no one loves you, the voices will never go away because those voices are the result of you rejecting the one thing you crave the most.”
I remained silent.
“I’m sure no one thinks evil of you because of the hurtful things you have said or done to them. And there are more people who will come into your life who will love you unconditionally too and you will love them back. You’re trying to rush things but it took 20 years of my life before I met you and 18 years of your life before you met me.”
There was a pause.
“And you know, death isn’t this nice thing that you keep fantasizing about.”
I was confused. What do you mean?
Your hands were still over my eyes but I knew you were smiling at that moment.
“Oh trust me, I would know.”
Even in the middle of a serious conversation, you still knew how to make me laugh.
“You said you want love, but you don’t feel it as strongly in death. I can only visit the people I love once in awhile.”
And what do you do when you’re not visiting the people you love, I asked.
This time you were the one that remained silent. We stood there for awhile.
“Plus I don’t want to see you over here just yet.”
You changed the subject, but I didn’t say anything about it.
“The people over there, those who are living and love you and those who will meet you and love you, need you much more than anyone over here needs you right now.”
And I started to cry.
“Have you been listening to me this entire time? I’m about to take my hands off your eyes.”
I nodded.
Slowly I felt the warmth fade from my face and when I opened my eyes, I was looking directly at you. You had the same gentle smile you always had.
A last pat on the head.
“Take care.”
You then gestured with your hands to look behind you.
You stepped aside and the dark clouds of smoke that were lingering hauntingly in the horizons moments ago were nowhere to be seen.
And when I turned back to where you were standing, there was nothing there but the gentle scent of peaches
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November 4, 2019
Tonight was the first night I really opened up to my mom about my feelings. I had started to do that when I first came home, but there were still some things I wasn’t comfortable with telling her because it was the first time in my life that I was talking about my feelings to my parents. But tonight I let it all out. And I cried and cried and we both cried together for a good 3 hours.
I told her that I felt so lonely. The moment I came back home, there was no one there for me anymore. I only had one best friend that I could consistently rely on, but he was also going through some of his own mental health issues. And I told her it was hard to talk to her and dad because there was always so much negativity that came out of our conversations that it made it hard for me to confide in them. I told her I shut down when I experience any form of negativity. The entire time I have been home, it has been “Do you love us? Why do you keep doing this to yourself and us.” “You need to eat a lot more, that’s all you’re eating?” “Why do you keep going out, are your friends more important?” “Just think happier thoughts and you will be better. “I don’t trust you anymore.”
And honestly it has been so painful for me to sit down with my parents for a long period of time because all I felt was negativity. They didn’t understand that I AM working to get better, and their negative comments and talks with me have pushed me deeper into depression. People think that it’s okay to use the guilt trip for someone with any sort of mental health issues - that it works because it’s aggressively telling someone to be active about getting help. But that’s not how it works. It’s like if your boss yelled at you to do something, you’re going to do it but there’s always going to be that resentment and bitterness and you’re more than likely to not do as good of a job because you’re more obsessed with the fact that you just got yelled at. I’ve experienced that before at my past job, and thrived so much when I had a manager who gave me support and told me “Just let me know if you need anything, I’m here to help.” I’ve said this consistently before but I work so much harder on anything if I receive positive encouragement. It was the same for work and it’s the same for my mental health.
So I told her that. I told her that some of the people I loved the most were the ones that were the most negative to me. I had to hear my best friend tell me that I have a problem and that she defended me for so long but can’t do it anymore and that all I do is stress her out. I had to hear my FP tell me to figure my shit out and get help and that everything I did to him this past year was fucked up and that I was a child. And then I had to hear my parents guilt trip me on how I was ruining everything because I wasn’t “trying hard enough.” I think, after all of that, I’m surprised I’m not dead in a ditch somewhere. The only reason why I think I’m not is because I didn’t want to die knowing that the people I loved the most hated me. I want to ask them: “If I die tomorrow, what is one thing you wish you had told me?”
And so I asked my mom that. And she started to cry. If I can remember correctly, these were some of the things she told me:
“You’re an absolutely beautiful person on the outside. That’s why everywhere you go, people are drawn to you because you’re pretty and funny. But your inside is dark and that’s why people leave you, I keep thinking of every single boyfriend you’ve had that was attracted to you because of how you look but then left you because your inside is ugly. Same with friends. I don’t want to see people leave you anymore because of your inside. I just want you to be beautiful both outside and inside.”
“I’m sorry that your dad and I have been so hard on you. But when we see our daughter in this state, we’re scared that everyone around will see her not as beautiful as how we see her. We don’t know how to approach talking to you about these things because we don’t fully understand so all we know how to do is be hard on you because we worry and love you.”
“I used to wish all the time that I could win the lottery. This was when we were poor, but I still wished it from time to time. But now, even if I win the lottery tomorrow, no matter how many thousands or millions of dollars I win, it’s never going to make me as happy as seeing my daughter thrive and love life and become the beautiful and successful person that I know she is and will become again. My only dream for as long as I live is to see you happy, and find the right people who will love you unconditionally just like how your dad and I love you. When you hurt, we hurt with you but in those moments when you are hurting, we have to love you even more because we know that’s what you need the most. We just haven’t been the best at showing it. I’m sorry.”
And I wept ugly ass tears. So hard I couldn’t breathe. And she held me and cried with me and honestly I felt like one of the boulders I was shouldering was lifted off of me and I felt so relieved. This was all I needed to hear. This was all I needed to hear from anyone who I love, and to hear it now from someone who I love so much but had such a rocky relationship with these past few months...I can sleep a little easier tonight, breathe a little easier tomorrow.
I’m going to therapy as well as going through a detox program starting tomorrow to help me with the withdrawal symptoms as well as walking me through healthy habits on how to cope that doesn’t involve substance abuse like drugs or alcohol. I’ve been very good lately - I haven’t really touched alcohol and haven’t touched my drugs at all. I’m not entirely sure how this program works, but if I’m gone for a few days it’s because I’m probably in there getting monitored on my detoxing journey. My mom told me, right before I left to go to bed, that she was proud of me for seeking this help and that she sees me as so much stronger now that I was able to open up and accept that I can’t get through this on my own. And that’s all it took to make me feel happy. That’s really all it takes to keep me going. And for that I’m forever so thankful.
P.S. To those of you who have been sending me such warm, encouraging texts and Snaps and messages - I just want to let you guys know that I’ve read all of them and that I will get back to them as soon as I can <3 I have received so much love and kindness that I want you guys to know that it has really helped in pushing me through and seeking out help. Ever since the first day I posted about my blog, I know so many of you have been keeping up with my journey because I see texts from you guys almost every day (even those who I have not talked to since college or high school). I just want you guys to know that this is exactly what I needed. And I will get better, I promise. :)
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October 31, 2019 & November 1, 2019
I woke up the morning of Halloween not feeling the best - it was a struggle to get out of bed because the moment I woke up, I remembered that the ones I love the most are not there anymore. I obsessively check my phone to see if any of them has messaged me, and become depressed and sad when I don’t see anything from them. It makes me feel so alone. I don’t want to bother them anymore so I don’t message them first, which has been absolute torture. I want to see how they are doing, what they are up to, and to tell them that I miss them. But self control is something I’m practicing.
I texted another best friend of mine blocks of texts just venting out all my feelings. I never got a response, which made me curl up in a ball for a bit. My withdrawals are getting worse and worse - I read that trying to detox on your own is actually life threatening because you’re all of a sudden depleting your body of what it was so dependent on that your body doesn’t know how to handle it. I made an appointment for next Tuesday to receive medical assistance on detoxing safely, so I hope that will help with the withdrawal symptoms.
I had plans to go to a rave for Halloween, but even that was hard to look forward to. I sat staring at my Neko-Chan Nezuko costume for hours wondering whether it was worth it to go out, even though I was so looking forward to wearing it out and to rave again after so long. And then at the absolute perfect time, my best friend from California, who I have not talked to since I left, sent me an encouraging and positive text reminding me to love myself, because the moment I love myself is when everyone else will love me too (if you’re reading this, which I know you are, I love you very much <3). This is the positivity I need to keep going.
And so I put on my costume, though half-assed because I was a bit lethargic after spending all day in my mind (like I didn’t even put on the sash or ribbons or anything lol I was like eh..it’s a rave, not a convention). And then I went.
And it was one of the best decisions I’ve made during this recovery period.
I received so many compliments on my costume and so many head pats it was ridiculous lol. I would walk around and someone would scream “Nezuko!” and then ask for a picture with me and then give me a head pat. Or if I was just chilling and dancing, random people would come up to me and just pat my head. Or if I was walking by people, I would get random hugs (and moaarrr head pats teehee do u see why I’m so happy I fucking love head pats). I felt like I was at a convention bc I don’t know how many pics I took that night with people or how many people walked by and yelled “I love your cosplay!”
And I met so many cool people that night too. A girl in a Sailor Moon costume spotted me and freaked out hahaha she was like “HOLY SHIT IT’S NEZUKO” and hugged me for like a minute and wouldn’t let go lmao. She then actually started tearing up?? Bc she was like I love Nezuko so much holy shit you’re so cute I loveee Nezuko and took like 5 billion pictures of me and with me. We’re now friends on Instagram :)
I also met like 6 Tanjiros too LOL (but surprisingly no other Nezukos or Demon Slayers?). They were all so nice and sweet. One of them chased me from half way across the venue bc I was walking toward the bathroom and asked for a picture with me. He then stayed with me for a bit and saw that I was struggling to see bc I’m short af and asked if I wanted a shoulder ride. I said no LOL bc I’m scared of heights and two wtf that’s a weird thought to see Tanjiro shoulder carry his sister (carry her in a box, not your shoulder bro). We did exchange Snaps and I got a head pat before we parted ways :)
The other Tanjiros who walked by me were also super kind. We took pictures and also exchanged Snaps and man it just felt so PLUR that I felt like I was in a state of euphoria all night. At some point, a girl walked up to me and just stood next to me and stared at me. She was so short wtf like I’m short but this girl had to look UP at me. She clearly did not look okay, and I asked her if she was alright. She just nodded, but grabbed onto my arm and just mumbled “Nezuko” over and over again. I took her with me to the bar to buy her a bottle of water, and at that point one of her friends found her and thanked me for watching over her. I felt happy that I could help someone out :D
Then at the end of the night, I was walking toward the exit when ANOTHER Tanjiro approached me. He was with a group of friends who spotted me earlier but they said they were too shy at that point to come up to me. He asked for a picture with me and it was originally a selfie, but then his friends were like dude you need to piggy back her she’s your sister. And so I agreed to that, and like 10 plus people had their phones out to take pics and I’m like am I at a rave or a convention lmao. I not only exchanged Snaps/Instas with Tanjiro but literally all of his friends too and I got 10 more head pats LMAO. I woke up this morning (I’m writing this on Nov 1) and saw that Tanjiro posted the piggy back photo on his Instagram with the caption “pats head” and I smiled :) Although it was super embarrassing because people commented thinking I was his gf and I was like IOJDOFJSOIJ oh nOOOOoooOOOO
(he messaged me and apologized for his friends and I was like hahaha its ok...but I’m still feeling very embarrassed and shy >__<)
And remember that smol Asian girl I helped earlier? I found her sitting outside on the curb alone when the rave was over. She looked 10 times better and I noticed that more than half her water bottle was gone. I approached her and asked her where her friends were and she said they were in the bathroom, so I sat down next to her to keep her company. She thanked me for watching out for her because she was rolling on something bad and lost her friends, and she didn’t know who to approach. But then she was like “Then I saw you and I was like Nezuko can’t be a bad person, Nezuko can take care of me.” And so this time I was the one to give the head pat and I told her I’m glad she was feeling better. We exchanged Instagrams before we both parted ways. I felt so warm after that.
I’m also very proud to say that this is my first ever rave that I went to sober. And it was still so much fun and the fact that I can remember everyone and everything is such a great feeling. I woke up this morning to so many kind messages and Snaps and Instagram posts/comments from the people I met last night that I would have been so sad if I didn’t remember who they were. I was also in the right state of mind to help someone and to not make a fool of myself. There were many times where I would walk by the bar and stare, but my mind screamed no, you need to love yourself, your body needs a break since you are detoxing, you are strong and don’t need any substances in order to have fun. And I kept telling myself that, and the many people I was surrounded with last night truly kept me grounded. I haven’t been this happy in so long. The rave community truly is a blessing and I’m so happy that I went out last night (although my head is a little sore now from all the head pats LOL but it was so worth it).
10/10 would rave as Neko-Chan Nezuko again. <3
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October 30, 2019
Tonight the pain is unbearable. I am trying my absolute best to hold on.
Who do I have anymore? Is someone out there? Please I’m so desperate to talk to the people I love again without being shut down or ignored every time. I can’t get through this alone. Please. I just want my parents back, my best friend back, my brother back, my FP back.
Please send good thoughts tonight I’m so scared and I want this pain to stop.
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Dear FP,
I hope you’re doing well, and I hope that you’ve been getting enough food and sleep. I just want to let you know that I am doing okay too, and that I took your advice to figure my shit out and get help.
I feel like I have hurt you so much these past 3 months that the happiness in the first 4 months we met have been clouded over. I truly felt genuine joy with you those first 4 months - you made me laugh, you made me feel good about myself, you cared for me and checked in on me often. Especially coming off right after 2 heartbreaks back to back, I felt safe with you and somewhere along that timeline I started to love and care for you. When you texted or called me, I was so happy. I enjoyed the nights where we would talk for hours on absolutely nothing. I had a lot of fun helping you out with your resume. Watching you play DDR was truly an experience. The anime cons where people wanted our picture was weird af tho. You became my FP, and everything I did or said revolved around you. I was actually frightened for you that you became my FP because everyone who ever became my FP has left because it was too much to handle. But you promised me you wouldn’t leave, you wouldn’t give up, and that as long as I worked on getting better, then that’s all that matters. And so I was motivated to become a better person for you and for myself.
Then sometime around the end of July/early August hit where things didn’t feel the same anymore. I think around this time was when you moved away. I knew we wouldn’t be able to talk as much as we used to, I grew to accept that. All I asked was for you to let me know when you were busy bc I tend to worry a lot when I don’t hear from you in awhile. But the way that you talked to me felt so much more different when you did talk to me. It was more distant and it wasn’t as kind as how you used to talk to me. I was scared that you stopped liking me, that I was annoying, that you liked someone else, that you were bored of talking to me, that you finally saw how much I was to handle...and so I panicked and tried to desperately save it however I could. But in the process of me trying to save it, you grew further and further apart. And I felt my world crumbling.
This was also around the same time my first meds started giving me bad side effects and I stopped going to my DBT sessions because of the cost. I knew I was going to quit my job soon and so I had to budget wisely. I should have never stopped going to my sessions though no matter the cost, because I didn’t know how to cope with you becoming distant in a healthy manner. Because there definitely were times in the first 4 months we knew each other that I did feel a slight rift, but my DBT helped with walking through my emotions and I was able to handle it pretty well. I didn’t know how desperately I needed to rely on my sessions in order to maintain something strong and healthy with you, and this is something I deeply regret today.
When I saw you again for the first time earlier this month, you do not know how happy I was. It had been rocky with all of my episodes and me finally figuring out why I was the way that I was toward you during my episodes (fuck those dumb meds), but seeing you again in person...I was overjoyed. I had not felt that happy in so long, even if I was only able to see you for a few hours. Right after that I had to go home to Texas but I made my best effort to see you again. But it didn’t feel like you wanted to see me again, because I remember when I asked you, you said “I’ll let you know.” And you never let me know.
I didn’t find out until later that you were going through some issues of your own because you never really confided in me. At this point I was back in Texas, and so our time zones were off. I started to panic even more when we would go hours or days without talking. Even something small such as “I can’t talk today, I’m busy with family stuff” or “I’ll text/call you tomorrow, I’m going out with my friends today” would have put my at ease. I was always the one that was chasing for answers because not talking to you for a long time without knowing why really stressed me out. And then all the worse possible scenarios started to come to my mind because I was left wondering why you weren’t talking to me. And then I started to overthink. You knew so much about me but you never really shared anything with me. When I wanted to talk to someone if I was going through a bad day (or even a good day), you were one of the first people I would talk to along with my best friends. You knew all of my friends but I knew none of your friends the same way you knew mine.
I was pushing to prove to you that I was getting better during my first few weeks back home and I really was. I was happy that you were proud of me. I really felt like I was keeping my promise with you. I tried my best to educate myself on the things that you liked, like your games, so that we would have something to talk about. I watched you play some nights so that I could educate myself even further, even if that meant I had to stay up until 7 AM, and tagged you in memes that would make you laugh because I like it when you’re happy. And at some point I realized I was the one making so much effort to talk with you and to know your interests better when I didn’t feel much effort on your end - but I wanted to do whatever I could and so I never brought it up even though it was hurting me a lot.
I think the lack of communication without ever really knowing what was going on with you made me sadder by the day. And when I finally was able to reach you, your responses were so stiff and short that it made me feel like it was a chore to have to talk to me. There were many times where I wanted to ask why but I was so afraid to upset you. That was my biggest fear - that you would grow so upset that you would leave.
And then that one fateful day did come this month, where I made the biggest mistake of my life. There were so many things that led up to that moment (i.e my family, my brother, my best friend...), but in terms of you, since this letter is addressed to you - it was a culmination of so many negative emotions that I felt as a result of all the above. I felt hurt because it didn’t seem like you cared to make the time to talk to me anymore and it didn’t seem like you liked me anymore. I felt jealous of the people who got to see you and talk to you more than me. I felt angry at the fact that I didn’t know how to control my emotions with you and that I didn’t know the right and healthy way to fix things between us. And in that one moment, that one block of time, I did something that I should not have done. I went and sabotaged our relationship because I made the poor decision to take more pills than I should have, hallucinated that everyone loved me again, and annoyed you with my spam of calls and texts. My mind was in survival mode with everyone that I lost - it kept telling me that I needed to get in contact with whoever I could until someone answered my call for help. I woke up the next morning and cried in horror at what I did to everyone, including you.
It’s sad how a bad decision in a 24 hour span can erase the two and a half weeks of hard work and determination I took to get better. Just like how 4 months of happiness is forgotten because 3 months of struggle is all we can remember. But I’ve come to accept that. There’s nothing I can do about it now because it already happened. The only thing I can do now is to work on getting better and erase the effects of those 24 hours, those 3 months, from everyone completely. I’ve thrown out all my pills so that it doesn’t happen again. The withdrawal is real and painful, but I can’t imagine it was as painful as what you had to go through when you had to deal with that. You watched a human being crumble for 3 months and you had to take so much damage from that. And for that I am so so sorry.
There are so many other things I want to tell you - how I wished you had given me more positive encouragement in my lowest of lows. I wished you had told me “It’s okay, I’m here for you and we will get through this together.” Those sort of words would have propelled me to working much harder at recovering. I thrive in positivity and shut down in negativity. But it’s not your fault that you got angry the way you did. Your frustration frightened me to the point that I was too scared to move, let alone work on getting better. But that’s okay, you didn’t know that. I don’t blame you for being agitated by my behavior. Anyone would be upset by what I said and did. I don’t blame you for anything. These are only “I wished” that will no longer happen.
It hurts me so much to have to let you go. For someone with BPD, it’s painful to see anyone you love go, but it is absolutely heart wrenching and devastating to let your FP go. But like the many times in the past, I have come to accept that the pain an FP goes through is absolutely selfish of me to make them have to endure through any longer. I only want you to hurt once. I have hurt dozens of time already by watching my FP’s suffer because of me, and so I will carry that burden for the both of us because that’s what love for someone with BPD is. I kept pushing you away, I kept telling you to leave even though my brain was screaming please don’t go. I just knew the hurt you would experience one day by being with me so I put my selfishness aside so that you wouldn’t have to hurt any longer by me. This I can do out of my love for you, even though right now I am so, so sad that my favorite person will no longer be there for me.
All I want is for you to be happy, and I just want to know from the bottom of my heart I will always love you and care about you and wish you nothing but happiness and warmth. I am sorry for the damage I caused you. You are a wonderful, beautiful, kind, and gentle human being and I did not want to destroy that any further. Please always be the same, caring soul that I grew to love so much.
I will continue to work on myself to the best of my ability. There is never going to be a day where I will be absolutely cured, because that’s not how BPD works. It’s a prison for the rest of my life - I can only tame it using the best methods I can. I know I will still have my low moments, but never again will I go back to the self destructive behaviors I had when I was with you. This is my new promise to you, because our promise to never give up on each other now ceases after we now have both let each other ago.
I love you and always will. One day I will be strong enough, and the moment I reach that, I will let you know. I will tell you, “See? I kept my promise.”
Sincerely,
V
P.S. - Remember how I told you I wrote you a letter, a collection of all of my feelings for you and promised to give it to you one day once I finalized it? Part of it is in this message, part of it isn’t. One day I will give it to you, when both of our days are happier and we are no longer hurting.
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And when someone says “figure your shit out,” please also tell that to the person next to me with breast cancer kthanxbye.
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October 29, 2019 pt.2
Yesterday was kind of a nightmare because I was going through really bad withdrawals from not using my meds after being so heavily dependent on it. I developed a really bad case of insomnia and cold sweats, and I haven’t slept actually in 48 hours because my body can’t stop shaking. The pain is getting kind of bad and I’m hoping that I can fight through this. Ganba, V~
I think another thing I’m struggling with right now as well is learning how to handle an FP. This has jolted me awake when I felt myself almost falling asleep for weeks now because I miss him and sad thoughts would cross my mind. Because BPD revolves so heavily around relationships, there’s a term we use for our “favorite person,” or FP, for short. And they’re not always your significant other either - at one point in my life my FP was my best friend from college, even though I was dating someone else at that time (this FP reached out to me the other day and said she wanted to start our friendship over, by the way. This was after not talking to her for 3 years after she abandoned me. This is technically(?) the first FP who has reached out to me after abandoning me, and I say technically because I still keep in contact with one of my previous FP’s even though he abandoned me on an emotional sense).
And every time someone becomes my FP, I feel so, so sorry for them. Because it’s almost an unhealthy obsession with wanting to be with them and talking to them every single waking second. Whatever they say or do can make or break my day. If I wake up and see a text from them - I’m literally in a state of euphoria all day. If I don’t see a text from them - it’s seriously the worst feeling in the world. Everything is black or white - either all good or all bad. I feel like the happiest person when they say something nice to me. But if they’re mean I slip into a really bad state of unhappiness. Even worse - lack of contact, either for hours or days on end, feels almost like I’m about to die and I start to freak out: are they going to abandon me? Do they not like me anymore? Did I get too much to handle? Are they hiding something from me? And then the fear turns me irrational and angry and I try to test them to see if they’ll leave.
And usually they all do, because I know it’s upsetting and a lot to handle for a person to have to go through that. And I don’t blame them, even though I myself suffer so so much from feeling like I will never be good enough for my FP. Almost everything revolves around them that the moment they abandon me or if they’re upset at me, it just feels like my entire world turns completely black. My world just falls apart and I slip deeper into my depression. In times when I’m struggling, what I need to hear is “I’ll be here for you, we’ll get through this together.” I have not heard that from any of my FP’s - even though they are the one who I want to hear it from the most. And if they do say it, it’s not consistent. Saying it one time doesn’t fix everything. This is an ongoing battle, and I will have my plateau moments and I will have moments where I stumble. And in those moments where I stumble, positive encouragement is what I need to hear the most to keep pushing forward. But instead, as I continue to stumble more and more, the words of encouragement slowly turn to scorn, and the negativity causes me to shut down for a long, long time. This is the effect of an FP on someone with BPD.
Just right now as I was thinking of my FP and what he told me the other day, my mind almost went black. But I’m not letting it shut me down like how it did all the previous times, because I want to prove to everyone that I can start over and have the resilience to become the best version of myself. And I feel like the shittiest person in the world for putting my FP through so much pain that I know if he knew I quit after I told him I was working on being better, he would be even more upset. And making my FP upset is one thing I’m more afraid to do than anything else.
I’m still trying to figure out what to do from here. The withdrawals as well as my confusion and sadness from not being able to talk to this person has been absolutely painful, and I can only hope I can resolve all of it soon.
But to myself: Positive thoughts, V! There’s nothing beautiful about sitting around and being sad. And you’ve already done a great job by throwing away your pills and focusing on healthier ways to bring yourself back up and try to mend your broken relationships. You are stronger than you know, and more courageous than you make yourself to be. If no one is going to hype you up then you have to be the one to hype you up :)
On a lighter note - I decided to go as Neko-Chan Nezuko for Halloween :) (neko-chan because that’s like my signature look at raves, no matter what I’m wearing). No wig this time around, but I’m not going to a convention so I ain’t sweating to be accurate lol.
See you guys tomorrow as always, but I also am going to start writing letters to those whose relationship I’ve broken: my parents, my best friend, my brother, and my FP. Some will be longer than others because I really am pouring everything out, and for some I have a lot more to say. I think I will write one tonight and post it tomorrow.
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October 29, 2019
I don’t actually really want to die - I just want the pain to stop.
Was what I told my psychiatrist today. It’s true, though. If you could see the shit that goes on in my mind, you would cry.
I told her I didn’t want to use meds bc the two times I was prescribed meds was what got me into this situation in the first place, and she recommended something I knew she would recommend - DBT. I’ve had a few DBT sessions back in California but stopped because it became way too expensive. I remember that it really did help, though, and that during those moments I was probably the happiest in my life. But then I stopped, and the stress of work and being absolutely overworked started to wear me down, the stress of heartbreaks and trying to regulate my emotions bc I found a new FP also wore me down, the negative effects of my first medication also caused me to have blackout episodes more often...all of these things were the original trigger to me spiraling out of control 3 months ago. Before that I was fine - happy, bubbly, never picked fights. I wanted to go back to those days, and so I knew in my mind DBT was something I wanted to try again.
If I could have one superpower - I would want the ability to be able to rewind time back to 3 months ago with all the knowledge I know now. I would want to tell myself from 3 months ago that I was going to lose my closest best friend, that my parents would become ill because of how worried they are, that I would have to quit my job and move back home because of how ill I became, that my FP will stop caring about me and will abandon me too. And to toss away the meds I had ASAP. If I knew I would hurt the ones I love and lose them in the process, I would have never stopped going to my DBT sessions.
But I can’t have that superpower, so all I can do now is fix what I can in the present so the future can be better. And so I have my first session next week - I’m super excited to finally be able to walk through my emotions and make healthy and safe decisions and judgements when it comes to my relationships. Anytime my relationships wreaked havoc was when I stopped going to my sessions. This is something I will need to budget for in the future to maintain positive relationships with those I love. I never want to go back to the me from 3 months ago, or even the me from last week, ever again.
Speaking of budgeting, my biggest question now is where I want to be...I’ve always thought that moving back to California was something I wanted to do. And it still is. But because my mom is very ill, I think the best decision would be to stay in Texas. This debate has made me a bit confused on my job search process. Next week I have an interview in Dallas followed by one in Austin a few days later, and this past week I’ve been having interviews with places in SF (I thank the technology generation for allowing video interviews now). I am not too sure what I would want to do, where I would want to go. Being in Dallas or Austin would be cheaper for sure and I can always drive back home on the weekends to be with my parents. But California has been a dream and I want to stay there a little longer. I am torn, but I’m leaning more toward staying in Texas because I don’t want to be selfish. I want to be with my mom, because life is fleeting and I won’t know if today or tomorrow will be the last time I see her.
I have a pt. 2 that I want to write for today because right now I’m sort of struggling with something else - my FP, or “favorite person.” I will probably write about that some time tonight after my workout and spending some more time with my mom :)
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October 28, 2019
I haven’t written a blog in over 3 years. Thanks to the encouragement of my best friend, I decided that it was time to find healthier ways to cope with my thoughts and emotions as I head down this journey of recovery. I really hate talking about my feelings and it’s scary as fuck lol, but it hurts so much to keep it bottled up inside. Thank you for joining me.
I experienced the darkest period of my life the past 3 months, so much so that I had to quit my job and move back to Texas for a bit. At some point I was on a code 5150 in California and I couldn’t emotionally stay there anymore. I was watching my parents turn ill because they were worried about me, and I saw all the relationships that meant so much to me slowly and sadly deteriorate. I decided to go home to recover.
And the first few weeks back at home were actually quite encouraging. I decided to take care of myself more and did something that would better my life in some way - I forced myself to wake up early so I could work on maintaining my Vitamin D levels. I went to the dentist and I went to the eye doctor to get new prescriptions for my glasses. I had the first pap smear ever in my life. I practiced meditation and started to eat a lot more often. There was never a day where I shut myself inside - I was always out with friends or family to avoid being alone with my thoughts. I seriously thought, “This is it, there’s no regression happening soon. I’m really feeling a lot better.”
But.
Starting last week something(s) caused me to feel like I was falling back into my darker self. One night I came home after a night out with my friends to find my mom lying on the floor. I don’t know how long she was lying there but I freaked out and started crying. I thought she had died from a heart attack and I couldn’t stop panicking. She eventually woke up and told me the truth as I was holding her on the floor after shaking her awake - that she was really sick and that it was bad. And then my mind went dark. Did I cause this? Did I worry my mom so much that she got this ill? Did I kill my own mom?
And then things got progressively worse. I reached out to my best friend whose relationship I damaged so badly to try to fix it but it never really progressed further than the equivalent of “hey how are you.” Then that made me freak out because it’s the one relationship in my life that I value very highly and thought that nothing could ever tear it down. My brother eventually moved out of the house, and even though the reason was legitimate and logical (to be closer to work), I still felt like I lost a part of my home life. My FP started talking to me less and less as the days went on and as a result, I became progressively more sad because it felt like he was going to abandon me soon, too. What used to be us talking every day eventually turned into (luckily) maybe every 3 days and the conversations had no more substance. It felt like he didn’t enjoy talking to me anymore because the tone grew cold unlike how kind it used to be before, and my mind registered that as an automatic rejection.
So I started to slip again as I watched everyone around me who I loved the most leave one by one. And the biggest fear of someone who struggles with BPD is being abandoned and rejected because our entire existence revolves around our relationships. I panicked. And I didn’t know how to cope other than to rely on my meds - and when I got to one of those days where I was in an absolute state of despair - I would take more and more to not feel anything anymore. I fell into a state of addiction, but my meds were actually hurting the people around me even more. I started to hallucinate when I took too much, and started acting and saying strange things to those I loved without even really remember doing it. I would hallucinate that my brother moved back home and I would call him repeatedly. I did the same thing to my FP. And my best friend. Literally those who I knew were slipping away quickly. I would look back on the excessive calls and texts I sent to everyone once I woke up and I would cry in horror.
Nothing I said or did made sense, even to me. Some things I said were absolutely nonsense, some were absolutely mean, and some I don’t even know how to describe in words. I am an awful human being, I would think to myself. I felt the frustration, concern, rage, confusion...the spectrum of all negative emotions that can be felt by those I loved and hurt. All the negative emotions caused me to panic, which caused a mini seizure that threw me into even more panic. And in that moment I wished someone would have told me “I’m here for you, let’s work through this together.” Because positive encouragement is what pushes me through - being verbally lashed out at and called “crazy” is what shuts me down. I already know that I’m batshit. I tell myself that every single waking moment. What I needed was a helping hand, a gentle push, an affirmation of acceptance that I’m trying my best.
My parents watched this all happen and grew even more concerned and started monitoring me even more closely (which made me feel even more trapped - which caused me to slip even more). One night I was out with my best friend and he told me that I needed to stop my meds immediately because he was concerned that one day I might actually OD.
In my head I thought, “You know, that might not be so bad. I’ve been trying to die for a long time anyway.” But he was right. Once I saw what the reality was, it became scary to think that what I was using to make myself feel better was making those around me feel worse. Which in turn would make me feel even more sad to the point where I would have to rely on my meds even more heavily. Which in turn will cause everyone else to feel hostile and frustrated with me. It was a vicious cycle of absolute chaos. And so I tossed my meds, dyed my hair, and told myself I’m starting over. Let’s prove to everyone who I love the most that I’m not weak and that I have the resilience to become the best version of myself.
Tomorrow I’m going to the doctors to find a more natural way to cope. I am pausing any sort of meds for now and looking at other ways to calm myself down that doesn’t involve self destruction. Blogging has already helped a lot since I finally feel like I don’t have to keep everything tied in a broken bow inside. I’m working out a lot more, and dyed my hair to a color I’ve always wanted to do but was too scared to :) I hope one day I will be able to heal the relationships I have damaged so much, but for now I need to find my own personal joy and a reason to look forward to waking up tomorrow.
But yeah lol thanks for coming to my TedTalk I’ll see y’all tomorrow.
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