Limbo

Some days are good, some are not. Cohabiting with someone is definitely something to get used to. I keep a lot in my mind. I don't know if you could handle it, as I know I can be harsh. You get angry easily at things and I judge you for it because I don't find them important and you blow off things that I would like to do or get done because you don't find them important. We are disconnected and I worry we will crash and burn soon. I worry one day I will explode and tell you everything I've kept from you and you will not like it. I've calmed down in the time we've been together. I can feel it in my spirit. I feel lighter somehow but different worries start to bubble. It is difficult for me to be physically affectionate with you when we've been apart for so long, especially considering the time we did spend together we fought often. I feel like I don't know you anymore. I'm tied to you with our child but you've become a stranger to me. I feel like we need to start over in order to have a chance at this but at the same time I don't know if it is what I want. I worry.

Regression

I never thought I’d feel like this during pregnancy. In the past few weeks I’ve felt lows I never knew I could reach. I’m in this hole and I can’t seem to climb out. I know I have issues and I am trying to work them out but I can’t seem to do so. I’ve scheduled therapy, but I wonder if it will get here fast enough. I’ve tried flower therapy to get the edge off and while it has helped some it’s not enough, I’m scared this is greater than me and my son. I can still trust in myself that I won’t do anything stupid to myself or others. I am not there. I hope I never get there. But this feeling of nothingness has me shook. When there is feeling it’s anxious and with bursts of tears. So many tears. I wonder if people can tell the seriousness of my problems or if I am still disguising it well. It’s been an exhausting day today pretending at work I am okay. I had a bad day yesterday. I’ve got so much pent up inside me the bursts are full of tears -uncontrollable tears that leave me feeling exhausted, both physically and emotionally. My thoughts are convoluted and come in spurts. I try to calm down but when I think I’ve done it, the resentful thoughts pop up and I lose my shit all over again. Yesterday was a bad day. I felt alone, abandoned and neglected. When I voiced this, I was met with “you knew I was going to be working, why didn’t you make other plans” well because I drive three hours to see you not anyone else. Because I crave your attention and not anyone else. Because in the time since I have left (14 months ago) you have only visited me twice. Once because our friends were here and once to go to our sons anatomy 20 week scan. Which you made a point to tell me that this counted as a visit. All the things you’ve bought me, I’d return them all in exchange for some of your time. In exchange for you having visited more than the two times you did. I just wanted time. That’s all. Instead, I was the one that drove the three hours as many weekends as I could. And even when I went I still had to drive to your house. You couldn’t come to me. I always had to go to you. Recently, you’ve come but I can count the number of times you’ve done so, in my hand. Now you’re moving here, which I pointed out you had to because if you didn’t it was likely you’d miss the labor or because he’d have appointments right after birth and it was not feasible for me to drive three hours with a newborn in tow to see a doctor within my network, now -well now I don’t want you here. I’ve felt neglected for so long that forcing you into being here with me almost disgusts me. I don’t want you against your will. The resentment of not having been visited in over a year comes to the surface easier now, I can no longer bury it and smile at you pretending like it doesn’t bother me as much as it does. You always had an excuse. I let it slide when you were working but sometimes I thought you’d purposely work weekends to avoid the drive or avoid visiting. Something would always come up and something would always be more important than seeing me. I should have broken up with you for it. I wanted to but I always thought maybe the next weekend would finally be the weekend you’d come, and I’d hold off. I just wanted you to want to visit me. We’ve deteriorated, and the baby has only made it quicker I think. We rarely text. I don’t know what to say to you anymore. Gone are the days of the good morning and good night texts. The I love you’s and I miss you’s are used sparingly and when you do tell me, I no longer believe them. I tell you I do too but sometimes I don’t believe me either. I no longer know if I still love you or if I love what we used to be. I miss us so badly and while part of me hopes you moving here will fix it, the other part tells me it’s too late. And the larger part of me tells me you shouldn’t be here against your will. I know you will forever be a part of me because of our children, both living and dead. But I wonder quite often if our time together as one is over and if we’ll only live on as one in our child. Everyone tells me this is the time to be pampered, by myself and by my significant other but I can’t help but feel that everything I’ve done lately is in hopes of keeping you happy. And I’m so exhausted of doing so and getting none of you in return. Did you know that a man told me today how amazing I was for going through pregnancy? How he could never fathom all the changes both mentally and physically I have to deal with and I was amazing for doing so? That should have came from your mouth not another man. Someone else appreciated me more in that moment than you have in a long time. I want to quit. But instead I know I will have to quit my job and move back to that town again. I’ll go back to the town that I’ve gotten pretty much everything I can out of. I’ll slash my paycheck in half. Because I know as well as you we cannot afford to stay in the bay area. Daycare costs would ruin us. I look to motherhood with dread. Dread of being in an apartment by myself with a newborn and not knowing what to do because you’ll be off working. That these things that run in my head will only magnify upon his arrival and I will have to do it all by myself. How am I supposed to take care of a child if I myself am not okay? Dread of knowing our time in the bay will be limited, not that I particularly liked living here but at least it wasn’t Fresno. Dread of going back to some dead end job struggling to make ends meet. Maybe daycare will be cheaper but we won’t be making enough for much else. Ultimately, I don’t regret this child. I regret the circumstances surrounding this pregnancy. Maybe in another life this would have been a happy event. Maybe our relationship would have been more solid. Maybe I would have had every other physical pregnancy ailment in the book and in exchange I would have kept my mind.

I don't feel like a grown up.

Or someone's mother. Yet I'm about to be. Who would have thought that I'd be at this precipice so soon in my life. Well maybe it's not soon but it's a hell of a lot sooner than I thought I would be. I'll be 26 in a few days. I'll be a mother in 4 months. But I do not feel like I should be allowed to be someone's mother yet. I was literally clubbing it up like a week before I found out. I am not where I wanted to be at this point in my life. Let me back up. Since I've spilled my thoughts last, there's been a whirlwind of change. I had plans of leaving the nest, and while I did, I also stumbled into someone who has been changing my life since he showed up. He treats me like one should be treated, and let me tell you that was something to get used to. I was more of a fling person. But looking back at the few relationships I did have- they were all kinds of crazy. Let me tell you that being treated nicely and like you're worth something is really hard to take when you've allowed yourself to be treated otherwise. You may love yourself but if you let other people treat you like shit, well then what the fuck self. You're only half doing the shit you said you were. I think what also made him interesting to me was the amount of time we were able to spend together so soon since I had recently moved out. I was able to make my own rules. He fawned over me, and I didn't know what to do with all that attention. I was pretty mean in the beginning, acting like I didn't care for him as much as he did, his intensity overwhelmed me. I was internally fighting myself over wanting to be showered with attention and being by myself in my new place to truly be on my own. I'm a selfish person, I can admit that. I wanted it all. And while there were moments I resented him for maybe taking too much of my time, I couldn't tell him no. Or maybe I just didn't know how. He's stuck by me ever since. Through my tantrum of wanting to leave that small (but growing) town my father condemned us to when we left LA, to my actually leaving that same town. I always meant to leave, I told him that, and he knew but I was too impatient to wait for him too. I meant to go back to LA. What better thing than to live in my happy place, right? I needed to do it myself. I needed to do it as soon as possible. So about a year and a half into our relationship I packed my bags and effectively made us a long distance relationship. He could have broken up with me. But in that year and a half we had already gone through things that change you both as a couple and as individuals. I think maybe that's when I knew we'd never leave each other. We had our issues. We still do, just like every couple. We're the same in our stubbornness yet we're so fundamentally different. It amazes me how we still stick by each other in spite of it. In my time as a brand new Bay Area resident, I didn't do much except for explore my surroundings to make sure I could exist on my own. Found my nearest gas station and target and made myself a new routine. I love summer and the sun and being warm. Life must have had a good long laugh at me when I ended up in freaking San Francisco out of all places. Did you know this place has no summer?!?! That shit was harsh. I became vitamin D deficient. Because that's apparently a thing. You know since there's NO FREAKING SUN HERE. I had thought I was home sick and depressed but I knew depression and this was different. It felt like what I had always felt like when winter rolled along back home. But all the time. Who knew that shit was so important. But I'm steering away from my move. I was still definitely homesick for my friends, family and boyfriend. I didn't want new ones. I wanted my circle but in a new place. Again, I wanted it all. Listen I'm a dreamer and I'm proud of that shit. I'm allowed to want it all. I had my routine of working and staying as late as I could because I had nothing else to do. I have roommates, but as I mentioned before, I didn't want new friends. So I became a hermit and my room and work became my shell. I'd leave it only to go home on the weekends to see my friends and family whom I had promised that I'd visit. I was so hell bent on leaving the town that I was unable to grasp what leaving my people would be like. I visited so often it was like I hadn't left. They were only a drive away. But the more I became confident in myself the more I could stay away. I reconnected with an old coworker who lived about an hour away. She and I would go out in that small town before she left for school so I felt like I had a small piece of home on the occasions I met up with her and her friends. I felt like I was slowly -very slowly learning to go out and really enjoy my new city. It only took me 10 months of living here to want to do things with other people albeit with a security blanket/person. Who knew life would laugh at me yet again? This time it came on the form of two pink vertical lines. Terrified doesn't even begin to cover it. My boyfriend and I weren't ready. My mind flashed back to when we were but 3 months into our relationship. What had happened last time. How it broke me, how I'm sure it also broke him. He doesn't talk much about it. He's a quiet person, and we process things differently, I did not ask. We talked about it eventually but in the end I do not regret it. I do not think he does either. But things like that change you, and I knew I could not bring myself to do it again. So that meant only one thing. I was going to be a mother. I always imagined that whenever I was ready to be a mother I'd have my life figured out, that I'd have a house and that when my future husband and I made that decision, my only concern would be what color to paint the nursery and what cool gadgets we'd have for our baby. Unfortunately, my boyfriend and I aren't married (that's the least of my problems), we don't have a house (we don't even live in the same county), and I do not have my life figured out. Not even a little bit. So how in the hell am I supposed to tell my boyfriend that he's going to be a dad? Well, I have to say I thought too much about the last time, how hard of a decision it was for both of us and how in love he was with that nugget the last time, the short time we all spent together. It changed me in ways I can't even describe, so it was careless to think that the same hadn't happened with him. I thought a cutesy way would be the way to go but news like that had to be done in person, so I started to plan, but those first trimester hormones sure do fuck with you. I was acting weird already and he knew me too well not to know something was up. I was so close. I was 3 days away from seeing him when he guessed it. He guessed my surprise that I thought he would be excited for. That I thought he'd kiss me and be happy and say that maybe it was our do over. But he was not. I really don't know why I overlooked the amount of pain the first time had caused us. Obviously we had changed. He was so angry. He immediately said we weren't ready and that this was a mistake. We needed to take care of it, like last time. Man those words shook me. The twinkle that was starting to form inside me shut off, it was like being punched and getting the wind knocked out of you. This was nothing like his reaction the first time. It was a complete 180. My claws came out, and I made it clear that it would no longer be an option. I would be a mother with or without him and if he wasn't going to be a part of it, I needed to know so I could plan accordingly. The weeks that followed were tense to say the least. He came around before the first appointment, but the initial reaction had left it's cut. There were moments after where he'd revert to his initial reaction, but looking back it was fear of the unknown. I was scared too, I still am. I'd say it's for different reasons but fear is fear. I don't blame him for shutting off the twinkle of happiness growing in me. I blame myself for not being able to turn it back on. He's very much a realist, and will sometimes make good points, but realism doesn't make for growing excitement and hope. Not for me anyway, at the time I was still 9 months away, I could have done with a little dreaming and excitement before getting down to business and planning the nitty gritty. I grew stressed, and fearful of the uncertainty that follows a decision of this magnitude. I was too overtaken by the negative feelings to feel excitement for this baby. In telling people I started to hurt a little more every time I saw the excitement in their faces that should have been in mine. This wasn't how it was supposed to go. I'm supposed to be the one excited and glowing with anticipation. I thought I could fake it till I made it. I started trying to plan for the fun stuff, but I think I was more excited when I wasn't pregnant about the things that could have been as opposed to what was. It's been a weird ride these past 5 months and I try not to let the lack of emotion for this little guy get in the way. I still try my best to remember the prenatals, the appointments, and to talk to him every now and then as opposed to just being stuck in my thoughts. I hope my detachment from most things in life doesn't affect me for when he does get here, because I very much would like to feel that explosion of love for him, that thing all new mothers get when they find out they're pregnant, or when they see their newborn baby. I already know I will do anything for him, I just wish I felt more excited for his arrival.

Aurélie, the world is crying with you. - Greg

Parents get Harry Potter trivia very, very wrong (x)

Lmao oh goodness, i will never be that parent!!

Ha! 10 points to Gryffindor!!

Congratulations to Emma Watson for graduating from Brown University! 10 points to Gryffindor 

Beem going through some things, can't get them off my chest. It's a hard time, no doubt.

I'm always a little scared that when either of us ends what we have it will be for real... I've had you too many times and for too many years to not want you around forever.

Be very afraid. - where are you pizza?

Usually I love my birthday and my birthday month, and I count down to it and I usually have something planned that I want to do. This year I didn't, it felt like an ordinary day and I've had a rough time since. I do feel I'm getting better, but I know I'm not at my best, so this Valentine's day since I've had a rough past couple of weeks, and I had no Valentine, or anyone to buy me things, I went ahead and did it myself. I bought myself flowers to cheer myself up, and since I always wanted a heart shaped pizza, I went and bought that too. I stayed home and shared my pizza with my brother, while we watched a movie and I tried to remind myself that despite what happens, I need to remember to love myself first. I come first.

I can't decide if my life is getting more into focus or if maybe I just completely lost it.

Porterville

Who knew I'd be having a good time in such a small town... Thankful it will be my temporary home in about two weeks(:

What do you do when you've alienated everyone from yourself? When no one believes you and every aparent cry for help just gets you deeper in the hole and makes everyone hate you more? What do you do when youre alone?

Suri Cruise is Blair Waldorf, obviously.

Finally, a minion who carries my stuff and doesn’t complain.

Yes I am:)

Find yourself. It can happen in the most unexpected places.

A retrospect on my year, but mainly me rambling.

Today is my last day as a 22 year old and although I should be celebrating or sleeping for that matter, I can't help but look back. As someone who is secretly self absorbed, I tend to mark the beginning of my year with my favorite day of all, my birthday. It helps that its fairly close to the beginning of the actual calendar year. So here I am at the close of one year and I can't believe at how I've grown and at the person I'm becoming. This past year I've gone through a romamtic disapointment to a complete failure in my professional life as well as my scholar one. I feel like I've pretty much messed up as much as I can possibly mess up and I kinda just have up to go from here. I can fall and while I tend to take things roughly, I've always managed to come back. Always. It's not that I'm made of rubber to always bounce back from things but while I forget it often times, I come to realize that I'm alive and that it counts for something. I have to gather my strength and believe in myself enough because no one will do it for me. I have to love myself enough and muster whatever stubbornness I have in me and trudge along, because what's the point of being defeated and giving up. You just lose meaning of life, you lose yourself. Last April, I thought my heart was broken; and it was, but I mended myself back together. It wasn't an easy journey considering I hate being alone. I overthink. It happens to the best of us. And while I thought my body and soul itself was breaking, I escaped to my happy place and left it all for a week. I didn't get over it that quickly, but it helped me gather the strength to begin the process to do so. I don't know what it is about my generation but I feel like people my age are scared of being alone. No phone, no check-in. My most therapeutic day on my week of running away was my day at the beach. I had no intention of going there because I have a phobia of the sea, but I faced my fear for that day and with doing that, I was able to face my thoughts. I'd never been so happy to be by myself, in a place that literally makes me cry when I go with others. I think its because I have to deal with it on my own, at my own pace, and my way. That meal by myself at the pier, and sticking my feet in the sand and even walking along the shore near the end of my day was so invigorating that it gave me the hope of starting over. The knowledge of me facing my fears and thoughts on my own because I loved myself more and because I could. I might've been alone on that trip but at the end of it I realized I was all I needed all along. In walking the very place I feared, I found that part of myself that saw the broken me and kinda just shook myself to consiousness. It was a long process getting over that person, but what got me through it was my love for me. I'm still single and although I'm still not quite at 100% with being so, I'm incredibly more comfortable with it than I've ever been, and it gives me hope for the future. As for my professional life, im working on it, but I've realized its okay to mess up. Starting over and reinventing yourself, is hard, but wonderful in itself. I'm not where I want to be, and I'll get there someday, I have no doubt; but if I make the progress I've made this past year, well, I'll be there in no time. I'm looking at 23 with excitement, but also looking back at 22 with deep appreciation for all it has taught me. To the next year.