11/27/16 3:15am

Pao,

It’s been two months. Akala ko okay na ako, hindi pa pala. 

09/26/16

Hey! I don’t know why I’m here right now, honestly. It’s 1am and you know how I get when it’s this time of the day. Tambak na tambak ako sa school work but here I am writing this letter na hindi ko naman alam anong kakahantungan. So, here we go? Maybe, I wrote this letter because I wanted to tell you something na baka alam mo na because you still stalk me.  Maybe I wrote this letter because this is the only thing that’s keeping me connected to you, mabigat din sa loob ko na may hindi ako sinabi sayo, kaya eto na.

I’m coming clean. Alam mo, I wasn’t supposed to tell Mama about you anymore. Kaso putangina talaga ni tadhana, sobrang bitch nya. Naglilinis kami ng condo, 2am na ata nun kasi sobrang kalat. Naglilinis ng mga libro si Porj tapos biglang may nahulog na picture, pinulot niya agad pero nakita sya ni mama. Tinanong sya kung sino ba yung kasama niya don. Nagsimula na kaming tumawa ni Sean kahit alam kong parehas na kaming kinakabahan, ako nun naiiyak pa nga. Umamin din naman si Porj eventually pero wala naman kasing halong galit, like what I expected from Mama. Tumatawa nga lang siya. Ako na yung susunod, sabi ko “wala na ma e, basta ma wala na.” Di naman na sya nagtanong tapos si Sean na yung susunod, umamin na din siya. Nung medyo patulog na kami, nagkakadramahan na. Etong mga damuho kong kapatid, nilaglag na ako, “yan si ate Pat may pinagdadaanan yan ma, siya dapat bigyan mo ng advice.” Alam mo, umiiyak na ako nun habang pinipilit kong tumawa nalang. Wala na, kelangan ko ikwento kung anong nangyare. Kinwento ko lahat, wag ka mag-alala, mula nung nagkakilala tayo hanggang sa nagbreak tayo. Alam mo, ang sabi lang ni mama sakin nun, “asan ba? Papuntahin mo naman siya dito, iinuman kami.” Pero I never had the courage to tell you, kasi nga, what for? Di ka naman pupunta, diba? Kaya sinabi ko nalang kay mama na busy ka palagi dahil sa work mo. I was scared na isshrug off mo lang ako or sasabihin mo sakin na wala kang pake so why – why should you go? Why would an ex go to my house and meet my mom when I know he doesn’t care anymore?There were nights that all she wanted to hear was stories about you. Gusto niyang ikwento ko pano tayo nag-aaway, kung PDA ba tayo and to top it all, kung babalikan daw ba kita if ever. Every time those nights came, I secretly cried myself to sleep. Nanghihinayang ako Pao. I know this was best gift I could have ever given to you – this was all you wanted, diba? Pero tulad nga ng sabi mo, I’m too late – I always am. Nothing can change things now even this one. Now, this is the reason why I keep blaming myself. Kasi tulad ng sabi ko sayo, I was the one who put us in this situation, I was the one who gave you the struggles in our relationship. No, I’m not saying this dahil nagpapaawa ako, I’m saying this kasi ito naman talaga naffeel ko and no matter how many times you tell me na kasalanan nating dalawa na hindi tayo nag-work, it will always fall in the situation that I kept you a secret to my family. I know it hurt you. I know it still hurts.

I’m sorry; I hurt you so bad that you thought na hindi na natin kayang ilaban. Pero kahit hindi mo parin ako hinayaang lumaban, pumayag naman ako. I wanted you to be happy, I wanted to release you from the burden my existence has brought you – I wanted you to be free from the things that hurt you. I don’t know, I’m sorry for everything; especially the missed opportunities, the simple joys and the shattered dreams.

I miss you, and I hope you miss us too. I’m so thankful I had you in my life. Grabe Pao, ang dami ko kayang natutunan sayo. From the simple things tulad ng tamang pagtawid hanggang sa pagturo mag-control ng nararamdaman ko and in all honesty, you raised my standards so fucking high that I don’t even know if I’ll ever find someone like you again – if I’ll ever find love that was like ours. I’m too broken right now and I don’t know how I’ll be mended, one thing’s for sure – I want you to mend me. I want you to fix me. All the hurt that I’ve been experiencing because of you doesn’t bother me, really. Hello kay Beng, hello na rin kay Jolens. Kahit lahat ng tao sinasabi sakin na deserve ko ng explanation, I didn’t ask that from you. I still have respect for Beng naman, kahit anong gawin o sabihin ko, girl friend mo siya at masasaktan siya. I also have respect for myself, I don’t want to put myself out there kung saan baka isipin mo na desperada na ako. Heck no, kahit di ko na nga naiintindihan, I try to understand. I know why you chose her; she gave you everything that I couldn’t give you. She’s the of right age and of course legal na agad kayo sa family nya at sa facebook. That’s the saddest part about it, what I couldn’t give you for 2 years she gave you in just a couple of moments. It breaks my heart really but that’s what made you happy and because of that I’m happy for you. I always am and I always will be. Because no matter what I do or say to myself, I cant get myself to hate you. Even if it hurts so fucking bad, I cant seem to hate you. Anong klaseng gayuma ba to Paolo?

So maybe the agenda of this letter is this; I don’t know when this will get to you or how – I just know someday it will, maybe we can have coffee sometime and talk? Baka kasi pwede na ulit tayong mag-usap na wala na yung galit at sakit at katulad nga ng sinabi ko sa umpisa, eto nalang yata ang bagay na nagpipigil sakin para tuluyang mag-move forward. Maybe when this day comes, wala na talaga akong courage kausapin ka, so I’ll let this letter speak for my future self.

I still love you, that’s certain but it doesn’t hurt that much anymore.

Always and Forever,

Patleyy.

08/22/16 1:59am

I guess it’s official, I am replaced.. There is a new person taking care of you now, someone who wont give you petty problems like I did, someone who is your same age and someone who doesnt have family issues. I’m happy to see you happy even if it feels very unfair that it only took you two months to move on. I’m happy someone says she loves you in public now because you I couldnt before, I’m happy you get to go to her house and maybe meet her parents. I’m happy because I want you to be happy even if that happiness doesnt include me anymore. 

I still write with tears streaming like a river but I can assure you that I will be fine - someday. For now, I hope she takes care of you well. 

08/15/16 12:01am

I should really stop checking your profiles. Nalulungkot lang ako at binibigyan ko lang ng meaning lahat ng posts at retweets mo. "If I get a dollar every time I thought of you, I'd start thinking of you" Masaquette beh. Huhuhu. Anyway, gusto ko lang sabihin na miss na kita tsaka ingat ka palagi lalo na bukas kasi may tornado kanina sa Binondo. Sana di mo ma-expi yun. I love you 😔

08/09/16 7:35pm

Pao, Feeler na ako kung feeler pero yung subtweet mong yun di ko alam kung kikiligin ba ako o malulungkot. Sabi mo i'm looking better after ko magpost ng selfies ko. Kikiligin ba ako kasi tangina maganda parin ako sa paningin mo ganun :(((((( or malulungkot kasi nakikita mo nalang ako as a person moving on and i dont even know if nanghihinayang pa ba. Anyway, kiligin nalang siguro ako kasi nagagandahan parin u sakin :)))

08/08/16 1:34am

Pao, Wala kang pake pero isusumbong ko parin sayo tong hayop na nagttake advantage sakin. Pota nanghingi lang ako ng advice TAPOS POTA NILANDI NA AKO HAYOP NA LALAKI TO TANGINA. Awayin mo nga sya Pao :((((((

08/08/16 12:38am

Pao, lumabas recent picture mo sa wall ko. Suot mo yung polo mo nung nagbreak tayo, bago relo mo, bago sapatos mo at pati narin ata pants mo. Im happy for you! Youre finally treating yourself sa mga bagay na deserve mo naman. Hay. I miss you. I still love you.

08/06/16 6:30pm

Pao, Legal na tayo :)

08/02/16 7:45pm

Pao, Even if you dont love me anymore, is there any chance that you miss me?

08/02/16 7:37pm

Pao,

Gago napanaginipan nanaman kita. Tulog daw ako tapos pinagttripan mo ako. Maya-maya umiiyak ka na kasi gusto mo akong ikiss. Huy, kung magkatotoo man yun, sana wag kang matakot gawin. Halikan mo lang ako sa kahit anong paraang gusto mo. Sa totoo lang, natatakot ako sa last chorva natin. Why? Natatakot ako na hindi mo ako hahalikan. Para sakin dun malalaman kung pwede pa ba. Natatakot ako na baka pag dating ng time na yun, nandidiri ka na sakin. Na napipilitan ka nalang kaya natin gagawin yun. Baka sinasabi ko lang to ngayon pero baka ako naman pala yung maduwag pagdating ng araw. Ewan Pao. Anyway, miss na miss na kita uy. Miss na kita paglutuan at miss ko na yung mga lambing mo. Hay.

07/26/16 7:05pm

Pao, Well I finally got the closure I needed. You fell out of love and it's okay, thank you for being honest with me and for letting me talk to you again. Someday, we might have a second chance right? Sana nga at kahit hindi tayo magkatuluyan sa pagkakataong yon, okay lang, susulitin ko na bawat pagkakataon na binigay para satin.

07/20/16 1:01am

Pao, Third attack this month. Pumunta ako sa tungko tinry ko magsimba pero hindi ko pala kaya. Tanga tanga.

07/14/16 12:01pm

Pao, Two panic attacks all because of you. Hahhahaha. Kainis diba? Tangina ang tanga tanga ko kasi. Haynako.

07/12/16 12:41am

Pao, Happy 2nd supposed Anniversary :) I hope you remember hehe

07/10/16 3:17am

Pao,

Alam mo kung ano di ko matanggap sa post mo Pao? Yung nandon sa condo talaga si Jolens or kung sinong babae man yun. Tanggap ko pa kung magppost ka na naghholding hands kayo sa work or sa SM pero tangina mo???? 

07/10/16 1:46am

Pao,

Sobrang gago mo. Sobra. Si Jolens yan diba? Yung officemate mong kamukha ko. Galing mo eno. Tangina ka. Tangina mo. After all we’ve been through youre now treating me like trash. Fuck you.

07/09/16 1:38pm

Pao, I'm frustrated, tangina sorry. Ilang days ko na napapanaginipan yung kontrata natin, hindi ko alam kung nagawa ba talaga natin yun or not. Di ko alam kung may magbabayad ba satin ng 5k sa isa, ewan. Nahihirapan ka din ba katulad ng paghihirap ko? O ganun nalang kadali lahat sayo yun? Pao please.