this is the first night in a while where I am having trouble comprehending you all leaving. I see all these pictures of people meeting up with their grandparents for lunch for the first time since covid and I’ve never been so jealous in my life. The things I would do to go out together as adults are endless. How I imagine the laughs we would have together, how I imagine the arguments of who is paying would happen in the most endearing way. How I imagine how different my life would be if you were here. There’s nothing I’ve experienced in my life close to the pain I feel when I think about all the things we could have done if you were given just a few more years. When I see people having that great adult relationship with their grandparents it shoots jealousy right through my body because I know we would have had the best times together during a time where I could have fully cherished your presence. I know we would have had the best relationships, I would have told you everything and I know you would have loved hearing all about it. I hope you know how much I regret not taking advantage of the short time we were in each other’s lives.

I would love to rewind time just for 5 minutes, I would say so much. I can’t thank you enough for giving me the love that you gave me every single day of my life. My childhood was the best it could have ever been thanks to you. I am so unbelievably grateful to have had even the short time I had with each of you, you showed me what unconditional and everlasting love feels like, you showed me strength even in your weakest days and you showed me happiness through every second of every day in your company. It’s hard to live without you by our sides, I would have done anything to keep you here any longer, it will always be hard not to have you here for those big moments and small. I don’t think I will ever find it easy to love without you.

I know you are with me everyday, guiding me through the rough times and helping me soar. I hope I am making you proud, i am proud to be called your granddaughter. You are the greatest people I will ever know. I love you eternally.

grief, i’ve learned, is really just love. it’s all the love you want to give but cannot. all that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and the hollow part of your chest. grief is just love with no place to go.

-1:25am

!!!

source

have a nice day :)

Why is it so easy to feel unloved, but so hard to feel loved?

you ever get in that depressed mood where you’re like yeah i’m sad but i’m used to it and i just want to lay here and wallow and listen to sad music for a while because same

person: hey you ok?

me, dissociating: 

grief, i’ve learned, is really just love. it’s all the love you want to give but cannot. all that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and the hollow part of your chest. grief is just love with no place to go.

-1:25am

Such wounds to the heart will probably never heal. But we cannot simply sit and stare at our wounds forever.

— Haruki Murakami

i wish i was enough for someone

I never got to tell you how much you meant to me. I hope and pray that you knew how much, I will never be able to hug you one last time. I will never be able to laugh about silly things with you. I will never be able to have those adult conversations with you. I can’t stand that. It’s been over 6 years and over a year since I lost each of you. It still hurts just as much. Time is a great healer. Not in the ways I thought. I thought with time I could talk about missing you without feeling my heart being ripped through my chest. I thought with time I could think about how I know you are looking over us without bursting into tears. Time has been a great healer in knowing how to control when I can grieve. To understand my way of grieving and to acknowledge my triggers. I had lived an incredibly sheltered life, not knowing any real pain or heartache before you left Nanny. It was a complete shock to my system. It completely devastated me. I didn’t know how to handle it. I was a child who lost their favourite woman in the world. My favourite place to be was in your company. And you were gone, out of sight but in my mind every second of every day for the last 6 years. I’d never felt any pain like it. From that day on it felt like a knife was permanently stuck in my chest. I’ve missed you every millisecond of my life since the last time I saw you Nanny, you made everything better. I love you. Over 4 years later, you were reunited with your Husband. Grandad. Everything has turned completely upside down since you left. I don’t know how anything will ever feel right again in my life because you were the chain that kept us all moving, kept everything right. When we lost Nanny there was a sort of comfort in visiting you in your home, it felt sad but like nothing had changed. I wish I spent so much more time with you in those 4 years. There is nothing I regret more than not spending those precious moments with you. You were my best friend who I could never get enough time with, so when you left the knife in my chest got ripped out and left a massive gaping hole in my heart, my body and my entire life. The pain I’ve been feeling since you left is like no other. I can not describe the awful feeling knowing you are both gone. Both of you were suffering and it is selfish of me to wish you stayed for longer because I know you wouldn’t have wanted that but I wish I just said a few more things or showed you my appreciation and love more. I can’t fathom the fact I can never do the things everyone my age does with their grandparents. I can’t take you for lunch, spontaneously visit you in your home, talk to you like the adult I have become. Tell you everything that has happened. I hope you are proud. All I would ever want is to know you are proud of me. What I would do to have one more minute with each of you. I hate that I was a child when I lost you both. Not knowing what I should’ve said or done. Not understanding how much I would regret my fear and silence. Those last days I saw each of you will be engrained into my mind for the rest of my life. That night we visited you at home Nanny, I hadn’t any clue that it would’ve been the last time I would speak to you, I wish I did, I wish I could have told you everything I love and feel about you. I hope you knew. The last words you said were “I love you” and i couldn’t ask for any more. Grandad, that day I visited you, I knew you weren’t well. I knew it wasn’t long. But I was in denial that it would be the last time. I didn’t get to speak to you, you were too unwell and falling asleep. I got sent back up to grab the car keys for Dad and I said I love you and you blew me a kiss, I will cherish that forever, our last moment. I hope you both know the extent of my love and appreciation for you. I pray that you are at peace and reunited together watching over us and guiding us through these difficult years. I can feel it. I feel you both in everything I do. Not a day goes past that I don’t think of you, I miss you and I love you both eternally. We will be reunited soon. Love, always and forever.

“But I’ll stare at the stars like you told me to, waiting patiently for any sign of you.”

— stargazing// 3.04am 24.1.17