Where?

I am sad to say that usually he and I would have made up by now.. but he had texted me this morning, and I’m mad at myself for getting the slightest bit excited. But, I should have not let myself get to that point because as soon as I opened the message I saw that he was still being that ugly person that I hate. Hate is such a powerful word, and I use it here with no problem at all. This “person” that he has become is just someone that I do not know at all. I feel like this “person” has lost sight of what a relationship, what love is, and who I am. 

You know when you tell a story to someone, and you start to realize things about that story that you haven’t before, like little details here and there that make a significant difference, well, unfortunately, that happened to me today. 

I was trying to vent to my friends today, notice that I said trying. The reason I “try” to vent to them is because I am over here spilling out my whole heart and soul to them, and telling them all of these embarrassing things, and I hope to have open minds and hearts, but all I get is judgments. I guess it is my fault because I shouldn't have told them about every single time we fight, but I mean isn’t that what friends are supposed to be there for? Aren’t they supposed to accept you for who you are, and all of your flaws? But here they can’t seem to accept this one flaw, him. I want to run to them so bad because I need them, but I feel that I am bothering them with my problems. 

I told my mom that I wanted to go to a therapist, but I had a hard time explaining to her why. I didn’t want to tell her it was because of him, or because of the fact that I have hurt myself. I feel like I want to go so I can find myself again, I feel like he made me lose myself. I really don’t know who I am anymore, or what I want. 

I guess its, whats the word, inevitable that our relationship would hit a rough patch, but I guess its not inevitable that I would be treated this way. He accuses me of cheating on him, but I have been faithful, so faithful to the point where I have had to cut people off, friends that I have for years before him. But, he won’t cut anyone off for me. He has let multiple girls come in between our relationship. He has lied about talking to girls, he won’t cut off his ex that has also come between our relationship. But, I had to cut off my friend, that I have had for years. 

I had a long talk with my mom, and it was one of those talks that we didn’t know what to say to each other after. There was just so much said that we both felt that the silence was enough. I feel like my mom is one of those people that think “Oh you’re fine, just shake it off”, but when she actually thinks somethings wrong, then I know that I am no over reacting. So, after we talked, it was agreed that it would be a good idea for me to go. But, I probably won’t stop posting here, because knowing him, and knowing us, there is a lot more to come.

The Beginning

I have wanted to start a blog for a while, but I never knew where to start. So, I thought tumblr, of course. I mainly wanted to make this because I feel as if I have no on else to talk to. I am basically talking to myself on here, but I guess I am potentially talking to that one person who decides to read this, and listen to my series of events, that I feel are important enough to blog. As of right now, January 18, 2017 at 8:19 P.M. , my boyfriend of 3 years just told me that he doesn’t know if he wants to marry me.. I guess this blog will be about how my boyfriend treats me, and I guess my explanation of why I put up with it. I know that the easiest thing that people will say is “You should just leave”, but for those of you that have been fortunate, or unfortunate enough to be involved in a long relationship will know that it is easier said than done. 

But, I know that my posts will be all over the place, and talk about all different things at all different times. I hope you will be able to understand that its hard to get my ideas through to you (potential reader), and that there are so many things that have happened throughout my 3 years with this person that I guess I lost who I really was. I guess I never really thought my life through, like with him not in it. 

I mean like right now, 8:29 P.M. , he is telling me that leaving me is not a big deal, and that he loses nothing from not being with me. I mean how would that make you feel, the person you love so much can say something so mean to you, that this person that you let your walls down literally comes in and takes all of your insecurities and throws them into your face every time they want to fight. It is literally the worst feeling in the world, it hurts more than anything. 

Have you ever fought with someone so much to the point where you look at them and see how ugly they truly are. I have fought with him so much that even when we’re not fighting he doesn’t look the same as he did before. Sometimes it hurts me to look at him because it reminds me that he was once the person I loved so much, and thought was the most handsome boy in the world, but he ended up to be the ugliest person that I know. He ended up to be the one person that could destroy me. He ended up to be the one person I  revolved my world around. He ended up to be my everything, yet to him, I ended up to be nothing.