Sunflowers - rupi kaur

April 3rd: 4th day of IOP

All week I’ve been surrounding myself with sunflowers. (Okay now you’re really going to find out if you like me or not based on your own inclinations I suppose). I have this new guy in my life who keeps sending cute texts and he really likes me. We’ve gotten to know each other intimately -take that as you will- and everytime he sends me a text that makes me remotely uncomfortable down there or in here (pointing to my heart) I’ve felt compelled to send him sunflower emojis (don’t judge me I’m 22). Secondly i draw a lot. It’s a socially sexier outlet Than smoking weed as it goes, alas. I go to Pinterest (again, 22) a lot for inspiration. I prefer to copy designs but not come up with my own. Yesterday was one of my worst days -i wS withdrawing from Benzos so badly that I’ve created bruises all over my legs and hip bone areas -if you know you know, so then I was given a 2 week Rx of 1 mg Klonopin 4 Xs a day. Yay! Or as matt likes to call it, “take as needed” (eyeroll

Please wee all know why we’re here). Yay! More of the things that’s make me punch myself to excelsium. Anyhow, looking at this website I came across a picture of a girl, with short hair, whose bare torso facing Away from me was sitting in the middle of sunflower petals, as if she was the bud? Idk the correct terminology flora/fauna wise. In this picture this girl appeared to be looking into some round figure and no reflection looked back at her - assuming however this thing was a mirror. Finally comes this morning. I’m sitting at my friends house in front of a joint - I’m sorry if this is triggering - and I took two puffs,, I’m not going to lie. I was trying really hard to fight it off but I wasn’t practicing or perpetuating good behavior objectively by being where I was but anyhow I looked at Instagram (I refer you to the aforementioned fact that I am 22), and I see this short poem by one of my favorite poets. (Read now). I immediately think of my mom. You know, I’m a deeply spiritual persona and I’ve been crying for my mommy a lot, to come to me, to use my body as a conduit -I don’t care just come through. I search the universe for these little signs that all the close people to me that have passed, that they’re still out there. Because I know they are. We keep talking in AA (by accident twice now I’ve gone) about a higher power. Mine isn’t god, I’ve fervently decided.  it’s the universe and consciousness thereof -ie my ancestors. And I mean that in the traditional sense: my dead matriarchs. My mother, her mother. My dad’s mother and her mother Rebecca who I’m named after. So that’s all. 

I’m receiving a lot of verbal supported from family afar, and I haven’t been able to embody the deep love that everyone around me have so tried to give to me, but I finally feel whole a little more again...? This summer I had a dream wherein I hit rock bottom (in my dream  literally stated “oh so this is what it’s like to hit rock bottom”), and then Then I’m transported to my house wherein my father walks into my room and I’m still seething from whatever made me feel so shitty from the night before so I tell him I need more time to sleep

Close the blinds please bye and I pull the covers over my head. Then I’m suddenly transported downstairs and behind my front doors which are glowing bright bright white, my mother walks through looking like a healthy 50 year old version of Gail, my mother, and I take her shoulders and start shaking her. “Is it really you!?” I ask. In her sassy fashion she replies: “YEAH, it’s really me!?”

Worst. Date. Ever.

I’m searching for a mate. That’s real. 

I’ve reached a point in my life where I dedicate so much time to other people and listening and guiding my 200+ students through their daily trials, that I need someone to be able to go to as an outlet, friend, companion, etc etc etc. And I’m sickeningly lonely most days after existing in a classroom with only high school students.

----

Anyways, I turned to Bumble to resolve my issues. I found a beautiful man who went to the Naval academy, 30 years old, pilot and instructional coach in the airforce, 6′5 and successful.I most definitely should have questioned why he was 30 and still single, esp. in Texas where people like to get wifed in like 2 seconds but I didn’t and sooooooo that was the first mistake. 

Instead of going through the full story, I’ll share some highlights from the night and then the after story. 

Setting: at a bar with my roommate and her friends watching a football game

He comes in 40 minutes late, doesn’t offer to get me a drink - just sits down. But at this point I was kind of blown away by how hot he was that I wasn’t questioning just holding in the drool. His hotness quickly WENT FUCKING DOWN ya’ll.

Things this fucker ACTUALLY said to me: 

1) Let’s make a bet on who's gonna win the game - winner has to sleep with the loser tonight 

2) You’re so young you don’t even know where your right hand is most of the time 

3) Do you really think women should be going to medical school? 

4) I like to win things, when we’re together - I’ll probably win everything.

5) (After I said I don’t eat meat) You really don’t know how to live life the fun way, do you?

6) I was looking at colleges to play football at when you were 8.

7) It’s so weird listening to you guys talk about college, it makes me feel so old, like your dad. 

8) (After telling him all the countries I’ve lived in) I mean I’m not really interested I’ve been to more countries because I fly plans ya’know? You can’t impress me with that

9) (Looking at my roommate as her team lost the game) God, your guy’s defense sucks - does it make you feel embarrassed to watch this game *Swear ya’ll she almost threw her beer at him*

10) So... if you’re not planning to have me stay over tonight I’m probably just gonna go home then (FINE GO MOTHERFUCKER)

BUT, here’s the weird as shit part. He stayed with us for over 3 HOURS and threw multiple insults out at everyone consistently - including me. Then texted me asking for a kiss - to which I responded with sending him a pic of my gay BFF kissing me and saying I already got kissed that night (because I’m mature ik ik). Then, he calls me out for pulling that stunt, continues to text me about a football game, calls me at 2 am, tells me to have a good Sunday this AM. texts me again to see if I’m awake, then asks if he could take me out to dinner tonight. WHAT. THE .FUCK. NO wonder you’re single ya psycho. It’s always the hot ones that are crazy. God so much fucking potential though. If I wasn’t depressed enough already, psycho bizarre man over here just made it so much better. 

Oh, and he said gay people are mentally ill. My brother is gay. He told me my brother was thus mentally ill because he liked men. 

Go fuck yourself. 

- Hippie

Bad Teacher.

Sooooooo, 

I begin teaching on Monday and here s a list of things currently running through my mind. 

1. I’m a white woman teaching only minority students. Let’s leave it at that...

2. One of my classes has 40 kids in it. I have 32 desks. 

3. Both my co-physics teachers won Most Inspirational Teacher of the year last year and tbh I don’t know if I’ll be on that level 

4. What if I fuck up.... 

5. I’ve already been hit on by a majority of the football players who (I’m pretty sure) a) know I’m a teacher and b) don’t give a fuck. I was told to “deal with it” and that inappropriate comments and/or flirting is not grounds for removal from a classroom. So sexual harassment in the work place or...

6. I have a UTI 

7. My projector isn’t working 

8. Pretty sure my co-teacher is pretending to like me but isn’t really a fan (more deets on that later) 

9. There’s a category 4 hurricane 3 hours from me. Cool. 

10. I am so not ready for this. 

Xx

Hipple

I sat on his face.

Hey there!

*Friday night*

So this weekend was.... sex-filled. Met up with Barbie boy on Friday night, we then went to a gay club (because I high key believe that Ken doll is gay) where he proceeded to flirt his way to hundreds of dollars of free drinks from older gay lawyers -- WHY DOES THIS NEVER HAPPEN TO ME?! So we get pretty hammered and end up back at his place where we sober up and talk a little. I was thinking, maybe it won’t happened but really wanted it to happen, that feeling and all. Anyways, he FINALLY makes a move and things start rolling. Guys, he goes down on me for HALF AN HOUR and I came THREE TIMES. I actually could not move for 10 minutes. It was that intense. We then did what any normal people would do and started banging (hehe). The sex was also so so good, some of the best I’ve had for sure. It was so good we actually had to comment on it for a couple minutes after. Then passed out because #sexisexhausting. 

We woke up pretty early to find a random dude passed out in Barbie’s living room because he didn’t lock the fucking door #didImentionheisntthebrightest. This random dude got so drunk that he walked into the wrong apartment and passed out on the couch -- oh, and he also saw me BUTT ASS NAKED. So we kicked the weirdo out and proceeded to bang again on the counter while we made breakfast, also came a couple more times (HOW IS MY BODY DOING THIS). So at this point, I was tired and I can’t talk to him because he’s actually not smart, like his IQ may be around 100 which is pretty low if you know IQs. Sex is great but that's about it with Barbie -- he is some banging (get it) arm candy though. 

*Saturday night*

So I went home and slept for a while, worked out and took some Plan B because children scare me and I don’t wanna fuck up all my hard work #gymtanlaundryallday. We make plans for grilling that evening. He comes over with a big ass steak and booze and I needed to talk to him relatively sober for two hours. It was so hard. Definitely cemented that this guy is not a life partner -- highest he’s gonna get in my book is friend with benefits. Anyways.. after dinner, we all decide to go out and I was needing to get some sort of fucked up because I can only dumb myself down so much (why does the sex have to be so good and why does he have to be so hot but so vapid and shallow - side note: I sound so mean but its actually the truth). We go back to his place before a pregame and ~randomly~ decide to gum some MOLLY. Here’s hoping I don’t have a drug test on Monday because then I’m 100% fucked. Then go clubbing and it starts to POUR RAIN and I become a legit wet dog. I was not having it. No. Even the Molly was not helping me feel sexy in this rain. What was even worse was Barbie over here was still looking hot as fuck even soaking wet. MEH.

I make him go back to my place so we can shower. Guys, sexiest shower I have ever had. If you get the chance, do Molly and shower - wow 10/10 yelp review on that one. We jump back into bed and he finally lets me blow him (because the “I would rather go down on you then you go down on me” thing was making me feel real uncomfy for a sec because he kept eating me out and like sex guilt is a thing). So he enjoyed that and then pulls me up and makes me SIT ON HIS FACE. I have never done this and remembered it cognizanely (blackout sex in college though?!) and especially not on Molly. I also have never come so hard. Holy motherfucking shit. If this guy was intellegent and had drive I would marry him. 

So that’s it. Banged again, woke up at 1pm, cuddled a little bit. Tried again to have an intellectual convo because the sex was worth it -- it didn’t work (again) and now here I am. 

I think I’m drowning my stress in sex. I need a distraction. Barbie boy seems to be doing a pretty good job don’t you think?! 

Lol & and on that mildly concerning note, good night -- 

The Hippie

Drugs You Should Try It

DISCLAIMER: The use of drugs and alcohol were used in the writing of this post..  I apologize in advance:

Saturday, August 13th at 10:20 P.M.

I’m rolling on molly ( the irony I know ) because that’s what my night has resulted in.. Yes I do mean MDMA.  I just want to start off by clarifying that this is the farthest thing from a typical night for me. My friend and I were going to go see a DJ downtown and we ended up not going hence why now I’m rolling with me, my bad self and I. Yeah, not what I had imagined for my night either but here I am. I’m listening well I mean blasting In Cold Blood because it’s musical genius and medicine to my aching ears. YEAH I admit it’s a bit weird the whole molly thing on a random Saturday night but I think it’s the best decision I’ve made in months. Anyways!! You might be wondering how I ended up rolling alone. Totally typical: My new friend was rolling really hard and ended up bailing and went to fuck her boyfriend.. So I ended up getting stuck chilling at Persian Bae’s ( Details on Persian bae will follow in a separate post on why not to fuck your guy friends) and everyone started to leave so I was making my way to leave too and Kevin asked me to stay.. OOPS I mean Persian Bae and I left. I’M SO PROUD I didn’t hook up with him tonight…… maybe it’s because I hadn’t shaved my legs in a week or two.. BUT NONETHELESS I DID NOT DO IT. Ahhhh and what a sigh of relief that is. But damn he’s been looking good. Meh. I’m still glad I went over and caught up with everyone. It has been weird not seeing them as often. I’m so caught in between trying harder to maintain these friendships or just letting things take there natural course. I feel like at times I hold on so tight to things that are naturally supposed to change/evolve. I want to control, time, circumstances, people, emotions but you just can’t… and trust me I’ve tried… and tried.

Checking back in and I’m feeling fucking fantastic. 10/10 would recommend. 10/10 know how crazy I must sound. 10/10 I GIVE NO FUCKS!! ;) Currently blasting whatever the fuck I want on Steven’s way too expensive speaker, while laying on my plush new rug. Boyyyy does the fur feel good. So yeah the night ended in me rolling by myself at my house. BUT 1. No one is home thank fucking god 2. I really fuck with myself so why enjoy this with anyone else. 3. Wildcard by Mickey Valen highly recommend! That’s what I’m currently jamming and singing to.

Author’s Note: I read this the morning after and can’t help but laugh. I thought you guys deserved to read my raw/ on drugs journal entry as is. I hope you find as much comedic relief as I did from my cracked out journal entry. 

They truly should call me the reckless\unhinged one but the Bitch will do for now.

XX

Skinny Dipping.

I woke up at 12:30pm so even though it’s 3:50pm, good morning. 

My night was... interesting. So, I have this thing going on with a guy named “Evan” who is an actual Barbie doll in the living flesh. Like this guy is pretty -- not super manly like my normal MO but absolutely fucking beautiful but that’s where the good qualities end (except his sex skills but we’ll get to that later). So, he and I have had this weird sort of relationship and since he JUST got out of a 2-year thing with a girl he moved to Dallas for, he’s pretty emotionally unstable. Let’s just say he gets emotionally freaky -- not my cup of tea. 

Anyways, last night, against the advice of pretty much every single one of my friends (heh should I have listened to them? you decide later) I went to go see him. I went with another friend “Kayla” who is a gorgeous outgoing blonde bombshell to a bar in Dallas that reminded me of LA #nostalgia. Barbie and I hit it off, per usual because I hit it off with absolutely anyone while drunk, talking about nothing because we have nothing in common, his alcohol problem, and obsessive partying. As bad as I make him sound, you have to remember that this dude is emotionally upfront, he hides nothing so I have to give him kudos on that -- still too fucked up for me personally (the hottest ones always are).

So we decide to leave the bar and go to the apartment of the guy Kayla was flirting with (who is Barbie’s friend and maybe max 5′8). Dude also lives in a boujee place -- what the fuck and where do all these young people get all this money?! (side note) --  so then we decide to go in the pool at 3 am. This is the ONE night your girl decides not to wear a bra, so in my drunken brilliance, I steal a white t-shirt from the guy’s apartment and wear that with a thong. Suffice to say, EVERYONE commented on my tits -- the overall consensus was that piercing them is definitely the way to go in the future (lol). Back to the story, we’re in the pool and the couples pair off and Barbie and I start to hook up. Holy shit. He may not have any brains but the sexual chemistry was off the fucking wall. I wanted to jump him right then and there. Never in my life have I been a fan of dirty talk but fuck the way he talked about me made me wet. BUT, the pool was fucking freezing and so as hot and steamy as the make out was, I was ready to progress to more intense matters in drier (or wetter, depending) conditions ;). We all unanimously decide to get the eff out of Antartica and go upstairs. They go into the master bedroom and Barbie and I stay on the couch. Pretty drunk at this point and tired (4am), I was questioning if I should leave alcoholic Barbie and go home for some shut eye. T god I did not. Barbie begins to go down on me (STILL HAVE NOT SHAVED GUYS) and fuck man, I haven’t come that hard in a while. I try to go down on him and he informs me that he’s really not a fan of blowjobs but absolutely loves eating girls out. I am not complaining at this point - so round two of me loving life with Barbie’s head between my legs and I cum yet again. What can I say, he may not be the brightest but he definitely knows how to use his mouth.

We end up going back to my place around 5am and I seriously could not keep my hands off of this guy and I can’t even tell you why. There was something electric about hooking up with him. Something that reminded me of carefree college hookups and knowing that nothing will ever progress to an emotional point. It was hot for sure. Unfortunately, we didn’t end up fucking because #nocondoms and ya girl is not trying to have children anytime soon but looking back I should have just said fuck it because I can’t even IMAGINE what sex would have been like with him. 

Long story EVEN longer, we pass out around 6am and sleep till 1pm, he goes home because I have a brunch, texts me when he gets home about how wonderful the night was, and then asks to see me again. I have no fucking clue where this is going -- I am NOT emotionally available, especially for an alcoholic beautiful disaster, but I would definitely not be opposed to having him in my bed again. 

Oh, and side note, he thinks he gave me the hickey on my neck that the guy two nights ago did. Barbie was confused with himself because hickeys aren’t his thing. Whoops -- hope he never finds out they really aren’t. 

All my love and orgasms, 

The Hippie

They call me “The Lover”

Hello. I thought it would be appropriate if my first post gave you all an introduction to me: The Lover. I am a little unsure of my title and why it has been bestowed upon me, but alas, I guess we will have to figure that one out together. 

Being the lover doesn’t mean that I haven’t had my (more than) fair share of sloppy - and not so sloppy - one-night-stands, or that I am incapable of calling it quits when the situation renders itself as necessitating such (sometimes)...so again; we’ll have to figure that one out, together. It doesn’t mean that I haven’t stolen a sorority girl’s date and fucked him in the bathroom and later, again, on the top bunk of his bunk bed in a frat house (talk about squeaky-clean fun ;)), or that I haven’t slid into my RA’s DM’s and fucked him too...I am a scorpio, above all. 

I try to see people for who they really are. I try to see under the surface-level bullshit, to get in touch with the real, nitty-gritty of those around me. Don’t waste my time with small talk, I hate that shit. Most people are drawn to me because of this. I do not judge. I am not yet jaded, perhaps to a fault. I do not lack emotional intelligence however, and I like to think I’m not a pushover...but what I won’t do to get the dick?; well that’s a whole other story. We can save that for later. 

But sometimes I truly think that things will work out perfectly, that finally it’s “my time” to get what I deserve - you can see how the non-jaded part of me fits in.

After all, none of us are perfect: I have had my moments.

This summer my mother died. I was in the hospital room when it happened. I have this weird ability to stay calm when everything around me is in disarray, but this wasn’t the first time I found that out about myself (again, stories for another time). 

My father was panicking: “Oh my gosh, how is this real? How is this happening?”

“Dad, you need to breath. Breath in, breath out. Breath in, breath out. Look at me. Hold my hand...breath.”

He’d breathe in and he’d breathed out. In the background, over my voice, we could hear the team working on my mother - CPR - shouting for electrolytes, calcium, epinephrin...They were pumping away at her chest. This went on for 30 minutes, at least. 

Finally, they realized they could not do anything for her at this point, that there is nothing left to pump. The oxygen being flushed in and out of her body, in essence breathing for her, is chalked with blood.

“We have done everything we can.”

Me: “If you have done absolutely everything you can, ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING, then you may call it.”

They called it. “June 17th, 2017. 11:15 PM.”

Eventually a nurse removed all of the crap - the tubes - from her arms, her throat, and her groin. I watched as this happened. Actually I may have left the room...it’s all a little blurry. 

I look at my dad after a while of contemplating what the fuck had just transpired. “Do we call people?”

Dad: “I guess so, yeah.”

So there I started to call all of the most important people in my mother’s life. Sisters...nephews...friends. 

A particular friend of hers who she had become particularly close with (one could describe her as a best friend) within the last six years was called. I relayed the info. I was hysterical and so was she. BUT this particular friend of her’s had a son who I had dated for a year of my life, in high school. I was in love with him, and never got over him the way one should when your mothers become best friends after the breakup and all you can do for the last six years is continue to push your masochistic self to see him...well, because at the center of it all: you still love him.

A while into calling various friends of the family I got a call from my ex, her son. I didn’t answer as I was on call with another individual, so he left a voicemail.

In this voicemail, which I proceeded to listen to within the next 10 minutes, he told me he was coming home for me - mind you he is in the military learning to be a pilot - and that he loved me, not once, but twice. 

Guess who was looking forward to the funeral? 

And for some reason, they call me “The Lover.” 

Testing one, two, three, testing...

Good afternoon Queens,

I’ve recently started my new nannying job.. and I'm really enjoying it! I get paid to sleep what’s not to like?! Mildly concerned about missing out on things but I’m sure I’ll get over the FOMO soon.. The police officer that I work for has two attractive housemate’s. J and L.  ( Yes, I said P O L I C E officer. ) J is steamy, tatted and rides a motorcycle. ( Insert heart eyes ) L is sweet and a bit soft spoken. I’m about 93% L has a fat crush on me and I don’t know how I feel about that�� The obvious conflict of interest isn’t lost on me. But you know I like the complicated… I mean I L I V E for the complicated. The girl who thought the world was black and white lives in the grey. Thrives in it. ( Okay, okay maybe not thrive.) Nevertheless, I may have mentioned my slight obsession with Star Wars to L. Can you guess who was wearing a Star Wars paraphernalia shirt the very next afternoon? Oh yes, he was. Hence why now moving forward he will only be referred to as “Star Wars”. I’ve already been sternly warned by both my mother and sister that under no circumstance am I allowed to hook up with one of the roommates.. (1) They know me way too well (2) Why does that make me want to even more..? (3) They said not to hook up with one roommate but how about both..? ( Hehe I’m seriously so bad ). In conclusion, I’ve come to the realization that I find myself drowning in overly complicated “relationships” with men and I totally create them.. ( Still investigating will report back soon ) I’m sure it’s a dad thing… most things are. 

Until next time ladies, xx

 -The Bitch oops I mean Realist

Christ.

Good fucking morning,

So last night I thought it would be a GREAT idea to get belligerently drunk because high key celebrating the fact that my dad came throughout on his promises (what what for reliability). Anyways, end up meeting this guy “Johnny” who is an investment banker in Dallas and went to John’s Hopkins in the SAME frat as my dad (get out). So we drunk text my dad some frat secrets, yadda yadda yadda, I ‘apparently’ follow him to the bathroom idk but the night was blurry ya get it. Anyways, we end up going back to his PENTHOUSE and at this point I was like fuck it I’m getting laid even though I haven’t shaved in several days but who cares… So I’m sitting on his ledge which for some reason he didn’t tell me to get off of even though we were like 5 stories up and feeling myself – like legit vibing with the moon while this guy is droning on about investments lol. Finally, get to the bedroom and a number of things progressed (order probably incorrect because tgod I was relatively browning for most of this): #1 go down on him forever and start seriously questioning my skills #2 he literally rips my hair out of my head as we make out #aggressivemuch #3 we find out he has significant whisky dick (so technically I’m still bomb as giving head) and then #4 we pass out and actually cuddled (which is strange if you know me and touching). So, morning rolls around and mr. whisky dick figures 5am would be a good time to try again – he is still drunk and he still has whisky dick but also side note like he woke me up in a pretty magnificent way which I can’t really remember rn because I was like 82% in dream land as he was doing it but like idk, tangent over back to the story… So, unsuccessful attempt #2, three strikes and your girl was gonna be GONE. Around 7am we try for the third time and LOW AND BEHOLD he gets it up and we bang, pretty anticlimactic, small-ish dick, aggressive in the wrong ways – would rate a 3.4/10.

BUT, here is where it gets weird. So, I was ready to leave at 7am and while still drunk, was over him. BUT, then we get to talking and talk for TWO hours – like he ended up high key kicking me out because he had an appointment to go to (I have no shame). But, the guy is pretty cool. Sure, he’s a loaded investment banker but like also very funny and can hold a conversation impressively.

Long story longer, he takes me home, tells me he will text me later and he’s going to take me out to dinner and it all seems fine, so the sex wasn’t the best but his personality was pretty dope (and he played Lana del Rey in the car which was bonus points 5.5/10). So then I get home and decide to look him up on facebook and who is in his profile picture you ask?!?! “LOVE OF MY LIFE. I AM SO LUCKY TO HAVE YOU” with tagged girlfriend. Get the fuck out I’m done. Drops the god damn mic.

- The Hippie

Adulting is hard..

Currently binge watching WestWorld and drinking white wine like a fucking adult while simultaneouslyplanning how to sue this cunt that decided to steal $$$$ out of my pocket. Whatever, life goes on and I’m thankful for my wonderful friends and family but still.. ugh. In other news, I’m really interested to see if I end up texting Connor or not tomorrow when we go out in Dallas for my best gay friend’s 22nd. If I do, it will just be a shitshow with me in the middle of a love triangle but it’ll be fun (maybe?) - highkey could probably end up fucking them both again #newpositionsfordays. We shall see..... taking it day by day at this point.

- Hippie