ibukota melelahkan

you couldn't accept the problem, that it was you in the first place. you thought i hurt you, when it was you who did the hurting. you couldn't face the fact, you denied, you tell people what a bitch i am to left you for no reason. i know it must be easier to hate me, to blame me. i know you'd choose the easy way.

even on being corporate stuck-up asshole bitch i manage to be mediocre

this year, i'll write. i'll read a lot too, but i'll write

i'll write, to sort my thoughts, but more importantly; to speak my mind out loud. besides, you can see how silly you think when you put it on writings. or how small they seems once you put in on a sentence, make you wonder why you bother anyway. it'll be like reviewing my own cognitive biases, sounds fun until you realize how dumb you were this whole time (?)

watch me as I go and separate the ones that I am made to love and hate and slowly counting down my body weight, i'm tired i'm tired

ps; i'm falling in love with a guy from 10 years ago. probably doing a decade of wrong things only to be lead to this moment. we were close 10 years ago but not like this. never like this.

please please please, dear universe, let it be this guy.

all this pain starting to make senses; i was that dumb.

hold your horses

going down the rabbit hole

at this point i mostly getting past day by day numbly, just going through it. the voices always says "you don't have to feel suffering all the time, you know" ya i know that. suffering isn't even in my current state as per now, more like bland-numb feeling, which affect me subconsciously. i wish i could be sure to where i headed. all too blurry.

The Anthropocene Reviewed, Reviewed

To think about it, I've never make a book review. Something I should've done from long ago. Maybe, if I had made a writing about what I've read and what I've seen, I had a better chance to retain those memories. To be honest I almost forget whatever it is about the books I had read.

So, like the John's attempt do fall in love with life, this is my attempt to review. Even though for the past few months I find it hard to form a sentence.

The Anthropocene Reviewed starts from a spotify podcast John made, and after that maybe He decided to make the book out of it. Several topics has been covered in the podcast but there are additional essays you won't find outside the book.

To be honest, I didn't expect the book to be what it is after I finished it, and my opinion changes as I read. At first I thought this is a heavy read about facts on earth and environmental. Which was true since John covers a lot about that theme in the first opening essays. But on several essays later, the topic changes to random things he experienced, like his review about dr. Pepper, a hot dog eating contest, Indianapolis, viral meningitis, covid pandemic, etc. It rapidly changes from one to another, one thing doesn't change is this; all of it consist of John's experience or his opinion. So this is not just essays, but personal (emphasis on personal) essays. I myself would prefer to call it john's diary, since i feel like the book really personal to John. I can see from his personal point of view on life, on his past experiences, on his life, on his relationship to his brother, his kids, his wife. i really like it.

Reading The Anthropocene Reviewed was a fascinating and unique experience, it was funny and sad and hopeful too. It was a lot of things. But one thing, that it is hopeful. John takes us a journey how to feel what there is to feel while you live. Why you shouldn't look away from bad experiences. Why you should feel grateful to be a human being on this earth. To fall in love with life. This is the book i'll read on my darkest days, to remind myself why i have to keep being hopeful.

I have way too much quotes underlined in this book, but the winner is this; "We will build meaning wherever we go, with whatever we come across. But to me, while making meaning isn't a choice, the kind of meaning can be".

i gave this book 4.9/5

watching us fading and watching it all fall apart

SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD 2010, dir. Edgar Wright

to think about it, i never had any gap year. i have lot of gap months which if accumulated would be a year or two. but not the entire year for myself. is it a bit too late to take it now and explore?

two months every semester break x 4 = 8 months. i have gap in between jobs (between graduation to private hospital 5 months, between the hospital to elnusa petrofin 7 months). 8+5+7= 20 months in total.

think i want to take it now just for re-orientating and take a little bit of rest. the job not that demanding rn but i have my hesitation about the whole HR as a future career, and i have this hunch that if i don't stop and think now i'll get too old to start somn new~

cradle me, i'll cradle you. i'll win your heart with a woop-a-woo

am i plunging into a whole new level of self destruction? really, i keep visioning this terrible, terrible accident of me crashing into pavements or a truck and die instantly on the road.

to tell the story a little bit clearly, this is a horrific cycle of my day for the past 2 months;

i got up late (6.45 ish)

get into shower and get ready super quickly, never a breakfast

then by 7.30 i hit the road to work (i move work to RPSL which consume 30minutes just to get there therefor an hour of my day just to commute to work)

hitting the road by 7.30 is a matter of life and death, to be honest. i have to keep my speed at least 60km/h so i can make it by 8. this is how i get to vision myself to death. on my way, i listen to song on my earset, like, haha things are not worse yet with you have to go teberak tekentut to work you also have to listen to music on the way so to make it a bit more dangerous, right?. on my way, as i keep the devilish speed an my music on, all i kept thinking; am i gonna be dead this morning? do i bring BPJS TK (work insurance) in my wallet in case i get into an accident? is this my third time late to work already? is my pay going to get cut this month because i'm late? my company have this rule to cut employee's pay if you late to work four times in a month. i think getting cut on my pay is not really bad to be honest, it's a little dent, i can live with it. but it's my integrity that is challanged. as an HR (blegh), it's really unwritten and uncommon rule for you to be the r0lE mOd3l haha yea right. i'm the queen of getting late to work but this time i have to be more discipline so i look good. which lead to the last question i asked myself on that road every morning; is this worth it?

then i do my work, 8 to 5, get home.

after arrived in home, i wash my hand and do chores, i sit down and play my laptop/phone until i look up see the clock, 10 pm already, or maybe 11, even 12.

then i grab my towel, nod on walid yelling "mandi malam terus" blah blah, i took a shower, and on bed ready to sleep by 1 am. those 6 to 10 pm i spend purely and seriously on my phone or watching movie, basically flush my time i could be doing something more, down the toilet. then before i close my eyes evey night i resent myself and promise tomorrow not to let this happen again

then, i open my eyes, 6.45. shit, gotta be hurry, and that whole cycle repeats itself again.

tonight i really, really want to make promise to myself, one that i can hold, dear self, if you really want to change yourself, then fuck sake change your habit. you can't go mad max fury road every morning and then cope yourself with tiktok and gilmore girls after work. for. the. love. of. god. fuck. do. your. things. do something else rather than living in the screen looking into a make up world and fake people on that movie. it's a source of entertaiment but at this rate i think i try to escape my life and reality by not handling things i should do and live somebody else's life on movies.

dear lord help me

it's not like this with other people

I FEEL A LOT LIKE ADULT

today, for the first time in 24 years of this life of mine, i finally get a gym membership. ((a pretty low stake to call myself an adult)). i'm still pretty confused on how this would work out. i don't know how to use any gym's equipment, never run a treadmill in my life. not to mention i have to handle the judge-y eyes from filthy rich cici cici and koko koko who works out there, looking at my body and errthing. i don't have any work out outfits or any gear. i just jump at it. hell, i just want to be fit and healthy.

luckily, robby's lil sister is gonna be there to help and guide me. i think i get too comfortable too long that even a gym membership get me this excited and scared. gotta try lot of new things after this. i'm 24 and barely have time for anything, and now i'm almost do (landed a job with reds on calendar, yay!), i gotta figure out how to make the most of it. gym is the first step. my goal is to get rid of my stomach's fat and get more fit. alright, here we goooo!

p.s: can't wait to whine about having to work out ha! just wishing this 6xxk something not turn out to be a waste.