God, but life is loneliness, despite all the opiates, despite the shrill tinsel gaiety of “parties” with no purpose, despite the false grinning faces we all wear. And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter - they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long. Yes, there is joy, fulfillment, and companionship - but the loneliness of the soul in its appalling self-consciousness is horrible and overpowering.

Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath. (via bbw-8)

hello darkness my old blog its that time of year again

me: I'm going to kill myself over this small thing

some neurotypical: don't joke about suicide!!

me: I...wasn't joking...?

The whote hole

Erik Pirolt

Carnifex - Slit Wrist Savior 

therapist: is there something you're not telling me?

me (internally): it's unfortunate but there's certain information i have to withhold from you because there's a very fine line between being honest about the symptoms I'm currently experiencing and being hospitalized against my will

me: nah :)

side effects of being numb due to mental illness:

not crying for weeks and weeks on end til one day breaking down over something not actually worth getting upset for

not being able to tell if your feelings for people are platonic or romantic or if you’re just lonely 

instead of caring too much not caring at all about anything 

not being able to process anything going on in your life and when you try your brain stalling out

losing your train of thought every five seconds so when you try to have a conversation having to pause and remember what you were trying to say 

word vomiting 

mind ‘STATIC’

I hate that I feel proud for not being the one to throw up

Watching someone throw up is a bonding experience

I can liveblog my depressive episodes as much as i want, i know no one will respond to my appeals for messages to make me feel better or make any effort to comfort my declarations of self-hatred

this is beause everyone lowkey agrees with them or jsut doesn’t care enough which is fair enough i wouldnt care about me either