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tthis-side-of-paradisee · 2 years

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2021 Reflections

In 2021, I discovered Stoicism and has been committing myself to living consciously guided by the principles that govern it. I was at first surprise how majority of the "quotations" that are mentioned and used as mantras by people around me revolves in this concept. One of the few principles I liked and have been religiously trying to slowly include in my life are:

“The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate matters so that I can say clearly to myself which are externals not under my control, and which have to do with the choices I actually control. Where then do I look for good and evil? Not to uncontrollable externals, but within myself to the choices that are my own . . .” ㅡEpictetus (Discourse 2.5.4-5)

“Don’t let your imagination be crushed by life as a whole. Don’t try to picture everything bad that could possibly happen. Stick with the situation at hand.” ㅡMarcus Aurelius

I went back to reading. I have lost this habit (yes, I believe reading is a habit as well as a hobby) and made myself like reading textbooks, non-fiction and self-help books, and memoirs but there is nothing that can beat a good mystery-thriller, sci-fi, and fantasy book. Which I think made my idea that reading is both a habit and a hobby clears as the former suggest habit while the later exhibits hobby. This year I was able to finish 53 books, three more than my fifty-book goal.

I have also been journaling consistently and have recorded the entirety of 2021 bit by bit, reflecting what I can improve by always thinking why people react that way in certain situations and thinking of times when I reacted the same way. It is a long process and I am still learning but it has improved my way of connecting with people.

I learned a lot from podcasts, YouTube videos, TV shows, movies, and taking online courses about machine learning. It was my goal for 2021 to not only improve myself emotionally and mentally and connecting to my inner-self but also professionally. Though I didn't had a lot of opportunity to explore this side of me I am still thankful that I made the best out of these few opportunities.

I think I cried this year more than I did in 2020. They are not all sad tears per se some are happy tears but mostly meaningful tears which when I'm watching or listening or reading something it will just hit me and I would cry. I think it's true that as you age, you get to become more emotional and more connected with yourself.

As I am sandwiched between the years of improving and getting to know myself before leaving my early 20's to my last years before I welcome my late 20's, I want to enjoy 2022 as I always did every year. I want to become a version of me that my future self can look back and thank because I worked hard to give her a comfortable life and to inspire her to work harder.

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tthis-side-of-paradisee · 3 years

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2020, you are difficult year.

You are the year of pretending to be an adult, pretending to be in control of all the challenges coming my way. You are the embodiment of “nothing will go as planned” because you crashed all my plans for you and had me start from square one.

I welcomed you with nothing but high hopes, plans, dreams, new faces, new places, new experiences. And then you put me and the world in isolation. But you taught me that isolation was where I have always been. That this quarantine, this lockdown, is no difference from the box that I am living in. You made me realized that.

You made me embrace help, health, beauty, talents, confusion, doubts, limitations, and most of all mistakes. You showed me that nothing beautiful is achieved from rushed decisions. You gave me the time to think twice as long as I did before taking the next steps. You made me took roads that I assumed were never the right choices. You showed me the answers to the what if’s questions I have piled up at the back of my head.

You showed me how priviledged I am from the others. You taught me how not to take advantage of it and pushed me to share those priviledge to others.

You showed me wounds that I don’t even know exists. You helped me accept them instead of healing them. You showed me how to fill the emptiness in me with things and people that matters to me. You showed me how quantity will never give happiness and how quality should be above my priority list.

You reminded me of my childhood. The simplicity of how I used to view life, the importance of relationships and connections to every breathing species is more important than those which don’t breathe life. You re-introduced me to the little prince and card captor sakura.

2020, you may not be as eventful and active like 2019 but you build me as a person with feelings. You made me a human who can be vulnerable and strong all at the same time. You showed me the things that I wasn’t able to see in the past years that I’ve had. You are a difficult year, but you are also beautiful in you own way. You showed me how to breathe. And I guess, it’s the most important lesson that you had taught me. To just breathe. Slowly.

Thank you for the slow ride. Always remind me to look back at you while I venture 2021.

Words of the Year

“Because you’ve probably been depressed yourself, you’ve had days when you’ve been in terrible pain in places that don’t show up in X-rays, when you can’t find the words to explain it even to the people who love you. Deep down, in memories that we might prefer to suppress even from ourselves, a lot of us know that the difference between us and that man on thebridge is smaller than we might wish.“

“Because the terrible thing about becoming an adult is being forced to realize that absolutely nobody cares about us, we have to deal with everything ourselves now, find out how the whole world works. Work and pay bills, use dental floss and get to meetings on time, stand in line and fill out forms, come to grips with cables and put furniture together, change tires on the car and charge the phone and switch the coffee machine off and not forget to sign the kids up for swimming lessons.”

[Fredrick Backman, Anxious People]

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tthis-side-of-paradisee · 3 years

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it’s about the spontaneity of your emotions, the sudden change of mood and the pulse of the heart that makes the difference. remember to use it wisely. never let it cloud your view.

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tthis-side-of-paradisee · 4 years

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2020년 6월 10일

I have made up my mind to seriously learn the Korean Language. I have started my journey in learning last December 2019. By that time, I learned how to read and write Hangeul, which is the Korean Alphabet. This time I am more eager in learning how to construct sentences and translate them into English. I am on my 11th lesson in howtostudykorean and level 2 in TalkToMeinKorean. I am also able to memorize 235 vocabularies using Memrise. I still have a long way to go but everyday whenever I am watching Korean dramas or shows, there are words or phrases that I was able to interpret which is a huge achievement for me. My reading is still slow and sometimes takes me two-three times to understand what it means. I am also translating English to Korean in my head which I think is still normal at my level of learning. I hope that by the end of the year I will be able to read, write and speak semi-fluently in Korean.

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tthis-side-of-paradisee · 4 years

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Last year, starting from November I started this list of anything that I think resonates with me, be it a video, a podcast episode, or an article that I read in the internet, I dropped them all and write a short reflection. I call this ‘Mindset Delta’. I got this idea from Ali Abdaal from youtube when he posted about his ‘Resonance Calendar’ on Notion. I also have a list of the things I am grateful for under ‘Grateful For’ List and Movies Tracker.

It’s a great way to keep everything I do in the internet and keep tabs of good articles, etc. that I can use in the future.

You can visit my Mindset Delta here: http://bit.do/jessnotion

Here is Ali Abdaal’s Resonance Calendar: http://bit.do/alinotion

#notion

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tthis-side-of-paradisee · 4 years

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2nd day of 2020, KPOP update. Wow didn’t noticed that I am near my second anniversary as a Blink and a Reveluv. I actually thought that I have been a Moomoo and an InSomnia way longer than I am a Reveluv but nevermind. I wish I kept tabs when I became a Sone and a Ueana before.

My Major KPOP jots of 2019:

Dreamcatcher: First Philippine Con, Official Fan Kit, Dreamcatcher App, Jiyoo breathe, being bias-wrecked by Lee Siyeon

Blackpink: Coachella (watched before boards), followed their Individual Instagram accounts

Red Velvet: sealed me as an Irene & Wendy bias, followed their Individual Instagram accounts

Mamamoo: Drummer Wheein (Waaaaah!), Main Dancer Wheein, Soar Wheein, 2019 is Wheein (period), Solarsido and Colleague No. 1, Snow Byul, Gogobebe Dance Video

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tthis-side-of-paradisee · 4 years

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i hope that

in twenty-twenty

you become fluent

in self-love.

i hope that

this time next year

you know your worth

like it’s your

mother tongue.

[words by: s.r.w.]

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Please stop overthinking life like you have an answer to every feeling or situation, That’s not how life works. We figure it all out by just living, by fucking up, by missing an oppurtunity, by seeking advice and not taking it. We learn what’s important and what isn’t. Sometimes we have no fucking idea what to do and it’s scary but it’s okay, Always trust your gut and know that everything will work out exactly the way it is supposed to be. It always does. Relax, we were never in control anyway. [words by momentaryhappiness]

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An Unfinished Letter to 2019: Transitioning to 2020

2019, you are such an amazing year, I have to give you that. I have experienced so much stress and self-doubt, dreamed so much and almost give up, but achieved so much along the way. Welcoming you was exciting because it’s the year where I’m supposed to graduate, supposed to take and pass the board exam, and supposedly to officially say goodbye to university life, but welcoming you means opening my arms to struggles and frustrations.

I am a striving perfectionist. I plan everything that I have to do because I have the idea of being caught off-guard. But being me means pushing myself to reach my high standards that are sometimes achieved through being hard on myself.

I have this mindset that if people can do what I can, then I don’t like you, in a matter of speaking, it’s scary. Competitiveness runs in my blood that even when competition does not exist, I’ll create one in my head. People might find it negative, but in my opinion, it will only be [negative] if you don’t know how to use it in your advantage; this is why I prefer solitude over company.

#new year #goodbye 2019 #hello 2020 #self-love #pushing bounderies

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tthis-side-of-paradisee · 5 years

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If you ask me before college what my dream is, I’ll prolly answer you with anything related to medicine. If you ask me now, without a doubt I would still answer that I want to become a doctor. But our plans for ourselves isn’t always the same as God’s plan for us. That is the case for me (and for everyone else).

My father asked me (more like take it or don’t study at all) to take Electronics Engineering because of the “high salary and job demand” that his work superiors enjoy. I was enrolled in a University that is way out of our family’s budget bracket for the hopes of getting a “high quality education.” Not to mention that I have to wake up at 4:00am for a 7:30am class and travel early in the morning for five years.

During the course of my study, I have had a love and hate relationship with Engineering, with Mathematics to be specific. Trust me, I can get straight 90′s with other subject other than Math itself. I had a rough start and by that I mean a lines of 3.00′s and 2.00′s in my grades. It is not until I failed a subject that I learned to have a civil relationship with Engineering. After then, my life as a student became better. Long story short, with a proper study plan, self-discipline and hard work, I was able to graduate with a few 1.00′s in my transcript.

But graduating is not the end of it, I had to prep myself for the final culmination, the board exam. Studying is the easy part, but being emotionally, mentally and spiritually prepared to what the “process” will bring is the hardest part. I myself had to change my study habit to satisfy my mentality that if I spend more time studying I’ll be able to pass. That’s it, that was my goal, to pass. Luckily, I did.

My juniors kept on asking what is the secret to pass the board exam. I can easily say that it’s discipline and hard work but to be honest, it is trust. There was not a day where I would not pray at night asking the Lord for a 100% passing rate for our batch. I remember during the mass that I attended before the board exam the Priest’s homily:

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.” Matthew 7:7-11

God knows what we want, but we have to ask Him for it. I want to become a doctor, He made me an Engineer. I want sleep, He gave me rest. I want to pass the board exam, He made my parents proud. His work is nothing compared to all of ours combined. That is what it was all about, and I think that this is the greatest lesson that I have learned during the review process.

I guess this is the section where I thank everyone.

To my God and my family, you are my life support. Your presence alone is enough to give me strength. I carry you with me in everything that I do. This is for you.

To my LPU family, my COECS family, my VOYAGE family, my SEERS family, my LES and LNHS family, thank you for being my new home. Thank you for shaping me and preparing me to become the academic-competent and industry-ready tax payer that I am today. This is a cumulative effort.

To my small but physically-big circle of friends, my ECE family, my Lycean friends, my Rm. 312 sisters, my high school friends I am proud to be an addition to your “lisensyandong kaibigan” list. I hope to keep you by my side till my next journey.

To myself, you had one hell of a ride, hang in there, we have a lot more to achieve. When you encounter a slump (which you often will, I’m sure) acknowledge it, rest and continue working hard. That is what brought us to where we are. Never ever change how you do things especially those that makes you happy. I know we struggle with a lot of things but we’ll figure it out. We have a lot of people that will help us.

This is for my God, my family, and for those who didn’t make it. This license is just the icing on top, the process and the lessons we acquired are what matters. KADIMA.

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tthis-side-of-paradisee · 5 years

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“Life is a long process of getting tired.”

—

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tthis-side-of-paradisee · 5 years

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“We may encounter many defeats but we must not be defeated.”

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tthis-side-of-paradisee · 5 years

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“The biggest challenge after success is shutting up about it.”

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tthis-side-of-paradisee · 5 years

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via weheartit

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tthis-side-of-paradisee · 5 years

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190324 First Kpop Con. First Con Alone. First Con with free banners and merch. First but definitely not going to be the last. During fansign:

fansign order: Dami > Gahyeon > Yoohyeon > Minji > Siyeon > Handong > Sua

I told them “Saranghae” and “ neomu yeppeuda“ ‘cause as far as i know their not that good in english but turns out their english we’re so good.

Dami- she's so chic and even said that she saw my comments on vlive during her birthday. I was so surprised she recognized me. She said she'll try to post smth on my graduation and wrote the date on her arm. She said that she'll remember to wish me Congratulations.

Gahyeon- her beauty is so exotic. She even said, "Oh you're soon to become an engineer? Goodluck and let's see each other again! You'll be my first engineer friend!" I want to squeeze her cheeks so much!

Yoohyeon- she's so cute and such a puppy. Her english is the best among the members. I talked with her the most and told her that I ship her with JiU. She whispered that she ship herself with Jiu too. Jiu heard her name and asked YH in Korean, I didn’t understand anything haha. She said, "See you again, future engineer! Love us more" before i move.

Jiu- has the brightest and most beautiful smile and eyes that form crescents. She said that she’s happy to know that I ship her with YH (that’s probably what YH told her in Korean) and even said that YH is so clingy but she love her. I told her I'll be graduating soon and she told me to work hard and always do my best. She asked me to visit her in SK when I have time in the future. She even asked me to do a pinky promise. I’m starting to re-think of my life plans and just move to SK.

Siyeon- she's so sweet and immediately held hands with me and asked me if i already ate. She told me that I'm the first engineering student that she met and wrote the date of my graduation on her arm. She said that she'll mark it on her calendar later. I told her that I watched SKY Castle because of her and her cover is so beautiful she said thank you and kissed my hands waaaaah! (I’m never washing my hands ever)

Handong- she looked at me like it's just us in the venue. i understand why people love her so much her beauty is out of this world. I wished her HBD in chinese (my pronunciation is so bad). Her voice is so soft and her giggles are the sweetest. My uwus are scattered all over.

Sua- my love! So funny and sweet as expected. I told her that she’s my bias. She said, “You chose well, I’m [the] Queen” She bite my fingers *dies inside*. I told her to wish me luck on my exam and that I'll be an engineer soon, she said "Oh! Really? Let's meet again when you become [an engineer]. Promise? Study well, okay? Send me a message on fancafe so I'll know [when your already an engineer]. I'll wait." She's so loud all throughout.

During hi-touch:

The girls welcomed me by saying "Engineer Chingu! Remember our promise and visit us in SK." Sua and Siyeon squeezed me in between a Suayeon sandwich! I died.

I can't wait to see them again. I can’t believe I saw them up close let alone seeing myself attending a KPOP con. It was very different from the other concerts that I’ve attended before not to mention all the freebies and stuff that I received. Even the “putangina” that was audible in the whole venue as also memorable. I’m seeing them again, that’s for sure, here in the PH or in SK.

Rest well, my loves. Thank you for the greatest concert ever!

#dreamcatcher #dreamcatcherinmanila #invitation to nightmare city

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tthis-side-of-paradisee · 5 years

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I hate myself the most when i know i did my part and even other’s parts too but ended up swallowing my pride and taking responsibility to apologize for their lack of effort. Why am i like this?

Personal Entry No. 16 (190303)

#thesis #groupmates

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tthis-side-of-paradisee · 5 years

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The next year or years, Lauv will be bigger. Then The Colouring Band, The Band Camino and No Rome. Let's stan artists that produce quality music. Stand the underrated, its worth it.

Personal Entry No. 15

#best new artist

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tthis-side-of-paradisee · 5 years

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2015: i first discovered Dua Lipa, i immediately stanned and recommended to friends.

2016: a couple of people are starting to listen to her music. Our fandom grew bigger.

2017: New Rules happened and everything changed. More people started stanning.

2018: Dua became big. One of the best, actually.

2019: She won two Gramo and the talk of the town.

So proud to see how much she grew over the past years. And I am so proud of myself for finding such gems like Dua and see them become diamonds.

#dua lipa #best new artist #grammys

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tthis-side-of-paradisee · 5 years

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WHY DO YOU KEEP SPEAKING WHEN NOBODY KNOWS WHAT TO SAY and you’re just taking up space taking up space taking up space and trying too hard to be somebody people need when you should be trying harder to make yourself happy and you’re waiting for a savior but you don’t know how to save anybody either so doesn’t that make you kind of a hypocrite i mean the last person you tried to save now sleeps with a gun between his teeth and now you’re thinking you might as well sleep with a “WHO CARES” sign matted to your forehead just in case anybody wants to care for a little while and then leave but maybe you don’t care enough either i mean that’s not right, you care too much, you definitely care too much but maybe people just have trouble showing it i mean i know you do but maybe you’re still lonely and maybe it’s nobody’s fault but that doesn’t mean you’re not still lonely.

if somebody cares but nobody knows that they care, do they still care? (via achingchest)

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