April 24

So, this weekend was intense. A lot's been happening and i think im processing it all still. Got into an argument with my sister which was fun, it kind of happened at the end of our night out and we already talked it out. But the argument involved my sexuality, the person i'm talking to, and all those disagreements. Maybe that convo sparked and altered the lens in which I'm viewing this other person.

For starters, I'm seeing some red flags in the person i'm talking to. I want to look over them but I know I need to guard myself, and in order to do I need to not be quiet about the things I am feeling – which is all combumblated as always. Hopefully writing it out here can help.

So, I think the spark may be waning, or the intensity at which we were seeing each other is not as strong as it could be. I'm thinking in terms of the start. I have learned from past experiences to make myself a bit more busy, I don't want to seem like I'm all in for this random stranger. But, regardless of that, I have made myself free when he wants to hang out with his friends. I do see that he has his people, has his community of folks and all that. On friday, I went to dinner and a party. We didn't really talk 1-1 all that much other than some banter and some PDA. Which, don't get me wrong i freaking love PDA but I know he mentioned something about that not being his default. We ended up going home early because he got kicked out for god knows what from the host, I was his +1 so I went with him. We went home and you know, made out and all that, and I wanted to be a little more clear on things which he kind of evaded. I asked where are we and he said he's just

This weekend the one time I invited him to something he got too drunk and decided to just tell me that he wasn't in the right headspace to go with me to an event I had tickets for. and then from there and sunday the vibes just been off. It reminds me of the person I was talking to before, where I could feel something was off, but had convinced myself to be quiet about it and not bring it up. That ended up shooting me in the foot so i'm not trying to do that again. Which brings me to right now, i coordinated dinner for the two of us and I know I want to bring up how I'm feeling and just trying to be on the same page with this person but i'm nervous. I feel like (1) he might beat me to the punch and bring it up himself, (2) not respond or evade the question again, (3) make myself look crazy for talking about this if its not being felt by him in anyway... UGH

I guess time will tell, and i'll have another entry soon-ish :/

April 17

Its monday and my supervisor has been in Hawaii living it up, all while I'm here dying at work from boredom and just TIRED. Not gonna lie though, it's been kinda nice to pick up his tasks here and there and show these other folks in the department that i can hold my weight–not that it's been an issue.

this past weekend was chill, we came back from Paso last weekend so it was nice to not be on go-go-go mode for once. But even then my weekend was full of stuff going on.

you know that person i met, well i guess we're still seeing each other and nothing really has gone wrong yet. they've been reciprocating energies really well, and I fear that I may not be at that energy level the other person is at. For starters, he's more extroverted and kinda cool with himself in ways that I feel like I may not. I don't know if we're equally into each other.

I go back and forth on this. Not too rush anything and shoot yourself in the foot and then on the other hand not hold back too much and be okay with vulnerability. we saw each other twice in one weekend. which is great, but last time i was seeing someone like that back to back it ended up with me getting hurt

I haven't been obsessed texting him and reading too much into anything until lately and i don't want to fall into that pattern again. so i need to remind myself that everything isn't as serious as I play it out to be in my head. take a breather jordan and just keep doing ya' thing and everything will play out how its supposed to. Its NOT a race.

i have a meeting in three minutes for this DEI thing. Didn't do the readings but oh well who cares.

see ya' later J

April 1

Hey, its april fools! I'm currently in Boston for the work conference I as able to go to from work.

Last night I went out with our coworkers. It was fun! We went to this brewery when we first got to boston. After, we took a break and I grabbed some things from Target. But after that we went to this cool cocktail bar called Roxanes and then a karaoke bar and somehow got in free to a downtown club.

Ummmm.... I'm kind of talking to this person. Long story, because I literally wasn't looking for anything. But, hmmm, sometimes the universe responds to energies? I think I enjoy being around this person. It almost feels like I'm approaching this in a different fashion, more commanding of myself. More comfortable with myself? Again, they are so different than me. I'm also not trying to lovebomb or go intense and then die out... I'm a bit scared to fuck this one up. Because, at this rate, soemthing always goes awry.

Perhaps I'll have more updates soon..

Mar 28

Went to my counseling session today and wow i'm feeling a bit more eye opened about things. I went in talking about boundaries, communication styles, attachment styles

During our conversation, we talked about my middle school self, and how I feel so protective about him. Or, the first question is how I felt about him. And, i felt like I am becoming someone who could step in and vouch for them. That version of myself that was always bullied, that was so insecure about their appearance, who kept being made fun of and who let themselves be walked over. I love that version of me, I wish I could smack them and shake them into action, but I know they would be in disbelief of who I have become.

We also talked about how my college years was a time where I tried to bottle that up and become someone different, I still wasn't accepting myself fully. I felt like I was lying to everyone and everything. My pre-2020 self.... was the way she put it. Who was that person, and I feel so distant from that version of me. 2018-2020 version of me was so messy, still clinging to reach other people's expectations. Trying to be liked, forgetting about the people who really did care about me and diving into school and closing myself off completely.

I'm still learning how to set boundaries but a way the counselor made it is that when I meet new people (romantic or not) I should think about this: would I let this person walk all over a younger version of myself. If the answer is no, which it should always be, then why are you allowing it? It hurts to even think about my yonuger self being the one taking the hearbreak or the beating for the actions I do now. But, I am in many ways that younger self, I'm no longer scared to be flamboyant to bee bubbly, to be extroverted and sassy. I can step and be there for them now and I'm healing parts of myself for reclaiming who I am now.

Taking my middle and college parts of myself together, I can see why meeting new people can be exciting for me. I've worked 20+ years to be this confident person. This stranger takes me in, sees me for who I am and have become, and accepts me. That acceptance, that approval from them, makes my yonuger self who was never chosen or put first excited and I want to keep that approval going in deeper. It's the reason why I go for older folks, or more assertive people, because those older and confident people always put me down. When I can get one of those "types" (jock/rude/ultra-masculine) it's almost like I'm making up for all the times where I was ridiculed by those people. But, then I let them come in and walk over my boundaries and I feel dumb because in looking up to them so much and giving myself too easily i fall into a part of a vicious cycle again–of putting more energy into the people i seek approval from rather than investing time and care into the people who already love me for who I am.

I realize that I get defensive with my best friend and close folks when it comes to matters of my relationships. Because I already know about these behavioral patterns. When people judge me for my actions, I feel like they don't understand all the turmoil i've had to go through. Or, when people call me out for not being serious or too playful, they don't understand all the pain I had to go through to lose that part of myself, and almost lose it for good, and to barely reclaim it now. It's almost disregarding. It feels like an attack to who I was when I was little, hearing it almost in the same way. I am in many ways embraceful of the kid-like energy, I'm not ashamed of it, so when people say things that make me feel dumb for being so it just drives me to get triggered.

by Leandro Furini

Mon March 13 | 3:43

Well, that was fun. I was talking to this person I liked a lot and thought was going somewhere. When I continue to think about it, I still think it could've been something wonderful, but for the other person it wasn't worth pursuing. At least the person was straight up with me (not fully though because they were feeling like that already for sometime)

I'm just kinda boggled a bit, because I was trying to be nice and respectful and take things slow-ish. I did what I thought I would want, basically treating someone the way I wish I would have wanted to be. The thing that stung the most is how non-chalant it was for them, while over here I was planning other dates in my brain and willing to work it out. I won't lie, i felt something was off, and I was trying to figure out if I did something wrong. And, according to them, I did. I was too nice, I was too playful, he wanted someone more commanding, more serious, more "sure of themselves". Which pulls at a chord.

I told my sister, I still care about this person, I still think they are a great and awesome human being and it sucks I won't be able to be there with them. But, its kinda glorifying and investing so much emotional energy into someone who was already one foot out for a couple dates before this convo to begin with. I had to swallow that pill, still kinda am as I'm writing this, but it sucks. I want to pout, and say woe is me and use this as an excuse to just wallow in self pity but i need to choose the opposite. I can use this experience as a crutch or as a rung in the ladder. Thank you, next.

I'm in between different responses, should I modulate myself or should I lean deeper into coming to understand my personality and let that shit shine. I feel like I am extroverted, I'm naturally playful, I laugh a lot, I'm a bit quirky and use awkward energy to keep conversations flowing. But, it seems that not everyone likes that. I guess also I'm more feminine than I wanted to accept, which is something else I should be breaking down. I shouldn't shy away from femininity, try so desperately to be "masc" or however the hell you want to call it. I'm me, I am the most permanent thing in my entire life, I have this and that's it. He'll move on, already has most likely, and I shouldn't stay waiting for them to think about coming back or just stall my life.

Love Letter by Odesza is hitting now. I won't let my heart be broken, I need to learn to set boundaries as much as it hurts me. As much as I want to dive right in and be me, not everyone deserves that me. Not everyone deserves my intimacy, not everyone deserves to understand and be a witness to my personality. You need to earn that, you should be willing to see it grow and unfold naturally. I am Jordán before, I will be Jordán after, I am not missing anyone, I am filing myself up and I hope the people that come are filled already. I want to meet people who can coexist, who won't project, who are willing to ride the lows and highs, who can see past the honeymoon phase and be willing to work it out when the initial sparks dull a little bit and find new ways to make them come back.

Is this growth? Only time will tell. And if time doesn't I will fucking make sure I will. I am the author of my own story, I am not a side character, I will not be sidelined. My story is far from over, and i will learn to move past this as much as I feel as i'm in a cycle, I will break that cycle soon enough.

Here's to better times ahead,

-J

March 10, 2023 (10am)

Well, it has been a while since i've wrote on here. I'm wearing this interesting express polo, i painted my nails, wearing my favorite zara pants. I'm just owning whatever look i'm going for. Painting the nails has been a new thing (shoutout to Dom to showing how its done on Perfect Match haha)

Let's see what's new? I recently accepted a doctoral program at Santa Clara University. It's exciting but i'm also apprehensive about it. Things which meant so much to me, which had a grip are no longer as important in my life. I just want to have a good time nowadays and want to avoid things that are not fun for me. Is that a trauma response? Idk

I think I talked about this in the last entry, but this whole year has been a whirlwind. I've been exploring myself and I don't think I got anywhere new. I've been giving my all to relationships and they end up just crumbling before me in the midst of me catching some semblance of emotion. And then all the arguments i've been having, its been draining. I'm realizing my communication style, how I present myself to others, how I react to situations. It's all kind of eye-opening. I didn't know I was an emotional guy, I was scared to fall into that category, but turns out I wear my heart on my sleeve and can't hide how i feel for the most part. I try to be this open book, play off everything, and play the goof (well I kinda am though its not just pretend), but everything in my life feels serious, I take things so personally. I try to act like IDGAF but i think I actually GAF about everything. And that's where I shoot myself in the foot, I get explosive, I get tempermental. I overanalyze things when in the grand scheme of it all, its not that serious. BLEH this is a run on or a vent but that's just how I feel I guess.

And then I met this new guy, and I'm trying to play it cool, be normal. In other words, I don't want to fuck it up. But I have this anxiety with people where I feel like they're ready to drop me but do so carefully or subtly because of how fragile I am. Which is something that i've come to terms recently, i'm not as independent or as strong-willed as I thought I was. Maybe, i've become okay with showing myself as I am. I've accepted that I don't have all the answers, that i'm not the strongest/smartest/coolest person in the room. But, I suppose that's besides the point. He's calm and collected, I can't read him, he makes me see my fallbacks/drawbacks. He's stoic when i'm melodramatic, he's ambitious and practical when I kind of go where the wind blows. I feel awkward around him, when he seems so at ease. I can't be witty as I usually am, and it's because I regard him so highly. And that's another problem I can't give so many people that much power of my life. I need to realize that I am a catch, I am interesteing to people, I'm not just this aloof dude but I have things I am also pursuing. Boundaries, mental ones I suppose, I need to keep him at a distance to understand that hes just one of many people I will meet or something along those lines

Geeze, I just don't know if I feel too strongly about stuff.

November 7th, 2022 (1:18PM)

I am typing this while I am working at Stanford as a Student Services Specialist. Life has changed a lot since I last updated this. I'm not in the best of moods right now, but I figured that typing might help.

I've been saying it now and then, but I do think that I am ready for a relationship or something more serious. I've been going on so many dates and it's been fun and all, but it's also very draining. Meeting new people is exciting but then the rush of forging a new connection kind of dies over time and it makes you think why you were so excited about the whole ordeal to begin with.

It might also have to do with the fact that I am coming to terms with an inconsistency. I like folks who are way older than me, which if i'm being honest, doesn't bother me. But, I know how it would bother everyone else. There's just something that feels more legit about someone who is emotionally available and has a maturity about them.

And then there's the other thing – the people I tend to like are either not ready for something serious, starting things with someone else. It's like right place wrong time. The people I actually like, it's as if the universe steps in to thwart anything from sticking. Anywho, I have a cool new-ish job and its been going great if i'm being honest. I've been focusing on me alot but I wonder if it's been to get to a "dateable" category, I feel myself checking off all these boxes but not feeling any different. Eh, I don't know.

June 28th, 2022 (3:20PM)

I feel like i'm floating through this week, well ever since I graduated really. Like i've been working towards this goal and its here and im like wow, and now the rest of my life which due to poor planning on my part is unfolding and I don't know what to expect.

Over the weekend i got super sick which only happens every so often but in that sickness where I was literally sweating through my bedsheets in my bedroom I decided to read HeartStopper and wow. Did this rekindle my romance that I had last year starting around September. I guess, from all the things I don't know, I can be sure that I am for sure bisexual. My biggest question when I see people of the same gender is: "do I want to be with them, or do I want to be them" i think that's just a very funny question I have passing through my brain all the time

The one thing that's making me nervous is my PHD program and whether or not I am going to end up going. Its about to be July and im like oh gee, i need a job or I need to pack up my things and leave. I want to stay, but part of me wants to go and see what can happen. Argh. What do i do? :(

I guess only time will tell....

June 15th, 2022 (1:55PM)

Wow, how has the time flied! I was briefly looking at my last entry and remembering San Diego. Right now I'm listening to some EDM/House. Currently, my go-to artist for some introspection has been lane8.

Where can I begin? Well, shortly after the last entry, I met someone who catapulted me into acceptance. Like, wow. His name was Tristan and he was... i don't know what he was. But he was there when I needed someone, something. However, all of that suddenly stopped on NYE. He ended things with me over text. very cryptic though because the last thing I ever heard was "I wish I could kiss you and say I love you in person". That really launched me into some form of depression. I had never been in a relationship, let alone be intimate with a man and he did that all for me and more.

Also, a lot of people know I am Bisexual now. Which is awesome. My sister kind of new on the DL but I don't know that breakup made me just embrace that part of myself. My best friend knows, my sister knows, so many people know and they don't care. they acknowledge it, but it doesn't alter how they talk to me.

I've also been on this app called meetup. I started it kind of in October and it was a wild ride. meeting people, I came across a lot of new connections. there was this person called Erin. We were close but then it crashed and burn and me and my friends got kicked out. We hit a hiatus for a while, but then my sis and I decided to make our own meetup. And now we're here with our own group with 600+ people. I've met new people and made new experiences. I met this person called Sandra who has become a really really good friend. Kind of awkward because we made out twice. but i think we've settled that romantic tension

And now here I am, about to go to Long Beach. I leave on Friday morning and I am very excited!

Tues September 7th 2021 (7:55am)

Currently writing in an Airbnb in San Diego in the Ocean Beach district. This home is cute. There's a fish statue on the fridge and on the dining room table behind me is the coffee station. and in front of me is a an abstract surfing artwork that is red, yellow, and orange, with black shadows. Outside, it's cloudy but humid – definitely beach morning vibes. I woke up slightly early to get some work done. Decided not to do a workout, because my body wasn't feeling it. Mentally, though, my mind is already making me feel guilty for skipping a workout. Still not at the point of my intuitive eating journey where I can dislodge the need to make up for what I eat... we'll see if we ever get to that place. I am on vacation and it's been pretty fun so far, it's been great to see different neighborhoods and districts. Like any trip though: so much walking! It's so interesting to be out and about in the middle of Covid. Last night we were walking back from this pizza place in Ocean Beach called Pizza Port (the pizza was not so good, but it got the job done!). We were slightly buzzed and as we were walking back some random homeless person was belligerent and spraying their beer everywhere. I had lost my mask at that point and was like oh no but they had dispensed of their beer before they got to us. On our way back it was super dark and it was lowkey creepy as I told my good ol' being robbed at gunpoint story. We came back home and watched that Cecil Netflix Docu-Series. on the couch (definitely creepy vibes with that show). Heat Waves by Glass Animals is definitely the anthem out here, listening it just enough times to let it bleed into my memories of the place down here. This trip has felt very nice, I feel like i've rekindled my friendship with Jessica and forged a new one with Genaro. Luis, on the other hand, it's been kinda passive-aggressive with him. I feel like I can't talk directly to him, idk though. I guess the last thing I want to write on here is that my sexual energy feels stronger than ever, and my resistance is slowly chipping away. I guess that happens when you need to repress the past 22 years of your life. It doesn't help that everyone here in SD is good-looking. I wish I could just be myself without the fear of judgement–not anyone here on this trip to be honest, more the closest people in my life. I think a lot of my frustration stems from that. There's a lot more I can say but I can't put into words. The older I get the more I want to just let loose... didn't mean to end this entry on such a sad note lol. Hmmm, we're going kayaking today so that will be fun!

July 30th, 2021 [10:24 AM]

It's been a long while since I've written on here. Life has been a bit busy, but there's always been a chance to write. It's more that I haven't feel the need to do so. I'm still working and balancing that with my education (fun stuff). I've started doordashing on the side too which is a fun side hustle but it can get kind of tiring driving around and giving people their orders. Who'd thought that after graduating, I'd still be be scrapping it up? That's the reality of living in the bay area and having a job that doesn't pay all that well.

In recent weeks, I've taken initiative on looking at my health and putting my needs first. I am talking to a dietician (health coach) and a therapist as well as getting my teeth checked and connecting with a physician. All fun adulting things. I've even started investing in stocks and opening a roth ira in terms of my future. In this respect it seems like i'm checking in on all areas of my life. In regards to my health coach: in the past weeks, I've started intuitive eating. I think it's been making me frustrated because the premise is to enjoy all foods and to think deeply as to what my body is desiring and needing. It goes against hating my body and disciplining it, but having compassion for it. Its Friday, and I'll probably go doordashing as it's about to be the lunch rush. I feel kind of nonchalant about a lot of things. However, the things I do care about are kind of out of my control or need to be taken slowly: by body image and career development.