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trouseyfromthelou · 4 years

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"I've got a lot to talk about..."

Well well well. Here we are again.

A quick glance through these posts shows mostly tales of my ex, frustrations with faith, and nervous breakdowns in word form.

I would call this a fresh start but it would be lying to say these won't be at least tangentially related to previous entries. My therapist suggested getting my thoughts down in some form, and said maybe it would help me deal with past trauma.

So let's start with a recap of 2019.

I came up well short of grad school, went 2-15 on applications and the only ones I was accepted to were in Hawaii and after a good deal of calculation and thought I just could t make them work.

I had a nervous breakdown from stress and left my job at WashU.

I spent most of my 4 unemployed months withdrawing from everyone and everything, becoming irritable and argumentative with family, and spiraling into a deep depression.

I poured what was left of me into a 1 month relationship that went nowhere bc it's been though I tracked as a long term bf, it wasn't long enough for her liking.

As a result of that, my anxiety peaked, depression spiked, my PTSD returned, and my thoughts turned genuinely suicidal for the first time in my life. It was bad.

I got a job at CVS working in the pharmacy.

With the help of my distraught and worried mother, I finally sought help, and since that day in September I've seen my therapist twice and Im seeing the psychiatrist in 2 weeks.

I decided definitively that I want to go to seminary school and get my master's in divinity to become a pastor. I don't know if it's a good idea, but I honestly believe it's what God wants me to do.

That being said, the doubt, confusion, and anxiety have been a lot lately and I worry I'm losing support for this venture, though it's probably just in my head.

So that's about it. That's where I sit now. A steady job, decently recovered family life, and a small glimmer of hope for the future.

So here's where the real "journaling" comes in. I'm gonna try to be as diligent as I can in this, trying to document anything that triggers any of my conditions in hopes that getting it out with help.

So first things first.

My grandma spent two days in the hospital over Thanksgiving with a potential heart attack. She's fine now, but combined with the stressful holiday week in the pharmacy and PTSD dreams I spiraled again this past weekend.

I'm fine now but I'm not going to admit that it wasn't a big deal.

And on that note, that PTSD thing.

I think it's based in 3 things: abandonment, unresolved tension, and the love that's still in my heart. I won't hide that I still have a great deal of love for you. I'm not saying it's romantic, and I'm NOT saying you could just waltz back into my life and everything would be cool. I just wish you'd stay out of my dreams. Sleep is sometimes my best escape. A coping mechanism. And you fuck that up hardcore.

Like, for fucks sake Miranda, get out of my head.

(i know it's not you actively, but it's very much still you in my mind's eye)

Last night it was a cagey workplace romance at like a Walmart or some other store. Then it became me saving you from some convoluted assassination plot. Then it was just us talking as we drove through the most beautiful fall countryside.

It haunts me. I wake up all sweaty and on high alert. And I just know my day is an uphill battle from that point on.

I'm trying to move on. I am. I'm not just saying that to save my fucking image. I haven't tried to do something with this determination ever in my life. And just when I think it's finally over, there you are in my dreams again.

I've sent a text here and there over the past two years since we last spoke. A happy holiday here and there and a "I bailed on grad school" text just so you'd know my path.

And y it's always the same, no response. Honestly if you'd changed your number that would be the best outcome, but I doubt that. You play indifference bc at the core you were never willing to close that door. Even during our days at Washu working two floors apart. When it mattered the most, you found me and rekindled our friendship until you got what you needed. I should feel more used by that but I don't.

I've always had a blind spot for you. Maybe bc of what we went through together, but also bc at my core those feelings haven't changed. Haven't wavered. Haven't faded. I feel crazy admitting that, but given how my year went crazy would be an upgrade.

So yeah, you invade my dreams. It haunts me. I dream of hearing from you. Nothing fancy, just a text here and there. But it's all hopeless. Whispers into the ether. You're living the life you've always wanted in Seattle and I'm truly glad for that. I just wish you didn't have to kill our friendship to do it.

As with all my previous posts, I'm gonna keep the sign off consistent.

Until next time.

.trousdale.

"Make no mistake, the winds have changed And I'll be catching the resulting tidal waves On an empty slate to the landlocked states."

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trouseyfromthelou · 5 years

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Is this me now?

Sometimes I wonder if this is what God truly wants for me: to struggle with depression, anxiety, and loneliness. To spend weekends unable to get myself out of bed, my mind focusing on everything that makes me feel inferior or broken. To fail to motivate myself to even go to the church full of people who care deeply about me.

I don't honestly believe this is what He wants for me, but I don't think it's going to change anytime soon. I don't think all those friends I love that have drifted away or moved on from caring about me will ever come back.

I have 3 constants: work, my family, and a few very close friends. That's it. Everything else is always in flux. Always changing. And to some degree I HATE that. I miss my family old college friends. I miss my old fraternity brothers. I miss my old roommates. All of which have carved out lives for themselves. Lives that don't include me for myriad reasons.

But maybe that's how this was always supposed to be. I don't know.

And here in a couple months I'll know if my life is due for another major shift of not. Part of me wants to do as far away from here as I can for Grad school. Get a fresh start. Disappear from the lives of those who always took my presence and my generosity of friendship for granted. And that sounds great, except that I'd be leaving my family, and that thought, especially the thought of missing my niece/nephew grow up, just kills me. It cuts me to the core. I never want to miss that. I never want to be far away if by some miracle I myself ever have kids. Which I honestly doubt will ever happen.

But what if I'm not good enough to get in here in town? What if I just don't measure up?

Then running away sounds appealing. And yet I vowed I'd never run away from my problems.

I just don't know how to feel, and that reality is haunting. Just one more reason I wonder what God actually wants for me. Maybe it is to live in loneliness my whole life. It's certainly allowed me to refine and preserve exactly what I do believe in and stand for.

I guess it's just not for me to know right now.

.trousdale.

"More than this I wish you could've seen my face

In backseat staring out the window."

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trouseyfromthelou · 6 years

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I still see your ghost

So now we're on the same page. You insisted it last night, and so I believe you.

Good.

What happens now?

You said you hadn't written the ending yet, hadn't quite decided if you were for or against it.

You also said the awkwardness that would come between us was inevitable. That it was going to happen eventually.

So, what happens now?

"Long talks with the dial tone

Everywhere I go in the shadows, I see your ghost."

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trouseyfromthelou · 7 years

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The Devil went down to the river...

Its been well over a year since ive written anything on here, and even more poetically its been longer still that a post dealt not with my faith, my ex, or music. Well today, this deals with all of those. And none of them.

Our world has taken not the dark turn we all were warned of, but a more dangerous turn towards sensationalism, anti-intellectualism, and culture that defines itself by its fears first and foremost. Its disgusting and completely appropriate of the grave ignorance and hubris shown by the country as a whole.

If you cant tell by the title, which, frankly, is almost always a song lyric, ive come under the spell of The Dear Hunter. And my three greatest loves in music are progressivism, conceptual writing, and sound versatility. All three ive seen in depth in the few albums ive so far dove into. (As an aside, i try to spread out my discovery of new music. Take in 7 or 8 new albums from various artists and see what sticks most in my head, then proceed as my ears see fit.)

Anyway, my brain likes to ponder the deeper questions in life and society usually under the guiding tempo of music. And its that very mechanism that brings me to write again, Well, to write here again. Its funny. Looking back, my girlfriend at the time, Miranda, suggested i start this blog as a way to clear my head. To grapple with the ups and downs on my psyche. What i suspect was the early indications that as an adult emotions were destined to get the best of me, and the least i could do was out word to virtual page. To fight the sadness and frustration by getting it all out of my system.

(In turn, the blog ended up mostly being about our breakup, yo yo years post split, and my rebirth as a christian. And yet now i feel a 3rd use coming about in my mind. Time will tell i guess.)

Ive always struggled with finishing books. Reading doesnt sit well with the part of my brain that decides whether to stay awake or not. Regardless, im in the middle of reading two “books” currently and despite my inconsistency i greatly enjoy both of them. I say “Books” because one is a comic book. Preacher, to be exact. Im about halfway through the entire series. Its dark, twisted, vulgar, graphic, and i love it.

On the complete opposite end of the spectrum, the second book is “The Problem of Pain” by CS Lewis. A practical, Lewis-esque study of the theology behind pain, faith, and the godly experience of man. I started reading Lewis because he was such a large influence on Dustin Kensrue of Thrice, whom is both a lyrical and spiritual “idol” of mine, in as un-ironic a way as possible> Obviously i dont need reminding of the concept of idols as discussed in the bible. But i cant find a better word that i prefer, so idol it is. I wanted to dive into the mind of the man that so greatly impacted the man whose music and lyrics so greatly influence and define my personal theology. Which, admittedly sounds a tad blasphemous, but if need be i can give my long-winded explanation of the idea that god speaks through what we refer to as modern “art.” Still, a technicality i dont fully understand. Oh well.

I bring up the books im reading, and the music im listening to not as a qualifier of a “cultured” life but instead as a gateway to the way im processing and reflecting on the current state of things in the many worlds in which i exist. (personal, workplace, scientific community, political, friend-circles, etc)

My personal strategy is to keep up with the circus, all while full-heartedly leaning on my faith, my passion for my career, my love for friends and family, and my musical meditation. You cannot live in this stuff all the time, or you’ll look in the mirror one day and wont like what you see. Those i know who live and breath our political landscape at times seem soo jaded, soo fed-up and yet soo hopeless. It cant be good you the mind and heart.

Ultimately i have no “one tip to rule them all.” No gold-plated, double-insured advice for how to deal with things. Hell i may change my own strategy in time, as i grow both in political belief but as a person.

In addition, and i should probably have cleared this up earlier, but i cant guarantee these thoughts will at all seem connected. Im just riffing the thoughts out of my mind as they develop. And im a classic case of jumping from tangent to tangent for hours.

The bottom line goal was just to get the thoughts out. Put words on the page lest they bounce around my brain long enough to put me in an asylum. And i sincerely hope that if anyone actually reads this, the least they get out of it is the reassurance that their feelings are real and true, and that im just as fond of being the ears to hear as i am the mouth to speak. Youre not alone. Were all in this together. Aaron Eckhart’s Harvey Dent once said, The night is darkest just before the dawn. That and You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain. Neither of those really make sense in this posts context, but the sure as hell make his practically shoehorned in second Dark Knight villain seem very profound. That is before he started killing people based on coin flips. What a weird archetype.

.trousdale.

“Do the heavens ever spare the crop when the winter falls? Could we really hide if the reaper calls?

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trouseyfromthelou · 8 years

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My worst pains are words I cannot say

I’ve been thinking about fear a lot lately.

Specifically our greatest fears and how through relationship with Christ we are to stare down our greatest fears and not even flinch. To stand in our faith and defeat these fears with the strength of God who stands with us.

Well, I don’t know that I’ve even come close to doing that.

I feel like I’ve never been stronger in faith. Even in what I perceived as the darkest time in my life, I didn’t reply on God the way I do now.

And yet, I still haven’t defeated my greatest fears. And I don’t mean like spiders or heights.

My two greatest fears are being alone for the rest of my life, and to be the person no one wants around, but they’re nice to him out of guilt or pity.

And I don’t see a way that I’ll ever defeat those.. These deep seeded insecurities that I have no idea where came from. No genesis to unwind. No origin to defy.

I guess that’s just how God works sometimes. I don’t see a way, but I’m 100% sure he does.

I just hope I’m up to the task when he comes knocking on my door to enter that arena with me. The battle against my greatest fears.

All I can do is hope and pray that I’ll be ready. That I’ll be strong enough. That I’ll get through this fight. And in the end I know I won’t be. Because I can’t do this on my own. I need Him. His strength, his courage, his bravery, his wisdom.

I think that’s the point. That I can’t do it alone. That with God the seemingly impossible is a piece of cake.

My faith tells me that’s the case.

So I’m gonna stick with that. Grind it out. Push back against the world that tells me I’m wrong.

Here’s hoping I see the other side.

.trousdale.

“I try to take control of my heart I had something better But I’ll tear it down and I’ll tape it up By my own design I fall”

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trouseyfromthelou · 8 years

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My worst pains are words I cannot say

I've been thinking about fear a lot lately. Specifically our greatest fears and how through relationship with Christ we are to stare down our greatest fears and not even flinch. To stand in our faith and defeat these fears with the strength of God who stands with us. Well, I don't know that I've even come close to doing that. I feel like I've never been stronger in faith. Even in what I perceived as the darkest time in my life, I didn't reply on God the way I do now. And yet, I still haven't defeated my greatest fears. And I don't mean like spiders or heights. My two greatest fears are being alone for the rest of my life, and to be the person no one wants around, but they're nice to him out of guilt or pity. And I don't see a way that I'll ever defeat those.. These deep seeded insecurities that I have no idea where came from. No genesis to unwind. No origin to defy. I guess that's just how God works sometimes. I don't see a way, but I'm 100% sure he does. I just hope I'm up to the task when he comes knocking on my door to enter that arena with me. The battle against my greatest fears. All I can do is hope and pray that I'll be ready. That I'll be strong enough. That I'll get through this fight. And in the end I know I won't be. Because I can't do this on my own. I need Him. His strength, his courage, his bravery, his wisdom. I think that's the point. That I can't do it alone. That with God the seemingly impossible is a piece of cake. My faith tells me that's the case. So I'm gonna stick with that. Grind it out. Push back against the world that tells me I'm wrong. Here's hoping I see the other side. .trousdale. "I try to take control of my heart I had something better But I'll tear it down and I'll tape it up By my own design I fall"

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trouseyfromthelou · 8 years

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Music For Your Earholes

I started working on this intending it to be a collection of in my opinion the best albums of 2015, or those that i loved/spun the most.

But........ since im cheap when it comes to music, the large majority of artists 2015 albums i intended to review i dont actually have yet. Oops.

So im just gonna list the top 5 albums that shaped my 2015. Lyrically, musically, emotionally, spiritually. And some honorable mentions.

Ill try to keep them as recent as possible, but i have a habit of only falling for an album after ive had it for a few years, or its been out for a few years and i finally get around to it. Anyway, here we go. (for the record: band - album year)

1. Choke Up - Black Coffee, Bad Habits 2015

How i came across this album escapes me. I think it was a link to a punk website that someone from Gatsbys American Dream rewteeted. Either way, i gambled and clicked it, watching the party atmosphere video for “Woke Up Drunk,” and i was immediately hooked. I have a soft spot for a good punk band, and these dudes are tight. Intriguing lyrics and simple yet powerful sound pushes this album to #1. And just when youve gotten down with the punk, they throw in a great acoustic tearjerker or two. Brilliant.

2. The Money Pit - The Money Pit 2015

Whats that? Nic Newsham and Bobby Darling of Gatsbys American Dream (my #1 favorite band of all time) are making new music together? Sign me the eff up! The first song released, “Control Everything,” just oozed of Gatsbys goodness. Bobbys music writing had always been a bit off center, but in a way that pulls you right in from the first note. Quirky and smooth guitar, nontraditional song structure and one hell of a catchy riff make for some real good sh!t. Add in deep, thought-provoking lyrics with themes like the simplicity of life in Hawaii, the pursuit of money and greed, and sweet sweet Wheel of Fortune references coupled with Nic’s gorgeous and harp vocals make for an outstanding album that can be danced to and enjoyed whether you acknowledge the deeper meanings or not.

3. The Devil Wears Prada - Space EP 2015

Anyone who really knows me may know that im a sucker for a concept album. I love love love interconnected songs and the idea of an album being one concise ideology (see favorite band, mentioned above.lol.). This being a sort of sequel to the massively successful Zombie EP of 2010, i had to have it.

Now yes, I was sadly devastated when lead guitarist and writer Chris Rubey left the band in early 2015, and i will admit this doesnt quite have those killer riffs he was soo good at. But what it lacks in riff-age it more than makes up for with story depth. The first track, “Planet A,” tells the story of an astronaut named Elizabeth that dedicates her life to the stars, only to be the sole survivor of an exploratory shuttle explosion at warp-speed. From there themes such as Aliens, The death of a star, Moons worship, and Earth’s impending destruction via asteroid are explored in glorious melodic metalcore sound. I may have only had this album for maybe a month, but its just that good.

4. August Burns Red - Rescue & Restore 2013

I have know who ABR were going back to my friend Crittenden in high school circa 2006, but stayed away until in 2014 my friend Daniel convinced me to give them a try. Great advice. While admittedly there are songs i avoid because they are incredibly inspiring but sad (Beauty In Tragedy), overall i really enjoy this album. “Spirit Breaker” has been absolutely life-giving to me at times, especially last winter in grad school, and the title track, which is mostly instrumental, carries such a brilliant depth of sound. Echoes also has one of my favorite tapping sequences of all time. My favorite lyrics are in “Fault Line,”

Whisper your grief Scream your sorrow Proclaim your love Just don't call me your hero.

Basically, i adore JB’s guitar writing and Matt’s drums.

5. The Wonder Years - The Greatest Generation 2013

Full disclosure, im completely avoiding this album right now, mostly because it hits soo hard that i have to stay away or ill be a constant emotional wreck forever.lol. That being said, Dan Campbell’s lyrics are monumentally strong and will creep into the deepest part of your soul, find anything about your life you feel like you failed at, and bring it to light. Soo good. And the music is a masterclass in well rounded pop/punk. This album is amazing start to finish, as long as you have no doubts in your life, feel 100% confident with your direction, or have a big box of tissues with you. Especially “The Devil In My Bloodstream,”

It’s sixteen hours straight to home From the heart of North Missouri, And so I searched through my great-grandpa’s memoirs For the devil in my bloodstream. Depression grabbed his throat And choked the life out of him slowly. I’ve got the same blood coursing through my veins And it’ll come for me eventually.

Freaking perfection. *tear*

Honorable Mentions (Because choosing 5 was really hard)

The Devil Wears Prada - 8:18 2013

An album thematically based off my favorite bible verse, Romans 8:18, plus Chris Rubey at his best? Hell yeah. “Sailor’s Prayer” is the height of TDWP’s metalcore prowess. And the music video will make you cry.

Dustin Kensrue - The Water & The Blood 2013

The front-man and lyricist of my #2 favorite band of all time, Thrice, writes a beautiful and cutting worship album. “Its Not Enough” is a real standout in a world that often glorifies materialism.

Five Iron Frenzy - Engine Of A Million Plots 2013

That intentionally uncool, nerdy christian ska band from the late 90s/early 00s comes back together after 10 years to write an amazing modern ska album full of stark social commentary. Having 2 atheist members for the first time, Reese Roper cleverly weaves the jesus into the lyrics through metaphor and crisp story-telling because he recognizes his friendship is too important to force his friends to support a message they dont necessarily agree with. Mucho props. Plus, he explained the meaning of all his lyrics on the bands website.

Also, a song called “Battle Dancing Unicorns (With Glitter),” that tackles what its like to feel old and out of touch with the kids these days.

La Roux - Trouble In Paradise 2014

So i like a good synthpop album now and again. What of it. Plus, Elly Jackson has some serious pipes, and i may have a bit of a crush on her. Also, theres a AMC Rambler on the cover.lol.

This Time Next Year - Road Maps and Heart Attacks 2009

Straight up, teen angst filled, duel lead singer pop/punk. Yet another band in the genre that couldnt come anywhere close with the second effort, and dissolved soon after. “Alex In Wonderland” has the best pop/punk burn on a girl,

Alex is a boys name anyway.

Yep, thats it. took way too long and i still have like 15 albums id like to include.

I hope the 1, maybe 2ish people that actually read this enjoy it.lol.

.trousdale.

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trouseyfromthelou · 9 years

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Im sorry i dont laugh at the right times...

its been ages since ive written on here, but i always seem to come back when life is the hardest, when im at my wits end and i need out.

The last 2 years have been a whirlwind. Grad school brought soo much good into my life, yet i feel almost just as confused as i was when i went in. In reality i shouldnt feel this way at all.

Im more accomplished then ive ever been in my life. Ive got a review article published in a good peer-reviewed science journal that i wrote 100% by myself. Im working on a research article to add to that, and maybe just maybe a 3rd article later this fall. Im 2 weeks and some basic formatting edits from finishing my thesis and grad school with my masters in cell and molecular biology. I immediately upon graduation left for a vacation in mexico for 5 days. Life is good.

But somethings missing. I think its direction, but i cant be sure.

I relate with The Wonder Years “Came Out Swinging” lately. I moved back into my parents house, left good friends and an established church home i loved in springfield for the promise of the next step of life in St louis.

Call me melodramatic (and you might be right), but im struggling with the future. I dont even know where to start to find a good church home, im trying to finish article writing for MSU in my childhood home, and i sorta feel lost during the days.

Ive told myself for months this is the place God wants me to be.That he’ll provide the means and the direction for me to do what he has planned for me if i just have faith, trust, and act in love. But admittedly its been wicked hard.

The last 6 months at MSU i struggled with the enemy, and to some degree still do. I fell to temptations that hadn't gotten me in years, slipped into habits id spent months breaking. I felt like i just had to power through, finish the race, and i could flip a switch and jump back on the track.

I think the biggest loss to the enemy came with my acceptance of that statement. It doesnt make any sense, and its obviously not worked out as id thought it would. I feel like a spiritual failure, and its taking longer than i thought to figure it all back out.

Loneliness still aches in my bones. I dont have the support structure i had in springfield, but its not worse here, just different. There the numbers were more, but the support cam spotty at times. Here there arent as many people, but they are stronger, mainly because the majority are family.

I know things will work out, i just dont know how, and the little control freak in my head isnt buying the trust and faith system all the time.

I keep coming up with the same verse in my head: Romans 8:18 “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us”

I know wat im going through isnt really suffering, because ive seen plenty of true suffering in my days, both in my own life and in the life of those i care about.

I guess what i try to take from this is tat things will get better if i maintain my course and do my best to trust in good, strengthen my faith however possible and give this life a shot.

My only wish is that i could more closely share this life with a few specific people. They would know who they are, and i doubt any of them will read this. Even if they do i bet they write me off as too attached or overly sentimental or something like that, though its not true. Ive learned to live without them, but that doesnt mean i dont want their close presence in my life again. And yes i realise that im a broken record, but i feel how i feel, and i wont stop talking about it.

I definitely got off track from about the 3rd paragraph of this post. It has about the same direction that my life seems to have right now. Oh well, maybe that means its more honest, more from the heart. God knows ive never spoken from anywhere else than the heart.

Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe Ill feel better. I dont know, but i don know its a new chance to work on myself. To get back on track.

I guess ifs theres one thing i havent lacked on its prayer. Ive been praying like crazy. I dont feel ive gotten much answer, but im well aware its not a 1 for 1 process. Another piece of advice i distinctly remember hearing (though i cant remember from whom/where) is to never stop asking God for what we desire for our lives, for others, for the world, etc even when we feel like Gopd is tired of hearing the same request.

God never tires of hearing us pour out our hearts in prayer. And he never gets tired of our problems or wants, even when those around us in our lives do tire of them. He never tires of us, plain an simple. So ive kept praying. Every night, for the same 4 or 5 things.

Still waiting on the answers, but in the meantime God brought me back here with a purpose, and i need to focus on that. Finish the task at hand. For hig glory, in his name.

I guess thats the best i can do right now. Push through each day working towards the path hes set before me.

“Operator take me home. I dont know where else to go. I wanna die in the suburbs...”

.trousdale.

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trouseyfromthelou · 9 years

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Why does it seem i do all of my tumblr writing in bathrooms?

(Im fully clothed mind you, sitting on the floor.)

When i got home tonight (around 12:30am), i stood at the end of my driveway and took in the view while listening to a few tracks off August Burns Red's Rescue & Restore. It was soo relaxing. I needed that. I need this break more than words can say. Its an understatement to say im at my wits end; backed up against a wall. But as usual life doesnt seem to care.

Anyway....

Thanksgiving is upon us all once again, and it usually marks the start of my favorite time of year. I love the winter. I love the cold. Its soo breath-taking and strangely life-giving.

But this year is very different, and im not really sure how to handle it.

My family is not going to see our extended family tomorrow, rather we are having a small celebration here at home. Unfortunately the petty behavior and grudges have seemingly gotten worse ever since my dad was laid off. Its bad, but were going to try to make the best of it, despite the fact i know it kills my mom that her sister and mother withhold soo much from her out of spite and childishness.

But thats only really the tip of the iceberg.

2014 has been the single toughest year of my still young life.

Graduate school has been amazing, Ive made a lot of new friends, some becoming instantly close friends, and ive started to really define who i want to be as a person.

My father and I took a leap and bought a 1957 Chevy Bel-Air. And i cannot wait to spend hours and hours working on it together. I truly believe its exactly what he needs to heal his heart and soul from the past few years.

That being said, its had a fair number of uncomfortable and seemingly unbearable circumstances. And until recently had seen some of those situations come to fruition in beautiful celebration.

Graduate school is a toll i was far from ready for, and its strained my mind constantly. Needless to say i try to put up a front about how stressed i am. And it almost never works.

The truth is that im barely staying afloat.

This fall hit me like a ton of bricks, and im still scrambling to recover.

Ill survive in school. Ill even graduate, though maybe not when id originally wanted to.

Thats the one thing i can do something about.

Unfortunately im powerless to help even myself in most of the other things crossing my path.

I feel like ive lost a lot, and in reality ive gained soo much more in the wake, but that argument in September and the results that followed burn in my heart to this day. I dont know that ill ever understand why this happened. But i do know hows its changed me.

I initially ran away. i ran from everything i knew to be true. Just like in the beginning. and it took a pretty hard fall to wake me up. The truth of me is that ill never be able to rock the manly bravado and just shake things off. It doesnt work like that for me.

But i wont say ive gone on alone. Ive been overflowed with friendship from some of my closest friends, and some new friends that i treasure soo much. I can honestly say they love me for who i am, and not who i portray, but who i try to be. The man i want to be.

That being said, i know you probably wont read this so ill be straight up. I dont love you anymore; at least not in any sort of romantic light. But i do love you as a friend. As one of my closest friends. As the friend God put in my life because he wanted me to be something more. Something better than i was.

And on the off chance that you do read this, i want you to know that im not running away. Im here, and someday if you want to you can come back to this friendship and ill respect you for who you are. I forgave you for the hurt long weeks ago, and im willing to put it all in the past. Ive been surrounded with such immaturity that i genuinely miss how honest and mature we always were with each other.

Also, im soo incredibly happy for you, and im not ashamed to say im quite proud as well. I always believed in you, through everything. And i knew youd reach this day. You deserve the best and i pray that God gives you precisely that.

But back to thanksgiving.

I have soo much to be thankful for, and im not even sure how to begin.

I thank God for everything hes blessed me with in this life. Especially friends and family.

So here it is. What im thankful for: A list with some explanation and comments from myself.

On the more situation side:

The opportunity to be in Graduate School doing research that i love.

The graciousness of my roommates for letting me live on their couch when i had nowhere to go.

The opportunity to enjoy and serve the badn program i love, and the fraternity that i joined and dedicate myself to because of that love.

On the personnel side:

My amazing parents for always backing me up in life and my education

My mother for her support through the crazy and tough times. For always answering my calls even at 2am and talking whenever i need to, especially at 2am. For never giving up even when life dealt her the toughest card. For letting her compassion, love, and ambitious attitude define her rather than her blindness. And for remembering important things i can never seem to retain.

My father for his inspiration to be the best man i can be. For being living proof in my life that people can be accepting, loving, and caring regardless of the circumstances. For being my example of honor and duty to those around me. For giving me the freedom to take stupid risks knowing ill learn from my failures and my successes.

My sister for her sarcastic and sometimes blunt advice on life. For always looking out for me even if done ironically or subtly in secret. For always holding me to a higher standard than my friends. And for pointing out my idiotic tendencies and calling me out on my bullshit.

Jackson Nathaniel Thompson for being a glimpse of God here on earth. And the best nephew i could ever have asked for. For being my inspiration to graduate and be the best uncle i can be. For melting my heart with the everyday random things he says.

Travis Stultz for not letting my residence in Springfield affect our best friendship all these years. And for keeping me up to date on the latest vidja games. Your my favorite socially awkward ginger by far.

Chris Kempke for being an amazing roommate and even better friend. For keeping me honest. And for the amazing hours long talks about geopolitics, religious ideology, automobile history/opinion, and yes, the Green Bay Packers. I love you like an actual brother. Your the best little brother i could have asked for.

Dnaiel Ketcher for giving me a reason to stand by my faith when i really wanted to walk away. For keeping me spiritually sane even though sometimes it feels like were both lost. For being a great hockey watching friend. For indulging me in my stupid ideas and opinions. For sharing and discussing music. For all the humility, hospitality, and amazing companionship. And for telling me my opinions arent always stupid.

Andy Huitt for always keeping my head out of the clouds and on earth when i get sidetracked. For being an amazing brother with truly inspirational love for our fraternity and band program. And for being one of the strongest individuals ive ever know in the face of the hurt and pain of life. You are an inspiration to me, from the bottom of my heart.

Stephen Jackson for being a GM punching bag and also a good sport about it. For standing by my side through everything and always giving me the outside perspective of a wise, yet mostly cynical close friend. Your counsel means the world to me.

Tom Stephens for being an incredibly loyal friend and an even better listener. For never judging me harshly in the face of my own stupidity. For always taking time for me. For being the most gentlemanly person i know. And for your truly brilliant and frank perspective on life. Your opinion carries incredible weight in my heart.

Grt Wolf for being the best big brother i could ever ask for. For allowing me a place to live, both on a couch and then a room.lol. For being a great friend despite not seeing each other that much. For all those sandwiches last school year. And for helping me to discover the greatest fraternity and the best friends id ever meet. When i move back, we should soo hang out.

Marissa Kyser for being my absolute freaking soulmate and best girl friend in the world. Youre always there when i need a shoulder to cry on, and i can always count on you to knock my head back into control when my heart paints the world gray. For always believing in me and never letting me forget it. For giving me brutal honesty when i need it. And for being basically the best, coolest girl on the planet. I love you.

Jena Ingram for always being a great friend through everything. For giving me a reason to look forward to my adult life. For being the shining example of making it when everyone else counts you out. For you over-zealous love of hockey. For always listening even when i just need to whine and get stuff off my chest. Im a better person for having met and being friends with you.

Ashley Rowland for giving me the chance to just ramble feelings without being judged. For giving me the "youth" perspective when i feel old. For giving me a reason to expand my scifi horizons (see supernatural). For slapping me upside the head when im being stupid. And for always taking me at face value, and for listening. Ive always got your back.

Sam Gerard for being one of the quickest girls ive met to join the "Inner circle" (approval still pending ;) ). For being a no nonsense voice when i get caught up in being petty. For genuinely being an awesome person to just talk to. For knowing hockey is awesome. For having the subtle northern accent that comes out when you least expect it. For the ability to laugh at yourself and me, even when im stupid or painfully awkward. Look at that, you made the list after like 2 months of friendship.lol.

Jordan Burgin for being super chill and keeping a level head in the face of stupidity. For knowing and genuinely enjoying top gear. For always giving me the time of day even when im just pouty and depressing. For convincing me to come to village inn that one time. it was awesome. (i guess sam is kinda implicated here too, but nonetheless thanks, we should do it again, like a lot.lol.)

Dailynn Turner for being an incredibly intelligent book worm that always calls me on my bullshit. For being an excellent conversation despite the fact i usually have to badger it out of you. For having deep opinions on harry potter, doctor who, and the lord of the rings (i dont always understand them, but dammit i respect you for them). For being an inspiration to pick up reading again. For keeping me on my grammatical toes. And for your blunt friendship that comes with a lack of any real filter. See: Patrick Stumps Butt all over my facebook.lol.

Amanda Perryman for always being a great listener and not judging me for my stupid inclinations about life. For believing in the goodness of human kind. And for always smiling even when things totally suck.

Shannon Conder for being super knowledgeable about both nerdy and random things. For being an excellent conversation that doesnt need a moderator. For your brutal honesty and your determination to chase your dreams even if theyre big, daunting, and seem impossible. Also, your love of WWII. I know youre gonna be an awesome kappa and an even better grad student, wherever you do land.

Lara Lewis for popping back up randomly and always being fun to talk to and hang out with. For never failing to be the great friend youve always been to me regardless of how longs its been between chats/hang outs. Your on of my true friends from back home, and i hope we can keep this friendship thing going for a long time.

Sarah Sapp for being an example of someone whos true to themselves no matter what. For holding me to a higher standard as a friend than others. And for being a better and cooler friend than i probably deserve. Youre pretty alright for a ginger.jk.lol.

Krista Brooks for being super funny and always in a good mood. For awesome high fives and random car problems that i actually enjoy. And for being my partner in crime when it comes to giving Daniel Ketcher the hardest of times.

And Miranda. Despite the fact that were not friends/not talking/silent acquaintances/whatever you call it, youve still helped me to find God in a way i never imagined was possible. To this day youre an inspiration to me in my spiritual life, and i owe you a huge debt of gratitude for pushing me to better myself and to apply for grad school. For showing me what it means to follow your dreams despite battling through adversity. And for being the single strongest person ive ever met. Through it all youve held strong and finished the race in school. I wish the best for you and I know youre gonna do great things and be soo much to soo many people. God has amazing plans for you.

So in retrospect, even though this year has been increasingly challenging, I know everything will work out in the end. I have faith the God has a plan for me; a reason for my circumstance and the situations i find myself in. And i trust that He knows infinitely more than me. I trust that he is with me, and i strive very day to be closer to him. So off i go for another day in my walk through life with Jesus. I may not be perfect. I may be stubborn and stupid and sometimes a bit reckless and emotional, but its all part of the person God made me to be. And im going to keep working to be the best Me i can be.

I guess that pretty much sums it up.

I leave you with a lyric about life and faith from the song "Creative Captivity," by August Burns Red.

"We will fight to save this. We will fight to keep it alive. This is a cause worth fighting for. We will rescue and restore."

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

.trousdale.

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trouseyfromthelou · 10 years

Text

The Weight: But Not Quite How You Might Expect It

"Love is a loyalty sworn, not a burning for a moment..."

I used to think that applied to romantic love exclusively. A sort of 'If youre in love this is how its supposed to be. no exceptions' statement.

Thanks to a few occurrences, multiple messages at church, and a few in depth conversations with close friends, im not so sure that how i see it anymore.

Love is meant to be like that most certainly. But just because love isnt romantic in context shouldnt lessen the weight the words inherently carry.

For example, I love my family. I love them more than anything in the world. Theyre my freaking family, i wouldnt trade them for anything and theyre a large part of why ive become the man i am today. But its a different love than that of friends or romance.

The way i see it, the concept of Love in human life is like your hand.

I count 4 fingers, all different types of love, all equally important and influential.

The One You Spend Your Life With

Family.

Friends.

Compassion.

The pointer is your Love for the One. The person you couldnt live your life without. The first person that comes to mind in every situation. The one youd give everything in the world for without a second thought. The one you pledge your love and loyalty for eternity.

Romantic Partner love is strong. Its what drives you, powers your emotions, brings you to tears and smiles out of the worst darkness. Its the most obvious form of love, and thus its usually the most notable, lie the pointer finger.

Family love is your middle finger. Its the longest and deepest of the 4. Its the love you feel for the people who brought you into the world, raised you, and love you with all their heart.

Family love is also the most likely to make you mad, frustrate you into a temper and push your limits of annoyance. Hence the middle finger.

Friend love is your ring finger. And while yes it is traditionally reserved for rings a la marriage, thats irrelevant in this metaphor.lol. Friend love is always there, in one form or another. Sometimes its straight forward, other times its your friends making fun of you in public. Its still love, and its still worth every drop of blood, sweat, and tears it will conjure.

Friends are those who support you no matter what, stand by you through good and bad equally, and wont ever let you live down that embarrassing thing you once accidentally emailed your boss.

I was having a tough conversation recently about life with one of my close friends, and i did my best to be encouraging, as we both are facing battles in our lives that seem impossible. I shared my feelings about how i stand by my friends to the end, 100%. How id do anything for any of them, because thats what friendship means to me. And they asked me, "How do i make such good friends?"

I sat puzzled for a second, hoping i wasnt encountering sarcasm, but ultimately deciding the query was truth, and pondered the thought. I thought about all those who i consider my friends and came up with the following:

"Because you're genuine. Because you're humble. Because you're caring. People like us view ourselves as inadequate, as inferior, but we're really the cream of the crop. We value ourselves less than we are, not because we should, but because we value others above ourselves. We take this worlds notion of selfishness and turn it into selflessness. We fight the system because at our core we're the break in the code. Were the ghost in the machine of spoils and self righteousness. We refuse to mold ourselves to the world because in reality the world is molded by us." ( i mean this in the humblest of terms, and i realize that it may come off as pompous, but i promise that was not my intent)

And thats why i stand by my friends. Thats why i Love them with all my heart. Because they are beautifully amazing people worth every ounce of my blood, sweat, and tears.

Finally comes compassion. The pinkie is the smallest of the fingers, and because of this is often overlooked. But in reality what the pinkie lacks in size it makes up for in usefulness. It packs the most potent punch per knuckle.

I believe the same is true about compassion. Its something that we all feel in some light, and while its not the dominant source of love in our hearts, its the most potent. The smallest acts of compassion to complete strangers often result in the largest effects. And yes this isnt always a given, but its certainly true. AND after all compassion isnt really that hard to have. Weve all been there, and weve all been the benefactor of simple acts of compassion.

However (and this part might get preachy, but i promise i dont mean to be forceful, im just pouring my own feelings onto the page), the 4 fingers, though individually strong, and even coordinated into a group, are nothing without the thumb. The thumb is what makes gives the hand its ability. Its what gives the fingers their true power.

That Thumb is God. And it encompasses the entirety of his love for us.

God loves us unconditionally, whether we believe in him or not, whether we practice his teachings or not. Regardless of class, race, creed, etc. He loves every human being unconditionally and completely equally.

And while it is possible to function without the thumb, the thumb gives us the power to use our gifts and talents to love in each of the 4 ways the fingers can.

I am nothing without Gods love for me. And because of this love i am able to spread the joy and love throughout every facet of my life. And if theres one thing i love to do its show my love to those in my life i love.

God is the number 1 love on the hand. Because even if we dont engage him, his love is more perfect than any other kind of love can ever be.

And i can honestly say that i believe my life wouldnt be near the same without that love.

.trousdale.

ps: this idea certainly was much more fleshed out in my head, but its 2am and im tired, so this is what ive got.lol.

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