Rock Bottom

When I think about it the first time I technically self harmed was in 8th grade, but everyone was doing it. At the time, it was just called the ABC Challenge. What you did was scratch with your finger nail or use an eraser on the top of your hand until you broke the skin while saying the alphabet. The was the same year I saw a girl self harm, for real, for the first time. A girl in my history class just started stabbing herself in the arms with a pencil. She was sent to the principals office and from there I don't know. There is two stories to that story. Who knows, except her, if either is true. One story is she was sent to a mental hospital. Another story is she was home schooled. I just know that that girl was in my sophomore science class. After that I never really saw self harm, just read about it in some books. Some would say that my love for this one boy I had known for almost ten years was self harm. That's a different subject for another time. In 2014, I moved from my hometown of 18 years to a place I had only been to one time before. In 2015, I found out about how my sister really felt about me, I cut myself for the first time. Every time after that, we would fight, I would internalize myself. I fell into a deep hole, a mixture of depression, stress, and anxiety. And as many people know that's not a good place to fall into. I was once outspoken and down to earth. Then I became internal, sad, mad, and I felt I was losing my grip on reality. 2015 was a rough year for me. I felt alone. I feel alone still, but I have a grip on myself and found better ways to deal with my problems. Music and books became my my sanctuary. At that time, of me cutting that is, I didn't realize that I was hurting myself more than I was helping myself. I learned that I wasn't fixing the problem between my sister and me by cutting. Now in 2017, I've watched plenty of videos on YouTube by this person called Greg (UhOhBro, Onision, OnisionSpeaks) about the effects on myself and how others will have saw it by me cutting. I have realized that my scars are only skin deep, they aren't permanent, my problems won't last forever or be important in a few weeks, months, or years. I spent too much time worried about how someone thought about me instead of just thinking about myself and worrying about myself. Now I know that what I did was stupid and childish. It was just an extension on some middle school game that played with my mind. Sure every once in a while the dark grey-ness seeps into my thoughts and I get a sudden urge to cut again, but I'm stronger than my mind. I am like a recovering addict and like addicts I will always have to hear that siren call, but I won't listen to it.

Love

When you feel that way and you try describing it and in all honesty, no words can describe the feeling you feel for someone. Like your mind gets all jumbled and your mouth fails to work. You try saying exactly what it is bit there so many words that describe exactly what it is. But we humans have simplified it down to one word, love. Love is the hardest weird to put into words. You can't describe the feeling of being in love with someone because there are so many different ways to describe it. It's wanting to be with them no matey what, whether you're with them or not you want to be right beside them always. It's wanting to put their needs before your own and heeling them with anything they may need help with. Love is when you only think of that one person, it's just the two of you and no one rise matters because you don't feel for them what you feel for the one you love. It's trusting them with everything in you and them giving you all of their trust. Love is being proud of who they are and being with them and being proud of every accomplishment they make. Love is saying your happy and actually meaning it. They don't force you into anything and they don't push you to do anything and vice versa. Love is being able to forget all the pain you ever felt before.

Fear

Last I checked, everyone has some kind of fear of something. Whether it is big or small, rational or not. So m have a fear of moving away from home or spiders or sitting down. There is a fear for using the toilet, wearing shoes, and even taking a shower. I'm constantly wondering how those people love their lives when they have some irrational fears. Like how do you go to the bathroom? Do you ever bathe? If you fear wearing shoes, do you leave your house or what do you use to protect your feet? My fear is simple; well to me it is.  I have a fear of heights. Well not exactly heights, but being a certain distance off the ground and falling. Does that mean I have a fear of falling? Is it even falling that I'm afraid of? Or is it when or if my body makes impact with what is below me? Maybe it's actually just a fear of severe pain. Minor pain I can deal with. It's nothing, but a hiccup in my existence. Fear isn't even a real thing. It's something our mind makes up to protect the shell it's in. Fear becomes an illusion your body feeds off of when there is nothing to even be afraid of. There is nothing to actually be scared of. Your brain is playing tricks on you to make you feel a certain way. Fear is only in your mind. Fear is being afraid of something that isn't even there to make you fearful.

Work

I never seem to work enough. At home and at my actual job. I just never seem to be in one place long enough to do anything. At home, I never get to sleep, eat, relax, watch tv, or clean. At work, I never get enough hours.