I don’t care about my TC anymore.

He was my music teacher years ago and back then, I was obsessed. I kept in touch after he wasn’t my teacher anymore and we got pretty close (as friends). However, this year I’ve realized I don’t like him anymore. One of the last times we talked, I told him how I wasn’t going to continue with music and he went on a rant how I have wasted all my music teacher’s times, that I have put in little effort to improving as a musician, that if when I’m older will I regret this, and that I should’ve quit sooner if I truly felt this way. I made a post about it and if you’d like to read more, it’s called “Quitting his class”, just scroll down my page a little. At the time, I was like “yeah he’s right, I feel bad, I am disappointing him” but now I realize how desperate he sounds and how he actually thinks music is the answer to everyone’s problems. He made a post on social media about how he works as hard as he can to push students but he doesn’t always make a connection. The overall tone of the post sounded like he wanted us to feel guilty and like it is the student’s fault for quitting. Music is his life, I understand that, but he really tries forcing the music lifestyle on all of his students I’ve noticed. He gets upset, fussy even, when he finds out one of his students is quitting because he feels like it was all a waste of time. I don’t think it’s healthy to think like that. Everyone has interests and they move on once it becomes boring and that is what happened with me. I can’t believe I worshipped him for years. It was so stupid and ridiculous. He is still a friend to me and he knows me well, but I just don’t like him much anymore. I haven’t seen him for months. I truly thought I’d never move on, but I did and I feel so much better.

!!!

Trigger warning: sexual assault, rape

One of my teachers got arrested yesterday for sexually assaulting one of his TAs.

I walked into his class yesterday knowing about some allegations that came to surface THAT MORNING so I completely ignored him (not like I was close to him anyway) and didn’t say hi as he was standing outside his door greeting his kids. He was acting like it was a normal day, it was creepy. He really came across as quiet and likable, everyone thought he was chill. After class, turns out he got arrested and taken away. I won’t go into detail, but what he did happened inside his classroom and that is so gross that we students would walk into there everyday not having a clue.

I’m so angry about this because I feel like I can’t trust my teachers anymore. It frustrates me that teachers take advantage of the position they’re in and use it to manipulate their students. It’s so upsetting, you never would’ve thought. He had a wife and kid for God’s sake.

I want to talk about this because the TC community especially should be careful about stuff like this happening, it’s real and you should be extremely careful. If you notice your teacher coming on to you, please please please tell someone. I don’t care that you have a crush on them, it’s NOT okay. I hate hearing these stories and to think one of my teachers got arrested for doing exactly that is so disgusting.

A little off topic, but I’m so glad that my TC was smart enough to say “no” to some of the things I would ask him (a hug, a ride home, I was dumb) because he would’ve been accused of exactly this. I realize how silly that was and how risky it is. I’m so glad my TC is a good role model in my life and has never taken advantage of me, especially since I knew him at such a young age.

Please be careful.

the moment i get over my tc and start liking this boy my age, i realize i literally don’t know how to flirt with people my age because i’ve never had a real relationship...my crush and i went to eat after school earlier this year (as in last school year) and i was so stupid i ignored him because i didn’t know how to act around him all i knew was how to act coy and childish around a teacher and now my crush has a girlfriend i understand there’s plenty fish in the sea but wow that was the first time a boy agreed to eat with me and it was just us two and i missed up the opportunities to hang out with him i’m kicking myself so hard rn, being in love with a teacher messed up my relationship life and flirting skills seriously lmfao that is so sad...and i still have a soft spot for my tc so i’m so conflicted i’m so sad

I’m so glad I’m over him. You think you’ll never grow out of it but you do. I still see him often but the feelings have disappeared...it’s crazy. Of course I’ll always have a soft spot for him...but it’s not the same.

I gotta thank the TC community for providing me with a place where I could share my thoughts and feelings about him since 2012. It feels nice to find others who also deal with what you’re going through. But I’ve moved on. To all current TCers, please be careful with how you handle your crush—don’t make silly mistakes like posting a picture of them or video recordings of their voice or whatever. I’ve deleted almost all pictures of him off my phone.

Side note—I also must thank a certain TC blog (who no longer seems to be active) for being a Twin Peaks fan and reblogging pictures of it on my dashboard. It’s been my obsession since February of this year and has legit bettered my life (plus Audrey and Cooper’s relationship was relatable...a high school girl in love with an older man? *SPOILER maybe* and never gets with him because let’s be honest, it’s completely wrong? Totally get it. Recommend the show by the way).

Almost none of my followers are active I believe and if they are, they’ve also grown out of it. Thanks again for the supporting community. Will probably delete this blog in the near future.

and of course he’s the first one to leave me a birthday message on my facebook page...i haven’t seen him in months <3

no longer my teacher

Here’s the backstory--my tc is a middle school teacher and taught all throughout those three years. Junior year in high school, he took over a 7 AM class and I had him again. He has now quit and won’t return this following year which I’m actually not that upset about because I see him often at concerts and whatnot (he’s a music teacher) and I was planning on quitting his class before he announced that anyway (moving on, focus on academics). 

I vaguely remember the last day I had him as my teacher, which was like a month ago. I just remember it wasn’t really a sad day, everyone was laughing and smiling. The requirement for this last class was that we play in small groups, playing whatever piece with whoever we wanted. I obviously got into a group with my good friend J. I just remember a lot of goofing off and not playing which K didn’t really care about honestly. I had uhh drawn boobs on J’s music (circling important notes which looked like boobs). K came to our group and of course sat behind J and saw that. For some crazy reason, he wasn’t mad and either didn’t care or didn’t know what it was. He asked “What is that?” J said “S(me) did that.” I looked away out of embarrassment, shook my head and said “Yeah sorry”. He literally couldn’t have cared less and moved on. Later on, I had this gatorade and was planning to pour some out until K walked outside (my group was outside, he couldn’t see us from inside). He made a confused face and said “Don’t pour that out.” My friend and I started laughing.

I am part of his orchestra outside of school so I still saw him for rehearsals and the concert. No interesting interactions and I haven’t seen him since then. Although I’ll still see him for orchestra stuff, I think it really is time for me to move on. There’s this kid (surprisingly my age) who I kinda like and he for some reason agreed to eat lunch with me after school. It went well and he agreed to meeting up later in the summer. We haven’t because for the past two weeks I was in another continent so hopefully something can be planned. Also, I’d love if you guys read my last post on how traveling was. Thank you if you read all this, I haven’t been active much on here.

short lived

I haven’t posted on here in over two months but this isn’t about my TC. I’ll make another post regarding him but anyway.

I recently went on a ten day trip to another continent with this music group I’m part of (or was since I quit lol) and I came back about three days ago I think. I will not reveal exactly where we went but we went to two countries, 5 days in each. In one of the countries, I could communicate fluently because my naive language is what they speak there (but I’m not from there, it’s a language spoken in many countries). Hope that didn’t confuse you lmfao.

Unfortunately in the second country we went to, I found the people kind of rude because every time I tried speaking the language they responded in English, thinking I was learning the other language and wasn’t good at it. It came across as rude most of the time and I tried not to let it get to me but it annoyed me.

I met one man from that country who was genuinely one of the nicest and friendliest people I’ve ever met and changed my perspective on the people there—our tour bus driver. Unfortunately, it wasn’t until day 5 of the trip that I realized he was attractive. He was loading our luggage onto his bus and in that moment it hit me. 5 days wasted not trying to get to know him. He spoke little English and only spoke *ahem* the other language and out of everyone on this tour group, I was the only native speaker (there were fluent speakers but not genuine native speakers). It felt so nice to have someone on the trip be a fluent speaker and I wanted to get to know him. He was pretty handsome I must admit. Wore glasses, dark brown hair turning somewhat grey, green eyes…now that I typed that out, it exactly describes my TC but they look very different in real life. This man was also very short, I’m going to say 5’5” and I’ve never liked a guy that short but it didn’t bother me at all.

Did I bond with him in the last 5 days?……nope. I would get insanely nervous. I remember many moments where nobody would be talking to him and he’d just be sitting, chilling, watching. Sometimes smoking a cigarette which the people over there do excessively, annoying and irritating, but he looked good doing it. Those moments that I could’ve just approached him, said hi, and told him about myself and I never did because I got nervous and was afraid he’d think I’m strange. Looking back, considering how EXTREMELY friendly he was, he probably would’ve been happy to get to know new people.

I tried using from what I know about starting a bond with my TC in this case to bond with him but…I was so shy and in the end I never had a full conversation with him. Only “good mornings” and a “I’m not hungry” and an awkward high five moment (that he made not awkward which I thought was cute). There was even one moment late at night in the hotel hallways I was talking with my mom on the phone and from the top floor, I saw him walking up the stairs shirtless to his room. That was a funny moment for me as it caught me off guard and I forgot how to speak momentarily haha. The main reason I really liked him was because he responded to me in (other language) unlike most of the people there who would act as if they didn’t hear me and respond in English, not knowing it’s actually my first language. He was the sweetest and funniest guy, got along with everybody on the trip despite the language barrier.

The last day. He dropped us off at the airport at around 6:30 AM. He waved and said “goodbye” and some people went up to him to give him a hug. I was looking at the one friend who I had told that I kinda liked him and she told me through her eyes like “you better say bye now”. I panicked and as he was going up the steps to his bus I ran inside and hugged him. He opened his arms very wide and gave me a sweet hug. I quickly thanked him and asked for “personal contact information”. He said “I don’t have Instagram, Facebook…nothing.” The way he said it sounded as if IF he did have social media, he would’ve gladly given it to me. That disappointed me and so I quickly suggested maybe he could give me his email. I handed him my phone to type it and as he was typing I said “In case I come back here, I want you showing me around…” Thinking about it now, I kind of cringe at the fact that I said that but in the end it didn’t matter because I got what I wanted. Contact information. I wanted to keep in contact with a man as nice and interesting as him. He smiled as he handed me back my phone and I shook his hand and said bye, so did he. I turned around and got off the bus and that was the last I saw of him. I didn’t look back out of embarrassment and because I knew I’d cry. I would look down at my phone and tear up thinking about how much I didn’t do with him and how I might never see him again. But I got his email and thinking about staying in contact with him makes me happy. I managed to get a group photo with him the night before we left and it’s pretty bad quality, but it makes me smile.

In the future, I hope to one day travel to that country again, email him to meet up for a coffee or something and properly get to know him because that man was seriously one of a kind. Although I have one video and some pictures of him, the video is muffled, audio not clear, so eventually I’m going to forget what his voice sounds like. That makes me so sad. I can still slightly hear his “good morning how are you?” in my head, but that’s it. I can’t remember his laugh or his normal speaking voice. One day, I’ll listen to it again. I’ll see his smile again. That’s a promise I’m making to myself.

Lately, I’ve had moments where I don’t interact with K for a period of time but then when he talks to me even once I fall in love all over again. This happened today.

I had a rehearsal for his orchestra outside of school so I did see him last night and he spoke to me, teasing me as always.

But today! I walked into class late as always, which K doesn’t seem to mind...like at all. I walked in and he said “Oh there she is!” I looked up and smiled. I walked to my seat. “Aww, it was gloomy and now it’s sunny. My day is a little more sunny. Isn’t all your guys’ days a little more brighter?” I looked at my friend, J, across the room who was laughing so hard because all the attention was on me. Then he started teasing my other friend, E. “His day is a little more brighter too now that (my name) is here. Isn’t it?” I looked at J and I raised my eyebrows, because it sounded like he was saying E liked me or something. K said “I’m not insinuating...whatever you’re thinking.” Keep in mind, the whole class is watching us and he is saying this in front of them omg. When things like these happen, I swear I fall in love with him just a little bit more.

Quitting his class

To add on from my previous post...this happened two weeks ago.

I told K I was going to not continue with his class because I was taking other classes that would benefit me much more than music (and plus none of my friends were doing it next year but I didn’t tell him that). Basically...he was saying stuff like if when I’m 35 will I regret this decision and at my old high school (I switched) that I did not dedicate myself over there and he believes that even now in his class, I do not show my full potential and try as hard as I can. I have four friends in music class and one is a senior so of course he’s graduating. One is moving away, and the other two are quitting (plus some other people). He said that he was not mad, but he’s annoyed that we are quitting...that I have worked so hard to get where I am and all the time and energy that teachers spent on me was pretty much for nothing (from his point of view). I’m also quitting this other music program that he also got me into (that he subbed for the rehearsal one day and that’s when this happened) which he was also disappointed by. I was still planning to continue in his own orchestra that he conducts outside of school, but he said if I was not in the school orchestra then I can’t be in that either. Honestly think he made that up on the spot because he was frustrated lol since I know he needs players for that. He also said if I truly feel this way about quitting then I should’ve done it sooner.

Of course, none of this means he hates me. He said “If I see your name on the list (for his class), okay. If I don’t see your name...okay. If I see you, I’ll still high five you. We’ll still be pals.” I remember when the conversation ended, we did not say bye to each other. It was kind of a sad silence. :(

We’ve been fine since and right now he’s in another country doing music stuff, haven’t seen him in a week. Miss him.

He Cares

If you read my last post, you’d know I’m not planning to take K’s class next year for academic reasons and his class wouldn’t...benefit me. That’s the short version.

Last night, he emailed my parents at 11 PM about my schedule next year. He asked earlier this week if I was continuing and I said “I don’t know”. He was so surprised and wasn’t expecting that answer from me. The email says “She seemed to suggest that she would not be continuing with orchestra next year and I was quite surprised...(more info about all the orchestras I’m in and how much people have worked for me to get where I am). I was hoping to count on her as part of the orchestra for her duration at (school). Please let me know what your thoughts are and thank you for being such a great family!!”

I was so shocked reading that this morning. He actually wants me to be in his class. He’s actually upset about my decision. I plan to email him over the weekend on exactly why I’m not going to but I feel so sorry for him and anyone else who might be disappointed by my decision. I still plan to play in HIS orchestra that he directs outside of school, so I’m not completely giving up. Plus I plan to play in college. But I feel like I have really disappointed him. :(

So I’m considering not taking his class next year. As a TCer, you would think I want to take his class again, but here’s the thing: all my friends are quitting or graduating, I’d be stuck in there with all the new freshman and I wouldn’t benefit from it academically. I’m thinking of taking this other class that conflicts with his class. As much as I love him, my crush has faded and it’s more like I love him and deeply appreciate him, you know? (I say that but once I’m alone with him I start falling in love with him all over again lmfao) But in a school sense...you know, it’s not worth it taking his class again.

Yesterday, he went around the class and asked everyone if they were auditioning for next year’s class. Once he came to me with his laptop, he said something like “I’m putting you down, right?” (If I’m doing it next year) I hesitated and said “...I don’t know.” GUYS. The expression on his face when he looked up from his laptop and stared right in my eyes. There was a pause. “Really?” He asked in disbelief. I didn’t make eye contact with him once (which I do all the time lol) but I could tell he was...almost upset. I didn’t answer, and there was another pause. He looked back down st his laptop, said “Okay...” and typed something under my name, probably like “undecided” or something and walked away.

I was totally not expecting a reaction like that from him. He was so shocked at my answer. Knowing him, he probably expected me to say “Abosultely!” or something because I like being around him but...idk that just isn’t the case. I plan to change my schedule and tell him my final answer Thursday. I wonder what he’ll think of it.

Performance and Car Ride

Some of my friends were performing with these pretty famous musicians (in the orchestra world) and I really wanted to go but had no ticket. K came after school to pick my friends up who were performing and he briefly said hi and sorry they didn’t ask for my instrument to play. Luckily, my friend texted me that she had an extra ticket!

I showed up by myself and found my seat, which was amongst some of the parents of the performers. They greeted me. I saw K walking around and he came to my row to speak to the parents. He saw me, smiled big and waved. I smiled back at him. Skipping to the second half, my friend J told me K offered to give both of us rides. I was so happy! My mom for some reason was already there to pick me up even though there was like an hour left? I told her to leave lmfao and that K would give me a ride.

K was giving me, my friend J, her sister, and this other lady teacher a ride. As we were in the parking lot, he suddenly turned around and I was right behind him and so I collided with his back omg and he accidentally stepped on my shoe. I was so embarrassed and laughed about it with my friends. He said some moments later “Who was that I bumped into?” I said me and he replied “Oh. I didn’t feel anything” (Implying that I’m small and weak).

I sat in the middle in between my friend and her sister and the other teacher in the front. He drives stick shift and it’s so crazy. I had gotten a ride from him once before. He is a fast driver and makes sharp turns, I wasn’t even wearing my seatbelt because it was so crowded in the back. We were looking at the concert poster and they were all dressed like in early 1900s fashion so I said “Is that Teddy Roosevelt?!” My friends and I bursted our laughing and I could hear him sigh and tell the teacher “They’re so dumb.” We talked about how one of our friends who also performed forgot to bow. K said “He’s a good kid.” J said “(His name) is adorable” and I said “(His name) is super cute.” There was a silent pause and we laughed. I could hear K exhale deeply, probably rolling his eyes lol. I asked him if he could speak Spanish and he said “Poquito” (a little). He said that he knows enough to understand stuff that we don’t think he understands. My friend started speaking in Spanish so fast and saying prayers. He said “Why are you rapping Eminem in Spanish? That’s from 8 Mile.” She said more stuff and he said “Now you’re just saying numbers.” We were nearing my house and I was dropped off first since I was closer. I stepped out of the car and he said “Bye S!” I waved back. I got home and noticed he was still there, and I realized minutes later that he was waiting for me to text them that I safely made it home lol.

Today, he greeted my friend and I with the cutest good morning. My friend and I smiled.

Last night was really good, I don’t talk to K like at all since I’m late to class everyday and then he leaves right away to teach at his other school so I’m happy we interacted. :)

Adding to my last post (me being late to his class everyday), I showed up early Wednesday because I had a huge test that day. It was 6:50 and class starts at 7. He noticed me coming in and said “S!” I looked back at him. “15 minutes.” Meaning that he expected me at around 7:05 and not this early. I smiled. He covered his mouth and started whispering to the kid and other teacher near him and although I couldn’t make out what they were saying, I’m almost positive it was about how I’m late everyday. I looked at him and raised my arms, you know how people do that when they’re confused? He shook his head, meaning that he wasn’t saying anything. : - )

I am always late to class, literally everyday, and yesterday I came later than usual and he looked at me from across the classroom as I sat down, smiled and waved at me. He gave me a thumbs up, probably asking me if I was okay. I gave him a thumbs up. I’ve noticed that he doesn’t even mark me tardy anymore, unless it’s past 7:10.

Special treatment, you think? Haha.

“Flowy urine? Hmm.”

Reblog with your favourite thing your tc has said so far.

Mine is “I don’t waste my brain cells on YouTube videos. Instead, I use them for reading because reading is GOOD.”

why did nobody tell me about dale cooper and audrey horne sooner, their relationship is literally like mine with my tc, we know nothing can ever happen but he totally respects and cares about me, especially like that one time i injured my leg at this camp and he carried me my heart

Thursday after school, we had a performance at this high school where we were graded by professional judges. Many other high schools also attended to be judged as well.

When I arrived to his class in the morning, he stepped outside to close the door. I was late as I kinda always am. I had been absent the past two days because I was sick. He stepped out, looked up, froze and smiled slightly. I smiled back at him. “Were you waiting for me to come out here?” I smiled and shook my head no. 

The performance dresses the girls wear make me uncomfortable because well I don’t really like showing my arms...I think they are too hairy and in middle school for performances, I’d always shave them. I haven’t done it for a couple months now and I don’t know if K would’ve noticed. That day, whenever K would talk to me I’d be afraid of him looking at my arms but because he didn’t bring attention to it (WHICH HE wouldn’t in the first place lmfao that’s so inappropriate) it made me uhh not afraid to show them I guess. It sounds dumb and nothing meaningful, but I am always scared of what someone thinks of my arms. :( 

It was after the performance and we had a clinic with one of the judges. On our way, K patted my head with some papers he was holding and praised us for playing great. During the clinic, I saw him walk and go behind me. I was too scared to see exactly where he was, but every time the guy teaching us said something funny I could hear his chuckle right behind me. This made me so nervous because 1. I did not want him to look at my arms 2. I don’t like him hearing me play and 3. I don’t like when people (especially him) watch me or stand behind me like that. It was over very quick and on our way out, K...idk if he gave me a pat on the shoulder or something but he once again praised us and that we create a big sound. We were taking a class photo in this one room and I was standing off to the side. K looks at me and smiles. He grabs my instrument and moves me in closer with everyone. I move and grab my instrument.

I play a large and heavy instrument so I cannot carry it for long distances. I was getting tired and so I asked my friend to ask K if he could carry it. She asked him. He said “When is she going to get good grades?” I’ve had bad grades in the past and he jokes about it occasionally. My friend begged and said “Look how small she is!” I looked at him and said please. He gave in and said “Wow she said please. Can someone write that down?...” He then asked me how am going to do this for the rest of my life if I can’t even carry my own instrument. We finally got to where our instrument cases were. I put my arms out so I could carry it now. He said “Aww you can carry it now?” I smiled and nodded. He said it in such a cute way jkfdkfdsssdfjs. 

The next day in class, he gave everyone donuts and started playing the Cailou theme song.......for some reason. Then he played that old ass video The Duck Song. I was talking to my friend and he randomly got near us and started singing. I told him “Can you turn that off?” He said no and then something along the lines of that music keeps him innocent or something LOL. I sat down and he put this stand towards me, kind of trying to hit me with it. I pushed it back twice and he muttered “Feisty.” 

I can’t wait to see him Monday. Idk why, but I feel so much closer to him. It’s amazing how much progress I’ve made since I first started liking him years ago. I love him sooooo much.