tothemanwhohidesbehindbottles - Tumblr blog

tothemanwhohidesbehindbottles · 2 years

Text

The Timeline

Early November '20

I know him for the first time

Late November '20

I worked for him for the first time. There was no written contract between us and he only said that I’d get 10% of any payment he receives from a work I’d take care. However, sometimes he asked me to make an invoice from a work I wasn’t even working on and paid 0 rupiah on it.

Early January '21

We started to hang out/drink more.

Late January '21

Celebrating his birthday with his team because I was invited by the team, not by him.

Early February '21

I spent a night at his house while his kids were at their mother's and fell asleep on the couch. I went home around 4 a.m.

February 3, '21

My ex and I agreed to take a break because of what happened that night.

February 5, '21

We went to one of the restaurants in Prawirotaman owned by his friend. His friend said something persuasive, something like, “he’s a good man, I want you to take care of him.” I kissed him on the parking lot.

Mid February, '21

We're getting closer and started to get drunk more often. This led us to sex. He hurt his arm the first time we did it.

Late February, '21

We celebrated my birthday together, just the two of us.

Early March, '21

He gave me a t-shirt saying “magic pussy” because he thought it was funny.

Celebrating his daughter's birthday while knowing that nobody knew that we're sleeping together. Spending the night at his right after that party.

Late March ‘21

We became closer and started to take more pictures together. I even got him an access for the 1st vaccine when the application was closed.

At the end of March ‘21

Somehow things weren’t fine between us and I knew that I needed to step back but he kept pulling me closer. I even had the thought to leave him.

Early April ‘21 My ex and I decided to break up. It was very hard and I needed time to process all the feelings.

Mid April ‘21 Worked together with his team, again when none of them knew about us. I remembered riding a motorbike with him while he was flirting with me once in a while.

Late April ‘21 We're getting closer and at this point we also had sex more often. Most of the time we used condoms. Many of his friends thought we were officially dating.

Early May ‘21 Hanging out with him way more often and he started to introduce me to his friends at his fav bar.

Mid May ‘21

He had asked me to be his girlfriend quite some times. Often I asked him if he was sure or not, if he could accept all of my flaws (because I could accept any of his shits). He didn’t say any word. One night he offered me the same thing again. He always did this under the influence of alcohol, we never talked about this matter when he’s sober.

Apparently, he was scared that his kids won’t have anyone when he’s gone since he didn’t trust his ex wife. He was scared of death (I guess it’s because some of his friends have passed away). He didn’t want his kids and everything he had fell on his wife’s hands so he wanted me to take care all of it without making sure that it was what I want (it wasn’t). He then said, “But if we’re together, I don’t want you to be involved in that rainbow thingy.”

I said I couldn’t. It’s my identity, it’s what I am, and I will help anyone in it. It’s my issue as well. He couldn’t say any word. Before we continued our conversation, one of his friends approached us and talked to me. They said tat it’s okay if I wanted to be with him, but I shouldn’t forget my happiness.

Mid Jun ‘21 Selling my stuff at a queer event where he came and being supportive.

Late Jun - Jul ‘21 At this point, we hang out and fuck almost every weekend. When he got drunk, he could send me random flirty text, even when we’re together with his team members.

Late Jul ‘21 Helped him to shoot some photos for his friend who already knew we were "together".

August 13, ‘21 Was feeling down cuz my ex and I could've celebrated our 7th anniversary, and ended up drinking with him at his fav bar. A class got cancelled which made me feel worse. I drank too much and he said that I acted like his ex wife, I still don’t know what it meant but it made things worse. I went to his house that night, fell from my motorbike on the way but he didn’t help because he rode in front of me. Nobody helped. We slept drunk that night.

August 14, ‘21

He took me to the river I went with my friends the week before to make things up.

Late August ‘21

I got another job (since I needed more income) and was busy making an annual report. It made me busier so the time I spent with him was lesser.

Late September ‘21

I went to Bromo for few days on the weekend. We still texted and call each other just to see what’s up. This was where things got worse for me.

Coming back from Bromo, I found myself getting the disease I got the year before. In 2020, I got an issue with my intestines caused from a bacteria. The treatment was quite late and it made things really bad. I had to learn to walk again due to the weight loss and needed few months to recover. Knowing that I got that again made me feel so down. My doctor even told me that the treatment wouldn’t be short again. I had to take antibiotic that made me puke. I had to stop eating cheese, chocolate, ginger, alcohol, and anything deep friend--which were the only things I consume. I had to go back and fourth to the lab to see if my feces were clean or not.

I never eat or drink from street stall so I assumed it was because of the weather and/or my mental. The disease appeared in the same time, when we had to celebrate my dad’s death. I may say that I’m okay but my body told me the otherwise.

I contacted my psychologist regarding the problem (the disease, dad’s death, and his act where I felt like he started to avoid me). She was busy. We ended up not seeing each other. Another time where I got no help.

October ‘21

I was so stressed because of many things. My work, the relationship, the illness that wasn’t still recovered, the ticket refund, etc.

Early November ‘21

I recovered from my illness but my mental wasn’t in a stable condition yet. On the same week, I saw him on Viavia and he still could joke about how he still kept our old photos, especially the spicy ones. I didn’t know what to say so I stood there like an idiot and gave him the awkward laugh.

Mid November ‘21

Somehow I spent a night drinking at his house with his team, I forgot the occasion because I don’t think there’s any. We just hung and drank.

Late November ‘21

I asked a friend of my mine to tattoo me and they worked in a place where he usually visited. I wasn’t surprised when I found him and his friend sipping beers there. I didn’t really pay attention to them since I focused more on my friend and the tattoo I was about to get. His friend and him said good bye when I hadn’t started being tattooed. Much later, he went back to the place, saying something like, I still want to drink but don’t know where to go. Another friend of his came and sat next to him. They were sitting just in front of me so I could hear what they said but I pretended not to hear anything. There was one time when he said something like, “Her? She’s my manager and my kids’ teacher. She takes care of us all, I don’t know what happens if she’s not around.” Again, I pretended not to hear that. He checked on me to see my reaction, but I made myself focused more on the tattoo. I think at that point I didn’t want to care on anything coming from his mouth.

Very late November ‘21

We drank on his house with no occasion. When I was about to leave, he tried to stop me to make me stay, so I did. We both were drunk but I wasn’t as drunk as him. We had sex and in the middle of it he said, “You know, I almost intentionally impregnated you.” I laughed because I thought it was just a joke. “No, I’m serious. I wanted to do that so we could stay together.”

I was too drunk to respond it, but the next morning, I remembered everything. He didn’t remember anything from that night, I’d asked him couple of times. There was no text he sent after I went home that night (or early morning). There was nothing.

I still remembered the thing he said which made me go back to a night where I found out that he took off his condom without my knowing. I had to ask him if he removed his condom or not, he didn’t say anything at first but he finally admitted it. Was it an intentional to make me pregnant? Was it something else? I couldn’t think straight at that time but a friend of mine comforted me by saying that he was wrong and I was right for leaving him.

I wrote a poem about us which was read aloud on an event the following year.

December 23, ‘21

I went to his house to celebrate Christmas. There were already some people there, his team and some friends of his. Before I left, he texted me not to leave yet. We had sex that night and after we’re finished, he told me that he’s actually seeing another woman but he wasn’t clicked with her yet and planned to break up with her soon. He said she was too much, had a different religion from him, asked for money when she bought stuff for his kids, etc. I thought they just got to know each other for a short time, like a fling, so I let it pass.

He also asked me to just be sex partner which I agreed on with the thought that he would only do it to me. “But if I stop at you and you stop at me, we are dating, okay?” I didn’t say anything to this.

Early January ‘22

I eventually knew that he left his kids at home on NYE to drink with his friends at Prawiro/Paris Street. I felt sorry for the kids and told him about holiday depression because I don’t want them to experience it. He then took them to stay a night in a hotel. In the afternoon, he invited me to swim with them. I thought it was just gonna be swimming and that’s it, because I needed to go to grocery shopping and the supermarket was just next to the hotel. Nope, he asked me to stay up until late. He asked for a booze, I offered him to buy one for him with the thought that he would drink it himself, without me. Nope, he offered me the booze. We ended up kissing in front of the room. He actually planned for more but the kids weren’t asleep yet.

Late January ‘22

I knew how things between him and the other woman was getting more serious despite the fact that he said he had had enough of her for being too much and clingy. I politely asked if I bothered them or not because I wanted to step away from it but it felt like he hold me, made me stay, made me be the other choice when the other woman wasn’t available. I didn’t give my consent to the last part--he never asked anyway.

One night, I promised to myself to step away, lock the door behind me, and find new people. All of my friends were very supportive to me.

Last week of January ‘22

Just when I knew I was free from him, he told me that he broke up with the other woman. She blocked him and he laughed at it. I didn’t know what to respond so I just sat there asking him if he was okay or not. He said that he was totally fine, he wasn’t hurt at all, it was like nothing to him.

We then celebrated his birthday with some friends of his, I stayed overnight but because we’re both so tired, we didn’t have sex the next morning.

February ‘22

Because of his relationship status (well, ours), he was trying to get closer to me again. He would send me the good morning text, we would have sex once in a while with me thinking that he won’t see the other woman ever again. Of course I was the joke.

Late February ‘22

I celebrated my birthday with a friend of mine. He joined us right before midnight and posted a birthday greeting on his insta (which then was checked by the other woman). We kissed and he left. At night, we had dinner together with the kids and he gave me a pair of pants and I don’t know why I assumed that he gave the same pair to the other woman.

Early March ‘22

We’re getting close again and I helped him making the birthday party for his kids (I ordered the cake and decoration). We celebrated it but I couldn’t stay long enough at the party due to family thing.

Late March ‘22

He had a work with a big phone company. Because I thought that I was still part of his team, I thought that I would get a role on this project too. Nothing he said involved me until I had to ask whether I was needed or not. I mean, I know I can do nothing but ya know, I can grab ya beers if ya need em. He then said that I could just stay home with the kids (a.k.a. babysitting them). I was kinda disappointed but I was like, okay.

He worked for two days where the second day would be longer and more tiring, he said. He offered me to work until late or until around 6 and he would call their usual babysitter. I chose the later one. I went home around 6 or 7. Apparently, he finished his work earlier and invited me to “celebrate” the work since I was part of that team. I told him to just let me know when and where so I could join them since I was already free at that time. He said he was at his friend’s restaurant in Prawirotaman with some other team members. I was so ready to go until he said that he wouldn’t be long there because he’s tired and everything.

The next morning he told me that he was so tired because he spent a night at the restaurant. I said to him that he said he was going to leave early, that I didn’t go and join him because of that reason. He made excuses, saying something that his friend was there when he was about to leave and he didn’t want to let his friend down or something.

But I knew, I knew that I wasn’t wanted there. There might be someone else that he doesn’t want me to meet. Very professional, indeed.

Maybe he felt bad for me so he told me that we should celebrate it in a different way, with the kids. But I was already busy on the weekend since I had to push some things because I had to take care of his kids the days before. I was feeling unappreciated anyway so what’s the point.

Early April ‘22

He sold his t-shirt where I had to take care of the order, but not the content posted on Insta, it was all him. He posted two pictures of the other woman on his business account which made me question stuff. I asked him their relationship and he said that they’re just friends but it was the other woman who was still trying to get him and he was still thinking that she was too much for him.

Mid April ‘22

We still hung and drank together but I knew that I shouldn’t do it, but it felt like he pulled me over.

Late April ‘22

I was working on my product and needed help on the photos. I’ve actually asked some friends but he asked (more like forced?) me to help me. I agreed on it, I had some pics ready to post on insta even tho not all of them were based or at least similar to what I made on my mood board. I asked him how much I should charge and he said that I shouldn’t think about it.

He went to Jakarta to do a work on the same phone company. He already told me that he would work with the other woman, but since he said that they’re just friends now, I didn’t have any negative thought on them. At this point, I was working for him for another company of cellular data.

Somehow, on April 25th, I tweeted, “he’s probably fucking his ex rn.”

Mid May ‘22

He was already in Jogja and we hung and flirted like we did before. We celebrated a kid of his friend’s birthday together and even asked me to shower with him. Yes, in an event like that.

May 20s ‘22

He went back to Jakarta to work on the same thing with the same people. Again, I wasn’t included. So much appreciation for calling me a part of his team.

I knew one thing happened in this moment. I even tweeted about it, but maybe it was just a gut and as a scientific person who likes crime stories, I wouldn’t believe something until the person confesses.

Late May ‘22

After going back to Jakarta, we went to a gig with some other team members. One of them jokingly asked him if he got “jatah mantan” and said more evidences on it. This is it. This is the time I should be leaving.

The next morning I asked him if he had sex when he was in Jakarta. He said yes. He said it was a mistake and he shouldn’t do it. I laughed so hard reading the text, I laughed at me for being so stupid.

I immediately did an IVA test. It was positive. I had to come back the next week to do pap smear. I asked a friend of mine to accompany me, she said yes. We did it together. I was afraid that my period would come because according to my calendar, it should come soon. But no. I got my period late. I had so many negative thoughts. I had sex with him after he went back from Jakarta, unprotected, because he didn’t want to wear condom.

Pap smear test turned out well, but I still had to see my counselor for few meetings because of my stress. Everything was so draining and overwhelming. I felt like I was drowning. I’d wake up with anxiety most morning, I felt sick in my stomach, I couldn’t sleep well at night, I easily lost focus. I knew I needed help from many people.

June ‘22

I was quite suicidal but still trying to make everything as a joke. Friends helped me a lot in this situation. Some friends who don’t even know about the situation cheered me up with their stupid jokes that I laughed at anyway. Some small things would trigger me and gave me anxiety or panic attacks, even in the middle of party. There was a week where I woke up with anxiety every morning. I was kinda distant from him but there’s one more project that we had to do.

Mid June ‘22

We did a photoshoot for a contemporary artwork contest. It was all his idea. I almost didn’t do this thing, but I still had to ask him whether or not he wanted to go on, he did. He only needed my name since he’s too old to be in the contest. He picked all of the ideas and the references. He went with a queer theme since it’s my issue but I had no part in choosing anything. Everything was him. Doing the photoshoot was a hell for me because I also had to go back to the place where I first worked with him and his team mates.

Late June ‘22

There was a gig I attended as a seller in the south. A friend of mine told me about it and suggested me to join. I did it in the last minute.

I was by myself (of course, as usual), preparing the stuff, carrying everything, setting up the place, selling and explaining the products. He and his team were there. One of them was there to present a film he and his other team did, the other was just there to watch the gig, just like him. He drank, obviously. I don’t know what he has taken, but late at night when the event almost ended, he came up to me and brought me some amer. I drank some then got tipsy. We then talked and in the middle of our conversation, he had the audacity to ask me if we can go back like we did before. You know, sex and flirty messages. I was too nice to say no, I said I’d think about it. I should’ve said fuck no.

Early July ‘22

I went to go on a holiday (finally!) and ditched all of my work. Our photo was done and ready to be framed and shipped, so he texted me to deal with it. I said I’d do it on July 5 at night because that’s the time I’d be on the train to go back home. I think he didn’t like my response since he said to do it quicker. I just said I’d do that on July 5 at night again.

After I went back home, I went to Artjog and saw him there. Things were awkward between us, I could tell. He left early while I was still there.

A couple days after that, I went to a club somewhere in the north and met his close friend. He asked me why I wasn’t with him anymore. I told him the truth that he didn’t want me. He said things were too fast between us but then he went on a date with a woman whom he only knew for 2 months. His friend asked me what I was looking for in a guy, I couldn’t think straight so I just told him that as long as he wants me, I can be with that guy. He said he wanted me and touched my arm and shoulder in a very creepy way. He almost touched my boob but I moved. I couldn’t say no, I was afraid.

Mid July ‘22

He asked me to babysit his kids. I didn’t really know where he went, didn’t really wanna know either. Things went well, we went back to his house and I left immediately.

End of July ‘22

I was looking for support group because I felt like I needed it more than seeing a counselor. A friend of mine suggested to see someone who usually deals with victims of sexual harassments but not exactly a counselor or something. I asked for their contact and agreed to see them early August.

At the same time, I shared my story on Instastory without telling my followers that it was my story. I did a polling on whether or not what he did was a harassment or not and 100% of the voters voted yes. That gave me a hope because I thought this whole time I was being too much.

Early August ‘22

On the first weekend of August, I met the person I mentioned before. I thought that they’re gonna say that it was nothing, that it was all just me being too dramatic and the actual problem wasn’t that big. They said the opposite things. They said that it was very complex because not only it was a personal problem, but there were other problems in it, like age gap and power relation. I felt really relieved after meeting them. They also told me that I had to be fully free from him which means I had to stop working with and/or for him. I said that I could stop being his personal assistant but I didn’t think I could stop teaching his kids. They needed me.

The following Monday I had to teach him which means I had to go to his house. That day also happened to be a birthday of one of my students who was also a friend of his kids, so we decided to go there together. Before teaching, I told him that I needed to talk to him after the class. He agreed but after minutes of waiting, he said that we better did it on the birthday party. Funny. So we met there, I had to wait for him to approach me but it’s like he got stuck on his seat. I had to be the one who came to him and told him that I was ready to talk. There was some interruption by the kids or other people. He still had the chance to talk to one of the people there why they didn’t invite his team member. The person said that his team member was actually at that place (they weren’t) and he asked the person to call him to join us. To join us, when I was about to talk to him??? Chicken move I have to say.

It was really difficult for me to say the stuff. I almost broke and cried but I held all the anger and tears I had left. I asked him whether he still needed my assistance or not in which he didn’t answer directly. He just told me that he wasn’t busy anymore. “I want to stop working for you as your assistant,” was the thing I finally said. “You don’t need any more assistance, right? You could do anything now. I’m not needed anymore.”

“Okay,” he finally said something. I didn’t mean to be arrogant or something, but I kinda expected an apology or gratitude. Instead of giving those, he asked, “How much do I owe you?”

“I don’t know, I don’t care.” I was disappointed that he brought up money instead. That was not the big issue.

I asked the same thing just to make things fair, he said the same thing.

I then left from the party.

August ‘22 - present

I still teach his kids. I was thinking to stop teaching them after they moved to their new house but it was very obvious that they still needed me. I thought I could leave them with him and his new girlfriend, but she didn’t even brush the kids’ hair like I did, he was mad when he explains math questions to his kid, and his kids still desperately need more attention and help from me.

(All conversations above were in Indonesian, I wrote the English version because I am more comfortable this way).

0 notes