Huh...

Here it is. I figured it out!

Basically for the past five years I have been in this nonstop funk that I refused to address. Getting fired, spouse getting fired, major change in income, daughter with chronic illness and you have no idea what to expect...these things will mess you up. 

I had declared this year “The Year of Getting Un-Effed!” and I think Anne would agree. Allow me to be an open book because I don’t know ya’ll. We have been in major debt from medical bills, student loans, and that’s about it but it’s a lot. When you’re overwhelmed like I was, it’s hard to even address it. The thought of even making a phone call to talk about how to even start paying off some of this debt made me ill. So I did what any problem solver would do...I ignored it, all of it. Obviously! 

Anyway, I can now say that over the past few months I have taken the plunge and made the calls. They were not a big deal at all. It was basically, “You’re poor, pay $20 a month, can you do that?” “Barely, but yes!”

Do we still have a ton of bills to pay? Absolutely! But we have a plan in place. 

Are there still calls to be made? There will always be calls to be made but I’m more confident now.

Is our credit crap now? Yep, but getting much better.

Probably the biggest epiphany that I had today has been why I had obsessed (not a stretch) over theatre shows and what I could audition for next even though that is not my profession and I have a family to be with. Honestly, I was thinking I was greedy and just wanted to be recognized and have the chance to perform. Don’t get me wrong, it is part of that but I tonight I realized a bigger part; to get away. There are zero marriage problems, I love being with my kids, I love my job. 

So why did I want to get away Monday - Sunday nights for 6 weeks give or take? The bills, the stressors, the stressors stressing my spouse. Although I was working all day, I’m also worrying in the back of my mind all day about money and people I need to call and when will I be able to get through but I can’t call when I get home because I need to spend time with my family before Anne leaves for piano lessons but if I spend time with family when I get home all offices will be closed and I will never get through I could call during my plan time or lunch at school but lunch is short and I have a meeting every day in my plan time let alone needing to...you know, plan!

That’s just a little insight on my thoughts everyday for the past 5 ish years. 

I love GIFs by the way. 

The shows had little to do with being a professional actor and getting paid. Yes, it’s way cool to say, “Teacher by day, actor by night” but I in no way wanted a career in it. This past time was with a great group of people and I loved most of every minute of it but it really stressed Anne out. After talking about it, she wanted me to help more. I got it and I was angry with myself for not doing something so simple. In my mind, I was helping because I was constantly thinking of the things I need to do and how to do it (i.e. phone calls, bills, etc.) that I thought I was helping. However, none of that is visual. 

The past 3 days I have been at a teaching workshop about Conscious Discipline. A big focus before you can use CD on students is to have Self-Care. This clicked for me. THIS is what I was doing but I was not allowing room for Anne’s self-care. I was taking care of me and only me. Now that these stressors are lowered, it’s much easier to be a positive person and make room to help someone else have a break. I’m really trying to do more for her now. Small gestures that will hopefully go a long way (pick up the living room every night, clean the kitchen). It’s so much easier to take on someone else's stress when yours are less. 

This doesn’t mean I will stop the self-care for me and I will most likely continue to perform probably once a year but I will keep up the help and be more considerate. 

I know Conscious Discipline is a lot of cheese but it works and it makes since so there. 

Happiness and Hard Work

A lot of thinking and anxiety has happened over here. I think it’s mostly me. I’m definitely not at rock bottom, I think I’ve been there so anything else is just meh to me from now until the next awful thing.

I’ve been doing some thinking about occupations along with happiness. I’m currently technically working/will be working 4 jobs for the summer. I will get my teacher pay throughout the summer, I’m teaching summer school KINDERGARTEN, I’ll be teaching summer school in my new school district, and I’m working at the nursing home anytime Anne isn’t at lessons or I am not at summer school or church. 

Tonight I was working at the nursing home and I had plenty of time to just think as I was setting up tables for breakfast the next morning. Working in dietary at a nursing home is wildly different than teaching. Shocking, I know. The main difference I see is pure happiness. In teaching, although some teachers may not be truly happy with the current position, they are genuinely happy with life. In dinning, at least at this nursing home, everybody is zero amount of fun. Nobody smiles, jokes around, or laughs hardly ever. It’s pretty uncomfortable and I feel out of place. Most employees at the nursing home are high school or college students. Some adults work there and we are the hardest workers by far and I think it’s because we are doing this for our families. 

If you were to ask Anne, she could tell you that I do not like this nursing home job. Strangely, tonight I was really OK with it. Not that I want to work there forever but I had this overwhelming feeling of knowing that I’m doing everything I can for my family. I had a little break down a couple of nights ago because I was feeling as if my wife is consistently unhappy and I don’t know what to do. I get more upset when my significant other is upset than when I am upset or unhappy. 

That’s probably natural. Anyway, I said some odd things that I didn’t mean and Anne made it clear that she knows I’m doing all that I can and she wishes she could contribute more. Here’s the honest truth that I finally became OK with: we ARE doing everything we can. Between the 2 of us, we’re working 6 jobs this summer and we’re still going to barely slide by. Sure, it feels like we can’t catch a break when I finally get paid and we have to spend $500 on car repairs, pay HOA dues, and then the AC starts acting up. We’ve been moving around money for about 2 years now in order to meet basic needs and somehow we are also finding ways to occasionally have some fun. For the longest time, I have felt like I wasn’t doing enough but I have finally decided that there is no way I could do more. Not just me, but we. Anne does everything she can too. Somebody needs to stay home with our kids, especially Ivy since she needs a lot of medical attention at least once a week. WE are doing everything we can.

With this being said, I guess the main thing I want my kids to know is to do everything you can for the people you love. 

In other news, I finished my first professional production of “Annie Get Your Gun” a couple of months ago and I just booked another professional production of “Assassins” which will be a year from now. I’m getting paid to sing and act! I can officially say that I’m a teacher and professional actor! 

I wish my kids knew...

I am broke but happy. It’s a weird feeling but important for kids to know...someday, not now. Now kids should live in ignorant bliss. By kids, not just Ike and Ivy, but also my students. Tomorrow is the last day of school and we literally have $3 to live off of until Friday with checks that may or may not put us in the negatives. I wish my students knew because they might be disappointed tomorrow when I don’t bring in treats or some end of the year Pinterest cute get outta here gift. I can’t very well tell a bunch of 10 year olds how I have $3 in my figurative pocket and I’m not spending it on them. 

However, things are going so well for us despite the continuous financial woes that I can’t help but to be happy. I finally have a job in the district where so far I would like to stay for the rest of my teaching career, there’s potential extra money for us over the summer, and I just have the best, supportive, loving family. It’s cliche but love conquers all. Really though, it does. 

2015

Ike and Ivy,

2015 has been, by far, one of the hardest years of my life. Finding out about Ivy having HPE on Ike’s birthday was a horrible day. That night, I had a rehearsal for Berlin to Broadway with Kurt Weill, a musical review in which one of the first songs I had to sing was about a man who had something going on with a prostitute, who ended up pregnant and they aborted. Not the best song to sing on the same day that you find out your daughter has a 3% chance of survival. Ironically, this lead to a good performance of this song. Talk about digging deep for emotions. Depression, anxiety, and a lot of breaking down and blaming myself for various things stemmed from this. None of which has ended.

Shout out to Anne. She is truly my rock. She has handled everything way better than I ever could. Depression has lead to us having financial qualms countless times. Today is not any different. We have battled insurance issues and still are today. That is a majority of the problems we have faced post-Ivy’s arrival. When I break down and cannot handle it, Anne and her calm persona gently tells me that we have done all that we can do, let’s not worry about it now. Anne is a natural mother, so loving and kind and doesn’t let things stir her emotions. This is most likely because we have endured so much that we aren’t fazed by much anymore. 

Not only this example, but the way she speaks to Isaac when I am at my wits end. She will calmly talk to him about what he needs to do. It doesn’t always work but she doesn’t let him get to her. At Christmas time, we spent on each other a combined amount of $20. We wanted our children to have the gifts. This is saying something for me because my side of the family has always been really big on gift giving. Anne, Isaac, and Ivy have shown me how to truly enjoy Christmas.

Although it feels like it was a horrible year, based on the quality of the bad things that have happened, the quantity outweighs it:

1. First memorable event was receiving the 2014-2015 Teacher of the Year Award for my school. Granted, I think a lot of it was because I pushed through the hard times with Ivy’s diagnosis and kept coming to work. What was I supposed to do?

2. Ivy being born and being OK. We didn’t know what to expect as far as quality of life for her. So many things were uncertain until she was born. She could have had trouble breathing or eating and need a feeding tube. Worst of all, she could have only survived for a couple of hours. We were thrilled when we were able to leave after about 3 or 4 days in the hospital. She is 6 1/2 months old now and still going strong.

3. Isaac playing football and starting preschool this year. It has been a complete joy taking Isaac to school with me on Tuesdays and Thursdays and seeing how much he loves preschool. It was also a complete joy watching him play tiny football. He is my best bud!

4. We became Baptist. It was a tough decision that we don’t regret. We began going to a new church and there are 9 other kids around Isaac’s age as apposed to 2 or so that were near his age at our old church. He loves going to church now and it’s wonderful to see.

5. Hard work finally paying off. After I had a couple of coaching sessions with a guy from NYC, I have finally made my first professional theater show! Sure, it’s Annie Get Your Gun and I might have partially made it because I’m brown and there’s native americans in the show, but there’s other people she could have cast if she didn’t like me. Also, the show is wildly racist and sexist. Should be fun!

6. Lastly, I finally have some sort of connection to the school district that I live in. I have an idea of how to obtain a job in my district now. \

Hopefully 2016 will go easy on us!

The worst blogger

Depression: feelings of severe despondency and dejection. I don't even fully understand this definition but I know I'm feeling it. Anxiety: a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. I do understand this and I know I'm feeling it. This is quite possibly the worse blog ever. I had original plans of filling it with insightful writings for my children to read one day along with humorous anecdotes about my kids. It has turned out to be constant whining from a depressed and anxious dad. I just had my bi-weekly chat with Anne on how I'm feeling with my depression as of late. Sure, I have reasons to feel the way I feel. Our daughter has a severe brain defect and high muscle tone, we are in constant debt, 1/4 of our family has health insurance, etc. you get the picture. Anyway, our chat is the same as always, I complain about how I'm a self-loathing person and I can't take care of us and whatnot. Along with worrying about immediate problems, I worry about distant future problems, I'm talking when Isaac is in college distant! Ridiculous, I know. I can't help it. I'm constantly anxious and I'm sometimes anxious about being anxious. I often feel as though there is nobody to talk to about this. Yes, Anne is my best friend but I don't want her to feel anxious about me. We have recently left our comfortable church because all of our friends were leaving, our new church is nice but it's hard to get to know people. I only really write on this blog because I picture all of you being imaginary with the exception of Anne but she's not learning anything new on here. Isaac, I have so much hope for you in the future. I truly hope that you do not experience any of these feelings for an extended amount of time. I hope you find an understanding wife who understands your hurt like your mom does with me. Do any of you deal with depression and anxiety issues? If so, how do you handle it?

Pee

I wish Isaac knew that I don't like it when he pees on the hallway floor. Isaac - "Daddy, I think you might be right, maybe I shouldn't go potty on the floor." Maybe he does know...

8 Dollars

I hope my kids know to be mindful of others. To be considerate before losing your cool. It has been awhile since I've written. This was mainly an outlet for me to grieve when we didn't know what was going to happen with Ivy. Miraculously, she has had no issues so far. Most people on here follow Anne's blog so you probably already know the details. I think I'm finally coming to the point where things have slowed down enough to where I can kind of relax as far as Ivy goes. I had an experience yesterday where I was SO angry with myself. I mean, irrationally angry with myself. Anne claims that I was hangry which is probably true but I was fasting so I could eat all the delicious food at the theatre buffet we were going to for my birthday. My mom had given me a Kohls gift card and Anne's parents gave me some birthday money. I decided to go there and get some new pants for work. I know, I'm going a little crazy for the big 3-0. Anyway, after much debating with myself, I had decided on one pair that were more then I would ever want to pay for one pair of pants. Anne insisted so I went for it. After waiting awhile in line we moved to a new lane which had an elderly man working it. After he rang up our items I handed him the gift card which would cover all except $30. Naturally I would use the gift card first and then pay the rest. The man got very confused and accidentally rang up my cash first and then the gift card. Instead of getting my cash back, I got Money leftover on the gift card. The man was fiddling with the machine a lot, and didn't really realize what he did. Now, this is the point where I had two choices. I could speak up and have him re-ring it all up and use the gift card first, and then the cash. Or I could choose to just be cool with the money I have left on my gift card. I chose the latter of the two. I would consider myself a pacifist but I don't think that's why I did it. The man wouldn't have argued with me. It could have been the pressure of the people in line behind me, the anxiety of wanting food, or I just felt bad for him and his confusion and didn't feel like dealing with it. In the car, I may have made a scene to Anne. Just being angry with my 30 year old self for not stepping up and saying something about this money. And on and on. Then I quickly remembered one of the many reasons why I married my hot wife, she set me straight. All she had to say was, "Simon, it's $8..." I quickly figured out I was making a huge deal over an $8 difference. I may had been a little over dramatic and she may have been right about being hangry. The point is, Ike and Ivy - when faced with situations like this, ask yourself if it's really worth it to make someone else frustrated/angry to get your way? This elderly man honestly thought he did right. He was already reaching the point of frustration since the store was busy and he was having issues with the registar. Take in everything that is going on, would it really be worth someone else's frustration and unhappiness for you to get $8 back?

I wish Ike knew...

I wish Ike knew how much we really love him. I mean, he's fully aware of the love we have but at his age, he won't know what a big difference he's making in our lives. Right now, Anne is at the doctor because we're concerned she has cholestasis which is where bile can get through to the baby. I'm at home with Ike and a boy Anne babysits. I just put Ike down for a nap and he's snuggled up right next to me. This is exactly what I need when we are about to enter a pivotal moment in our lives. Before going to sleep and just now for nap lately, Ike likes to hear a made-up story about specific animals as well as a song about animals. It's really sweet. Here lately, I've realized that I shouldn't blame God for our suffering with all this Ivy stuff. God wouldn't create a disabled child let alone cause a stillbirth. I'm to the point where I believe, I HAVE to believe that we have free will and things like this just happen. It's nothing we have intentionally done. Nevertheless, God will be there to help us get through it. Hence my sweet son today. I'm not going to pray for a miracle for many reasons. Could God heal Ivy? Absolutely, if He wanted to. Why would he help us and not others who need it? It's an age old question. What do others believe? Especially those that are atheist or agnostic. I'm not asking for you to convince me otherwise. I'm just curious.

I wish my kids knew...

Preface: This has potential to be especially sappy but if there were a juncture in my life where I was allowed to be sappy, it would be now. I wish my kids knew that Mom and I are doing ok. I think we have both reached that point where we are hoping for the best but we are prepared for the worse. Personally, I think I was struggling much more than Anne. Not saying that it hasn't been hard for her but she immediately knew she wanted Ivy no matter her diagnosis. I struggled with this. Don't get me wrong, yes I want my daughter more then anything. However, 3% of these children survive through childbirth. 3%! It pains me to say this, but I could not stop thinking that if she were to die, let it happen sooner rather than later. We would remember her for sure and create memorabilia, but we could also move on faster. You have to understand that even if she survives through birth, there is still a small percentage that she lives up to 6 months. People in general naturally worry that their newborn won't wake up during the night for no apparent reason. We will have all the reason in the world to think this, every day. She will most likely have issues with seizures, regulating body temperature, living with a feeding tube, breathing, among many other possibilities. Despite all of this, now that we have entered the last month of pregnancy, I am there. I can honestly say that I don't care. I want her. Even if she lives for just a few hours, I want to make the most of it and experience our time with her while we can. I'm finally able to talk little by little to Isaac about her. I'm finally able to put my hand on Anne's belly and talk to Ivy a little bit. I'm finally hoping! We have t-shirts that say, "Hope University" through the organization that brings awareness to HPE. I can finally wear the shirt and feel the hope.

I wish Isaac knew...

I wish Isaac knew how badly I want a sibling for him. Yes, he knows mom is pregnant with his sister but we never ever talk about it. We do tell him that she is very sick and may not come home from the hospital. I have my moments where it is all too hard and I just check out. Then I put the facade back up and people think I'm handling the devastation so well. I have learned that you can reach a point where everything is so bad that you just give up and shut down. I've been there a few times. I'm worried that this will happen after Ivy is born. I can't let this happen, I know Isaac will need me to be there. I don't want to traumatize him through this experience. I want to shield him from all of the pain we're in. Fortunately, he is too young to understand. Anne and I mostly cry behind closed doors. I'm so thankful I have Anne to vent to and speak my mind. But there is only so much I feel you can tell your spouse before you fear that you are hurting them with your own pain. I had some really good friends in college. I'm bitter toward them because they are not pulling through in my time of need. There, I said it. Sure, it would be awkward but at least I would know that they cared enough to say something, anything. This is why Isaac needs a sibling. He needs somebody that HAS to be there. Being the only child, I often feel like I have nobody. Especially if Ivy lives, this can't be the only sibling experience for him. He will need someone to vent to, to be there for him, to be there for, someone to rely on.

I wish my daughter knew...

I wish my daughter knew how scared I've been. I have never gone through anything like this before. I once lost my cousin but that's very different. Sure, we were close at one time but we grew apart and hardly ever saw one another. My daughter isn't born yet and I'm realising more and more that she may never live. Anne and I tell ourselves that we feel like she's strong but what do we really know? I wish she knew that I'm scared of her dying but I'm terrified of raising someone who has so many needs that I don't know I can mentally handle. I can hardly function now and we don't even know what the outcome is yet. I wish she knew how badly we want her. I wish she knew that I regret every little dad joke I have ever said before finding out the gender. All of the"Ugh, girls, I don't know what I would do with a GIRL!" things I've said. It doesn't matter. I would love her, that's what I'd do. There is nothing more that I have always wanted then multiple children. I grew up as an only child and I always wanted siblings. I wish she knew how painful it is to watch days go by while thinking that we will either need to wait awhile longer for Ike to have a sibling or he will have a disabled sibling. It is not the true sibling experience I would want for him. I know that sounds selfish but it's the truth. Most of all, I wish she knew how I've turned away from God. I can't help it. I've always considered myself a Christian but never particularly close to God. I would typically pray when praising Him or just through general routine. Now I can't even do that. My prayers lately are telling God that I don't know what to say and I leave it at that. I feel like there should be more. I should ask for help, for guidance, for strength. Nothing. I can't do it, I've tried. It's not even that I blame God. It's almost that I don't believe he will help me. It sounds bad but those are real thoughts and feelings. I have managed to spit out a request to heal her. I say, "God, heal her if you want to." I know he has the power but does he want to heal her? I would be the most God fearing man around if that did happen but I'm also aware that the chances are slim. I constantly think that I am not a strong enough person to carry this load. I wish she knew that it sucks knowing that you are coming but purposely avoiding any excitement for her arrival. Her room will not be painted. She won't have a ton of new clothes or girly things. When it comes down to it, we do want her but it's just easier right now to not be excited. Lastly, I want her to know that her dad really does love her. I have never once blamed her for this. That sounds silly to say but I want to make that clear. I'm just angry that she won't be normal. Not in a selfish way but in a way that I know she won't have the experiences other girls will have. This will always be hard. At the very least, I hope I get to meet her.

First Post

This blog is dedicated to all of the things I wish my kids knew. It's inspired by an activity I did with my students called "I wish my teacher knew..." which was a real eye opener for me and my colleagues. That got me thinking about the current grief that I am going through as well as all of these things that I wish my son knew. This blog is mainly for me. To get bottled up feelings out there. To have some sort of outlet. I have blogged some on my wife's tumblr page but I thought it might be a good idea to start my own for my own benefit. For you as a reader, I'm just asking to be heard. I know I don't know you and you don't know me but that's the beauty of all this. In brief, my wife and I are expecting our second child, a girl who has been diagnosed with holoprosencephaly. It is a brain disorder where she has a 2-3% chance of surviving through birth. This has obviously been really difficult for our family. I like to tell myself and other people that I'm doing fine. I'm really, really not. Anne, my wife, is handling this like a pro. I admire her ability to keep it together. Basically, this is my place will I will type the thoughts that I could never tell my kids or that I want to tell them when I'm older. Just to get it out there.