I can’t stop crying

First pride. So fun and interesting and open. The male stripper at the gay bar was very into me

First festival performance. Me so cute. Much fun that day

Pobrecita. No clue how sick with love I would grow for this person. A fever dream of sensitive passions with no merit.

Fiji Water w/ Sean Stormm 2/3. Ice cream man is fine

The counterpart to Soul Ties plus more of me

First session for Soul Ties pt. 1

6 Days

Until the EP release. We’ve done so much yet somehow there’s more to do. I pray the event is special and the music is well received. I’ve had a good amount of existential moments leading up to this point. I’ve been more responsible in some areas but I just can’t seem to get a grip in others. I’m honestly still spun on how things unfolded with L*****. For once I gave a nigga enthusiastic energy, transparency, submission, femininity, support, trust and open authenticity. No guards, no hassle and all received I was a metaphorical slap in the face, from his past, from his present, from the things he did and the things he thought I didn’t see. Men will always say that a woman is reading into things but the reality is that many of them are extremely calculated, yet still sloppy. If I knew he was only good for dick, or only had dick to give I would have adjusted to that capacity. Everyone could have gotten what they wanted without anyone (me) getting hurt. It’s funny though, the way I see ****** as some divine and statuesque physical manifestation of the regal essence of a black man is the same way I viewed L***** mental declarations. Maybe I was in love with the music. The lyrics painted a picture of a nigga I could trust and build with. Someone with morals, depth, emotional intelligence and the capacity for true intimacy. But that shit is just entertainment I see. Luckily my prototype ****** is still in my orbit for me to safely land upon when the journey out of this fucked up galaxy detonates.

pt. 1

This past month has been terrible in relation to romantic affairs. I really believed ***** was this righteous, deep-thinking, conscience and forthright type of black man. I didn’t want to give him the treatment I gave others - suspicious, cold and guarded. I met him with warmth and openness. Showing the potential of a blissful, loving and stable connection. At this moment it’s hard to reflect on those pleasing moments because they feel distant to me. But for now I can tell you about the beginning of the end.

Before leaving abruptly to ATL for what would turn into two weeks, it felt like we could have been inseparable. The first week was almost through and I expected his return in a few days. So far our communication while he had been away seemed healthy and promising still. That was until the day he failed to return my texts and calls — which was also the same day a social media scandal dedicated to exposing him had bled into my life as someone I knew personally had reposted content of his leaked visuals with a caption accusing him of owing money, refusing to pay, and even alluding to his involvement in closeted homosexual activity.

With one click I had discovered a highlight fixed at the forefront of this young lady’s instagram profile documenting the origin of the missing money, complete with screenshots and receipts. None of this information was flattering but he admittedly shared the details surrounding this situation weeks earlier, and although her story was told through a scorned lens, I appreciated his honesty, as most of what was shared on her highlight aligned with his disclaimers —except for one thing. His feverish search history seeking black transgender escorts in the DC area, accompanied by arguable screenshots and incredulous voice notes that did nothing but create more questions. I didn’t have a certain feeling about any of the new information but it did add to the frustration I already was feeling with his failure to return my calls. The only thing that was certain was that the malicious attempt to sander ******, his brand and reputation screamed immaturity and even in my state of utter disappointment in who he turned out to be, I still believe that no one deserves that treatment. However this was once a close associate of his that he was sexually involved with, despite the existing age gap and resulting differences in mental capacity. So what does that say about him? I’m still not really sure but it does explain why she would have even gave a man enough money to complain about losing to begin with, that’s some young ass shit to do.

Noni’s Birthday at Filomena