https://soundcloud.com/coyoterun/love-from-far-away

https://soundcloud.com/stilled/dry-dream

https://soundcloud.com/stilled/landed-on-a-light

https://soundcloud.com/stilled/love-from-far-away-demo

though it’s not done until i am brave enough to say it is done,

i think i am ready.

my heart is ready to let go of addictions.

i’m ready to be free.

i’m ready to love.

thank you for being such an amazing teacher, in taking everything i had until there was nothing left, and so leaving me to the real good nothing left- my heart is calm underneath. i know i need to be around people i can open my heart around. i know i need to navigate and be brave, steadfast and alive.

https://soundcloud.com/stilled/drummy

the overwhelming life pouring intercesssantly throughout chambers of my heart, the disgusting dreams of inaccesible beauty, glowing arches outside of heaven, the sharp pangs of my love darting outwards and slicing back in in straight shots of arrowed light, i can see them on the street we’ve walked on together----ouch, the dreams, the life, i’m wild with it, fuck,,,, it is pioneering the way back to home self to life home mysterious and unknown- the place you dont know how to get to or get back from the placeless place the place that you are, fuck! who knows cuz you’re inside of it! this is all pioneering artistic vision which is nothing but a fucking crazy spirit in me wriggling from unknown dreams a secret life-- and i aint singing about secrets anymore darling! i’m singing about the things we’ve seen even though we know we’l never see them again!!!! even though nothing is real and yet something in my heart and throat is making me nauceous as if something reall were real! as if something still mattered! it’s going outward now to find COSMIC FAMILY COSMIC FAMILY because nothing else is reasl so even though i’m becoming largely outside of myself i am becoiming into myself anew- who fucking knows- i am manic and angry with life, its pouring out of me like a ripping scream were a clawing child crawling from my womb to my throat and out- ouch! is this the singing or is this just my intameable desire- who knows and who knows where it’ll lead me- christ- am i good? is it leading to the good or am i just falling, falling far far far far away from love, and is life nothing real but only a semblance of my self absorbed imaginings,,, i aint fucking seeking- i aint trying to fucking pretend i’m happy- i aint walking around cities as a lost 20 year old pretending coffee and microbrews and shitty fuckin shit are making me happy, i’m no fucking sheep, at least there’s that- if there’s any other mother fuckers out there who feel what i’m feeling, there’s something fucking inside of me creeping crawling trying to get out and find you, i don’t know what it wants but to eat you whole.

i feel so full of life, i feel so much bigger than him, so much wider, so much deeper...

i just came

i do believe blame is just our way of filling in the spaces between our deepest desire and someone else’s limitations. we don’t want any limitations. it hurts to not have somewhere for love to go.

underneath it is a powerful knowing and longing for soul friendship. i know my family, and when they can’t be mine, it has been the worst pain. but even worse when it gets turned into self hate.

i know now that i’m experiencing this all to learn that morality is just a gap. maybe so is free sex. both are ways to cope with limitations and wanting to be accepted.

we all want the same things, and i’m reduced at last for a moment, my heart not screaming for things to be another way, my body not plagued with nausea and firey rage from rejection and jealousy.

i realized how much i hated myself when i realized i’d rather die than give up on him...

i’m so terrified of either and all ways.

https://soundcloud.com/stilled/sea

it still hurts, not sure what. i want their love. i think the pain is my shitty family...

finally the lessons are coming at me in my sleep and waking, clarity came with the underlying belief that nothing else was more important, and i sure believe it.

my entire relationship with max was based on the belief that not enough love surrounded me. i was supposed to suffer for love, it was delusional.

thank god for rex, even if it hurt. the universe gave me a reflection of the utter opposite, which was my worst fear. someone i thought was so beautiful, embodied all the beliefs that nourish me, someone that believes in love but doesn’t love me. someone that would disprove my need for my own beliefs because he would show me that they were incompatible with love itself. but that’s not true either.

i’ve been pushing the world away because i thought not enough love could ever surround me. i thought it was evil and against me. so i’ve been pushing away the love i could have, that could really reach me in my marrow.

seeing someone that i think is worth all this love was like an explosion, i gave him all my energy that had been storing up for years, i loved him like a long surge of lightning, i gave him everything within with no reservation, partially because i knew he wouldn’t take it and somewhere i wanted someone i could love without being loved, because i had to learn before i accept love that

the only person worth all of that love is myself.

the only person that can have all that love from me, is myself...until further notice.

so when he fucked ashlyn in front of me at symbiosis, it was traumatic and the image haunts me every day, but i think the universe divinely put that situation in my life, because that night, oliver walked with me for hours in the dark to find all my friends, and it was somewhere i just knew they loved me, and they didn’t have to prove it. i knew love surrounded me.

so there, the universe didn’t have to prove it against my suspicion as much as download it in my body and re-inspire my true self, completely faithful and knowing, resting in this love. such is friendship.

rex held a huge mirror back to me, whether with his words of love or his actions of hurt. he kept telling me to love myself, to be with what is. and to be with what is is to love myself, i see that finally. i can see, i just be with things, me with things arising, i learn, sometimes i love and am loved directly, most times in much more mysterious ways and i ought to intimately find those ways again, without giving myself completely to an illusion of someone. but that was what i needed at the time. now it’s coming back to me in a real way. before i was forcing it. 

now no one needs to prove anything to me because i already know. i know opening up to the world doesn’t make me vulnerable because i’m just opening up to myself. i know everything is in its right place and i must know i’m not responsible, i repeat, not responsible any longer for max and his toxic mental illness and draining belief system. i do not partake in his duality and i believe in oneness. though it is tempting to spend more energy disproving his shit, again, i don’t have to. i already know, so does the universe. that’s why it doesn’t spend time on our bullshit. it loves its true self too ecstatically and constant.

we need each other to bloom to our highest potential. i’m so sick of this cultural belief that we hold each other down or make each other miserable. we are denying life and it’s fucking miserable and boring and i fucking hate it. everyone wants to love, how can we collectively get rid of the beliefs that we hate each other, that we’re all not madly in love with each other? let us move on toward that...

https://soundcloud.com/stilled/nerves