Can’t get a break

If it’s not one thing, it’s another. Since getting off the BC, then cramping and pains haven’t been as awful, which is great, but for the past two weeks my teeth have decided to be in terrible pain. My remaining wisdom tooth has broken off even more and the nerve keeps getting hit by food and drinks or just from me grinding my teeth. The bottom back molar right under it is all fucked up, too. It has a cavity and I’ve been grinding my teeth for so many years that it’s worn down extremely. It also doesn’t help that for over five years I was severely depressed and did not take care of myself much, so brushing and flossing were not top priority. So even though I now brush, occasionally floss, and use mouthwash, my teeth have horrific damage. The past just finds a way to fuck with me. 

I have a dentist appt tomorrow at four, but damn it is not soon enough. I woke up at 5:30 this morning with the worst mouth pain that I’ve yet to have. I was shaking, had tears welling ups, was nauseated, it was fun. It was like that for just over a half an hour and then calmed down enough where I could function. If I didn’t have a shit ton of shipping to do at work, I would have just stayed home in my warm bed. I’m hoping that the dentist will just take out the offending teeth and that will be that, but I have a feeling it will be much more involved. There is definitely an infection in one of the teeth, so who knows what issues that is going to cause tomorrow. 

Yea, so that’s it. I realized I hadn’t written in awhile, so that’s my shitty update. Fucking yay. 

Don’t take Lyrica

I have been prescribed Lyrica twice. The first time was two years ago and my insurance denied it, the second time I had not issues getting it approved. I started taking it last Friday night and it hasn’t been good. I am constantly tired, absolutely ravenous, my head won’t stop pounding, and the pain has not subsided. If I keep feeling like this by next Friday, I will definitely stop taking it. But then the fun part of that is that it can’t just be stopped cold turkey. Fucking cool. I’ve already been through this same shit with Cymbalta. After this, I’m done trying meds that are aimed at helping the nerve pains. It’s really not worth the money and side effects at this point. 

That’s really all I’ve got. My head hurts too bad to even write more. I just want to go home and crawl into my cave of a room.

I hate reporters

Reporters are absolute vultures. People are grieving and and trying to make sense of things, yet here these savages are approaching us and calling us asking for any little scrap of information. Fuck you and fuck 2020.

Pain

I am in pain. I overdid things this weekend, which aggravated the pain I was already in and has caused other issues. I pushed myself to do things so I could spend time with my family, only to end up losing out on time with them from being sick and in pain. This endless cycle is depressing. 

There isn’t much I want to write today. Just wanted to keep myself in check and make a post. This week is going to be rough. I have a bunch of overtime I need to do for work that also includes travelling for work on Thursday and Saturday. The overtime checks are always nice, but the overtime and travelling end up causing more health issues, so the pay does not outweigh the pain. Oh the joys of chronic pain and needing to adult. 

FML.

Well Ok Then

On Tuesday afternoon I had my follow up video call appt with my neuro. The good news, I don’t have Lupus and I don’t have any lesions and such that would be concerning. My bloodwork all looks mostly normal, no autoimmune issues present, just high bilirubin, which isn’t shocking. So what does she conclude? Fucking Fibromyalgia...which I have already been diagnosed with...by three other doctors...so now she wants me to start on Lyrica. Now I have heard horror stories about Lyrica and with my history of bad reactions to other fibro meds, I am super nervous. I am also not thrilled that she just basically is ok with that diagnosis and just wants to keep it at that. I have spent so much time and money, though, at this point, I just have to accept it. 

I am still trying to get an appt with my gyno to discuss surgery options, also, but last Wednesday when I tried to make an appt, I got transferred to the appt line, someone picked up, then just hung up on me. I didn’t even bother calling back to be put on hold and wait another 10 minutes. I really need to call the endo specialist down south and set up that appt. The shitty thing with that, though, is that’s going to involve me missing at least half a day of work because of the travel time. Fucking Endo. Shit, maybe all my issue really are just due to Endo spreading all over and fucking with my insides. Can’t really say until I can finally get a doctor to listen to me and go in to see. If I was a dude complaining about a pain in my asshole or balls, a doctor would set up appts left and right to have them taken care of asap. But because I have a uterus, fuck me, right? 

I’m going to end it here for today. I am in an immense amount of pain and I don't want to get even more fired up than I already am. 

BYE BYE

The Nexplanon is GONE! After 6 months of brutal hell, I finally got it removed yesterday. Thanks to my weird thing with needles, numbing, and nerves, it was a bit of a struggle to get it out. The NP had to use 2 syringes worth of numbing meds to get it so I wouldn’t feel the blade. Even after that, my nerves had me twitching and clenching like crazy. The NP was super funny and awesome, though. It drives me insane that so many people hate on Planned Parenthood. I’ve been to multiple locations and at every single one I was treated so amazingly well, had super helpful staff, nurses, NPs, and doctors. I’ve never once been made to feel uncomfortable or out of place. They have always had an immense level of professionalism and kindness. I realize that there are some outliners out there, and not all PPs are good places, but the ones I’ve been to have been top notch and I will continue to support their efforts. 

So now that the implant is out, I’m thinking of just giving my body a break for a few months. I want to purge the med as much as possible and see what fucked up side effects taper off. I’m seriously looking forward to not being such a damn basket case emotionally. Not breaking down and crying over every little thing will be a nice change. I like to think that I’m a lot more stable than that. Fingers crossed that things get better super fast. 

Oh great, I’ve made another thing that I want.

I made a pattern out of some of my shark teeth

WTF

Did I cry over my hoarded cute notecards getting used for something other than what I intended them for? You betcha! I cannot wait to have this implant taken out of my arm and not be as awful of a hormonal mess. 

Floor pillows are on sale today with code “FALLDEALS”

I made this design from the biggest tooth in my collection

Shit weekend

OK, so it wasn’t an absolutely shitty weekend, but it wasn’t fabulous. 

I’ll start with Friday, even though that’s not clearly not the weekend. I went to get my bloodwork done at a place that is 30 mins north of my house. I got there slightly early, signed in, thought I was good to go. WRONG! I get called to the window and was asked for my paperwork...the paperwork that was supposed to have been sent electronically from my doctor’s office the previous Friday...they had not sent anything. Cool. The office was also not open yet, but I tried calling anyway. After three calls and two separate phone numbers, I got the chick in the office who seems to hate me. I told her the situation and gave her the fax number, she said she would fax it asap. Well, 45 minutes later, they still had nothing, so I called again. She swears she faxed it, says she will fax it again, and also emails it to me. They still get no fax. I pull it up on my phone and offer to email it them so they can print it, but I’m told that is not possible. I took matters into my own hands and sent that shit right to one of their Bluetooth printers. So an hour and a half after getting there, they finally get me in and get all ten vials of blood drawn. I started to black out, in regular fashion, but came back around pretty quickly. I sat there for a bit, then sat in my car for awhile longer before starting my 50 minute trek to work. Oh and I hit almost every single red light on the way to work because US 1 sucks and has lights every quarter mile. Yea, so 17 miles of lights every quarter mile. Good times. Anyway, work wasn’t awful. I powered through it, even though I was in pain and a little out of it from the blood loss. After work we went and got food at a bbq place that we frequent. I got my typical salad with a side of pulled pork. I ended up feeling like total shit right after eating. The pains were not fun. We got home and just relaxed on the couch. 

Saturday morning I woke up before my alarm and was laying in bed when I heard a crash against the window and then another. I thought the dude was just messing with me. I got up, opened the shutters, and there was a hark staring back at me! We have mirrored windows so it couldn’t see me, but it went on with trying to fight its own reflection. I ended up videoing the encounter. After about a minute it flew away to the fence, where it sat for another minute, then it flew away. It was pretty wild. After that excitement, I got ready for my MRI and headed over there. The MRI took about 45 minutes and was crazy uncomfortable. My head was pounding and the back of my head was hurting so badly where is was touching the board. I had to have the contrast stuff injected, which was very uncomfortable, too. Yay nerve issues. Once it was all done and I was able to stand up, I was super disoriented, which hadn’t happened during the other scans, but it went away after about an hour. After leaving, we ended up going all over the place and stopping at all these random stores and buying a bunch of bullshit that we didn’t need, but it was fun. We made bacon wrapped jalapeños stuffed with tons of cheese and a pork tenderloin wrapped in bacon. 

Sunday involved sleeping in, then going to the flea market. We really didn't find anything super exciting there since a lot of vendors still haven’t come back. I did score some cute Gingher bird scissors, though. We got back home and I pulled up a bunch of old plants and weeds to put in the composter. I repotted a bunch of seedlings, also. Meanwhile, it was hot as all fucking hell, so I was sweating my brains out, feeling like I was going to pass out. I hadn’t eaten all morning and definitely hadn’t drank enough water, so I had no business being outside in that heat. I finally dragged my ass inside and went to eat, but I felt like such shit, I just drank water and took a shower. But of course, not before heaving a meltdown from feeling like shit and being stupidly hormonal, because fuck Nexplanon and Endo. I balled my eyes out in the shower, then got in bed. The dude encouraged me to eat and drink more water and just chill. I laid around until our smoked chicken wings were done. I managed to eat about 10 and then I tapped out. I spent the rest of the evening putting away clothes, watching SVU, and making new designs for my Redbubble. While in the bedroom I had kept hearing noises above me, and then out of nowhere I heard a bunch of scrambling and scratching. Then what sounded like a critter falling down behind the wall. I banged on the wall a bunch and the noises stopped. Shortly after, the dude heard the noises all the way out in the living room. He set traps immediately. I tried going to sleep early, but could not get comfortable and ended up rolling around until about midnight. Good times. 

Well, I certainly didn’t expect to ramble on this long about nothing. I’m in a weird mood this morning. Really hoping to hear from the doctor about my MRI and bloodwork. Obviously I want it all to be normal, but if it isn’t, i seriously hope she can give me some damn answers already.

OK. I need to end this. I’ve gone too far. Goodbye.

I can’t be the only one who loves cicadas, so I made this cutie into some stuff on Redbubble

Trying to stay afloat

I used to write daily. It had been a recommended activity as therapy. I would start out strong, writing page after page about my day, my struggles, my feelings, etc, but then suddenly I would taper off, only writing a few sentences, then skipping a day, then skipping a month, then a year. In my head I write mental notes constantly. My brain never shuts off, ever. My mind also has trouble retaining things that it should, but you bet your butt that it has remembered awkward and cringy encounters and it will replay them at random. 

So why am I suddenly sharing this useless information? Well, my health is failing more and more these days and I have decided that I need some kind of outlet. I have been doing more painting and crafty things lately that have helped distract me from pains and feeling down, but I need more. My mind has been total mush lately and my memory is getting worse. I’ve decided that I need to write again, at least weekly, to serve as another therapeutic crutch, as well as a way to remember things. 

So why do it publicly? I suppose I’ve chosen this route so I will be more inclined to actually stick with it. I honestly don’t expect anyone to actually read this, but hell, maybe someone will and someone can relate to my shit show.

What’s up with my health? Where do I even begin? For starters, I have had migraines for the majority of my life. The first one I can actually remember was when I was roughly five years old. It wasn’t until last year that I was put on Emgality and I finally have quite a bit of relief. Granted, I still get migraines, but they tend to be from allergies or hormonal bullshit and they do not last as long. I also have Endometriosis, which took thirteen years to get diagnosed. When I was 25 a doctor finally took me seriously, did the surgery, and found out what as causing some of my issues. I had a second surgery when I was 28, that involved removing more of the endo, as well as the removal of my left ovary and fallopian tube. At that time I was told that the endo had spread worse to my bladder, ureter, and bowels. It’s been over six years since that last surgery. I have seen seven gynecologists since then due to moving out of state. My current doctor is very nice, but also absolutely impossible to get an appointment with. So much so, that I had to make an appointment with Planned Parenthood just to get my Nexplanon implant removed. Oh, and why am I having the Nexplanon removed? It’s been total hell. I am fully aware that it does not treat Endo, but I had had one in before for two years and it was not a problem until towards the end of the second year. This time around, it has been bad since about week three or four. I have been on it for seven months now and it’s been terrible. I have been calling my doc’s office since August trying to get an appointment to get it out, only to be told that she’s booked up until the following month, yet they will not schedule me. I keep getting told to call back to see if there are any openings. The last time I called two weeks ago, I was told that there was nothing open until maybe December, but again, they would not schedule me, hence the appointment having to be made at PP, which was easy to get and there was only a two week delay. I’ll gladly take that over a two month delay. 

But what is really plaguing me now? So all my life I have had weird pains, twitches, and spasms. It is something I learned to live with since doctors have always dismissed these things. When I was 27, I decided I really needed to get more answers and was referred to a neurologist who did a bunch of tests and put me on Cymbalta. That shit is the absolute devil! I won’t go into much detail now, but it made me suicidal and my pains stayed the same. Detoxing from is was a truly scary journey. Anyway, he had suggested that I may have the first signs on MS and that I should get a MRI right away. Unfortunately, that did not happen, as I was in a very mentally and physically abusive relationship and he was against me having any kind of “radiation poisoning”. Fast forward all these years and things have been getting bad. The pains are more frequent and longer lasting. My mind seems to get mushier, I drop things a lot, I have fallen over quite a bit, I forget how to do things, I forget what I’m doing, I have to remind myself to swallow, I have to keep moving to distract myself from all the twitching and involuntary movements, and my emotions have been all over the place. Now I had told my new neuro this back when I first saw her last year, but she was more concerned about my migraines to start. She then went on to do nerve testing and a brain MRI, along with bloodwork, but those things mostly came back normal. But here we are in lovely 2020 and shit is getting real. I had an appointment with her last Friday and totally broke down. I had spent a week making a list of the weird shit that has been happening to my body and read it off to her. It wasn’t until then that she concluded that it sounds like I have an autoimmune disease. So now I have very extensive bloodwork scheduled for this Friday morning and a MRI of my neck on Saturday. Now obviously I do not wish to have another disease, as Endo has made my life enough of a hell, but I want answers and I am going to keep fighting until I get them. 

Yea, so this post went a little away from what I was going to originally write about, but this works, too. Essentially I would like to keep this up so I can document what’s going on health wise, but also document my art that I hope will help me through. I should also mention that I do have an amazing support system with my loving boyfriend, my family, and a few friends. My job is also very understanding which is so helpful. 

I will end it here for today, as I feel like I have already gone on too much of a typing spree. If anyone actually reads this and has any questions or input, please feel free to reach out. 

PS- I have not re-read this post because my mind says I cannot process all those words right now, so please excuse any typos and grammatical errors. Thx.

I made a sticker out of a little mushroom growing on my porch.