Making connections is such a terrifying thing. It’s funny because I hadn’t been struck by an overwhelming loneliness in such a long time-- and it’s even more pronounced now too. 

I find socializing so stifling, and something I prefer not to do but put tons of effort into anyway. Like, I think I’m interesting enough to carry a conversation but when I’m actually there, I get cut-off mid sentence, or people just flat out lose interest in hearing me out, and it’s so extremely frustrating because it happens no matter how genuinely I present myself. Finding people who aren’t interested in you isn’t anything new, but having it happen constantly is just so exhausting that I get absolutely disheartened sharing parts of myself to other people who don’t care.

Then I think I make such a good connection with someone, and I find a level of comfort I’ve never really had before, and no matter how I looked at it, it just made sense in every way I could think of. And I poured effort and dedication to make it work, and I, like them, did have my doubts. But what’s the point of giving in to these doubts if we’d both wanted something good to come of it? Uneasiness will always be a factor in taking risks for results. I grew so much as a person, and I pulled myself out of the lowest point of my life, as I was motivated to make myself better. Not just for them, but I would be lying if I said they were not a catalyst to change. And I thought my confidence and security in my position, knowing all the things I knew was completely solid. I thought finding someone who’d returned my feelings and was willing to see years ahead of us together would have been enough to get through anything. Distance, time, hardships, anything, as long as we had each other.

And then it wasn’t. And it wasn’t enough, nothing I had done felt like it was enough. What could I have changed? Despite reassurances to the contrary, I felt like I wasn’t worth all that. Despite knowing exactly what the circumstances were, I could not help but feel that it extend to me. It happened so quickly, it ended too soon. Better sooner than later, they probably thought, but I didn’t agree. I should take that as proof that it wasn’t meant to happen at all, but I couldn’t help but wonder why it wasn’t worth it, when I thought it was worth the world. 

I was ready to drop everything and be completely cut off from everything I knew to be with them, but it wasn’t the same for them to me. I could have fought for it, and argued against what they said, but how could I force someone already set on their path? And the answer is, I can’t. They decided on our behalf, without asking me first before coming to such a drastic conclusion, without finding some kind of compromise between the two of us and that clearly meant I wasn’t even part of the equation anymore. No matter what I said, it wouldn’t have changed their minds. So I agreed, even though my heart wasn’t in it. I agreed for their growth and their happiness, even if it completely broke me. I wanted the best for them, even if it was the most heartbreaking realization I’d had. Being with them made me change for the better- but their being with me just hindered them.

If that weren’t enough I catch myself wondering if everything I’d been told were just honeyed, sugarcoated words that meant nothing. It’s unfair to accuse them of that, but with how quickly they seemed to end things, and with how easy it was for them, it’s hard not to feel like they were empty words. It’s hard not to feel like I’d been stupidly lovesick over nothing, and that I had gotten ahead of myself and put too much effort and too little reason for them to stay at the same time. That they asked me to be more open and put my heart into it, they were the ones that coaxed me out of my hesitation, and for them to just drop me after overcoming that-- should be enough reason for me to realize how little they really thought of me. 

And I am so afraid of never finding anything like that again, anything “meaningful”. Connecting people has always been difficult for me, be it romantically or platonically. For it to fail to work out with one I feel strongly about, it’s unreasonable but I suddenly feel like there’s no point.  Even if it could happen again what’s the point of subjecting myself to heartbreak after heartbreak for nothing. I was never one to yearn to be with someone, and I was absolutely fine being on my own. It never bothered me before this, but here I am. I’m really pathetic. I’m tired of this topic and I want to stop and just move on, and think of the people who do think of me and are genuinely happy to have me around.

For measures of affection

the summit alone would not suffice–

would not illustrate– the depth,

the breadth of my affection.

That the gravity of ‘very much’

as a suffix to my declarations

could be condensed, wrung from

only the highest points

would be– to the adoration that thrives in the lulls,

in the pauses, in the corners and gaps–

a grave injustice.

And a most inane inaccuracy would be

to express how the stars breathing life,

and how the galaxies, melding,

could ever compare to

‘distance’ meaning nothing,

remembered only by the sight

of sunlight on a quiet evening.

the circumstances of severance

i wondered if by chance, you would discover this is love 

oh, i don't know what to do, about this dream and you

one moment here to stay and the next you're out the door

you're my cameo lover only here for a moment or two

{ mendacium }

"you never have to wonder, you never have to ask"

i'm used to your absence, your faceless distraction

you said it would be easy but I can feel the strain

ain't much that's dumber than pinning your hopes on a change in another

it's all I was after, but you couldn’t give it so I’m moving on

we've been pretending nothing's wrong far too long

Thank you very much, Sabie for taking the courage to speak out and voice what you've been feeling this whole time with clarity. It takes a lot to move past the emotional pain you'd experienced, and I appreciate and admire what you'd done. 

Now, I too, would like to speak with clarity and honesty. I am certain you've yet to hear the pure truth of our side, from our perspective. You may have heard it from others, but it is unfair to hear it without clarification or context directed at you. I will be blunt and honest with my truth, but by no means am I directing it as a personal attack. Please understand that I want you to grasp the full meaning when I say that, I too, love you dearly, but I also want you to understand the full implication of the reality of the situation. This is what it happened from our side– my side. You must be aware, that for your actions, you are not the sole victim. It is easy to flip the situation, in terms of who is wronged. Instead of, you being unable to join in, we can reverse it:

All you talked about was things we didn't understand collectively as a group, our current focus was RO, so we didn't know how to react and we couldn't relate to the things you talked about. It was emotionally toxic for us because we waited for you to come back, and we tried our best to invite for you and wait for you, every time. We went on our business of course, but we would have welcomed you easily, but you would rather be with your other friends. Where was Sabie? Why didn't she want to hang out with us anymore? She would rather play league than join us as a group, we were more than happy to help her.  In the rare moments she was there she never wanted to speak up to join with us, and she'd rather play with just a couple people from the guild. She didn't hang around where we sat. She was there but she didn't seem interested in us anymore, as a whole. We gave her so many chances to be with us, but she didn't want us anymore, she didn't find us interesting enough to make an effort to join our conversations.

It works both ways. There are always two sides to a story. 

What am I saying?

Does that mean we're 100% right in doing what we did and you're to blame? No.

What it means is that there are two sides to this story, and you considered the whole event as a collective effort to disregard you. You judged the situation from your perspective alone. Do I sound defensive? Hell yes, I am, I have every right to defend myself and the people I love. How was I supposed to know my friendship was being given a final judgment? How was I supposed to know that it was a "test", and the chances you gave were at its limit? It's not that I wanted to put up a charade to keep you. It's that I did not know you were at your limit in terms of suffering. We cannot read your mind. As callous as that sounds, friendship is a two-way street where you give and take and say things from your end, and listen to theirs.  We're not a singular collective entity. You cannot exercise judgment on us as a whole. We are made up of numerous people who came together because of our common interest in RO, and along the way we happened to pick up a couple new people. These new people are not your replacements. Please don't think of friendship as a competition. Just because we, or you, have new friends, doesn't make them "better versions" of older friends. People are different, naturally you meet people as you go along. If anything, I wish you'd met these people and tried to get to know them. They're funny and they fit in the group easily, and they're always willing to help out. 100% Duckling Parade material. More friends for you to get along with and talk to. I honestly trust them a lot. You are you, and they're them. They're separate people. 

 I'm not saying you aren't welcome to talk about other things. I'm saying the existence of the group you are complaining about was created for that purpose: RO. Everyone is here because of RO. Even more true for the new members, they didn't come from dA like us. Naturally, the collective interest lies in that, so any extraneous topics might be ignored, especially if some people can't relate. Open invitations are chat are open invitations. If you want to join us, even if it doesn't specifically have your name written on it, in the invitation, we do our best to include and help and lend gears to people who might want to join us on more difficult runs for fun. But we can't know if you want to join, without you telling us. Am I begging you to come back and reconsider? Perhaps. But, as you said, I feel as though your final decision is severing ties and I respect that. As you'd said you're happy, and you've found people you can talk to, and I am truly truly happy for you Sabie. I am so glad to hear you are doing well. I don't mean to undermine your happiness with my bluntness, but, honestly. I want you to know our side. You've said yours, I want to say mine. Why we sound like we're so upset. Why we sound like we lash out. This is what we saw, this is what it looked like.

You are not the only one to feel left out at times in the chat. It's not always 100% happy. This chat goes by so fast, and 1000 messages happen sometimes when we're gone for school or wherever, we miss a lot. We see all the fun we missed. It sucks, but what can you do? Things happen even if you're not there. You can look on with envy, or skip the whole thing and participate in what's happening when you get to the latest post.

 I'm not there 24/7, I don't read the chat 24/7 and I don't reply 24/7. It's not because of who's on, it's because it doesn't honestly matter. Pop in, pop out. No fanfare. No one will create a ruckus just because you're here or there but that doesn't mean we're not glad to see you. We're always happy to see people on, but we can't know if they're reading if they don't type in chat. We can't know. We can't know you want to participate, maybe you think it's embarrassing, but there's no other way. You have to raise your hand and make it clear. "Yes, me! I am here, I want to participate!" It's unfair to create expectations without communicating with us. If you feel a certain way, let someone know. It's so easy to disregard convos in a chat of 20 people. Don't blame 20 different people because it happens, even to us. Not just you. Pull someone aside, tell them how you feel, especially the older ones. We'll be sure to find something for all of us to do, just ask. Ask and you shall receive.

IT'S THE SAME in dA chat, if it goes this fast, it's easy to miss things, especially if you only pipe in a couple times. The common interest of the chat is RO, which is fairly unfortunate because it's harder to bring up other topics. It's easy to feel disappointed. All of us feel it to a degree, really. Sometimes, I wanna stream music, and people don't come to listen to me. Like, I can say it again and again and nobody wants to come. Sometimes, someone else does and everyone comes on. Do I feel bad? Sometimes, yeah, honestly. Does that mean they don't care about me? No. But consider all the factors. Maybe at that moment they don't feel like doing something. Forgive them and move on. It happens. When they do feel like it and you weren't the first one to ask, ask to join, or forgive that you'd lost your chance for that moment, and move on. Joining a conversation isn't the same as laying out bait and hoping someone will talk to you. It's almost the same as doing nothing. You have to respond. You approach. Not the guild. We aren't fish, so don't try to reel us in. We are capable of talking and understanding. Make it plain and understood. Seeing if people pass a test to your standards that only you know of is unfair. We have no ill will towards you, so please, don't imagine things and accept that as truth. You won't know unless you ask. In your post, you are imposing a "truth" on us. That we aren't interested and we don't care. And it's unfair, all these assumptions about what we think without asking us. Our friendship is not toxic. It is not a toxic environment in itself. But, the way you've come to perceive it, the way you see it, when you compare it to your standards and expectations, makes it toxic. And I am glad you are taking a step towards us in removing the toxicity. Though now, I think you might find yourself on a separate path, I am giving it to you plainly, for your own understanding. I don't mean to argue. I mean to make things resolved, and understood, to communicate for resolution. So you aren't left hanging. The thing is, let's face it, it's hard to ask 20 people to adjust to you, rather than reverse. If you're not interested, don't talk it's okay. This goes for everyone there. Sometimes you can relate, sometimes you can't. Sometimes you miss out while everyone is having fun, who cares, there's always next time. I don't get along with everyone. I mean, I am not super close to every single person, but everyone is dear to me. If they say they need anything I'll be more than glad to help. But otherwise, personally, I am not one to pry or to force things out of people. I respect their space. I will assume you don't need anything from me, and I will be okay on my own, and I'll do my own thing until you need me. I don't feel used, it's just the way it is. When you come to me again, I'll greet you with smiles and fun. That's how I saw us, until things got out of hand. It's not that I didn't care, it's just that, it was how we'd always been. Things happen. It doesn't mean I don't care, I just think, "things are okay". As for why we don't seem to approach you after the fact you left, it's because we get the impression that you set boundaries that you don't want crossed. You don't walk away and expect people to chase you. The assumption is, "you don't want to be with us anymore and I respect that, I am upset but you chose not to say anything, lie when asked if you're fine. I will leave you alone, as you are walking away" 

Real life isn't a movie or a shoujo manga. If you feel bad and you want to talk, say it. Make it understood. Assumptions and misconceptions will happen, and more people will be hurt. I am not saying we are free of fault and blame. We should have known better, and we did lack action on our part. And I apologize so much for how hurt you'd been and how you've suffered. Again, thank you for saying everything you'd felt. I also still love you and don't hate you. If, after reading this you are still intent on walking separate ways, I won't stop you. I've said all I'd wanted to, and largely all I wanted was 

1. to say the other side of the story

2. to hear you're happy where you are

Thank you also, for all the times and memories we had together. I had so much fun, and I am grateful for the times you confided in me, and I am grateful for the times you listened to me and supported me and when you drew for me, all the things we did together as friends (just you and me), and as a guild (with everyone). You'll always be welcome to talk with me, even if you choose to part ways. My advice is free.

Love, Mama

I guess it’s about time I tell the truth why I left the group and RO. I wouldn’t want to make such a big deal out of it because I stopped caring. But I want you all to know is that I don’t hate you guys. I never did. I was just disappointed and thought that you guys would change. Courage to speak...

Calisto

I'd been concerned that Calisto lacked personality and agency so I wrote a thing

Born the youngest child in a chain of successful older sisters with more respectable careers, all eyes turned to her for her chosen path. This has carved into her a need for "success" to be of any worth. Success was positively reinforced in her youth, and she saw the same being done for her siblings, and her brother seemed to be punished heavily for his mediocre lifestyle. She was closest to Vitesse and Ren, both of whom were the most gentle of the Calibri siblings. Vitesse has a kind heart and a good understanding of the pressure she faced, and gave her comfort whenever she could. Although Vitesse primarily provided her sister solace by action and small favors, Calisto took her silence to mean distance. Ren was more vocal about his support, something he had in common with Calisto– the need to express passion.

Although Calisto pitied her elder brother and his plight, she couldn't help but feel some envy with his delight in what he did. Although she didn't find him successful, she never really witnessed her three sisters' taking real joy and pleasure in what they do. 

(Geneva followed her duty to serve people - Physician. Lucida took a path easy for her - Wizard. Vitesse believed that the end justified the means - Crusader)

Part of her education included dance, which she excelled at greatly. Fluid physical movement was her arena, though she was not a fighter and she lacked brute strength, she could defend herself if needed (as taught by Vitesse).

She had no particular goals but success in mind, but as time passed, her love for dance grew exponentially. Both ideas of "success" and "passion" began to merge in her young, impressionable head. She was rather optimistic and hopeful as a child. This further drove a wedge between the Calibris and Ren, who is seen as a disgrace and waste. The family is moderately well-off, but he had chosen a subpar profession in a small dingy shop in a large city. His influence is seen as negative, and they'd begun to distance Calisto from her beloved brother. This fueled Calisto's desire to change her parents' stubborn and narrow opinion of success. Although Ren pursued his dream, he didn't have the drive to take more. She would've. She could take everything and captivate everyone with her dance.

In aiding her brother at his shop, she had some money to flee Aldebaran. Ultimately she confronts her parents and her desire to follow her passions. In the end they give in to her desires, but expect top-notch results. In her first year, she discovered her skill was not quite as honed as she'd believed, but her passion was raw and true. She worked hard and thought of nothing else. Not quite only to prove her parents wrong, but because she knew it was in her capacity to.

Calisto is not a gifted dancer, but she is polished to near-perfection by labor.

However, by the same hand, she'd blinded herself to meaningful relationships with other people, and lives the next few years of her life in overwhelming loneliness. Her self-discipline is admirable. She's very singleminded about her goal, though she befriends others, and has relationships, her relative success had driven her to be arrogant and even more ambitious. She imposes the same drive on people who associate with her so that they would rise to her standard. Because of her priorities, most of her romantic relationships are transient and are never stable enough, frequently ending with the understanding that the success of her career comes first. 

She copes with the loneliness with the discovery of vices from her peers, but only Ment became a regular habit of hers, dulling her senses and ebbing her thoughts away. One of her partners, a talented but entitled bard named Garamond Archer discovers her vice, and threatens to make her abuse of it public, as it is illegal and would create lasting damage on her career. His attraction to her and irritation towards her attitude, leads him to coerce her into sleeping with him, resulting in a traumatic experience. Out of pure fear, she ceases her habit with the drug. She never manages to confront her assaulter, but is spared any further contact with him as he has business elsewhere. She closes herself off even more, by making a point to avoid unnecessary contact with peers, citing that they are beneath her.

She continues to  dance, and makes a name for herself as a performer. She occasionally drops by Prontera to visit her brother. They remain on good terms, and she lends him money to help boost his business. She is content she manages to repay his love and kindness. She has bought Vitesse a sword as well. And yet, despite this, her success feels quite hollow. She is at the height of her career, but it had become fairly repetitive at this point. Although they still have their reservations, her parents finally accept her career track, given her very visible success. At this point however, her contact with her family is minimal, save for her brother Ren, who, by her commissions, sews her dresses for her performances. 

She then meets Linny who teaches her to "see" people while chasing her goal, something she'd neglected to do because a large part of the environment she was in while growing up places a value on individual success. She takes an abrupt break from her tour citing "health reasons" for her hiatus and joins his group because, again, she sees this happiness over success phenomena, but in this case, success seemed to follow. Her true purpose to join the guild is entirely self-centered: she doesn't actually care about the group and its missions, though she'd heard of them and their work. She volunteers to train the members in behaving in social functions and gives them rundowns on these events. In short, she uses her standing as a popular dancer to create more opportunities for missions' executions. Being a Rune-Midgardian celebrity, she does not find too much interruption and recognition in an isolated town in Hugel, so she's free to do as she pleases for the guild. She also helps the other bards and dancers improve, especially Linny, who'd been her previous partner but neglected practicing music and arts. She continues to perform in events, as her association with the guild is not known, being a more covert accomplice in their missions. Eventually, from a misunderstanding and misguided attempt to put her attitude into perspective, being threatened with assault, she begins to waver and considers leaving.  She calls Linny out on it, but he realizes his mistake immediately and apologizes profusely, repeatedly over time, not intending to harm her in that way and regrets violating her trust. Hesitant to leave things so half-done, and curious what had warped his personality beyond recognition from 20 years past, she remains. She eventually accepts his apology.

He was another refreshing, passionate person in her life, the very model of success. She becomes fascinated by these aspects of him, but grows to love his kind heart, and offers in return some support. Despite intending to pick up pointers for success, she begins to adopt his attitude, and becomes more receptive to other people. Her courses are no less rigorous, but are no longer "demeaning" in a sense. He becomes a gateway to her change in priorities. She never gives up dancing, and while the hype of her career suffered moderately from her disappearance on the public scene, she grows to love the close-knit community. Her sharp observational skills and tough-love attitude when it comes to improvement made her the perfect instructor.

The Flower Peddler

Raising the city gates seemed like a daunting task. The flower peddler could only surmise how much they weighed. Three guards were stationed here at all times just for that, and another one supervised the entry and called for the opening and closing of the gates.

Almost on cue, a raspy voice called out from within, and a loud metallic clang followed. 

It was about time. 

The other merchants gathered their belongings and began flocking closer to the gates.Having the privilege of being the first to arrive, the flower peddler did not have their sense of urgency. He simply straightened himself out before heaving his cart of flowers across the threshhold.

The guard watched him as he stopped. She gave him a curt, but unmistakeably familiar nod. Or at least, that's what the peddler thought it looked like. 

"Morning," said the guard.

He didn't respond with anything more than a nod and a nervous smile. The guard figured he wasn't going to say any more, and turned her attention to a checklist. A few more moments of silence passed before she offered a comment. 

"Your marigolds look cheerier than they were yesterday,"

So she'd noticed. There weren't very many merchants who came at this hour. It wasn't that difficult to tell.

The guard poked around his cart, almost looking apologetic that she had to inspect it in such a manner. Her gloved hand would disappear then reappear on the other end, sweeping the bottom of the cart for any contraband. Though she had taken extra care not to ruin the petals, the flower peddler didn't seem to protest. In fact, he didn't seem to say anything, even as the guard fired off a few more comments. He stood watch and nodded once in a while.

"All clear," she said.

It seemed forever had passed, but with another nod from the guard, he was sent on his way and another merchant was called forth.

When he was far enough from the gate he exhaled. He'd been holding his breath until then. The flower peddler glanced back, and his expression finally shifted. He produced a particularly vibrant marigold from his coat. The sight of it made his disappointment plain.

Perhaps on another day.

Don't make that face– smile.

By her composure, it was evident that she'd been accustomed to formality. The call was not meant for him– he was fairly relaxed.

A little closer. 

His arm found itself around her waist, pulling her closer that their hips touched. The sound of his ever boisterous laughter fills the air. He was teasing her for her rigidity. She relaxed at his touch, and understood. Her smile, composed and formal was replaced by laughter as well, though it had been far more elegant-sounding than his own– at least to his ears. It was impossible for her to contain herself, covering her mouth with a hand, trying to suppress it. 

That was how he'd remembered their portrait.

How he wanted to remember it always. 

Forever etched in his mind was the sheer amusement in those moments. Rare were the times that they found themselves removed from work, and he thought, that this one had been well-deserved. The credit was all to his name, but he would have refuted that claim. She was the one who pushed him. She was a fighter, that one. He offered her a hand once, but she managed to pick up the pieces so quickly that she'd ended up coming to his rescue more than a few times.

She'd moved on, and he always cherished her time in his company. They'd written, but nothing lasts. There were no wistful sighs, or deep regrets. When he thought of her, and what she'd accomplished (from her last letter), he couldn't be prouder. He'd never truly vocalized his gratitude, never enough that it would have captured the magnitude of her deeds in his life, but he liked to think that she'd known. 

He would have wanted to tell her himself,

but the moment had passed.

He was gone.

Women who "whine": The fundamental differences between Surwen, Cerisette and Calisto.

On the surface level, these three women are notorious for their ability to find fault in almost anything or anyone set before them. They are seen as "tsundere" characters of the Type A variety. Outwardly harsh, with a soft spot for sentimentality and romance– if one tries to dig deep enough beneath their prickly surfaces. However, their similarities end here, as, although they qualify to be tsundere, it is not considered a major part of their identities, and are instead, minor traits. Although personally, I tend to avoid using the terms, but they're here for simplicity's sake. Surwen fits the archetype least, among the three. Her goal is to satiate her material greed. Her methods are of a manipulative variety, with her efforts redirected towards sorting the "targets" from the "nuisances". She's also the most morally ambiguous out of the three, although she has boundaries. That is, she is willing to steal and con people out of their money, but draws the line at murder, which, presently, is a crime she is being accused of. She is also the least likely to come across as "kind", and the trope Jerk with a Heart of Gold does not really apply to her. She is driven about her goals, and does not falter in her quest for riches. She is genuinely a mean-spirited person, who dismisses others based on the size of their wallet. In terms of speech, Surwen can be very crude, being direct about her dislike towards other people without a shred of tact. She's very practical and only goes for things that suit her purpose.

Cerisette's disdain for other people, on the other hand, comes from a defensive response. Her childhood and abilities have a weak relation to her chosen profession, and receives criticism and inquiries frequently as a result. A lot of bitterness resides in her, especially towards naysayers (those who are not convinced of her battle prowess) and overrated combatants (monks, cough). She appears outwardly calm, and cold towards others. She speaks bitingly, but in a calculated manner. She is clearly educated by her manner of speech. She is aware of her manners, and decorum. She adheres to laws and beliefs of her faith. However, her temper is violent, and once it is triggered, she can go on a rampage. Her manner of speech is provocative, and often ends up in physical fights. She is also solitary, preferring to work alone and tolerates another person or two. She is always looking to challenge what people believe about her, and thinks people get in her way, but she does not actively reject friendship. She has built some sort of rapport on a few occasions with other people, indicating that she's only a *little* difficult to get along with, but it's not impossible. Sans the temper, she's probably the easiest to get along with genuinely, when given the proper respect. Or dessert.

Calisto on the other hand, strives for excellence at all costs. She had inadvertently isolated herself in her quest for perfection, creating the beginnings of a gap she had with people. Having grown up with four older siblings, and living in their shadow, she had pushed herself to achieve and attain the best things. Fame and recognition are something she prizes above all else. She admires people who have the patience for self-improvement as she does, without overtly stating it. She is the loneliest of the three, and the one who craves a real connection. Despite being adored, she feels pretty isolated, being placed on a rightful pedestal because of her abilities. Although her personal pride prevents her from making any real connections, despite her desire. She does not believe in fantastical depictions of things, preferring solid facts. She tends to go about things like a child would, crying very easily, while maintaining a prickly façade. Very conscious about affection.

There is a particular way Langstross Reid looks at the world. He perceives it to be a flawed one, riddled with holes and imperfections. He looks at it without a shred of endearment; disgust fills the pit of his stomach whenever he had gazed upon it long enough. A pristine image is most ideal, but far from plausible. Heaven knew something had to be done. And yet what could one man do? What could one, miserly soldier do, realistically? Though he saw a better world, with the right words, with the right course of action, he knew that it took more than optimism to fuel this ideal. The pledges and oaths he took as a young recruit rang in his mind, but their words, however beautifully crafted, meant nothing. They were echoes and constructs of someone else's passions; frameworks for other people to follow suit. It was a valiant effort on their part, but it was a stupid solution that got nowhere fast. 

He knew, but he did nothing, lest his own words would ring hollow. And so he watched the world slowly crumble in its convictions and promises, with his own ambitions buried away, labeled as nothing more than flights of fancy. Without the will to set his vision in motion, all he can– and will– do is to enumerate every detail he perceived to be needlessly bothersome.