my friend drunkenly watched a TED talk last night was like “this stand up is terrible what the fuck”

new dynamic idea: guy whose soul was trapped in a weapon for hundreds of years after being cursed by a wizard, and guy who used to wield said weapon. both of them still forget that the first guy is back in a human body now sometimes.

could ai make THIS!????

crocodiles/alligators are the superior body. reptilian, carnivorous, cool as fuck, looks like a dinosaur, what more could you ask? I wish I were one

forever thinking of the time i just wanted to know how long i could go without sleeping and google autofilled it to “in minecraft” without me realizing. you can imagine my shock and horror until i read the website title

TONIGHT. WE’RE DRINKING FROM THE POND.

my cat hates taking his pills. the only way we can get him to eat them is to turn it into an elaborate pantomime - we take the packet out of the cupboard slowly and hold it up, saying “oh!! what’s this? what’s this? a TREAT? a TREAT for louis????” while making surprised faces. we offer him a pill… then, before he has a chance to sniff it, we wag our fingers at him and replace it in the packet so it becomes a Tantalising Forbidden Mystery. we continue doing this until he’s so confused and excited that he will eat the pill as fast as possible, just so he can find out what it is before we can take it away from him again. as soon as he’s eaten it he looks utterly disappointed and betrayed, like a child who just ate a delicious sweet only to find it was a chocolate-coated brussels sprout. it never gets old

Why the fuck are dads just like *grunts* *sniffs* *sigh* *cough* *sniff* *grunts* like sir can I help you

i’m lactose intolerant:(

dont care

Boys will be boys

Happy birthday Queen