This gif will be the death of me. They’re English subtitles of the Chinese version.

I hate it. I hate it so, so much.

I hate that he's had a wonderful girlfriend, and that I've never been with a boy. It's a stupid thing to hate-insignificant, really- but it hurts. 

I hate that he's so attractive. I've never felt affection for an attractive boy before-they've always been gawky or awkward or imbalanced in some way. Not to say that he isn't awkward in his actions, but his appearance is-and this is very uncharacteristic of me, to be attracted to someone who likes like this-like the stereotypical male lead of a teenage movie. Conceptually, it annoys me. I didn't find anything interesting in those boys. I usually was attracted to the villains in movies, not the attractive, young, male heroes. But, by god...his eyes...

And this a problem. Because none of the other boys I've been attracted to have ever had any other girls after them. Of course, it didn't really matter, because I was too scared to ever ask them on a date-other girls competing or no. 

But it really really really is awful because I've never been so very very very attracted to someone-I'm in love for the first time and it's disgusting and all those love songs finally make SENSE ugh-so in love that I'd actually DO SOMETHING about it for once- but...he has other girls who are attracted to him. Not as attracted as I am. They like him purely for his physique, and perhaps a bit for his personality. That is, except for his girlfriend, who seems head over heels from him.

And there's another problem. She seems like such a lovely girl that I could never dislike her. There's no reason to. And I'm not 'the jealous type', anyways. Yes, I am very jealous of her, purely because she has HIM...but I feel no resentment towards her, if that makes sense. 

But they broke up a few months ago, so his relationship isn't really at issue anymore. But still, it affected him deeply.

I haven't gotten to the best(worst?) part. He is SO. DAMN. SMART. It's irritating, actually. If he'd taken one more AP class, he probably would've been valedictorian of valedictorians. And it shows when you talk with him...he can ramble on about the safety of using handheld objects while in a car, or quantum physics, or how psychological principles apply to everyday life...the best part is that ALL OF THESE SUBJECTS INTEREST ME TOO. And I love talking to him about them. He's so damn brilliant and he appreciates my intelligence, too...sometimes people belittle me because I'm small and underestimate me for that same reason, but he sees me as an intelligent person even though I'm younger than him, which is bloody refreshing, my god. And his eyes bear into your soul, especially when he implores you to look him dead in the eye...

I could kiss him. I could kiss him, kiss him, kiss him, whenever those lips move to slip out words on the state of the world or the state of his mind...

And his personality. He's a bit awkward, which is rather disarming considering how attractive he is (I've mentioned this already). He's also very cocky, but pretends to be humble. I'm not such a fan of this aspect of him. He's also...adorable. In his actions. Like I said, he'll ramble on about what he loves. And he uses as many gesticulations as my Jewish relatives, which is saying a lot, mind you. He also gets very distracted when he's caught up in an idea, which is cute...unless he's driving down the highway at 80 miles per hour, whilst fiddling around with Siri and holding 3 different conversations with the people in the car. Dear lord. 

I didn't mean for this to turn into a blog about him.

But I suppose I have to rant somewhere.

I have so many dreams about him...

But you know what? Shockingly, they're all pleasant. So I suppose, as bittersweet as I feel around him, the sweetness outweighs the anxiety, at least in my subconscious.

Except for that one nightmare. The one where he died in front of me. In front of everyone. And I ran up to see him, but I didn't want to look, and it became very real because the rest of the dream was of people posting about how much they'd miss him on Facebook, and me talking with people and not believing he was gone...there was even an 'in memorium page' set up for him, just like they do in reality...it felt so real

And what made it worse? I know that's how it would have been if it had happened in real life. Because I've been there before, when my best friend died in second grade.

I know what it feels like. The pain. The disbelief. But worst of all is the lack of feeling, the emptiness that consumes your entire body. When I woke up, all I could do was gulp down the air, because the emptiness was still lingering there, so potent that even in my awakened state I still thought that he was dead.

Dreams shouldn't be allowed to feel that real. 

I had a dream about marrying Boy last night.

In the dream, we fell in love at another's wedding...how fitting. 

Of course, it ended in an anxiety dream where I couldn't find my wedding dress an hour before the ceremony...which isn't really all that bad of an anxiety dream, if you think about it. I was mostly panicked because I didn't want to walk down the aisle in a colorful dress, and of course I was worried because I KNEW my grandmother would have a need to take an infinite number of pictures, so I had to look perfect. Honestly, something like that could happen in real life, if you think about it, knowing my (lack of) organizational skills and all. 

I guess it's comforting to know that the one time each week he's allowed to communicate with the outside world, he actually takes the time to exchange letters with me. 

so I was looking for photos and apparently for his senior photo for our school's ID card, he dressed up as a Teddy Boy

I CAN'T

"It's not goodbye. it's see ya later."

Between George Zimmerman and Casey Anthony's acquittals, and the whole fiasco with the Bush election, I vote that Florida just secede from the Union at this point.

So I thought that I could watch that video with him in it, but nope. I'm only 7 seconds in and I just miss him a lot. I miss his friendship most of all.

It's 4 am again. Hello there.

YOU THERE

YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE

YOU ARE AN A+ HUMAN BEING AND THANK YOU FOR ALL THAT YOU DO

BLESS YOU BLESS YOUR SOUL BLESS YOUR FAMiLY

except I can never thank you in person because I'd probably vomit all over myself

shoutout to boys who are attractive and intelligent and kind and have no ulterior motive for all the good things they do

I'm still not over him and no one can make me be over him if I don't want to be *Blasts off into the sunset while shooting rainbows from her mouth*