Dream. Journal. Oct 2nd 2017

I finally decided to go back inside the airport after doing some thinking. As I got closer to American flights section I saw namjoon looking back at me with eyes of relief, after searching for so long he found me. I quickly turned around and starting walking away. I tried to walk as fast I could without making it seem like I was running. But something caught my shoulder. I let out a scream involuntarily and fell into a cradle position with my hands over my head, as if I was going to get kicked or beat up. I was afraid of namjoon. I couldn't breath and kept replaying what he had done to me in my head. i could remember the pain physically and emotionally. I couldn't stop myself from feeling this way. He was just as surprised as I was. I couldn't get up or look at him. I told him, "please leave me alone. please I beg you. I won't bother you again it was a mistake.i will never do that again in my life" i kept losing my breath so i coughed, almost nauseas. He stayed quiet. I got up and ran to my flight. He just stood there. He finally made a reaction and ran after me. It was too late I was already in my plane. I cried all the way back home. I hated him.

Namjoon went back to the hotel and told jungkook what happened. He was disappointed at namjoon. How could treat someone like that. Namjoon's excuse was he was tired and didn't know what got into him. He also had my cellphone that I dropped when I fell to the ground in the airport. He went through my phone looking at the pictures I had taken of myself all dressed up. Smiles with my friends and family. I even had daires of how much I loved BTS and how excited I was to see them in the concert. I even wrote how happy and lucky I was to be able to meet them before the concert even though I knew how tired they must be. But it was nice of them to given us fans a chance to talk to them. He regretted what he had done. But it was too late. I grew hatred towards them almost disgust. No i did, I didn't know when this hatred grew into disgust. I had been so in love with them that now I hated them. I felt sad for feeling this way but the memories were far worst to bear. I threw everything of BTS and I did not want anything to do with them anymore.

Year's past and BTS had come to America because they had grown in popularity that they were holding so many concerts here.

Namjoon really wanted to see me. so jungkook asked Stacey to hold a date for me and namjoon but not to say anything. I got a text from Stacey to meet at a cafe. Jungkook and namjoon were with Stacey as I texted her I had just arrived and was gett8ng off the taxi. All three of them could see me through the window. I got closer to the cafe and I opened the door and I could spot Stacey and her brown hair. Within seconds my eyes spotted namjoon and jungkook. I quickly turned and walked out the door to find a taxi home. I was angry, sad, scared, desperate, so many emotions at once. Tears started falling down. I could hear namjoon yelling, " please stop dalina" I finally stopped but I wouldn't turn and yelled, " please stop following me or trying to find me. I will never forgive you or anything as long as i live. But if your feeling guilty it's okay you front have to feel guilty anymore. It was something that happened in the past. it's forgotten. you don't have to worry about me coming to sue you or anything because I won't. I don't care for you or your life. Don't worry I won't bother you ever

I won't pop out in your concerts or fan meets. by now I was getting chocked up with tears. I just want to be free from.all of this. do you need it on paper. do you want a contract so you have my word that I won't ruin your image or your life. just please stop popping out in my life. I'm so done and tired of running away. I think this is all I can give. if you have some good in you, you will leave me alone because I can't run away anymore my body can't take it. so please leave. I'll ask Stacey to send you the contract with my signature. next thing I know I open my eyes and I am at a hospital. I have oxygen I'm my nose. I look to my right and namjoon is there talking to jungkook. My heart beat races and alarms start beeping and I knock out. again I open my eyes and in a room now but still at a hospital. There is still a nasal oxygen on my nose. I look around but it dark. a light shines through the door from the hallway lights. I get up and go to the hallway I stop a few time to get my balance. I'm outside my room but my head spins so I sit in a chair that is outside my room. I ran deep breathes. Someone comes in front of me, im scared to look up but I slowly raise my head and it's jungkook. I look away annoyed and he just sits next to me quiet. I feel so much hatred towards him.even though he did nothing bad to me but I can't help the way I feel. I don't understand why you people will not leave me alone I thought in my head. But he responds to my comment, so I guess I stated that out loud instead.

Day 1 (March 9th)

Progress: 20 min of exercise. I used to exercise 4 days a week for hours but that was 3yrs ago. I want to start exercising again :) Food: ate way too much ×_× but I am slowly cutting food away. :) I want to start taking images of what I eat and post them to help me eat less and more healthy. gtg have work tomorrow! *wish for good dreams tonight!

Taking charge of my thoughts.

I’ve spent over 20yrs of my life with my thoughts controlling me. I have felt like my mind, body, and soul have been chained by my negative thoughts. I want a change. I am done with feeling worthless and stuck in the same cycle of thoughts. I want my thoughts to be spoken or written out of my mind and into the air where they will float up into the atmosphere and into space and never come back.

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