Show up for yourself too ⭐️.

My Books - https://debbietung.com/books

Just winging it all the time.

My Books - https://debbietung.com/books

Ask Culture and Guess Culture

“One of my wife’s distant friends has attempted to invite herself to stay with us, again,” writes the exasperated owner of a prime 2 bedroom apartment in New York City in this Ask MetaFilter question. “She did this last March, and we used the excuse of me starting a new job and needing to do x, y, and z as well as the “out of town” excuse for any remaining dates. This got us off scot-free, but we both knew the time would come again… and it’s here. We need a final solution.”

He goes on to list two different possibilities he can think of for getting this woman to stop asking for free room and board. The first is a little white lie, something about their keys being hard to duplicate. The other is to be vague, to say something like “Sorry, that isn’t going to work for us” and hope she doesn’t ask why.

The first few answers give this poster very direct advice: Just say no. No need to give an explanation, it’s her who’s being rude by asking. Others give him advice that was probably more like what he was expecting: other ways to be vague like claiming that it’s “One of those random `Life in NYC things.’”

Another thread of discussion popped up around whether or not the woman asking for a place to stay was being rude. Some posters couldn’t understand how simply asking to stay in someone’s apartment was rude, while another went as far to say that putting someone in the position “having to be rude and say no” was rude in and of itself.

It is into this context that user tangerine contributes this answer:

This is a classic case of Ask Culture meets Guess Culture.

In some families, you grow up with the expectation that it’s OK to ask for anything at all, but you gotta realize you might get no for an answer. This is Ask Culture.

In Guess Culture, you avoid putting a request into words unless you’re pretty sure the answer will be yes. Guess Culture depends on a tight net of shared expectations. A key skill is putting out delicate feelers. If you do this with enough subtlety, you won’t even have to make the request directly; you’ll get an offer. Even then, the offer may be genuine or pro forma; it takes yet more skill and delicacy to discern whether you should accept.

All kinds of problems spring up around the edges. If you’re a Guess Culture person — and you obviously are — then unwelcome requests from Ask Culture people seem presumptuous and out of line, and you’re likely to feel angry, uncomfortable, and manipulated.

If you’re an Ask Culture person, Guess Culture behavior can seem incomprehensible, inconsistent, and rife with passive aggression.

Obviously she’s an Ask and you’re a Guess. (I’m a Guess too. Let me tell you, it’s great for, say, reading nuanced and subtle novels; not so great for, say, dating and getting raises.)

Thing is, Guess behaviors only work among a subset of other Guess people — ones who share a fairly specific set of expectations and signalling techniques. The farther you get from your own family and friends and subculture, the more you’ll have to embrace Ask behavior. Otherwise you’ll spend your life in a cloud of mild outrage at (pace Moomin fans) the Cluelessness of Everyone.

As you read through the responses to this question, you can easily see who the Guess and the Ask commenters are. It’s an interesting exercise. (#)

After this comment many users, including the original poster himself, began to use these terms in discussing the issue. And why wouldn’t they? Ask Culture and Guess Culture describe two valid yet opposing ways of interacting with the world with very little value judgment given to them. Framing the argument as such was a stroke of utter genius by tangerine, broadening the perspective of many who participated in the discussion and adding to the general lifebuzz.

meet whalentia, the existential whale 🐳 serving the ✨t r u t h✨. humans are going to be the demise of humanity. more specifically, white supremacy, neoliberal capitalism, & the heteropatriarchy are what’s wrong with humanity. like whalentia says, living on its own is hard enough, why make it harder than it needs to be 😭 https://www.instagram.com/p/CdmkVCkOQdO/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

The story starts in Brooklyn, NYC, when I came for a long term stay last year… In the first couple of days, I encountered a huge cockroach literally climbing on the couches I was sitting in. If that wasn’t bad enough, the next day there was a little mouse running around in the apartment 🐭 😭. I asked my host about it (duh) and they mentioned the last guest was very messy and left food everywhere and since it is an old building, pests will find their way inside. So I made sure to keep things clean and dump trash bags ASAP outside (where families of huge rats live) and I never saw the cockroach or mouse again! Maybe to them I was a bad roommate because I never left food out 😉 (at Brooklyn, New York) https://www.instagram.com/p/CdgiX8uuDcM/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

https://www.ted.com/talks/ethan_hawke_give_yourself_permission_to_be_creative?language=en

#writing #creative #reminders

“What I’ve found out and what I believed is that everybody is talented. It’s just that some people get it developed and some don’t.” - Stephen Sondheim

I got my booster and flu shot at the same time the other day. I happened to be eligible for the shot and also live in an area where COVID vaccination sites are everywhere and very accessible. NYC is doing a good job. There are ads that if you get a COVID shot at some of their sites, they will give you a free 7-day unlimited MetroCard. Not bad, eh? With the emergence of the new variant and there still being unequal vaccine access and distribution around the world (mixed with vaccine skepticism), COVID isn’t going anywhere. This reality is hard to sit with, knowing that our lives and situations are also controlled by governments and politics that sometimes make no sense. When so much is out of our control, what is there left but to just take it day by day and do what we can control? I’ve been feeling hopeless about the global situation, not knowing when I will see my aging father, and also knowing if I do happen to make it to China to see him, I risk being separated from other loved ones for who knows how long. It’s not fair, but life isn’t fair. I drew this daily comic just reflecting on the day after I got both shots. I had just recovered from a seasonal cold so I felt especially weak and wrecked that day. But ending it with a nice warm meal, and getting access to the booster protection? It wasn’t a bad day after all. Go get boosted, if you can! Take care of yourselves. (at Brooklyn, New York) https://www.instagram.com/p/CW9QTMCAY64/?utm_medium=tumblr

I recently turned 27 and wanted to create a reflective post around it. The illustration and blog post ended up not really being about turning 27, but rather a piece reflecting on my early and mid-twenties. The essence of it all is how early twenties me had huge dreams that mid-twenties me did not live out for the most part. During that time of life, I judged myself and was hard on myself basing off of my “failure” to achieve those big dreams. It took until now, as I enter my late twenties, that I see how much I have grown and that the life I lived was very much needed. I experienced a lot of spaciousness and time during those years. Lots of time to confront myself, to work on myself, to grow. Here I am, about to enter this “last phase of twenties” with a much better sense of myself, who I am, what I want do, and more kindness to my younger self. Working on this piece was quite transformative too, actually. I’ve been wanting to merge my comics and drawings together with my writing and photography to tell thoughts and stories. Completing this piece was actually very time consuming, while also being fulfilling and fueled my personal growth and revelations. The hardest but most engaging part was after I’ve come up with the main outline of what I was trying to say, then figuring out how to communicate it visually. After drawing it all, I also wrote a long blog post to wrap up my thoughts post-drawing. The blog post can be read at thoughtfulwanders.com. https://www.instagram.com/p/CWVA0ZKLldy/?utm_medium=tumblr

Here’s a comic I made about identifying as asexual and aromantic! I made it for an anthology which ended up falling through, so I thought it would be a good idea to post it on Valentine’s Day.

Take care of yourselves out there! http://raizap.com/

It has been a while since I have seen a stunning sunset from the sky, in the plane. I’ve flown a decent amount this year, and as I fly more the older I get, the more I get used to it as solely a mode of transportation. An airbus, at least within the United States. It is moments like this that I am reminded of the true scale of…a lot of things. I am in the sky, a teeny human in the sky. I look down on planet earth and I have no idea what exact place I am flying over. I just know it is West of Chicago (destination) and East of California (location of departure). Anyways, planet earth is gorgeous. The mountains looking small , the sun painting the sky. It is a moment of peace and a reminder of my own smallness and the world’s grandiosity. I am reminded of my experiences flying when I was younger. Everything was just…cooler, you know? (Though I got most excited about ice cream served on the flight). But this sunset, these skies? Mmm. Lovely. Inspiring. (at In The Sky) https://www.instagram.com/p/CVKSzDjA8yp/?utm_medium=tumblr

What are your top 3-5 core values? Day 2 of Create a More Purpose Filled life by @lena_papadopoulos * Compassion - based in my past in learning Tibetan Buddhism, I do believe all living beings deserve compassion, because life is hard and the world is not… kind. And so even if I disagree with someone or feel aversive towards them, I will try to come back to a place of compassion. * Critical Thinking - Learning to critique what was taught as “normal” is what has helped me find more joy in life. I believe in approaching everything with a bit of a critical eye and recognizing what systems or powers are influencing the “thing”, and not losing sight of that bigger picture. * Creativity & play - Creativity is more than just art. It’s also problem solving, imagination, and presence. Creativity helps me express my true self and get in touch with my inner world. Approaching life with a playful attitude has helped me not take things too seriously, and enjoy the moment. * DIY - Living in a capitalistic world means we are becoming more and more distant from where things come from. A DIY mindset is inherently rebellious to capitalistic tendencies since instead of choosing the convenient path (which can also be exploitative), a DIY mindset reminds me to create it myself, or at least learn where things come from. It helps me stay connected and rooted. Do these core values resonate with anyone else? Side note: I wanted to create a collage combining a photo of myself and a photo of clouds, but while playing around in Photoshop, I replaced my face with a saturation overlay, creating the photo here. I like how it turned out ☺️ (at 𝘊𝘓𝘖𝘜𝘋𝘚) https://www.instagram.com/p/CT3eZ9uAMWQ/?utm_medium=tumblr

Day 1 of Create a More Purpose Filled Life by @lena_papadopoulos “How have you been taught to think about success, and does it resonate with you? Why or why not?” I was raised to think of success in the most mainstream, normative, capitalistic mindset. Got to get the best education, go to the best ranked school, make the most money and then buy nice things…etc (what else, really) I honestly never fully bought into this mindset since I was young. My dad would continue to preach the same thing that at a certain point I just grew suspicious of what he was saying. Because it was clear what he was striving and believing in was actually becoming a detriment to his life. Capitalistic success is a myth. It is a never ending rat race where the only guaranteed result is our own misery. Because nothing is ever enough. Instead of resonating with what was taught to me, I grew sympathetic towards the elders in my life who adopted this belief so strong. The traumas and life upheavals they faced, these ideas of success gave them a sense of hope because it is what TV and the news told them equaled a life worth living. I remember being a teen and feeling bad for what my dad was going through. He was probably ashamed of his own trajectory and his kids were his last hope. He projected his dreams onto us. I would say we didn’t meet it 100% and I don’t ever want to. Instead, I want to show him the different flavors of “success” and how that can look so different for each individual. I think he is learning slowly that a life of slowness, collaboration, embracing the mediocre, and contentment is also a kind of success. Because as long as we are feeling fulfilled or purposeful or with joy or in community, then what else matters? (at Bruges, Belguim) https://www.instagram.com/p/CTyT0bZgKN9/?utm_medium=tumblr

Today’s collage is based off of the fiction novel “Last Night at the Telegraph Club” by Malindo Lo @malindalo. The story centers a queer Chinese American high school girl living in San Francisco Chinatown in the 1950s and essentially a queer coming of age and romance story. I’m not much of a fiction reader, but when I do read fiction, it’s usually because it also satisfies my interest in sociology. I love that the author is able to mix in so many facets of history and identity together that it came together as a story of someone who may have very well existed. It pulls together facets of San Francisco queer and lesbian history to San Francisco’s Chinatown history. It pulled together two identities, and showed how society at the time discriminated against these groups (Asian Americans and LGBTQ+ folks). The main character, Lily, holds both identities and the story traces her struggles and comforts in both spaces. Where one group accepted her, they also denied her other identity. It went both ways. I appreciated this novel a lot and loved that the author elaborates on her research on her website and blog malindalo.com tagged “Notes From the Telegraph Club”. Getting to read this kind of work reminds me that social issues and learning about them does not only have to be done through nonfiction, news, and academia, but can be impactful just as much when told through stories and art. (All images come from the author’s website and from there they are cited. Often back to SF public library) (at San Francisco, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/CTw783nA1jO/?utm_medium=tumblr

No matter where in the world I am, I like to search for any Taiwanese food places that are in the area and get to try it at least once. I may be pretty distant, both physically and culturally, from Taiwan now, but it still provides a sense of home and comfort. The foods in this collage include: * Brown sugar latte 手炒黑糖鮮奶茶 * Taiwanese popcorn chicken 鹹酥雞 * Classical steamed pork belly Gua Bao 經典控肉掛包 * Flaky Scallion Pancake with Egg蔥抓餅加蛋 All standard snack foods you will find at any local Taiwanese night market or street vendors. I often think about how I may never be connected to Taiwan the same way my mother or her family is, but I will always have the memories of my teenage self frequenting night markets and snack stalls most evenings and every weekend for years. What I love about food in the present day is the ability to recreate it when you’re not physically in the place the food is from; thanks to the immigrants and small business owners of this world. When I show up to local Taiwanese or Chinese restaurants in the western world, I tend to stray towards not speaking Mandarin and stick to English. It’s because I wonder if speaking Mandarin means I am being being performative or trying to make a connection that has been shown to me, is not really there. In the past when I’ve spoken Mandarin to attempt to connect to Taiwanese folks I meet in foreign places, they quickly hear my flawed accent and learn that I went to international school, live in America now, and are therefore not “really from” Taiwan in their eyes. So, then I think, why bother. It doesn’t change the fact that I can cherish my own connections and experiences to Taiwan on my own. So here’s a collage showcasing the Taiwanese food I ate right here in a small town in Flanders, Belgium. (at Leuven, Belgium) https://www.instagram.com/p/CTtEVSNsxnR/?utm_medium=tumblr

2021-09-05

Canon EOS R6 + RF15-35mm f2.8L IS

Instagram  |  hwantastic79vivid