thirtyoneflirtingnoneanddying
i cant just not tumbl
i am 31 flavors of huh
103 posts
Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.
Last Seen Blogs
blackblockconsortia
GENDERFUCK PUNK
turnschuhe
all my sneakers
banoakira
Bano's Nest
memescontenirrss
memescontenirrss
the-recusants-sigil
Nobody Imagines & Headcanons
Text
4.21
The waaaayyyy the “loss of friendship” just doesn’t bother me at all. The whole thing is just sooooo devoid of true depth for me. It’s crazy! Like the other night I had a dream I was late to Vanessa’s wedding because I was trying to pick out an outfit but I realized halfway thru that I didn’t even like her so why was I going to her wedding?? lol so I just stopped.
And last night I had a dream about moving into that house and again halfway thru I was like wwaaaiiitttt lmao I am not about to move in with these fucks.
Good god I’m so glad I got myself out of that. To have someone around who really doesn’t gaf about you is crazy!!!!!!! Anyway anyway. Idk. Lots to think about and process as always.
I’ve fallen out of my making money online momentum but I believe that is because there are foundations to lay first.
Once I get thru school I will have much more time to get started. Right now I’ve gotta front-load rest in my free time.
0 notes
Text
4.12
I love the new little ritual I’ve made for myself on Friday nights. I drop Joel off and head to Edward’s to sit at the top of the parking structure (and apparently sometimes I relive a night with Tre in my mind and get literally sick to my stomach lmao) anyway yeah I come up here and just kinda hang out until whichever movie I picked starts. Tonight I’m seeing immaculate. Mikila posted on twitter that it was good the other day so that made me go for this over monkey man. I think I’ll be seeing that next week. I can’t wait! Maybe I’ll even see it tomorrow…? Idk?
I noticed that I tend to like downplay the prospect of new connections and shut myself off to shit as a defense mechanism like at FIRST but soon thereafter I’m like, down to clown lowkey. Like at school, there are people there I’d hang out with. At work too, there are people I’d hang out with. It feels good to be liked? It feels good to have kind of a fresh start with new eyes where I can like establish myself as someone with boundaries.
At first I didn’t care for any of these people that much. Which like yeah I guess that’s healthy. I wasn’t so desperate for friends that I was just like YAASSS MORE OPPORTUNITIES EVEN IF THEY SUCK lol nah you gotta be vetted first.
But why did I think I was better than them? lol that’s the part that I’m so confused by?? Like why was my first instinct to look down on everyone? Maybe because I don’t like the feeling of like meshing into groups?? Which is so crazy because that’s exactly I think what my chart says about my Aquarius Lilith.
Also I really gotta get my life together with this goddamn affiliate marketing thing??????? Like omg?????
Anyway. I feel good in general. I keep getting these little pangs and idk what the deal is with them but I get them when I think of Vanessa which is strange because I genuinely feel okay about that. I mean I wish I could’ve just faded into the background and not had to have a spat lmao but like idk I don’t feel like I lost a friend. I feel like a weight has lifted. I feel like I have my hands back on the wheel. It bothers me to think about all the nasty shit she’s said or thought and I think that’s because I just want her to know she’s wrong so bad lmao it really shouldn’t matter to me. And I guess in the grand scheme of things, it won’t lol
I just want to forget that we were friends because that was all just so…….. idk embarrassing that I would cater to that. She’s just awful… like the amount of times I felt like I had to rubber stamp god awful behavior and mindsets?? I just don’t like her. I cared about her out of like a codependent place I suppose. Our humor matched fairly well. But other than those things I did not like that girl. I just want the yuck of it all to go away.
I am having a nice time by myself tho. Truly.
0 notes
Text
3.7
i’ve been going thru this journey of like, really feeling like it’s time to distance myself from vanessa. part of me feels bad but then i really think about all of it and i just…. idk the whole thing just doesn’t sit right. Such a terrible time for this to happen. Right after i get on her phone plan? That add such a fucked layer to this cause i know it’s getting spun like i owe her something lol which like, nah not to be constantly directed by Vanessa’s sensibilities??????? Like???? Much like with izier, i have my own life to live and others should be a PART of my life. The enmeshment bred like a bravery in her that I just can’t suffer from anyone. Not anymore.
I don’t need respect from anyone but when i am disrespected, especially by a friend, i have the option to not associate myself with that person anymore. I have a way that i interact with friends and I just work best in relationships where the values are more evenly yolked.
I am just headed in a different direction. She has a lot to heal and fix that i have already surpassed and unfortunately to carry on would just make me continue to judge her harshly.
It’s funny because she tweeted about “embarrassing behavior” and her being “so judgmental” the other day and it was like woof you are so mentally ill……. Because if you’re so fucking tone deaf that you don’t know you’ve exhibited a startling number of embarrassing behaviors lol more than i without a doubt
Not that it’s a competition I just think it’s all so very rich
I have been getting so many signs to hold fast to how I’m really feeling. It is scary obviously like walking away from such an intertwined friendship that was outwardly good for so long but i have felt more joy just enjoying the things i like by myself…. And i think that feeling is a giant sign that I’m moving in the right direction.
I genuinely do not feel like i am in the wrong. I feel guilty, because i have been dishonest in how much i have been so put out by her and her sensitivities to everything.
I just cannot be friends with someone like her. Delicate but brutal. It’s not attractive.
0 notes
Text
2.27
Let the record show I’m not the fucking one or the two
Yesterday Vanessa tried to get live lol so now I’m no longer moving in with them! Of my own volition. I’m sure she thought it would all still work out but I’m dead set now on not applying and just waiting until I get out of school to get my own place. I do not need to live with someone who will constantly bargain by reminding me my kid lives in the house lmao nah
Nor someone who talks to me the way she talked to me yesterday over text lol text is so much worse because there are literal miles between us and you still took the time to say some stupid shit lol to have a nasty attitude lol bye
0 notes
Text
2.25
Okay first of all, a few days ago Hannah Garvey hit me up and was like when was the last time you talked to izier 😭🤣😭🤣 so I sent her a screenshot of my countdown saying I haven’t spoken to him in 19 months.
It’s just so embarrassing for her. Like I keep coming back to that. Like girl you’re insecure…. And for what? To be in my dms asking me questions like you’re entitled to an answer?????? Like kill yourself? Genuinely? Because omg how could you walk around knowing I know you’re in some rocky shit that’s making you feel bad???? You realize how right this makes me, correct?? This makes me so right.
This makes me literally the lowest rung on the smart ladder but it makes me higher than her! Which in the end counts for nothing, I just take joy in not being involved with someone who not only hates me but makes me feel like I hate myself too. Or that I should.
It also tickles me that I knnnooowwww she threw it back at him that I’m proud of how long it’s been since I’ve talked to him and she’s about dumb as fuck because I know that makes him want to be able to talk to me even more. Despite not being compatible for a relationship, we were compatible af as friends. The trouble is, izier doesn’t respect women so you can’t be his friend.
I wish I could talk to him as a friend. But I cannot speak to him nor be in the same room with him ever again in my life. That’s literally crazy. But I highly cannot???? And a big reason for that is because there are pieces of us inextricably tied. Our souls will always know.
Also, I’m applying for a house with Vanessa and trinity, and I just have to say. I was so frustrated with Vanessa. She’s so self centered when it comes to comfort it’s like no one else being comfortable matters. It makes me wanna pull my eyes out lowkey.
0 notes
Text
2.18
Met w mimi today for coffee and ended up talking about starting affiliate marketing and trying to make money together. So we are meeting next Sunday to hike pincushion and then start to learn how to start all of that and create our own business.
Now is the time to dial in. In a real way. In a stress free but serious way. I can do it easily especially when I have someone to talk about it with.
This has the potential to change our lives. I need to connect with and bring forth the part of me that can tackle this like nothing.
We need to create a plan.
What are initial steps?
Do we need an LLC? How does that work? What does it cost? What is an LLC? What are the legal terms?
SBA loan?
Taxes?
Niche?
How does pallet flipping tie in?
Okay I no longer want to make a list in this very moment. I’m feeling scrambled. More later.
0 notes
Text
2.17
I keep having dreams so I just need to say this
Izier is a terrible person who I always regret being around or speaking to alarmingly quickly after starting. It’s deeper than terrible of course but I am high :(
I don’t want him. I want the feeling I had with him during the good times. I want to fall into that deep satisfaction and comfort of feeling held.
But we are not compatible and I truly wonder how much Hannah is looking over simply because I kinda already know. Who knows lol maybe her brain is fucked like his. Like maybe they get along but idk that guy is fucking nuts lmaoooooooo
You know what tho I don’t wanna laugh!!!! There is a part of him I love so much lol but the rest! He’s AWFUL. Ultimately I’m over it BUT and I will acknowledge fully that there is a but, there is a part of me that is happy I have moments with him in my dreams. And it hurts that someone could treat me that way, and that I would allow it.
It’s sad. Not knowing what the truth was. It’s confusing.
I can’t believe I feel into that Tre shit either like it really shook me and woke me up. I don’t want to do all that.
The slow burn is better and I know it. The flash fucking sucks. Tumultuous ass shit fuuuuuuuuucking sucks.
There’s a part of me that’s like you know what cool for you I hope you’re happy like I really wanna fully let go of my anger. But at the same time it’s like NO! FUCK THAT GUY I HOPE HE DIES! But I’m tired of that too lol
Ugh. A lot of things to get in order.
0 notes
Text
2.16
I just drove past my (parents) house and my aunt and her husband are there and I just can’t go in there rn. I’m parked on the side of Eugene’s house.
Idk what to make of life rn. There are many things I want to do. I want to get out of bed and go experience life… seems like such a simple thing but idk
I really don’t wanna be perceived at this particular moment. I wish I had more of a choice than sitting in my car.
I feel like I’m retarded?????????????
Something is wrong like why do I simulate death every weekend. All I do is space.
This is everywhere. I don’t wanna be writing right now I guess but idk I feel like there’s so much I want to say that I just have no idea how to put my finger on.
Yeah I think I’d be repeating myself if I kept on bye lol
0 notes
Text
2.5
Lmao I had izier dreams two nights in a row????
Idek what they were about but they were definitely the ones where one minute we’re in contact or even intimate in one way or another and then in an instant we are not.
Then I was trying to figure out how I got ahold of him in the first place. It’s always like this, after we lose contact I’m scrambling looking in the weirdest places for clues or trying to find a device to use to contact him. It’s so weird.
I think this is because of the volatile nature of our relationship, it’s my inability to control our interactions. I would never reach out to him, and because of my unshakable pride when it comes to that, I cannot control that. I just will never. Plain.
There is no case in which that happens.
Not with anyone! I will never go backwards. Not Katie, not Emanuel, not Joel, NO ONE. And thrice for izier.
In the dreams, the times we have together feel like somber relief.
Just had the weirdest vision of how the dream is pieces of us meeting in the astral and feeling that relief because they don’t get to be together in waking hours and it’s hard to find each other in the astral.
I don’t want him back because I know who he is but I really miss those little pieces of the guy I thought he was deep down, or could have been.
But he never will be! Things like this make me wish I could sleep all the time.
0 notes
Text
1.16
Watch out there’s a new app called journal but idk idk
I am generally feeling good. I’m glad to be moving into the east at school…
idk why I even opened this app????
Cause like I have nothing to say??????
I’m still grossed out by the situation with Tre but that is subsiding. I giggled about it with shamira on Sunday and that shook some yuck out of my system.
Because 🤢 I cannot believe I participated. I mean I can but I can’t. I wish I would have not, and now I know for next time!
That bechdel test tired as hell ain’t she
No other news.
0 notes
Text
1.8
DUDE yesterday I saw the posted this essay lmao on fb and I read it and he full on talked about being in love with someone lmao it gave me an ick so bad I blocked him everywhere cause wtf so gross
Anyway yeah I am off dating. Like I can have conversations all day long but I will not be considering anyone as a potential anything lol. None of that.
I have a lot to do. A lot to be. I’m really not worried about all that, it’s super triggering and I would like to be much more stable before considering that. But again I’m back to: idk if it will ever happen and that’s not to say I’m closed off, I just don’t feel it rn. I don’t feel it any time soon at least. It’s weird.
I definitely don’t see a great importance. I have sooo much else to fill my time with. And that’s key isn’t it. Just doing my own thing fully, for fulfillment. And then if anyone worthwhile comes along, they can go thru whatever steps they think are appropriate and we can go from there.
But I will be collecting fun lil flings here and there for sure. But rn isn’t the time. I wanna drop some weight and tone up. Then go show off in the field lmao ew!
But really one day I’m gonna turn up lmao then watch out
0 notes
Text
1.6
Not much has been going on. I still feel the tiny rumblings of the bud. That is, the thing inside me that is waking. The connected one. I am making small movements toward her.
I am supposed to be meeting up with shamira tomorrow.
I “made friends” with people at school. I mean I really feel like there’s more of a connection between us now. I think what happened is I let my guard down and it went well. Don’t get me wrong, I won’t put much stock in it, but it is nice to know I am liked. No one goes silent around me like they do with Colleen. You know? Idk why I feel like she’s a point of reference for how “normal” I am but it’s like omg mommy try masking?
Anyway yeah, we all gossiped about Hannah and Rey and how putrid that whole thing is. How embarrassing! But fun between the four of us. And I drove Angela home which was really nice and fun! We love a kindergarten diary mama!
I’m exhausted. Nothing much to report, I’m doing fine.
0 notes
Text
12.25
Something fucked my stomach up :) mewwy twimn
I saw photos of a man today that made me cringe so bad. Everything truly works out in my favor and I am so divinely protected it’s wild.
Because wtf was I doing?
I was knocked off my pivot. Regretfully. But now I know and I will not be doing that again. Things are very clear now and harder to ignore or brush off.
I have so much I want to do and aim to accomplish. Not just here in the physical either. I have lots of work to do in the spiritual. I’m tryna be unshakeable. This last thing helped a lot with that. Now I know what being shook feels like, and can better decipher in the future what feelings are not feelings I should allow to steer my direction.
Thanks for the lesson! Got it.
0 notes
Text
12.20
I just looked at some pics of Tre and I’m just……mad? Cause he really is cute! But also sooooo not right for me like there were sooooo many times he said things that just rubbed me sooo wrong lol
But I will hand it to him that he’s cute.
I wonder if I will ever hear from him again. Watch him work his way back out of the woodwork when I drop some more weight lol watch
I’m gonna unhide my story from him when I shape up lmao and waaaaaatch.
But you know what I realized is that a really shit version of me took over probably because I needed to shake him one way or another but I always ignore the “he’s not good enough for me” pangs. Because I hate that. But you know what? It’s true. In the sense that we just don’t actually fit. It was very forced. Unfortunate lmao
But honestly it would be better for him to leave it where he dropped it. Because knowing what I know now, it just won’t happen between us. I wish I could find his physical clone lol but like one whose mind actually fits with mine lol
Not one I look at and go eeeggghhhh
0 notes
Text
12.19
I am once again stoned before class 😎
I’m all jacked up! I am really just high and everything is so icky when i look too closely
WOOF
And really it’s all still a distraction from what I’m actually supposed to be focusing on which is how to do better????? I’m just too high, I’m doing fine. I’m doing my best. But it still feels like I’m not. And I don’t know what to believe?
I realized recently that I don’t know who I am. I’m so stuck in people pleasing still. Even by being like withdrawn??? Like me withdrawing and not giving someone an opportunity to be offended by me lmao???? Am I making sense????? Girl idk
I need to breathe lol
I never feel good enough, but I know I am? Idk how to make those two blend. Are they supposed to?
Is this diagnosable? Is it normal?
It would greatly benefit me to not get this high before anything. Like I’ll manage but rn I’m not thrilled.
Maybe I should smoke less lol
I need to exercise dude like take some walks at work or something…..get some of this energy out. Ugh.
Anyway yeah I was too high I’m cool now
0 notes
Text
12.17
I am once again high 😎 so I’m feeling very weird! There’s a piece of me that wants to shame myself lmao it all just makes me feel dumb. Everything.
0 notes
Text
12.17
Oh man lol today is December 17
When i was in 6th-8th grade, something “bad” happened to me this day for all three years.
I wish i could remember what the last two were… but the first was Megan Stancoff and Cory Massey (LMAO) started “going out” this day when i was in 6th grade. In this essay I will…
Anyway.
In my magnifying glass-ass self-assessment that’s been happening in the last week, I’m having an interesting time trying to not be disgusted with myself lol but i also feel like I should let myself be disgusted and use that as an energetic reminder like OOP girl remember this doesn’t make you feel good! Don’t do that! Your mental illness is showing! Let’s clean it up lol
I don’t know why i do this! I realize I really don’t care whether or not I talk to someone. I’ll go back to life! But like, why do I throw myself into it like that?
You know what I think that’s just my style and it hasn’t clicked with the right person and I’ve been trying to sway things just to see if I can. I think that’s the truth of it. Because I really don’t need him.
I think I’m just activating my nervous system unnecessarily……. Like! I like the thrill of it and it shouldn’t all be thrilling lol take that how it resonates
OOP BIG PUSH TO PURGE - pare down
So gross so gross lol just had flashbacks of a certain nature
And they just keep coming lol
I think I need to take a nap
0 notes