I almost feel like I want to wait until the night/day of the season finale to watch everything.

Idk I’m annoyed that this whole thing is triggering me so much.

Like I thought I was better and then that sneak peak brought the anxiety back up.

Idk I hate not being here and not talking to you guys and not being able to be in the fandom like I normally can. I hate that my comfort show is not comforting right now. It makes me so frustrated.

Like why is this affecting me so much? I know I’m not okay but like damn… I really am not okay.

I just want to go back to how I was three weeks ago and I thought I was but I’m clearly not.

Idk guys I feel like I’m disappointing yall or something. Cause a part of me is excited to see this play out because logically I know they’re gonna get back together and I usually live for the character development and angst but I don’t know how to get to a place right now and enjoy that journey like I used to.

This is annoying. I’m annoyed. I’m mad at myself.

I’ll let yall know on Tuesday what the plan is. Maybe talking to my therapist will help 😂

,

Personal af but, my blog my rules you know?

I had such a great break through/realization in therapy today. And it’s so weird cause with it comes this sense of peace and hope that finally parts of me are healing and I won’t be thinking the way I do now for the rest of my life but then at the same time figuring out a root and having that realization of where so much of my anxiety and fear is coming from is painful.

Because I know it wasn’t intentional, but it still happened and reconciling those two things is so fucking hard. I want to scream at them, and rage and cry and ask why even tho I know it will fall on deaf ears and then just hug them and continue living in ignorance or something so that things don’t change. It’s a weird combination of emotions right now.

(I’m being vague cause if yall do read this out of curiosity— cause that’s what I would do lol — im not entirely ready to be completely open about it yet in this type of public space not that anyone deserves or needs to know but still maybe someday not today)

But anyway I feel like I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. It’s taken a year and a lot of years but I’m not as broken anymore and all those invisible cracks I didn’t know I had are finally healing. I still have a long way to go, but the road isn’t as daunting anymore and I feel more hopeful than anything else. Like I finally know and believe that eventually I’m gonna “normal” and that no matter the outcome (LC or NC) I’ll get through it and be okay. For real.

Not the wedding dance song coming on while I’m at the nail salon….

This is rude universe.

I miss happy chenford 😭

Hi. Fellow Chenford Swifties…

Down Bad, am I right?

Album 2 is daytime’s problem 😭

I can’t stay up any longer

Why does she do this to us 😭😭😭😭😭

I’d like to thank ABC for announcing season 7 yesterday, because it was my birthday.

That was a fantastic present.

Thank you very much 💁🏼‍♀️💕

I need to just gush on here about the jacket my bff/soul sister made me for my birthday 😭🥰

LOOK AT THIS MASTERPIECE

I’m deceased.

she freakin made that! I feel so loved 😭

Hi I’m only here to put a thought down I had while changing out my vase of flowers and then I’m returning to my hiatus of mental health wellness 🥰

Imagine Tim got Lucy flowers, and then they break up and she goes home (alone, without him for the first time in who even knows how long) and sees the vase by her bed with the bouquet. She thinks about throwing them away (like she thinks Tim threw them away) but can’t bring herself to do it, so they sit there on her night stand.

And slowly just die.

And then on the day she has to finally throw them out because they’re beyond saving, Tim knocks on her door.

Okay bye 😘

So I tried to come back this morning because I wa feeling a little better but seeing the “how it started vs how it ended” gifs kinda sent me right back

And I completely get that this is such an irrational reaction to a fictional break up. But chenford has been my comfort for a while now, and something I relied on to be consistent and not change (that’s also silly I know)

So really this is has brought up a lot of feelings of uncertainty and change and I really struggle with those two feels right now/lately

So I think I may extend my break from here until the show comes back. Or we get season 7 news. Which ever comes first.

I’m sorry guys, I know this is stupid but I’m just… it really threw my mental health into crisis mode and I’m having a hard time.

So… I love you guys. Enjoy the spec and gifs and talking and I’ll see you soon 💕

Okay I’m gonna be complete honest with you guys, because that’s who I am.

I am not okay. I haven’t been for about a year but healing isn’t linear so I knew I’d have weeks/days when I’m not good. The past two weeks I’ve been teetering on not good.

But the rookie and chenford has been my go to comfort for the past year. And last night while I expected it in some way, and as silly and embarrassing as this sounds, was like the last thread I had keeping me together and it broke when they broke up. I know that’s so stupid and embarrassing and immature but that’s where I’m at

So I think I’m gonna step away for a minute to gather myself and get my brain straight and come back

Just be gentle to my fellow neurospicy and depression ridden peeps okay? Because you never know what’s gonna trigger someone

Tim did everything he could not to let anyone else get involved. He took the actions to let the sole responsibility be his. The second he showed up on Lucy's doorstep after self isolating for all those days, when she told him to leave, he saw the way he already could not save her from his self destruction. The pieces of his self worth were already starting to chip. Tim was already spiraling without anything to grasp onto. When it all came to a head in that fight, Lucy only gave him the option to tell her what was going on. She willingly took on the risk. She understood what it meant for her, for them, to step into the mess together. And it is damn messy. I don't think Lucy ever expected for the level of brokenness that Tim is experiencing. Tim is a shell of himself right now and being rational isn't exactly going to be at the forefront of his actions. He despises himself and how he feels like poison to those he loves. He openly admitted to Lucy that he feels worthless and should not be loved the way she loves him. Do you actually think that if two of the people he loved most in the world were not involved, he would have still lied? Hell no. He would have told the truth because it would have been his penance. He would have wanted that punishment. Losing everything would only be a sliver of what he feels like he deserves right now. He only lied to protect them. The quality we always praised him for. The "fierce protector" and now that he's doing it in a way that hurts, you got a problem? It's ugly and that's okay. Let it be ugly. The road to self love and forgiveness is not meant to be easy. It's not meant to be smooth. It will be beautiful though when Tim finally learns making mistakes doesn't mean he isn't worth the effort. He's going to claw his way out of this and they'll find their way back to each other as they always have. That love is a forever love, period.

I think I’m gonna feel better about this when the announce season 7 😭😂

tim walking away from the women he loves because he thinks they’re better off without him 😢

OKAY BUT

Tim saying to Lucy in 6x03: "You could never disappoint me"

Tim supporting Lucy in 6x04 after she did something terrible that made her question her own self-worth and morality

Tim saying in 6x02 that his issues shouldn't get in the way of Lucy achieving her dreams

Tim saying in 6x05 that he isn't going to have his drama infect Lucy

Tim refusing to see that he is worth everything to Lucy, the same way she is worth everything to him .............

Not me crying at 5 am cause Tim thinks he's protecting Lucy from himself by leaving 😭

Also that last forehead kiss is just filled with so much love and turmoil

Yes I was clearly very wrong 😭

I just know when chenford gets home and they’re finally done with this they are

Gonna fight a little more — they’re good at it and Tim’s future wife needs to get it into his head that he can’t just not rope her in. They’re partners

Gonna have the best most soft, gentle, loving make up sex ever