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My Updated Updated NBA Predictions (aka... Oops)
What I got wrong:
The Bucks, Nets, Wizards, Jazz, and Kings: I had all of these teams in the playoffs. Oops.
John Wall as ROY: how was I supposed to know Blake Griffin was a fucking monster? Oops.
Oh, I had the Spurs in the playoffs... in the seventh seed: I thought they were permanently done. Oops.
What I got right (most of these were just guesses, but whatever):
Defensive Player of the Year: That's right. The toughest one to guess... and the awards haven't been announced yet, but I already know. How awesome is that?!?!
The firings: I said both Jim O'Brien and Larry Brown would be gone.
I had the Heat finishing in the top 2 in the East, which they did: I had them at #1 (Orlando at 2).
I said the NBA Finals would be on ABC: WHOA!!! RIGHT AGAIN!!!
What's going to happen now:
Rookie of the Year: Blake Griffin, no doubt.
Most Improved Player: Kevin Love, duh!
Coach of the Year: Tom Thibodeau, because he got the first seed in his first year. Runner-up: Gregg Popovich. Props to George Karl and Doug Collins.
Defensive Player of the Year: Dwight Howard. That is all.
Sixth Man of the Year: Lamar Kardashian.
Most Valuable Player: Derrick Rose, even though LeBron and Dwight deserve it more. If only I could vote...
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Interview with Bear, the Jazz mascot
Here’s my interview with Bear, the Utah Jazz’s mascot:
Me: What is your favorite part of being you?
Bear: The best part of being the Bear is going out and being a part of the community. I love doing charity work. Working the games is amazing as well, we have the best fans in the business and they are all so supportive.
Me: Is there something Jerry Sloan does to make him so perfect?
Bear: I am not sure what Jerry does to be such a winning coach. I would say that his old school attitude and his drive for perfection is what makes him so great.
Me: Do you personally own a t-shirt gun?
Bear: No I do not own my own t-shirt gun, but I would love to have one to shoot potatoes with.
Me: Are you currently in a relationship or are you single?
Bear: Yup!
Me: That Bison guy from Oklahoma won Mascot of the Year. What happened to you?!?!
Bear: The mascot for the Thunder is amazing and he deserved the award. Besides it’s nice to share the spotlight sometimes.
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Best, Bust, or Cusp 2
Are these 5 NBA teams the best… are they busts… or are they on the cusp of something great? (Teams determined randomly, via the Random # app on iPhone, then arranged alphabetically.)
Atlanta Hawks (29-16) - On the cusp. This team has talent, but they haven't been able to capitalize on it. Nor will they be able to, with the daunting Magic and Heat setting their bases for the years to come. All hope will be lost when Carmelo joins the Knicks next year. Look for a first round exit this year. [Final Proj. Finish: 5th in the East]
Chicago Bulls (30-14) - Best. They have one of the best point guards in the game, plus young talent at all the other pieces. They are a team to be feared going forward. (Don't forget that the majority of their wins this season have come without star center Joakim Noah.) Look for a surprising playoff run this year. [Final Proj. Finish: 4th in the East]
Los Angeles Clippers (17-26) - You have got to be kidding me. That's right, I just created a new category. Reason #6 you should hate being a Clippers fan: Blake Griffin is going to leave you. Reason #7 you should hate being a Clippers fan: the only thing you have a chance at winning is the dunk contest. Reason #8 you should hate being a Clippers fan: I bend the rules just to ridicule you. (I could go on and on.) Look for failure now, failure tomorrow, failure forever. [Final Proj. Finish: 10th in the West]
Portland Trail Blazers (25-20) - Bust. I thought this team would be a 4 seed in the playoffs, going into the season. I know Roy says he expects to play again this season, but lets face it... two of their most prized possessions are extremely injured. Look for changes. [Final Proj. Finish: 8th in the West]
Sacramento Kings (9-32) - Bust. I make fun of the Clippers whenever I can, but at least they aren't the Kings. Look at the two teams. The Kings seem to be more talented, right. Look for sucking. [Final Proj. Finish: 14th in the West]
#Reasons you should hate being a Clippers fan#The Kings suck#Portland Trail Blazers#Sacramento Kings#Los Angeles Clippers#Blake Griffin#Failure#Best Bust or Cusp#Chicago Bulls#Atlanta Hawks#Random#Random app
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Hindsight for Sore Eyes
We all make mistakes... don't lie to yourself. But what kind of blogger would I be if I just forgot about all of the stupid things I've ever said? So here we go:
Yes, in an attempt to get on the side of popular opinion, I deleted my second ever post, then admitted my mistake. I was actually right about that one.
Yes, I put the Golden State Warriors at 13 on my power rankings.
Yes, I called the Chiefs elite and I said the Browns were almost there.
Yes, I actually did not know how the NFL Playoff matchups worked.
Yes, I called you dumb for picking the Seahawks to beat the Saints. Oops.
And yes, I have no clue how to do the whole comment thing on tumblr. But I'll figure it out.
Okay, bitches, you've had your fun. Now here are all the things I got right:
I WAS RIGHT ABOUT THE PEJA TRADE, BITCHES!
Yeah, that's the only thing I was right about.
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Keeping My Fingers Crossed - NBA Matchups
Here are 5 NBA Matchups I'm crossing my fingers to happen and 5 that I'm hoping won't happen.
BUY
Griffin v. Mosgov, Pt. 2 - This will happen, and it will happen on February 9 IN NEW YORK. Blake Griffin's first game in MSG should be wonderful, especially if he has another monster dunk against Tim Mosgov. Tim, may I introduce you to Blake's shin? Reason #4 you should hate being a Clippers fan: Tim Mosgov's name is more famous to you than your backup point guard.
Celtics v. Knicks - I think this would be cool. Maybe a long first or second round playoff series could heat things up among these two former foes. That would make a grand total of 4 regular season games THAT much more interesting.
Westbrook v. Nash - Derrick Rose is great, but he's not the next generation of Steve Nash. I think, perhaps, Russell Westbrook is, though. He feeds one or two great offensive players, he drops 30 points as necessary, and he plays good D. Out with the old, and in with the new.
Bulls v. Jordan - This one sounds like a lawsuit Chicago might have launched at Jordan after he retired the first, second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, and seventh time. But in all seriousness, I would like to see a Bulls/Bobcats playoff series. ESPN wouldn't mention Charlotte AT ALL. It would be all about Jordan and his "mystique."
Spoelstra v. Jackson - If you ask me who will win a game between two equal teams (player-wise)... one that has a great coach, and one that has a nobody coach, I will take the former. But when you give me two mismatched team, the better one with an "inferior" coach, I'll take the better team. That's what Heat/Lakers would mean to me. A chance to prove what I believe. Lets. Go. Heat.
SELL
Drunken, Angry, Eighth Seed Cleveland Fans v. LeBron, Pt. 2 - No. No. No. Not only will the Cleveland Cavaliers NOT be making the playoffs this year, but I will not let this happen. LeBron should have an airplane full of body-guards any time he comes near Cleveland in the regular season. God knows what would happen when the Cavs have some unrealistic hope of beating the Miami Heat in the playoffs.
Pacers v. Anyone - I don't want the Indiana Pacers in the playoffs. Ever.
LeBatard v. Simmons - Oh God, please don't let this one happen! A Celtics/Heat series in the playoffs would be disastrous for my sanity. If Miami loses, Simmons would tell LeBatard he's wrong. If Miami wins, Simmons would tell LeBatard he's wrong. In either scenario, LeBatard continues to eat nachos.
Cuban v. Stern - If Mark Cuban gets fined in the postseason, it means he lost. If Mark Cuban lost, my team lost.
Griffin v. Wall - These two players are not rivals. They play completely different games, and a Clippers/Wizards game is near the bottom of my "want to watch matchup" list. Think about it... Clippers and Wizards. Reason #5 you should hate being a Clippers fan: I have a running gag on my blog called 'Reasons you should hate being a Clippers fan.'
#Bill Simmons#Dan LeBatard#Drunken Angry Cavs Fans#LeBron James#Indiana Pacers#Russel Westbrook#Steve Nash#Reasons you should hate being a Clippers fan#Boston Celtics#New York Knicks#MSG#Derrick Rose#Michael Jordan#Jordan mystique#Charlotte Bobcats#sue Jordan#Erik Spoelstra#Phil Jackson#Lets go Heat
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NFL Playoff Predictions
(6) Jets over (3) Colts by 7 - I just think that Indy is missing too many pieces to make a big run this year. I can't wait for the hated Jets to get destroyed later on in the playoffs.
(5) Ravens over (4) Chiefs by 3 - The Chiefs have a great running game, but I can't help but think that the Ravens are "too better" to lose this game.
(5) Saints over (4) Seahawks by 14 - This is a trap game, you say? No. It isn't. You're just dumb.
(3) Eagles over (6) Packers by 6 - Hopefully this will end in a last minute touchdown by Michael Vick in overtime, ending the game 79-73. Hopefully.
(6) Jets over (2) Steelers by 3 - They got lucky and won their one meeting this season. I think they get lucky again.
(5) Ravens over (1) Patriots by 7 - The Ravens' defense is very impressive, and so is Tom Brady's arm. This should be a great game.
(5) Saints over (2) Bears by 10 - This is the game that proves Chicago was a fluke. And the game that establishes that New Orleans is great and that Sean Payton is a genius.
(1) Falcons over (3) Eagles by 7 - Oooooh. Vick in Atlanta!
(5) Ravens over (6) Jets by 52
(5) Saints over (1) Falcons by 7 - We know this can happen.
Ravens over Saints - This has been the best NFL season in awhile. Vick, Arian Foster, foot fetishes, the NFC West, Hard Knocks, Brett Favre's watch (and Crocs), the competition, and the Chiefs being the last undefeated team.
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Best of 2010: Sports Teams
10. The one team that Jimmie Johnson drives for - It's racing, so I'll just skip this one.
9. New England Patriots - The Pats are good. Period. It seems like forever since they've had an average year.
8. Boston Celtics - They looked old. Until they kicked LeBron's ass all the way to Miami. Now, they've got their Champ Swagga back.
7. San Francisco Giants - A team that won a World Series that nobody cared about. They're the team of the future that won in the now.
6. Auburn Football - Their quarterback almost got caught. Almost. Every college player should have a "Cecil."
5. Duke Men's Basketball - #1 at the end of last season. #1 at the end of this year. Enough said.
4. Philadelphia Phillies - Yes, it's true. They didn't even make it to the World Series. But their ace pitcher threw a perfect game (albeit against the stinky Marlins) in the regular season, and a no hitter in the playoffs (only the second player in major league history to do so). Plus they got a big catch during free agency. Their mother must be so proud.
3. UConn Women's Basketball - 90 wins in-a-row is incredible. 90 years of irrelevance following those 90 wins is even more incredible.
2. New Orleans Saints - They brought happiness to the city of New Orleans when all else failed. Or should that be Manning and Favre brought happiness to the city of New Orleans when they failed?
1. Los Angeles Lakers - Reason #3 you should hate being a Clippers fan: The Los Angeles Lakers
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Sports Tweets You Won't See in the New Year Pt. 1
In reply to each tweet in Rick Reilly's latest column:
JANUARY
CecilNewt
@TheCamNewton don't worry son, I'll take care of that
BoiseCoach
@BoiseKicker stfu and gtfo of college football
KevinthecornKolb
@DonovanQB I'm buyin!
HotRodBlagojevich
@GovPaterson ikr smh @ society
BoiseKicker
@GOD do I get to blame you too?
FEBRUARY
DonovanQB
@MikeVick7 plz let me be your backup nxt year!
PlaxicoClassico
@AgentZero dude u got it easy. just don't get traded to ny.
JetsKicker
@CoachRyanJets I thought we agreed not to talk about last nite
MARCH
MaloofBros
@CoachCalUK wait so if we have a lockout, and u start ur season, do I have 2 choose a euro player?
RonArtestes
@KimJongIl after the NFL, wanna hire me?
TheEntireMedia
@GenoUConnWomen I'm sorry, but who are you?
PeopleofBoston
@THE_REAL_SHAQ Do I get to touch your face again?
APRIL
AgentZero
@ORLANDOdivorcee ur not anti-gun, are you?
KidsTheseDaysSMH
@OGOchoCinco is it about sex and violence? if not, i don't want it.
ThePeopleoftheUnitedStates
@LeftyMickelson idgas about golf, dude
ThePunkLeBron
@CBarkley U should be limited to 0. Punk.
MAY
ShitMikeWilbonSays
@FloydMayweather Can WE fight? Is that possible? I wanna do this, bitch.
TonyParker
Hopefully this hospital will let me pay in MVP trophies
JUNE
NoOne
<silence>
SherylCrowsfeet
@Lancearmstrong your arm may be strong, but nothing else was
NoOne
<silence, still>
PatRileyPimpinBabay
@ProkhorovNyets too bad he's saying nyet to you and taking his talents to South Beach this offseason, babay!
NoOne
@JimmyClausen can I get it delivered?
DanLeBatard
@DanGilbertsCavs I think I'M going to get to two championships before you
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Cliff LeeBron James
Liking LeBron is like hugging a polar bear. You know you want to, but you also know you'll get killed for doing so.
Cliff Lee did something similar to LeBron: he took less money to play where he was more comfortable. But he (and fans) also did somethings different:
1. There wasn't as much hype
Three years before this past summer, the rumblings began. "Will he go, will he stay?" was a hot question in NBA circles. But there was little lead-up to Cliff Lee's free-agency, in part because he wasn't going into it with 3 or 4 other superstars.
2. Cliff Lee didn't take 2 months to announce his decision (but neither did LeBron)
Technically, LeBron only took 8 days to make his decision, as free agency opened on July 1st, not immediately after the conclusion of the Cavaliers' playoff run.
3. Cliff Lee didn't announce his decision in a rather self-absorbed television special entitled, fittingly, "The Decision."
In LeBron's defense, the money DID go to charity. But we can all agree, "The Decision" was a disaster (for me, only because it gives LeBron haters a reason to hate).
4. Cliff Lee informed the Rangers and the Yankees of his decision before he informed us.
That is probably the one and only thing that gets me about the whole "LeBacle." Why not call Dan Gilbert and tell him you won't be signing with him? You can do it right before the TV special, and you don't have to tell him who you WILL be signing with (just in case he wants to spoil the surprise in order to spite you). Lee told the Rangers, a team he had been with for only a few months.
5. Cliff Lee hasn't taken Doc Halladay and Roy Oswalt with him to an arena full of giddy, drunk fans and pumped Willie Nelson into their crazed brains, promising 5, 6, 7 championships.
And LeBron did, expect with Wade and Bosh. Plus, he wouldn't be caught dead listening to Willie Nelson. Smoking weed with him, yes. Listening to his music, no.
6. Cliff Lee isn't black.
LeBron James got torched for claiming that race played a factor in the hate he received after his decision. He didn't mean that anyone who hates him is a racist (which some are). He simply meant that if a white guy had done what he did, the reaction would be different. Which brings us back to Cliff Lee. No one called him "LeQuiter" (which would work if you added an extra 'e'). No one claimed he couldn't handle the pressure of New York. No one insisted that he should want to pitch AGAINST Roy Halladay, instead of with him.
All of this may not prove that race plays a factor. But it does prove that many of the "anti-LeBron" arguments being thrown out there are bullshit. Happy Holidays, boys and girls.
#Cliff Lee isn't black.#Willie Nelson#smoking weed with willie nelson#LeBron#Cliff Lee#LeBron James#The Decision
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Best, Bust, or Cusp
Are these NFL teams the best... are they busts... or are they on the cusp of something great? (Teams determined randomly, via the Random # app on iPhone.)
Cleveland Browns (5-7) - On the cusp. This team has the toughest schedule in the NFL. Seriously. Look at it. @ Tampa, vs Kansas City, @ Baltimore, vs. Cincinnati, vs. Atlanta, @ Pittsburgh, @ New Orleans, vs. New England, vs. NY Jets, @ Jacksonville, vs. Carolina, @ Miami, @ Buffalo, @ Cincinnati, vs. Baltimore, vs. Pittsburgh. I didn't expect them to win a single game until the Carolina game. [Final Proj. Record: 6-10]
Kansas City Chiefs (8-4) - Best. This team has so many great pieces, that can play now and in the future. Plus they have a douche coach. That's what you need to win a championship. [Final Proj. Record: 11-5]
New York Giants (8-4) - On the cusp. This team is not great by any stretch of the imagination. They have a few good wins (vs. Chicago, namely), and a few horrible losses (vs. Dallas, namely). They're not going to the playoffs, and they might not even keep their winning record. By the way, does anyone else have an unprovoked hatred for Tom Coughlin? [Final Proj. Record: 8-8]
Seattle Seahawks (6-6) - Bust. This team cannot run the ball. This team cannot defend. This team will end up with a losing record. However... this team may make the playoffs. The NFL needs to fix that. No team worse than 8-8 should ever be in the playoffs. That's like having midday Hooters waitresses fill in for the hookers on the corners in the red light district in 1870s New Orleans. Yes, I just made that analogy. [Final Proj. Record: 7-9]
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (7-5) - On the cusp. I have faith in this team when they are healthy. Hey, I just thought of another red light district hooker analogy. [Final Proj. Record: 10-6]
#Unprovoked hatred for Tom Coughlin#Random app#iPhone#Cleveland Browns#Best Bust or Cusp#Kansas City Chiefs#Championship Formula#Douche coach#New York Giants#Seattle Seahawks#Tampa Bay Buccaneers#red light district hooker analogy#1870s New Orleans#midday Hooters waitresses
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Attending Sports Events Just Isn't The Same Anymore
I am far from rich. That means that I am also far from being able to see anything at sporting events. If I want to go to a game, I have to get seats in the brainbleeds. Why would I go to a game when I could just stay home?
The parking:
At your own house, or someone else's house, parking doesn't cost money (unless you or the friend you're visiting is a total douche)
It's not hard to find a spot to park... then find your car afterwards
There cannot be more traffic at this house than at the stadium or arena
The announcers:
If you like the TV announcers (and having knowledge), then good for you! Stay home and avoid stupidity... well, unless you're watching Mark Jackson.
If you don't, you can go fuck yourself. Or watch Mark Jackson.
The beer:
Leaving your seat in the arena and leaving your seat at home are two different things. The beer at home is just a few meters away. The beer in the sporting venues is just a few miles away.
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WHERE WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO VISIT ON YOUR PLANET?
Well first off, we have to define what my planet is. I'm originally from Mars, as some of you know, but I came to Earth during the Carter years. As you wouldn't know any places on Mars, I'll choose a location from Earth.
The Playboy Mansion sounds good, but I'd probably have to go with Urban Meyer's home. I want to meet this "family" he keeps using as excuses to get media attention. (I'm just kidding, Urban. I love you man.)
So am I right or am I right?
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