thepercussioncloset
the percussion closet
stories and advice from a percussionist who's trying her best. here's the mobile navigation page for anyone who needs it 🤙🤙
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Every time my band director says, "from the top" I have to physically resist the urge to respond with, "make it drop"
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AU where all the percussion instruments you’ve ever played come to life as anthropomorphic drum demons and start hunting you down so they can beat the shit outta you with sticks as revenge
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I made a scientific chart ranking instruments by annoyingness of timbre, with accompanying illustrations. Some of the factors I considered were squeakiness and pitch. Upon reflection, I should have moved the double bass to above the percussion, but I can’t be assed to now.
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The sections as things they've said or done in my band
Piccolo: Just because you can hear me doesn't mean I know what I'm doing
Flutes: *throws tuner across the room*
Clarinets: I just didn't realize I'd actually have to do work
Alto Sax: Endless sexual innuendo jokes lol
Tenor Sax: *comes in late* *salutes behind band directors back*
Bari Sax: *comes to every rehearsal stoned*
French Horns: *deep throats leadpipe*
Trumpets: Let's trip on acid before we perform
Trombones/Euphs: I only talk to freshman if they have a watch because that's all that matters
Tubas: *gets boner right before a field show*
Percussionists: *throws drumsticks into the ceiling*
Colorguard: *throws rifle half way across the field* oops
Drum Majors: I just got hit in the boob with a flag, but it's okay
Band Director: Pretend your mellophone is a water gun, and squirt me with your sound
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The instruments as animals
Trumpet: Chihuahua. Very loud. Will not shut up.
Clarinet: Dolphin. Very cheerful and bubbly.
Flute: Hedgehog. Very fragile. Will die emotionally if anything slightly offensive comes out of anyone's mouth.
Piccolo: Cedar waxwing. Will kill your eardrums with one (1) high pitched whistle.
Horns: Stingray. Very graceful. Very intelligent. Will get angry if threatened.
Trombone: Squirrel. Has wayyy to much energy. Will not sit still for any more than .005 seconds.
Sax: Crow. The harbinger of impending doom.
Tuba: Panda. Looks nice but is a crackhead that will bite your face off.
Euphonium: Tasmanian devil. Looks angry 24/7 but is soft inside.
Bassoon: Giraffe. A soft boi. Stays up to ungodly hours of the night, getting 1.9 hrs of sleep on average.
Percussion: Skunk. If you happen to stumble across a percussionist, run.
Oboe: quack quack its a duck
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instruments in order of sexiness
Soprano sax
The entire percussion section
Tenor sax
Alto sax
Bassoon
Bari sax
French horn
Bass clarinet
Clarinet
Flute
Trombone
Oboe
Tuba
Trumpet
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Trombones are the worst. Wanna travel from A to C? On a saxophone you lift one finger. On a trombone you YANK YOUR ARM THE DISTANCE FROM WISCONSIN TO ARIZONA OH MY GOSH
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director: [trumpet player’s name], you need to blow, not suck to get those high notes
principal trombone: yeah, it’s called a BLOWjob not a SUCKjob, you of all people should know that
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