Eddie stays up every night crying, pounding on the wall in sadness because he can’t impregnate his hot boyfriend, Steve.

Alpha Eddie, however, stays up every night pounding Steve’s tight little omega pussy and filling it with babies over and over until he’s absolutely sure that it will take.

OH BOY I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE CRIPPLING ANGST BETWEEN THESE TWO

Fourteenth doctor with longer hair! I've always thought this style would have looked great on him too 😊

We're losing this one too. My levels are low. Progesterone. HCG. Something called a chemical pregnancy she thinks. I go for more labs tomorrow. But the result will probably be the same. Another loss.

I can't keep doing this to myself. This is worse than another negative line. This was hope. I'm slipping. I can't feel all the emotions leaving my body. Leaving me a shell with nothing. Stoic. Blank. Emptiness.

I'm back on the Zoloft.

I'm pregnant again. I don't know how I feel about this. I should be excited. I'm filled with fear. I started the Zoloft in the beginning of may in preparation of my cousins due date and because we found out our friends are pregnant too. I began having pregnancy symptoms a week later. I thought my body was tricking me. Helping me grieve. I looked up "phantom pregnancy" convinced that's what it was. I spoke to my therapist on Tuesday. We gave it until Friday to take a test. I had taken one when the symptoms started, negative. I didn't want to keep seeing negatives. Friday. Friday it was positive. Monday. Monday it was still positive.

My cousin had her baby this morning. I looked at his crying face and felt, I felt nothing. An emptiness. I should be happy. Excited. Instead I'm in a strange state of why, and how. My anxiety is through the roof. I started running again. To expell the energy. Keep my body healthy. To keep this baby. I'm afraid. They told me the last one was strong, healthy. They lied. I don't want to go to the doctor. They lied. My husband wants me to go. To make sure it's going to be ok, to see how far along I am. I'm afraid. I didn't even think my body could do this. This body. This body who has failed me so much. This mind, that whirls and whirls. Running, it stops the whirling. Puts it to sleep.

I stopped taking the Zoloft on Friday.

I'm not sure why I'm like this.

I hate how I am. My sister and one of my best friends are dancing. They are having so much fun. I want to too. I can hear them calling me. I'm just so numb. I want to crawl in a ball and never leave. I hate this. I don't enjoy being like this. Dancing is one of my happy places. I can't even find the energy to try. To be happy. What even is happiness anymore. I laugh. I laughed today. It's not enough.

I think I have them fooled. That I'm not as dead inside as I actually am. I don't actually know what a good day feels like anymore. I guess I have good moments. I mean I laugh. I can't even smile right now. I'm hiding in the bathroom so they don't see how close I am to breaking. I'm broken. I'm a shell. Hollow with a hard shell. I put on a good show, but on the inside. On the inside I'm empty. Fully empty. I can't even find anything to fill the emptiness. I've tried. Reading? Maybe. Even lately though I haven't found soulice in that either. Dancing with my sister and best friend? I can't even walk out of this bathroom to try.

My husband keeps letting me down. We got into a huge fight the other day and I won't let him into our bed. I told him I don't want to try for a child anymore. If he can't be responsible how is he supposed to raise a child? I don't want to raise a child and try to raise my husband. I can't. I need an equal. That decision killed me. All I want right now is a child. It was so hard to make that decision. I can't do it though. I can't try to worry about a child and him. There's too much going on. My mind never stops thinking through all that could go wrong. Yes I'm happy to have a child but I might be on the street because my husband can't seem to not spend money on useless things. I won't be able to pay a mortgage because he decided to go golfing every weekend.

I just to be happy. Why is that so hard? It's just happiness. It's not a difficult thing to attain but it seems so far away. At the end of this dark hall I can't seem to leave. Instead of walking to find the exit, I just lean against the wall and wait for someone to find me. No one is coming though. I need to do it myself, but I'm so tired. I'm exhausted.

I feel stagnant. I'm not really going anywhere. I mean obviously I can't because of quarantine. In life though. I'm just here. Doing what? Being sad all the time. On the verge of crying over nothing. Literally nothing. The other day in was walking through the hall at work and had this sudden intense need to just cry. I shouldn't be sad. I have a loving family, amazing friends, not a bad life at all. With all of that, I still don't feel complete. I'm hollow. I'm just here, sad.

I read a lot. It's nice to escape. Live someone else's life. Mine is so dark and full of blacks and greys but when I read I find color. It frustrates my family and my husband because it looks like I'm hiding or being anti social. They're right, but I don't feel as hollow when I read because I'm not thinking about me or my problems or why I'm sad today or why I can't leave my sheets and pillow. I can feel alive while not actually living. It's almost a non lethal addiction. Sometimes I read so much for so long I don't eat. Instead I nourish myself through the words of two idiots in love over and over and over again.

I'm sick of living in a colorless world. I'm sick of being infertile. I'm sick of the fact that everyone doesn't get it. I'm sick of being this way. But most of all, I'm sick of being stagnant.

I want my house back.

My cousin has been living with us for 5 months and I'm at my wit's end. I'm not in a healthy place to have people living with me. I can't stand people in my space for a long time. Sometimes I'm afraid I start to hate my own children (if I ever end up having them) people they will be in my space all the time. My husband is really the only exception. He's not great about giving me space but as the years go by her tries harder and harder to give me it.

He's very codependent. He always has been. Whenever we are home together he wants to be in my space or touching me and asking me for affection and attention. It's hard denying him because I feel bad but sometimes I just cannot give him what he needs. It feels almost selfish and I already feel bad so I spiral even more. I feel trapped. In my own house. In my bedroom. In my own head.

I just need space and silence. I crave the quiet.

I got my period. I'm debating on calling my OBGYN to get more letrizole or give my body a month without it. We got pregnant the first time because I tried the medication that gave me my period instead getting it naturally. Then beginning the letrizole. I'd rather try that. My body keeps letting me down the natural way.

I went to lunch with a friend yesterday. It was really nice. She has two kids and they are absolutely adorable. She took a picture of us and in it I'm holding the baby in my lap. It's a really cute picture. It's posted on my Instagram story.one of my old co-workers commented on it saying "you look like a natural with a baby in your lap." I immediately started crying.

I wanted to scream. I want to respond "tell that to my body." Instead I cried and "liked" her comment. I hate feeling this way. I feel fragile. I feel weak. I've never been weak or fragile. I'm a blunt, sarcastic person. I don't care what others think of me, that's they're problem not mine. So why are a few words, a few nice words, bothering me so much???

I hate this. I hate who I've become.

I feel like I'm getting worse. I'm a talker. I always have been. My grandmother used to ask "Who put the quarter in you" because I would never shut up. I barely talk anymore. I don't want to talk. I only want silence. Silence is so beautiful, especially when everyone else won't shut up. I hate inane conversation. It's just noise to fill the silence I so desperately want. The only thing I enjoy filling the silence is music. Music is something that makes me feel. I haven't felt anything in a while. I'm numb.

Last night I cooked. I hate cooking but I finally had a quiet house so I actually left my bed. I always enjoy listening to music while cooking, and dancing. They came home when I was almost finished. They turned down my music and started touching things. I didn't eat, I just left the food when finished and went back to bed. I know not eating isn't healthy. It never is. It's worse when I'm trying to get pregnant again. You have to have sex if you want to get pregnant. I can't even do that. I just want to be silent and lay in my bed.

I spent the weekend with my sister. I had a relaxing time. We hung out and it was easy. I didn't have to talk if I didn't want to. We didn't fill the silence with inane conversation. We danced and sang and had a great time. I posted a picture of us before we went out. My husbands Aunt commented on it. "You look really skinny." Isn't that what everyone wants to hear? I saw it and immediately wanted to cry. Of course I'm skinny. I started working out again and stopped eating. That comment made me want to cry because I shouldn't be skinny. I should be swollen and fat and with a child growing inside me. I was actually happier this weekend then I've been in a long time. Now that happiness feels so far away.

I finally called to make an appointment for a therapist. I left a voicemail. They haven't called back and it's been two days. I really do not want to take the Zoloft but I feel like I'm at my breaking point.

We're supposed to be trying this week. I took the letrizole and I'm hoping it worked. I'm sure it did. For some reason though my heart just hasn't been in it. I know the reason. My anxiety. I had two migraines last week and I haven't had one in over a year. My anxiety over this coming weekend is making it impossible for me to even want to have sex but we NEED to and doesn't that just fucking suck.

My cousins shower is this weekend. I'm dreading it. My hands won't stop shaking. I'm going to have to see her and her bump. I bump I should also have. It's going to be staring me in the face. All I lost. All I don't have. All I SHOULD have. I can feel the panic attack under my skin crawling around waiting. I've been keeping it at Bay. I'm not sure how long I can keep it from rising out of me. I don't want to have another one at work. The first one was embarrassing enough. I don't want to have it at home because then my husband will see how bad it actually is. He already knows it's bad, he has no idea the extent of how bad it truly is. I feel helpless. I feel numb. I've lost my appetite and I'm barely sleeping.

Tomorrow I have an appointment to have day 21 cycle labs drawn. At this point I'm not even sure how necessary they are, but my OBGYN wants them done and I got pregnant the last time I listened to her so I'm going. I'm scared that we didn't have enough sex this week to create a pregnancy. We were supposed to try every other day but because of my anxiety and my depression this week it was hard to even have my husband touch me. When it gets this bad physical touch is revolting. Vile. The points where someones touch is on my body feel hot and I want to swat it away. Last night was brutal. We tried to have sex Sunday night and I didn't want to but we needed to. We fought because he wants me to take an active role and I just wanted him to finish and roll over. I ended up stopping him and going into the bathroom to breathe. Last night I gritted my teeth and got him to finish while I tried not to cry because him touching me made me want to cry and scream and thrash against him. I couldn't. I want a child and unfortunately this is how it works. I love my husband. He is my world. He doesn't deserve this. I'm sorry.

It's very difficult when your family doesn't understand your depression. Trying to explain to them just makes me angry because they wave it away and try to tell me I'm not actually depressed. Oh I'm so sorry I didn't realize you were experiencing MY emotions and we were sharing a body. My apologies. I'm very close with my family and I used to talk to my parents everyday on the way home. Since the miscarriage I barely speak to them. They just keep telling me that everyone has miscarriages and it will all be fine and to stop moping. Please stop trying to tell me how I'm supposed to feel. It's infuriating. Yes many people experience miscarriages. It is a fact of life, I'm fully aware of this. Yet, having depression and then having a miscarriage in my personal experience has been really shitty.

I was having a good few days and asked my husband to spend the day with me and he decided he wanted to go golfing with my cousin instead. I've been trying to not be so distant with him as I've been with my family. So when I'm reaching out and trying and he tells me he doesn't want to spend time with me threw me so off. I got so angry I genuinely did not want to be touched. Sometimes it gets so bad that the feel of another person makes me CRINGE, physically and mentally. The way my husband apologizes is by being affectionate. I tried explaining to him not to touch me and he just kept doing it. I wanted to vomit. I've been so aggravated since and that was Sunday. It's now Tuesday and I still do not want to even look at him. He doesn't even understand why I'm so angry and I can't talk to him about it because I just want to laugh in his face when I see him. It's insane how disgusted I am by him right bow. He's my husband. I love him. At this moment though I can't even be near him, I don't know when I'll be ok again but I hope it's soon if I want to have a child. I'm set to ovulate at the end of the week.

It's very difficult when your family doesn't understand your depression. Trying to explain to them just makes me angry because they wave it away and try to tell me I'm not actually depressed. Oh I'm so sorry I didn't realize you were experiencing MY emotions and we were sharing a body. My apologies. I'm very close with my family and I used to talk to my parents everyday on the way home. Since the miscarriage I barely speak to them. They just keep telling me that everyone has miscarriages and it will all be fine and to stop moping. Please stop trying to tell me how I'm supposed to feel. It's infuriating. Yes many people experience miscarriages. It is a fact of life, I'm fully aware of this. Yet, having depression and then having a miscarriage in my personal experience has been really shitty.

I was having a good few days and asked my husband to spend the day with me and he decided he wanted to go golfing with my cousin instead. I've been trying to not be so distant with him as I've been with my family. So when I'm reaching out and trying and he tells me he doesn't want to spend time with me threw me so off. I got so angry I genuinely did not want to be touched. Sometimes it gets so bad that the feel of another person makes me CRINGE, physically and mentally. The way my husband apologizes is by being affectionate. I tried explaining to him not to touch me and he just kept doing it. I wanted to vomit. I've been so aggravated since and that was Sunday. It's now Tuesday and I still do not want to even look at him. He doesn't even understand why I'm so angry and I can't talk to him about it because I just want to laugh in his face when I see him. It's insane how disgusted I am by him right bow. He's my husband. I love him. At this moment though I can't even be near him, I don't know when I'll be ok again but I hope it's soon if I want to have a child. I'm set to ovulate at the end of the week.

My cousin is pregnant

We were six weeks apart in out pregnancies. She told me at Thanksgiving. I was going to wait untill Christmas to tell everyone but I was so excited we were preganant at the same time. Her baby is getting so big and she's so excited so she keeps sending me pictures. I don't want to see them. I think it hurts more because our babies were so close in gestation. Seeing her baby is harder than seeing babies of people I only know from social media. It's much more personal.

I don't know how to tell her that seeing them makes me upset. I don't want her to be upset because of how thrilled and nervous she is. It's not her fault I lost my baby. Seeing those ultrasound pictures though cuts like a knife. Her baby is growing in ways my should have been. Her baby is healthy. Her baby is beautiful. Mine went down my shower drain on the Friday before Christmas.

When it's hard to be happy

Because of my age I see so many people on social media posting their pictures of how preganant they are or announcements of new pregnancies. I'm not a total asshole. I want to be happy for them. Just because I lost my child doesn't mean I can't be happy for those who were able to keep their child. Fuck, it hurts though. I try to scroll as fast as I can through those pictures of people's bumps and how big their baby is in their uterus. My baby is the size of peach! My baby is the size of a melon! Wow. Just wow.

When we were just trying I hated those pictures. Not as much as I hate them now though. Now, it's infuriating because that should be me. Not the fruit pictures, I wouldn't do that even if I was still preganant. But the bump pictures. Seeing the bump grow week to week. Things you don't notice on your day to day life but looking at pictures from a week ago to the present and watching that child grow. That's beautiful. I wanted to be a part of that beauty, I still do.

I am happy for those who are able to participate in that beauty but my envious side likes to sneak in and throw a tantrum. I'm not mean enough or an asshole enough to voice these thoughts into those who are enjoying pregnancy, yet somedays I want to scream at them. Some of the women I follow have gone through the same thing I'm going through. To take that joy away would make me feel so shitty. Seeing them happy that it finally happened to them makes me feel hopeful that it will eventually happen to me as well. It just fucking sucks.

We got the ok that we can start again when I get my period once more. I haven't had a period since October. To be honest I don't want to wait that long because my periods are horrendous. They are incredibly painful. If I can get pregnant again before having to go through that would be a joy. I actually had a follicle developing on its own and was 17mm. So if something happens cool. We're not actively trying but I'm taking advantage of the fact that I'm finally willing to have sex again since I haven't wanted to in months. My husband is happy, he's excited that Im actually enjoying having sex again. We'll see what happens in a few weeks.