The Story of How I Fell In Love With Unwritten History

So I’m in a whole relationship right? Like a whole fat ass relationship. Like me plus her equals nobody else . Its kinda dope and kinda like coccaine . If that makes any sense at all . We definitely have our rollercoasters but I’ll killl anyone over her and I stand on that . Best part its with who I chose and not who my parents chose or approved of. I actually dont care whether they approve of me or not. Mom didnt want kids anyways. As she put it, she likes “ a return to sender kid “ I know she used to joke about it but I later found it to be true. So at this point either you like my happiness or you dont. But anyways, So we met the first time at work, Afni Call Center to be exact. She was a bet. By bet I mean with green money with coworkers. So I bet that I would get smashed by this girl and they would each owe me 50 bucks. I mean who can turn down money. Plus she was kinda cute and I know she was watching my little booty when I would walk away . I was 80 pounds lighter when we first met . 

But here lately things have gone to shit . I can admit I fucked up . Well in the beginning . I cheated . She found out . But I was honestly gone tell her everything but she found out I broke her heart all that and then some . Since I put all my business out there . Only reason why I cheated was because I wanted a kid . I wanted her for sure but I wanted a kid . As time passed us by I realized she doesn’t want kids at all . So I had to make a decision , kids or stick around for my one true love in my adult life . So I looked her in the face , I probably had tears In my eyes and told her I chose her . She looked at me with confusion for a little and I dont think she anted me to flat out give up kids. But I was gone doe what I had to do to keep her by my side . 

Now before we get to me cheating . I had an apartment on Old Morgantown Road . I loved that damn space man . Hard wood flooring . Storage unit . I had a w/d hook up . I had a good apartment and I could afford it and be able to live my best life . Rent was 475 a month . Utilities and water ran me about 80 . So I was well within my budget . But my dumb ass got involved with this man who I thought I could change . I was trying to hear from nobody about nothing . I wasnt trying to hear that he was cheating because I felt like I gave him no reason to cheat . I was giving him everything and then some . Hell I let his stupid ass cousin stay on my couch . So they were living rent free right , I know stupid Kendra always doing dumb shit . I should have opened my eyes but I didn’t . 

Well he and I are definitely no longer together . He got my little cousin pregnant . I dont know whats worse . That she knew he was still living with me . That she knew we was kin . That he knew we was still together , fucking and living together and I never ask for a dollar . Or that my bosses had to call me in the office with another one of my cousins and sit me down to tell and show me that he was cheating and she was pregnant . It even shocked me that she tried to question me about my niggas car . Like girl he and I live together so yes maam I’m gone drive his car . and she was in shock to see me in the drivers seat . huh . Aint that funny how it all played out though ? But you know , karma got took his dick for a minute . He got the worst news of his life . His heart was just as shattered as mine . His trust was screwed if not worse than mine . He found out that while he was too busy cheating on me , she was getting knocked down by his cousin . LMFAO SERIOUSLY . He did all that cheating and got that girl pregnant and ended up getting played himself . So while I was his woman , he had a side bitch who had a side nigga , but THE SIDE NIGGA HAD A SIDE BITCH . I hadnt had sex with him in a while because things started getting to me and I was becoming very suspicious so I was still going to get checked anyways . But yea . What a fckd up love hexagon . Crazy how we all worked together . But when I reached my snapping point . I became a little on the ratchet side and called his mom and told her come get her sons belongings because he was homeless again . My cousin didnt have her own spot so somebody had to come take care of him because by that time I was done pretending . 

Shit got bad for me mentally . I had me fckd up . I lost my job and went broke because I drank and popped it away . I know definitely wasn’t the right thing but I just wanted to feel numb to everything . I didnt really care how I got high just as long as I as high I was okay and at peace . 

Alot of time went by and my past came back . She made me feel safe . And she saw me ; like the actual me . She knew something was up . Hell I gained 50 pounds since the last time we seen each other . But when she came back . I dont know if I was more so excited to see her or trying to fuck her right there on the floor at work . I walked in the door and the moment I seen her ... I didnt care who I was talking to , I think Wanda , I’m sorry boo but I seen my old boo and just had to do it . I could not help myself I had to hug her before I did anything else . I had a little more weight on me too because during our last encounter , hmm hmm , I was a bit smaller and hadnt grown boobs yet . So when she seen me running 90 mph to her ; baby girl was in for a shock . 

Time went by and we started seeing each other a little more outside of work . Then she started to spend the night . But when she started doing that , I think I made things a little complicated for her at her moms . I had no intentions of doing so but it kinda got weird because she wasnt coming home very much any more . But yall , when I had her all to myself . Do you know how many times I undressed this girl with my eyes . I mean she standing there fully clothed and I seen EVERY INCH of her thru them clothes . It was bad yall . lol . She kinda eventually sorda moved in ; even though I thought she had already moved in . Time went by and things were okay ya know . We were just in the “ talking “ phase and just filling eachother out . She started to grow on me a little more than I planned . and then I wanna say it was my birthday or after ? Baby girl was so drunk . She , our friend Ladaya , and I went to go grab food and drinks . Weeellllllll , I trapped her into drinking and drinking and drinking . We got home ? and she drank and and got funnier as the night went on . I remember that day like it was yesterday and the videos I have are absolutely the funniest videos I have ever recorded . “ butt clouds “ and the car honk that about gave her a damn heart attack . 

Anywho times have went on . We decided to go to hilltop and live there . Who would have thought we would live together because I was stern on not wanting to live with her . It was weird living there . Always wondering if or when we were going to get a roommate . Then ? Thats the first time I ever broke a heart . See , she was always wanting to like distinguish a title. Meanwhile I am petrified of titles and labels and shit . Plus I have labeled myself for so long I didnt want to put a label on she and I . So I waited and waited and waited and decided to test waters . By testing waters meaning , I caught baby fever BAD . LIKE BAD BAD . I wanted a kid so bad I didnt think about talking to her first , I was just hoping one day I could be like , surprise baby we are having a baby ; butttttt I was gonna tell her how I got pregnant IF if actually happened . But she kinda beat me to it . She seen the messages on her tablet and as you know it went to shit from there . I broke her heart . I wasnt sure if or when she would or could ever forgive me . ( its JAn232021 ) and I know she still hasn’t forgiven me for anything . Not sure if she will ever get past it enough to love me love me .

 We made it official , May 2019. By that time the only things that mattered to me were building a life with her. Come August 2020 . We got a place together and as time went on, I knew something was wrong but I would rather ignore it than have to go to the doctor because that just aint my cup of tea. I hate doctors.. they always wanna diagnose people with shit. I just didn’t wanna be one of those people so I held out as long as I could before it got to the point of being unbearable . I lost yet another good job . At first they thought it was covid and it wasnt . I tested negative for covid . Then I had like 5 appointments that following week . I was put on all types of stuff . I was throwing up everything . I was crying non stop . I was doing things not in my normal regimen . Thats when things fell harder on her . Harder as in bills , and stress and everything . I became that burden . I became the thing in the relationship that puts everything on the line . I became the complete faliure in the relationship . 

I wasn’t able to help like I planned . in fact my checks were so small that every pay day because I had all my bills and people I owed money to on auto pay and I kept amking promises, put me in the negatives . I was in the negatives for 3 to 4 months . So imagine being the one in the relationship who didnt feel welcome . Who didnt feel like I desrved the love and things like that . All I wanted to do was help out and I couldn’t . Made me want to pack up and wait until I knew she was gone so I could leave . I didn’t know what to do . But I knew I was pretty much of no use . I knew that she resented me . I knew it pushed things back so far it may never come back to normal . 

But now , Im better than I was still struggling though .  But I have this amazing job . I have a job where I can do my part and not hurt . I have a job where I can finally help out now . But its not enough . I’m not enough . The love is not enough anymore . I have became disposable . I have become the one who broke and shattered her heart and trust in her adult love life . How do I come back from it ? How do I rescue something that may have already died ? Am I worth it ? Am I better off without ? Do I deserve her ? She deserves the world and I want to give it to her I do .

But idk , maybe my mom was right . just maybe the only things I’m good at are singing and laying on my back . Havent accomplished shit yet . Got banned from a job because I tried to put my hands on someone . Got fired from 3 good fucking jobs because of my health . 

Im crashing at this point . My future is on edge . I am on edge . this is not cool dude . 

I'm trying to change although the family and friends bring up my past altercations with people. Y'all mfs don't know me. I'm too nice to disloyal people. I go out of my way for people. And tbh seeing kids now days NOT succeeding does make me cry. People don't know me. Yes I go to church every Sunday. But I don't claim to be this perfect Christian person that lots of you claim to be. I am me accept me or not I am becoming who I WANT TO BE because for years I was trying to become who OTHERS WANTED ME TO BE. I am learning to love me. You people don't know what all I have done to fit in. But this is my life and I am taking control of it, once and for all. Removing those who tried to change me because of what they wanted instead of what I wanted. 💯🙌🏾👌🏾

My biggest down fall is caring too much , I'm the biggest ass hole I've ever come across BUT I have a big heart . I don't care for everyone . I don't cry to just anyone because I don't trust everyone . If I care about you I make it known . You need something I'm there unless I can't get to you . Plain and simple . But when I stop fighting for you and fight with you , just know . . . I am starting less and less to care about you because it's not worth it anymore .

Why be so pressed over something small or something you won't remember a week from now ‼️I can't lie and say I didn't used to be like that but now I'm just like oka and shruggin my shoulders . Nothing is worth a headache anymore . If you not putting money in my pockets what is there to stress about ‼️ I'm learning to love everyone but some it'll just be from a far distance 💯

One thing that pisses me off is when females get checks every month whether it be from they kid(s) father , disability , unemployment ... Whatever talkin bout the next person broke ! While your partying off of your child support that you complain about EVERY TIME you turn around , not working because your oka with the unemployment check , or you get a disability check but for its just asthma or something like that ? HAVE A SEAT . There are females that work daily that don't struggle and then there's some that don't feel like impressing the next female and then there are some working 2 jobs to make ends meet and then there's YOU . Sitting at home not worried because you know you got a check coming at the end of the month 👀👂🏾👀👂🏾 ✋🏾 I'll wait .

Some things are better left unsaid . I ain't with arguing with people no more . I ain't gonna beg nobody to be in my life . I most definitely didn't ask you to enter my life , you could have shot me a 👋🏾 and✌🏾️ kept it 🚶🏾😘☺️ . There are about 5 or 6 people I talk to on a day to day or every other day basis ‼️most of you have motives for coming into people's lives . 💯 -RantOver

Either you support LGBT or you dont . Cant straddle the fence

People can say all day long they love their gay nieces and nephews all they want but when it comes down to it they don't . They don't support someone else's happiness but they want to be supported for their happiness . ⏸ that's not how it works ‼️ You have those homophobic hypocritical lying two faced ass people in your life that are quick to judge and dictate . Someone please tell me what has the 👬👭LGBT community done to you ? Oh I'm sorry that your child / children / etc is attracted to the same sex . But that's not hurting you . If someone is genuinely happy leave them the fuck alone . YOUR SIN IS JUST AS BAD AS THEIRS . ‼️‼️ Only you can see theirs . Yours 🤔 is behind closed 🚪 eating away at your fucking minds because you are always trying to hide the REAL YOU . I applaud ALL of the LGBT Community for being themselves . #RantOver I just hate hypocrites and liars and two faced wanna be perfect ass people who think their way is he best way because they feel they know it all .

Am I the only person who finds comfort in screaming while tears fall ? I mean I feel better . They say some things are better left unsaid . But what if it's what's needed to be said ? What if at some point you have to let it out . And screaming is the only way . Or crying it out in the shower . Or whatever . Never deny your feelings . EVER ‼️

Whats youre take on church or religion? How does or doesn’t it effect you?

You know , I havent been to church in God knows how long . I used to be excited about going to church , singing and hearing the word . Now ? I feel anxious or mad or irritated . I got so wrapped up in trying to " fit in " I forgot who I was . I dont want to have to fit in coming to the  House of God ; I dont want to stand out either . I jut wanna be me . I sometimes I feel churched out . I'd rather sleep thru church then go because it just as chaotic as it is outside those 4 walls . I feel like even going to the house of God, Im still being judged just as much as I am on the streets . Its supposed to be a place where we come together a one and cast our fears , cares , what we are going thru , all that aside . but when you get there it completely the opposite . Everyone talking about what you did wrong and forgetting about what you did right , or how someone made it over or how you see a change in someone . Just because people get some type of authority they feel like they are the expert and nobody else knows . Cant tell them nothing because they hit you with . . . I KNOW -_- . " a picture is a thousand words " a facial expression can say what words can not . I love the Lord , but I honestly don't know where my faith lies . I cant  lie and say that if I were to go to church my mind wouldnt be wondering . I know it shouldnt but , what do you do when you feel like youre happier outside the church than inside ?  I wont say I have it together and I wouldnt say I dont have parts of it together ; all I know is Im trying . But I can admit the I am in a Spiritual Ware fare that I cant say Im winning or loosing ; its just going on for the moment . What do you say when someone asks you to pray for them when you dont pray yourself ? Im gonna be quite honest , I havent prayed since I was a kid . Dont know the first thing about prayer . Theres alot I dont know about and the worst excuse I hear " youre young " ? what does age have to do with wisdom ? what does a strong faith have to do with age ? Yeah , I may be " churched out " its nothing against God . . . Church isnt church anymore . #RantOver