The Fox feels him lying there next to her, falling asleep… and her pulse quickens until her entire body is trembling—she wonders whether her occluded passion could be felt through the mattress. Last night was the first night she became aware of the phenomenon she’d been observing for a long time now: it was her. Her arousal, specifically.

What happens is that Fox’s imagination immediately leaps on an erotic fantasy of her Captor watching her and becoming aroused by his silent study, letting himself savor the nectar of desiring her and heightening his pleasure until he wanted to devour his pet. She imagined him resisting the urge for a time, listening to her soft breathing as she slipped ever closer to slumber, her Foxform fully relaxing in the warmth. And then…

The Fox realizes that instead of falling asleep, the Fox is fully starved again, the Lion is asleep, and she is still listening to the beat of her own heart rush through her like a pulsar. She rather liked the mental images, and yet, her brain went through a series of short circuits to put herself under—there were the usual swipes from her inner critics, with whom she’d had a chat in her dreams, and then the injured parts of her inserted themselves, trying to take the spotlight and stoke the agony bonfire, and, finally, what she called her self-awareness took a look at all this and decided it’s time to uncross some wires.

First: it was always the time for desire, even if she had to cool off a bit after. That part of her reacted to the Lion’s aura as expected—he had a magnetic presence that Fox found utterly irresistible. It was the only force known to her that affected her like a hot drug, exciting the right senses, soothing the ones shrieking from overstimulation. It was only natural that being next to him, but unable to touch him—for fear of disturbing his precious sleep—all she could do was entertain longing thoughts in his direction, reflect on how incredibly much she adored him, and absorb his closeness, feed her thirst. He would make sure to harvest it all; she loved how he craved and consumed so much of her, there was so much to give.

When the Lion said he wanted all of Fox, she knew those weren’t just words—every day he made good on that statement, and Fox felt herself blossom a little more each day, unlocking long forgotten strengths within her as she showed him around in herself, inviting him into parts of herself she had never been able to show anyone before. It was a remarkable experience—of course Fox melted like a wild animal in heat when he went anywhere near her, let alone relaxed and comfortable… and disrobed. It was so very tempting to bury herself into his chest or shoulders, to nuzzle his neck with Fox kisses and loving nibbles, to let her Foxfingers trail across the entire surface of his evocative figure and tangle into his gorgeous hair and glorious beard—or trace his glorious jaw and perfect chin in beardless seasons—and, intoxicated by her Captor, provoke the Lion’s roaring passion in earnest.

Fox is getting distracted.

Second: …Fox is still distracted. The Lion effortlessly consumed Fox even as he lay asleep! When he was awake, Fox stood no chance of resisting—such was the fate of the Fox. Fox was more than fine with this; she was deeply enamored with her captivity. But, back to the point: Fox was discovering the precise dividing lines between her experiences, her programming, her intentions, and her present.

Learning about the peculiar way she processed information and her unique motivational and communication needs didn’t just reveal to her a pattern of dysfunction in the way she had interacted with others in professional and personal settings, but—more importantly—those dysfunctional voices had been programmed into some of her inner critics. Then, the final most important puzzle piece: the depth of her fear of abandonment stretching back to childhood has been recently revealed to her, and putting all that together, Fox finally understood why parts of her had made her feel bad in some way whenever she was aroused.

Third: awareness was enough. Fox fell asleep, had a dream where she got somewhere with her inner congress—an analogy chosen both for its design for function and demonstrated dysfunction except when under extreme duress faced with overwhelming rationality—and woke up starved for the Lion to overwhelm her with his incredibly arousing arousal. Fox wanted to be completely consumed by him, splayed in her full, vulnerable glory, she wanted to feel the power of his desire saturate her skin and fill her up with his fire burning her from the inside out.

Fourth: Fox’s desire was so potent that even after over 48 hours awake and being highly active, all the Lion had to do was appear, lie down next to her, and exist to stoke her raging passion. The memory of everything he had ever done to her up until now increased that potency every time—Fox couldn’t wait to see what they would discover in her as her captivity and training progressed. Fox was… insatiable. And the Lion both sated her like no other, and he stoked her most potent potential that could raze worlds with its heat. Unleashing all that had been pent up in Fox until now was a firestorm the world was scarcely ready for, but it was happening.

Fox eventually got a full nights sleep… and Fox is famished for Lion.

Why was it so hard for Fox to handle awareness or the revelation of attraction that represented no threat to her relationship?

Perhaps because it had destroyed her previous one. It was so easy to feel eclipsed by the presence, or even the sight, of another woman who was fully and tastefully clothed, let alone one in a sexually explicit context. Let alone one who was vibrant, intelligent, and full of humor and wit. Sometimes Fox was that woman, and sometimes other women put her in that exact position of feeling a relative lack and an envy of the attention she commands—whoever “she” is. Fox felt it, the other women felt it, and all of us collectively resent the woman who is the most comfortable with being Seen and Desired because it’s what we can’t have. It’s what we can’t take without being the next in line for ritual humiliation. So why do we even crave it? Perhaps because many of us realized this was our only hold on our partners.

It’s an artificially created space. We are not really comparable to one another, and Fox resented the implication that attractive young women deserved some special treatment when they were in a crowd, as opposed to all the beautiful and unique people who felt ugly, old, or any other sense of self that made them resentful of people like Fox, oft put in one position and feeling on the other side. It waned with familiarity, and all that was left after that was obscurity. She had felt more punishment than reward from this position, and indeed, she did not have friendly feelings towards the women she placed there in her mind. Which was why she understood that being envied and being attractive was a dangerous and an ugly place vis-à-vis another woman.

In Fox’s previous long term relationship, she had gotten used to being forgotten in the presence of other women he found attractive, and they never seemed to run out. They were everywhere, and Fox had learned to identify them purely by how much his attention lingered and how. It made attention given to other women feel intolerable to her where before that relationship she remembered having no such feelings. She had only ever felt jealous when she had been given reason, and unfortunately, eventually she had been given reasons in each relationship—but in this one, it became a perpetual function that she no longer remembered how to switch off.

Fox loved women. But she feared them, too. It wasn’t their fault. She also knew to her core that she could trust the Lion, and that should have made this so much easier. But something inside her was still broken in this regard, and she had no idea how to heal it. She didn’t want to be apprehensive, suspicious (especially justifiably), and exhausted around women. She felt constant pressure to keep up appearances before them in ways she didn’t feel with men, but she also refused to respond to it, making her a dangerous element to a lot of them. But she couldn’t force herself to be anything she was not, even if it earned their scorn and derision.

Even after hypothetically getting comfortable with women, Fox wasn’t sure where to go from there. She didn’t know how to feel just yet about the possibility of sexually involving another woman even when Fox had a chance to experience it without repercussions. Part of her wanted the experience, another part remembered how wounding this question had been in the past. It was a different time with a person who had had selfish interests, and that was revealed by the fact that he had only been interested in sharing Fox with another woman, never another man; in other words, he wanted permission to involve other women for himself. He had also immediately felt jealous when Fox had suggested she would take him up on his offer but without his involvement, all by herself—and she still viscerally remembered that painful split in her heart when she realized she would never be enough for him. In fact, he acted all the time as though he resented her—but at the same time, he wouldn’t let her go. She had to be the bad guy and end things before he felt like he had permission, in fact, he was entitled, to betray her.

Her dream had been about that. He had shown up and told her he got bored with his present situation and she was really still his; the mere suggestion filled her with such awful feelings of despair and other ugly feelings that she still shrank away from the memory. Only with distance had she seen her situation for what it had been—and she was terrified of that place, of that person he had become, and of those feelings and notions manifesting to haunt and torment her. The dream then switched to the Lion, which was an incredible comfort, and she somehow defiantly communicated without words to her ex that he could go fuck himself and eat his claims. She belonged to the Lion. All was well. Then, the Lion was leading her past an establishment that offered sexual encounters with women, and he suggested to Fox that they could go in if she wanted to. She didn’t feel resentful, afraid, or any other negative way, which was a relief, although not a surprise—she instinctively felt the vast difference in quality and motivation behind his words. But she also felt she wasn’t ready, and she steered him away. And he was fine with it.

Fox felt like they would revisit this subject again. But for the moment, she needed more time and space to heal her relationship with other women, to rebuild her sense of self where others were concerned in a way that she didn’t feel so defenseless and raw around them. She felt similarly apprehensive of other men, she still found it difficult to appreciate them in the way the Lion could appreciate attractive women he encountered. She didn’t think he spent his time hunting for girls to ogle, at the same time, she knew he had a healthier attitude towards allowing himself to look—she didn’t feel at home in this at all, although she wanted to be able to recognize the beauty of others again, and she wanted them to be on equal footing. She wasn’t sure why everything that had happened to her made her stop appreciating people, although she suspected it had something to do with the unequal treatment all her previous partners had demonstrated in this regard: they were free to hang posters of naked women on their walls and would argue with her if she dared bring it up, but if she even spoke to another man, they had felt threatened—she always had to hide even feelings of friendship from men. But she was perversely encouraged to get much friendlier with her girlfriends than she was comfortable with. The double standard burned her insides. And they punished her for their insecurity in so many ways, and so many times over.

Attraction was exhausting—being attractive, being attracted, all of it had a tainted quality in her mind. How could she cleanse herself of these feelings?

These were the things Fox speculated about. She didn’t have answers, but she kept asking and probing, turning it around inside her, experimenting with thoughts and content to spark an inner renaissance.

Things you don’t see in porn (which offends Fox’s sense of equality and her passion):

The man’s face/expression. We like to zoom in on the woman, especially if she’s being violated, and the man’s face is either blurred out (as if he had more right to privacy than the woman does—typical) or is cut out of the frame. He’s just an anonymous dick around a very clearly identifiable and memorable woman we study from head to toe at extreme closeup. Gross.

The woman’s fantasies. It’s almost impossible to find a video relating to a woman indulging herself by violating a man in any way you’d typically see in the reverse; that’s reserved for lesbian relationships or BDSM for sub men—not even female domination is about the women. There’s a palpable difference between the genders, the tone of vanilla CNC is always that the man’s insatiable and perverse desires are the paramount. If Fox is the sub in the equation, even just as a passive viewer, it stands to reason she’s totally uninterested in other petite sub women. That’s not what attracts her. But that’s where the focus tends to be.

The man’s arousal. We see what he’s aroused by a great deal, to disgusting detail. But we rarely, if ever, get to see the result, the effects on him for the duration. That image is “private”, reserved for the unfortunate women targeted by dick pics, or for solo shows. Everyone gets their fill of her, whoever she is, until the typical female form became commonplace and uninteresting to Fox. The only way you see a guy working on himself is when he’s flashing strangers or completely alone, neither of which is particularly interesting. We rarely, if ever, see a man being observed for the pleasure of the female viewer—even when a man is caught pleasuring himself, there’s almost no indication of what he’s actually doing. Ironically. You’re only meant to see what he sees and what he finds interesting.

Any posturing or sexiness from the guy in straight porn. It’s always up to the woman to seduce the man, as if men can’t be sexy, only sexual. It’s a fucking shame because their actions speak of wanting attention… they just don’t do jack shit about it except to force themselves on the women. Here, here for celebrating male-on-female abuse as healthy sexual fantasies while women only get to ogle straight-acceptable women and dicks, I guess? Women owning their sexuality just somehow never factors into it, even if she’s the instigator, it’s somehow going to collapse into the man’s satisfaction, of her only desiring sex for his satisfaction. Do we ever get to see a satisfied grin on a woman after something that would actually seem stimulating to a woman? Fox can count on one hand the number she found amidst millions of depictions of shades of faux suffering.

It’s all so male fantasy-oriented. We just don’t want to see the same things. We want more or less detail in different places. A lot of it is indescribably boring or gross closeups. And women’s porn sites are just link sites that take you to the guy sites—it’s all a sham.

But it seems so easy to cater to a man in here. It’s a small wonder men feel entitled to women’s bodies when their eyes are trained to only appreciate the vulnerability of women, depriving their partners and themselves the true sexual beauty of masculinity in its most open and vulnerable form—unless a man is incredibly submissive. It’s only aimed to stimulate the memories of a man already successful in bedding someone, regardless of their partner’s pleasure in so many positions where Fox knows just how uncomfortable that same thing is from the woman’s perspective. There’s the awkward positioning of the bladder, for instance, not at all pleasurable to stimulate, and so much of the touching is so rough and quick, there’s just no reasonable time for that woman to become aroused. Fox doesn’t see herself in these women at all.

It’s sometimes hard to think about how invisible Fox feels in this world, and the fear of how she might become invisible in her life if reality doesn’t live up to some fantasy. She was capable of so much in this department, and her ease and practice with some things were increasing, there was no denying she could command a great sexual force in her own right. She didn’t like to take cues from porno women about how she’s supposed to behave or sound or feel, but at the same time, seeing enough content couldn’t help but highlight what a chasm there was between what men apparently fantasized about and how women actually worked, let alone what they desired. How could she formulate what she desired, then, when almost none of the content she found catered to her demographic? She was back where she started: it was left up to her imagination.

Not that porn couldn’t affect Fox; she had experimented in the hopes of both reuniting her body, mind, and emotions, kindling her deep desires, and of settling her heart whenever it twisted over a thought or memory related to adult content experienced in the wild.

Her unconscious had always had a visceral reaction to porn, and for the most part, she wasn’t happy with how it had shaped her thoughts over her life. Part of it was doubtless due to her numerous experiences of men helping themselves to her body or perversely contemplating her regardless of either her lack of attraction to them or her lack of desire for sex in that moment.

Another part was how her exploration of her sexuality was shamed and ridiculed, or just outright forbidden. When she explored anyway, she came to understand that sex was meant to be uncomfortable and violent for a woman. There was no other avenue to pleasure, unless she gave it to herself. Fox was gentle and sensual with herself, until the point where she could tap into a deep passion that desired a much rougher touch, that wanted to be pinned to a wall and devoured, and it still wouldn’t be enough. Both desires existed within her, and their combined effort was the most potent pleasure. But they also often disagreed with each other, and they demanded equal attention.

Fox gave a lot of thought to what bothered her precisely about porn, and how it could be such a good thing for most men she’d ever known, yet provoke such hostile feelings from her. She didn’t always feel tainted by it when she alone was in control of the experience—it was when it was out of her control that she felt despair. She couldn’t understand why for the longest time, and she still didn’t quite feel like she had full clarity on her mixed feelings about the subject, but she was beginning to suspect that she might not have a problem at all with the concept—it was the specific content that she found, that others consumed. Perhaps because it felt too alienating from the other intimate partner, a private fantasy factory that was fueled by the fantasies of a handful of male executives in the porno industry. There was a lot of potential in it for women’s empowerment, and yet, that is precisely what is consistently elusive for women. It’s not even empowering for men, as it so often portrays them as predators helpless to their basest shadow impulses. It’s empowering for the man behind the camera—forcing puppets to bring his fantasies to life, carefully tailoring the experience for his viewing pleasure.

Find me male strippers not aimed at gay men who pop up on ad screens, or hot single guys waiting for you to connect to their webcam—it’s not there.

Fox also realized the male gaze was what was ruining women for her. All she could see in women is what attracted men—not what attracted her. And a lot of it repulsed her, making her feel alienated from what a man’s desire is. This was an abstract problem that was healing under the Lion’s touch, his voracious appetite for Foxflesh and Foxperformances evident in the ways he approached consuming his pet. He was inspired by her, moved to do things with her, and that was a feeling Fox deeply needed. At the same time, there was a lot of damage to undo in the way of her internalized misogyny—she wanted to have a positive experience with women in general, not feel miserable by their presence or existence. She was one of them. She wanted to feel closer to them, without the contribution of the patriarchy. If only most women she met didn’t have such a viscerally negative reaction to her…

There was still a lot to unpack on the subject. But for now, Fox ponders how she could improve upon this experiment and find her point of comfort. Sexuality was a good thing—she just wished there was even a sliver of guidance about how to make it good for her specifically, beyond accidentally stumbling upon her well-hidden kinks.

Fox was a kinky Fox. She happily belongs to the Lion. The Lion was finding her, even those parts long forgotten or thought forever severed. He encouraged her to find herself. He went out of his way to make this a comfortable process for Fox. It was still painful and difficult to navigate, but she was making progress. She hopes one day soon she can say with confidence that nothing can bother her because she knows what she stands for and can make it happen around her.

There was a way to go yet; Fox wanted to be able to hear a sex joke or memory without teetering on the edge of being plunged into inner darkness. She wanted to be able to enjoy people instead of constantly assessing them for threats, feeling overwhelmed by their presence, fearing being steamrolled and crushed as the least interesting part of an evening. She also wanted to attract the kind of people to her she could actually enjoy—and those who might, perhaps, also enjoy her company without judgement or the desire to violate her boundaries. She was tired of fending off unwanted advances; wouldn’t it be nice if people respected personal space?

Fox had met a lot of great people recently, but also a handful that made her deeply uncomfortable. A lot of the time it had to do with them being totally onboard with the Lion and clearly wanting her out of the picture, sometimes not even because they desired to take her place but just because they didn’t like her. They sometimes tried to monopolize his attention. She wished those people made as little impression on her as she made on them, or better yet, they admired her as the Lion’s other half. Again, here lies the fear of invisibility, of being eclipsed—paired with the fear of being seen, let alone being liked and desired. People confounded and overwhelmed her so easily sometimes, whether they were total strangers or friends.

Fox’s healing is not complete, but it is plodding along. Plod. Plod. It’s safe to be liked. Plod. Strangers can’t invade you. Plod. You can find your passion’s most powerful currents even at this later stage than what was imagined in Fox’s naive and horny youth, forever deprived of satisfaction. Plod. Most people aren’t gripped by the impulse to hurt you emotionally or physically. Plod. It’s okay to find interesting people interesting. Plod. Not every spark of intimacy is a prelude to betrayal. Plod. There are many forms of intimacy, not all of them have to only involve one other person to confide in. Plod. Being betrayed, even if it happened over and over, doesn’t mean there’s something about you that deserves to be betrayed. Plod. Having your feelings disrespected doesn’t invalidate them. Plod. You are not your trauma.

Plod.

That’s a complex one. This was never an easy subject—but it’s been many times harder to navigate after certain kinds of abuse happen. Fox’s body didn’t always respond when she craved passionate intimacy with the Lion, and sometimes her body craved it but her mind was a supernova of mixed feelings and intrusive thoughts that put her off. And yet, it had also never been easier to experience deep pleasure, and Fox had never come so hard, long, or so many times in her life before her captivity. Nothing could stop the Lion from achieving Fox’s deepest and most slippery desires, and she adored it. She was just impatient to be fully in sync with her pleasure again in a way that the world could only enhance her experiences, not detract from them.

Fox learns as she goes, and pushes the boundaries of what pleasure means to her until she finds all of it.

4 August 2022

Fox stretches with yoga and is well used

Fox is deliciously and viciously sampled in all sorts of ways, the Lion raked her and sank his claws into her ecstasy, he left his smarting marks on her, his fangs tasted succulent Fox flesh, and then Fox was transported beyond the limits of her ecstasy.

3 August 2022

Party with friends, helping said friends

The Lion was so touching and emotional, he professed his love for Fox, and Fox is utterly blissful

Fox cleaned the whole house and made order

Everything is beatiful

Fox has a ton of ideas for their campaign, including secret maps

1 August 2022

Pleasures denied…

Fox cries in her Captor’s arms, chooses her Captor’s pleasure over her own, is promised a squeezing before night and then sadly doesn’t get it, and she is quite weepy as a result.

30 July 2022

Distressed musings…

Fox finishes the hat, plans out an extensive story for the campaign she’s telling the Lion, and his friend sits in to listen.

The pack watches The Good Place.

Fox had one uncomfortable low point in her otherwise perfect day with the Lion—as she was spacing out eating her Fox snack, already somewhat bummed out by not being able to participate in the fudge delights, she happened to have a glance of the Lion’s phone, and as he scrolled on social media, she thought she saw a bondage picture. Generally speaking, due to her unpleasant past with her partners interacting with the internet, Fox tried her very best not to see anything on anyone’s phone if she could help it, averting her eyes or walking away. This time she hadn’t been paying attention, and indeed, regretted it, because this wasn’t something she liked seeing—not yet, anyway.

The picture, from the little she had processed in a glimpse, had been tasteful, Fox even fancied what she might look like posed thus in her bonds. She did not feel it stepped over any lines, and Fox knew of the Lion’s interests—not to mention extensive knowledge and imagination—had to come from somewhere, and beyond his personal experience, Fox had gathered from his comments that he enjoyed looking at inspiring pictures. It was something she benefited from in many ways, and she knew she held the Lion’s attention as only Fox could, that did not worry her. In fact, the abstract admiration of physical beauty was not offensive to her, she came from a family of artists, and nudity itself had always felt like an expression of beauty in her mind if it was disassociated from sexuality. She had appreciated beauty in such a manner before without feeling it threatening.

Yet, this encounter still triggered painful memories in Fox where she had been criticized for her body by the same artist family, and otherwise left out of what Fox considered to be ‘the family’s secret beauty contest’. Did she want or need their validation? No, she absolutely didn’t. Would she like to be like the woman on the photo? Again, no—Fox derived no pleasure from the thought, not for this reason, not for all eyes. That fixed nothing. Was it perhaps that she perceived an impersonal sexualization of a nameless, faceless beauty and found that threatening? Perhaps that was closer to the mark—she loathed being competitive, it ate her up inside whenever she had been forced to do it for any reason all her life, and seeing beauty in others made her feel like she was being measured and compared, whether it was intentional or not. Somehow, she always felt like her personality didn’t fit into her body, and she could therefore never be that which she saw in others.

Why did it hurt to acknowledge the beauty of others? Perhaps because if she knew her partner continued to look for it in the world, he might one day draw an instinctive comparison and she would be the one coming up as inadequate. Certainly, having inadequacies in and of themselves were not enough to be dooming, Fox knew that. But they would be tiny cracks, which seemed light at first glance, but which, with the pressure of time, could grow into monstrous things. Sure, there was always the option to talk things out, to change and grow—and Fox heartily favored this option. However, in the past it had happened that she had somehow been landed with expectations to change in ways that changed who she was, and that had caused cracks in her, to a degree where at some point no amount of taking fixed things.

Fox recognized a specter of fear when she saw one. She had been there for every step of her previous relationships deteriorating under the grind of life with her, and it had been agonizing—and she felt, above all else, utterly helpless to stop it each time. Each time her partners had simply shut her out at one point or another, never revealing how they truly felt, or worse, protecting her feelings. They didn’t seem to understand that if they felt the impulse to shield her from something they were doing, saying or thinking, then she not only wanted to know, she needed to know. Fox had to acknowledge at this point that one of the first casualties of her sensibilities was her sense of beauty and how it factored into her life, because it had turned from phenomenon to a sign—and not a particularly good one, and it affected how she perceived beauty as well. She couldn’t stop others from filling themselves with it, so she instead punished herself for enjoying beauty.

As to what made her paranoid about beauty specifically, despite being utterly innocuous to the part of her which grew up appreciating aesthetics at the highest level, Fox suspected she might know the reason: her devastating logic. It had two parts. First, at a certain comfort level of her past relations, she would be encouraged to share her tastes, and she grudgingly obliged each time, to a degree. At the same time, she would be initiated into their world of taste—but they only shared the things they thought Fox could either be for them, or what they approximated to be acceptable for her morality. The rest, they kept to themselves and continued to engage with in secret. This drove Fox insane for many reasons, not the least of which was that she would have vastly preferred the heartache of knowing and being allowed to deal with it over being kept in the dark and having to deal with the fallout of them having festering secrets instead.

True, it also hurt her sensibilities that they voiced their displeasures about her and their disappointment in how she had failed to be what they wanted, but when she felt disappointed about something like this, it was generally ignored or even downplayed. The solution was never to try and understand why she felt the way she felt, or to at least try her approach, the way she always gave things chances even if it frustrated her to no end; rather, they acted to ‘protect’ her by not telling her they still entertained thoughts, or entertained other women, because they disagreed with Fox’s dislike. In short, her dislikes felt invalid, she felt gaslighted, while the weight of the world seemed to rest on her ability to do things unnatural to her in comparison. Of course, the Lion had already proven to Fox she was important enough to him that he would respect her feelings without hesitation—but Fox was afraid that in this case, this might not be something her Captor could fix by changing a setting or reveling in her beauty to the exclusion of all else. Although, Fox admittedly did enjoy the latter. This, however, was something she had to face.

Fox had no control over the internet, and she was safe. Truths. Beauty was out there—to not acknowledge it would be hypocritical. To fear not measuring up would never prevent things from truly working out or not working out, nor would it ever be based on something as trivial as appearance. Yes, it was important to her that her beauty was not allowed to be forgotten or trampled down when other beauty was present—she did need reinforcement, she admitted that. She was sensitive to not getting her slice, as it were; if someone was going to be complimented, admired or loved, she wanted to be included, and similarly complimented, admired and loved—or more. If she was told about someone’s beauty, she sincerely hoped someone had whispered in that person’s ear how beautiful Fox was—and that led to the second half of problem: herself.

Fox had literally been forgotten and omitted before, sometimes while awkwardly standing right there. She did not appreciate having the spotlight forced on her, but she did like to feel as though she existed, and was at least somewhat important to the people around her—enough to be introduced, perhaps even to be talked about in a positive light. Why? Because she had been made to feel so unremarkable in so many ways, so invisible, to the point where Fox knew for a fact that certain people in her partners’ lives had either felt free to totally ignore her existence, or they didn’t even realize she existed—and that was a red flag to her. She would have felt much better knowing her partners had gushed about her to the extent that she was a real, significant person in the mind of those people invited into the corners of her partner’s mind to which she was not privy.

Fox realized that, over time, she had come to believe there was some kind of ugliness in her which other people couldn’t help but find out about, as though she were a charlatan pretending to be the perfect girlfriend or wife. As though she had truly cheated those partners of happiness, because she couldn’t be like the women they truly wanted, the ones who embodied things Fox was not and could never hope to be. Of course, she knew it was different now—and it wasn’t as though positive comparisons couldn’t be made in Fox’s favor, maybe even consistently. Fox perhaps had felt ugly and invisible, unwillingly locked in a hopeless competition with every woman braver than her and with fewer cares and inhibitions, because those former partners of hers had simply not been right for her. But while she felt sure in her Captor, she was no longer entirely sure how confident she really was about herself after all this.

Fox had another thought: perhaps what twisted her heart about beauty, even in the framework of sensual art, was that she wished to be the one to whom her partner turned to seek out such beauty, once she had entered the picture. She had a need to be the source—but whether she could be convinced she was the source was a different matter. It wasn’t that she didn’t believe she could be the embodiment of beauty for her Captor, but rather that she had trouble believing she could truly embody it alone. She had much to offer, but she was under no illusions as to her true uniqueness—she had far too many friends eerily similar to herself to believe it, either in personality or appearance. Her story and the precise combination of elements were, of course, unique from a certain perspective, but she didn’t ever feel as though this set her apart in any way—she wanted to be set apart by the one person who mattered to her most, but if she was honest with herself, she seemed to value what others like her offered as superior, because though she was liberated enough to try many things and loved herself enough to feel beautiful doing it, that didn’t mean it gave her great pleasure, nor the belief that she couldn’t be outshone. Everyone had something new to offer.

Discovering she had such issues with herself was a turbulent realization for Fox—but not entirely unexpected. She knew there were still filaments of her confidence which threatened the overall equilibrium instead of reinforcing it, despite her early successes in coming out of her darkest depression. True, she was thankfully beyond self-loathing; yet, she still seemed a far cry from truly loving herself again. It would take time to rebuild the self-image that had been so damaged by her previous partners’ indiscretions and outright lies. There were only so many times she had been able look past her previous partner’s social media feeds being filed with suggestive women and still believe he wasn’t looking for eros in someone else; that bucket was full and overflowing. There were only so many times she could accept the explanation of random chance when every time she was invited to look there was something there—and the behavior after was what made it really sting: acting like it was a mistake. She didn’t want to return to a time of life where everything was so stressed, she wasn’t even approached with the chance for intimacy, and instead, she’s left with the aftersmells of semen washed down the tub or the toilet—her nose knew what she didn’t want to know.

These rambling thoughts were, for the moment, broken records that were artificially constructed based on her negative experiences. Defense mechanisms. She had experienced her past partners to be hypocritical and duplicitous, jealous of her attention and affection, let alone her list, while craving it from others and craving others as if she wasn’t enough to satisfy them, in fact, to show them just how disappointing she was to them—and she knew the Lion was different. But it would take time for her to adjust, to unlock herself again, to embrace beauty as a part of her experience. So much had happened. She had been hurt in so many ways, until she craved isolation and deep-seated possessiveness; and that had been her undoing in the end. If the beauty of others was to be a factor in her relationship, it should be genuinely for her as well—and not with the same ulterior motives her previous romances had shown. She didn’t want to be gaslit, lied to, kept away—she wanted to break through, and not because her involvement was the only way to make it happen when it would happen whether she wanted it to or not—that wasn’t a real choice. She was open to sexual experimentation, but first, she had to heal, to be shown how exciting she was on her own, and not just because of her willingness to expand her definitions of privacy and intimacy. She didn’t want to be a means to an end; she wanted the part of it involving helping her grow and explore parts of herself that she had been denied, not the part that got her out of the way by being thrown a bone… and it couldn’t be the most important thing, or a solution to a deeper problem of too little connection. She needed time to adjust, to feel in control again—but most importantly, she needed this wonderful new connection to remain purely private a little longer, just between the two of them.

Fox was enough. Fox was enough.

29 July 2022

Foxgifts and foxplay…

Fox is used at dawn and is edged with this a total of three times—Fox’s starvation is terrible

The Fox tells her first DM story in a while!

Fox had to sneak upstairs to finish the hat, and she wove her gift into her story.

Fox had a meltdown during Fox Time, which she regrets—she needs clocks. Timers. Alarms.

Fox must modify the hat…

28 July 2022

The day cometh…

It’s cleaning day, i.e. Fox plays Shadowrun…

Fox is edged a few times today, but each one is terrible in intensity, and Fox sheds a few Fox tears here and there, until finally the Fox is used, and after she begs to be used more, and then again, the Lion allows her to come while stealing her breath away—had Fox any breath left to steal. Fox was reduced to a gasping puddle of pleasures.

Past midnight it’s finally the Lion’s birthday—and Fox has plans…

Fox and Lion will begin to plan a Faerûn campaign set in Thay!

27 July 2022

Fox went up to 8 edgings today, and one of them was in an extremely public place by the river. Fox was making great progress—but she had yet to beat her record of Foxtorture.

Fox was allowed to sleep next to the Lion but then ends up sleeping alone anyway… until she wakes in the night only to realize she is being excited and used, and this is very exciting to Fox.

Fox got a little anxious about food, they got free desserts which were not really Fox friendly. Fox anxieties surrounding food were numerous and pervasive… if only she could eat what she liked when she liked, she could accept such kindness as intended, rather than a reminder of her limitations.

The pack picks up meds. Always the meds…

26 July 2022

An active fox is a good fox…

The Fox’s week of numerous edgings per day continues…

Fox and Lion hang out with a friend.

The Lion procures all kinds of delicious Fox food materials when they discover Fox could make her own kind.

The Fox journals all day to time how much she can write in an hour and submits her info to her new company. It turns out she can write a lot—but would her inspiration carry her far enough?

25 July 2022

Foxplosions…

Fox performs multiple Fox Times, and is seriously edged seven times and then she is allowed release, to great effect—she came quite forcefully.

Fox sheds Fox tears from some mild spanking, which leads the Lion to conclude that the Fox must be maintenance spanked to release pent up emotions, and Fox agrees. A lot of pain was stored in her body and required active release…

24 July 2022

Turbulence is translated to lust…

The Fox snaps, she had no food and woke up too early with no coffee.

Fox performed several Fox Times, and one of them was a literal dream come true—the Lion pinned her down during her last Fox Time of the day and used her.

Fox also practiced focusing while being choked, and this time achieved greater success—she rather liked these exercises, they transported her to different sensations, and sometimes different dimensions; would she briefly slip under again to rouse to her Captor’s delicious excitement to take her? Fox wanted to see that passionate urgency in him again.

Fox and the Lion played Shadowrun, and they find a better position to lie in…

Fox is used while she performs Fox Time and while gaming, to the envy of all gamer girls everywhere! Her snappish morning is long forgotten by the time the Lion finishes with her.

23 July 2022

Fox and Lion have a perfect morning

Fox and the Lion play Shadowrun outside, and it’s great fun, but they didn’t end up shopping

22 July 2022

Good things abound…

Fox nails her interview

Fox plays Shadowrun

Fox cheers up the Lion, who was having a bad day, and Fox is delighted that her Captor sought succor in her presence and her words

Fox decides this weekend is for celebrating

21 July 2022

The fox is busy and conflicted…

Fox makes an appointment for an interview for the next day

Fox has a chill day at home

Fox has been having interesting dreams—are they messages about judgmentalness?

Fox talked with family and there are tensions in the household there and here, the difficulties surrounding housework and unreliable people

20 July 2022

The conundrum of nectars…

Fox needs to learn how to readjust her speech centers so she can get her thoughts out without feeling rushed or cut short. She still didn’t have the right mix, and it frustrated her—especially because feeling as though she had to compress her thoughts made her drag her feet in exactly the rambling way she was trying to avoid in the first place. She found herself squeezing many words into short breaks, and Fox reflected that perhaps that was the essence of her overtalking: she sometimes needed to actually talk herself out before she became coherent.

In general, Fox was hard pressed not to get way too excited by how much she had in common with the Lion, and though she did love absorbing new knowledge and the thoughts of people on all their favorite subjects and what was going on in the world, Fox realized she craved taking a break between such nuggets to discuss what was learned—otherwise the thoughts piled up and put pressure on her social grace dams, and the first support strut to go was “how to dialogue with 99.9% of everyone who is not your father”, i.e. monologues. She had been raised to treat back and forth monologues as dialogues, which was sometimes taken by others to mean that she didn’t assign importance to the thoughts of others when Fox is just trying to relate.

Fox is used, Fox enjoys it and is marked, and now her tongue, face and throat burn… a lot

Will she get used to the stuff though? Of course, she knew she wanted to please the Lion, she wanted to learn all the things he wanted to teach her—and she greatly craved his pleasure, which was quite erotic to her. At the same time, she was wary of simply accepting such acts without pausing to actually give it some thought because they triggered unfortunate responses in her.

Fox had said it would take getting used to giving pleasure without reciprocation and being marked on the face. There was a component of physically overcoming her reflex to avoid such lustful nectars, and what she meant by “getting used to it” was that it was not something she had ever liked before for good reasons, and that it would take some inner exploration to find out if it was something she could overcome. Pun intended. Her conclusion is that she not only could but also wants to—the Lion was the first partner in her life she actually wanted to do that with. So why did it distress her so?

It occurred to Fox that there were some things she did not like because she had been introduced to it by inexpert hands, people who neither had the consideration to build Fox up to the experience, nor to what she went through with these acts. A lot of things, including the most basic form of sex itself, were not exactly pleasurable for her, a lot of the time it was instead uncomfortable, embarrassing or even painful. Some had at least done her the courtesy of attempting to arouse her before trying something, but it happened more than once that it turned out to be a bad experience for Fox anyway. Yet, each time she had performed her part well enough that the partner in question would continually ask for it, to the point where Fox felt pressured and unhappy.

Fox had assumed in her naive cub years that her happiness in such situations would be important enough to her future partners that if something turned out to be something she really didn’t like and didn’t want to get used to, they would take “no” for an answer. It turned out they did and didn’t—she rarely felt forced, but from that point on she was sometimes harassed into it, she did feel coerced. None of her partners had intended to force Fox, but they failed to note how uncomfortable she was saying no to something over and over again. She had tried allowing entrance to the Foxnethers, she had learned to give certain kinds of pleasure, she had tried drenching in nectars and she had groomed her Foxparts bare under such pressure—some things she adapted to, found her own reasons for enjoying or desiring them. Other things she found more difficult, or almost impossible to adjust to, partly due to her condition.

In hindsight, Fox should have actually said no in those situations where it felt wrong, but she did it anyway; only much later did Fox understand how these events had been varying degrees of assault. She didn’t understand that there was an actual problem, an imbalance of pleasure, that resulted in her crossing her own boundaries far sooner than she felt ready for—partly because none of it was designed to give her any sort of pleasure, partly because the partners in question felt entitled to her in a way that meant they felt free to emotionally blackmail her into giving more than she wanted to give them.

It didn’t always have a troubled ending, Fox did want to be more flexible, and in the present, Fox definitely wanted to be a source of great pleasures in all varieties. But what she failed to recognize was that her desire to learn should not come at the price of her consent—as a result of her attitudes, this part of her ended up feeling quite damaged and without a compass. Had she demanded the patience she had actually needed all those times, regardless of how disappointed her partners would have been—as they had been the times she had tried to ask for space—and had she been allowed to find her own way to desiring those things, she might have enjoyed herself a lot more, as would have those partners. They did not have the finesse of the Lion.

Fox undoubtedly wanted to be an excellent pet, and she was quite joyful to hear her Captor praise her in all manner of ways. Fox felt beautiful and wanted, desired for her uniqueness, and she very much craved to be taken and marked inside and out with the Lion’s nectar just as he told Fox he wanted to do while she was being used, but today her Foxparts were again under the weather. It was rough to have an actual allergy to contend with.

Fox was sure time would fix these turbulent emotions. She knew in her thoughts and felt in her gut that the Lion was very different than anyone she had been with before—he not only respected her boundaries, but he actually desires her enthusiastic consent. He also desires her pleasure and enjoyment of her performances. These facts made a world of difference. Once her body was rid of the trauma of past events, she was sure she would desire to pleasure the Lion in many ways she couldn’t imagine herself wanting before—she felt safe to experiment with him, and trusted that he was patient and understanding when there were hiccups and when she reacted in unexpected ways.

Fox may sometimes turn into a ball of tears, aching from the mistakes and hurts of her past, but every time it happens, Fox feels a little lighter, and closer to embracing the joy of such intimate acts. There were many forms of pleasure she was experiencing and learning with her Captor, including feeling pleasure purely due to his pleasure. In the past, when she was coerced she was also promised reciprocation that was almost always forgotten, as if she could only be touched if her partner was in a state of arousal (and as if her not being aroused in the reverse situation was normal) and they were never available when she wanted to be touched—but the Lion craved so much of Fox that she had no fears she would be left hung out to dry by him, unless starvation was the goal to increase her multifold, mind-blowing pleasure he would unleash upon her a little later. It would just take more time for her body to be convinced of the same; it remembered too much.

The future was certain: the Lion’s nectar would be craved in real time the same way she craved it in her fantasies, and her body would follow suit.