I need a win.

Just one single win. Please.

I’m sorry.

Again, no replies.

Hey secret tumblr; long time no talk.

Let’s come clean about a few things before I get to this:

1. I lost 50 pounds. I’m really proud of myself, but I still have a long way to go (about 100 more).

2. I had a crush on a guy. It was the first one since high school and I had it bad. He has absolutely no feelings for me, which is for the best. Throughout the year, he got really angry at me and seemed uncomfortable around me. I know it’s my fault and it got to a point with him yelling at me over getting him chocolate because he was having a bad day. That was so so stupid of me. Never doing that again. I’m over it, but it has forced me to realize “shit, I might be pan,” so there’s that.

3. No one replies to my texts anymore or they take a really long time to reply. Or in a group chat, no one acknowledges what I say. When I feel like I’m hassling or annoying someone, I give that person space. I know back when I was a kid, I’d have moments where I was too much. So, I’ve learned to show people myself and my interest in bite sizes. I’ve been trying to make myself more quiet, including lowering the volume of my laugh (unsuccessfully). And I notice people are getting annoyed with the bite-sizes, I retreat. Call it a defense mechanism.  No one can get annoyed with me if I say nothing and I’m not there. or I can at least pretend that’s true.

4. I’m done dating. Every time I think about dating, I only think about the worst parts of every relationship I’ve ever had, and it makes dating unappealing. I can do things by myself that others can do for me. At this point, I’m pretty sure I’m gonna die alone. Every once in a while, it kind of sucks to think about, but I’ve mostly made my peace with it.  people who, like what’s inside tend to not like with outside, and the people who like what’s outside, usually are repulsed by what’s inside.  I can’t imagine anyone wants to date someone who likes stuffed animals at my age anyway.

5. Everyone forgot my birthday this year. I left work crying. My work friend was a real jerk that day and everyone else really tried to make it up to me once they realized what happened. It was bittersweet, but still sweet none the less. Sometimes I forget my coworkers are just that: coworkers, not friends.

So the story is I have a chat going with three of my coworkers. We all play Wordle every day and post our stats. I wanted to twist things up and tell them about this new place i discovered that I figured at least two of them would like. No one replied, except to post their Wordle stats. God I’m so so stupid. Why do I even bother? No one wants to talk to me. My friends don’t even reply to my text messages anymore, so why would I think my coworkers would? I have to keep things professional with them from now on.

God, I’m so stupid and wish I wasn’t so annoying.

Today, I threw a party

Today I wanted to throw a party to celebrate an accomplishment in my career I was really really proud of. I scheduled it way in advanced, invited 16 people, and got catering. My dad and I set up a large screen and projector to watch a movie at night and prepped a fire pit for s’mores. I even got myself the “30” foil balloons because I wanted to celebrate turning 30 (I didn’t celebrate during the school year) and I really wanted a picture with them. I know it’s silly and stupid, but I’ve always wanted a picture with the numbered balloons. I wanted to just feel special.

Well, more than half of the party bailed this morning. My other friend (while tying my balloons on the chairs) lost my 3 and 0. No picture to show for it. I had to beg my neighbors to come over for some free food, and even then, we still had a lot of leftovers. The rest of the party left pretty early. I ended up watching the movie by myself because my dad worked hard putting up the screen, and I didn’t want him to think he wasted his time because his daughter is a fucking loser.

Everyone was disappointed with my party; I heard my friends talk about it while I was inside and it made me feel small. One friend said he bought fireball because he thought it was going to be “that kind of party” and he was upset it wasn’t. Maybe I should call my “parties” by a different name to avoid giving people the wrong idea. Maybe I’ll just say “hang out” instead.

Oh and online dating is going great. Not a single match. I feel hideous both on the inside and outside. Sometimes I just lay in my bed and think “god, I’m not going to get married ever, am I?”

Maybe it’s for the best. No one wants to marry someone who hides their feelings from everyone except their therapist and a throw-away tumblr account. No one wants to be with someone who is fat, ugly, sad, and boring.

Vanilla

In a world of different ice cream flavor combinations, what makes someone choose vanilla? The answer is nothing. In an ice cream pallor full of different flavors, what makes someone consistently stick with vanilla? Once again, nothing. Sometimes In a world of rocky road, caramel brownie, and cookie dough, I feel like plain vanilla. I could dye myself different colors and call myself different names, but the smart will see through and realize I’m just vanilla after all, and who would stay with vanilla?

Today, I wanted to be invisible

Today, I wanted to be invisible. I’m scared that slowly, my friends will hate me and I will have no friends. I’m losing one of my closest friend and I don’t know why. I think that, despite the only places I talk about my paranoia being on this account no one follows and in my therapy sessions, that my friends are just sick of my shit. I think they think I only complain. I’m a negative energy that drags everyone down. Sometimes on especially hard day, I feel like if I was gone, they would be happier and feel relieved they don’t have to deal with me anymore. I’m not a good person. I think they’re starting to see that

The whens are becoming ifs again. Maybe I don’t deserve love.

I don’t think my girlfriend wants to be with me anymore. When we hang out, she always calls her best friend on the phone, especially when she’s bored. She has gone on to sleep at her best friend’s house for entire weekends and even weeks. She hasn’t stayed with me in a very long time, and I feel like she doesn’t want to. I know she’s not cheating on me with her best friend but I feel a gross amount of jealousy about it. Maybe she thinks I’m gross too. She makes me feel boring, and hasn’t called me pretty in a while. I know if I wasn’t around, she wouldn’t care. I’m not special to her.

I wish you would notice me.

Sometimes, I wish you were sure about me

STOP

LEAVE. ME. ALONE.

I MOVED ON. I FINALLY HEALED AFTER THE DAMAGE YOU’VE DONE TO ME AND YOU WON’T LEAVE ME ALONE. YOU KEEP MAKING THESE FAKE ACCOUNTS TO MESSAGE ME AND IT’S FUCKING CREEPY. LEAVE ME ALONE AND MOVE ON WITH YOUR FUCKING LIFE.

We're all drowning

No one asked how I was today. Everyone was busy so it’s okay, it’s stupid to think people want to truly know how I am anyways. I have to stop being so stupid. So I figured I’d share it here: I’m depressed out of my mind. I truly believe my mom hates me. I try so hard so she doesn’t hate me but the longer I think about it, the more I realize she feels nothing but spite towards me. She thinks I’ll have a hissy fit if she is celebrating anyone else now that she’s heard my therapy sessions. But all I was saying from my therapy sessions was that I wanted her to notice me sometimes. My sister and brother have such large personalities that it’s hard to compete. But now she buys me pity things when ever she does something nice for my siblings and mocks me about how I think she hates me. She still makes fun of me for the one time I made her mad. She mocks me for being wrong. I just wish my mistakes weren’t used as weapons against me. My friends don’t even seem to care how I’m doing. We all talked today and I tried to make sure everyone had a chance to speak but no one asked me how I was doing. I put on a really good face so no one knew I was upset but as soon as everyone hung up, I cried. There is truly no one who cares and the people I haven’t reached out to are busy. I don’t want to bother them with Something as stupid as my feelings. I’m not worth it. I’ve never been worth it. I feel like everyone would be better off without me. But enough about me; I feel guilty for even expressing my feelings on a blog no one follows. This is stupid, I’m stupid, sorry.

No one loves me

Made a joke about being the least favorite child

Everyone laughed

I didn’t

And the strange thing is, no one told me I was wrong. I’m fat, I’m gay, I’m the black sheep trying to paint herself white to fit in but no matter what I do, I can’t. It’s funny even when I’m happy, I can’t escape the constant thought of my family not loving me

It takes a pandemic to see everyone’s true colors

I remember having a dream last night where my sister got Corona and my mom started packing a care package and was going to go take care of her. I begged her not to go at first saying that I didn’t want her to get sick. She said it was what a mother had to do. No matter what I said, she kept responding with that. Then, I went the selfish route. I said something that I have only thought about saying to my mom but never had to courage to: “what about me? I have asthma and I’m compromised; I could end up in the hospital if I contract this and they might not have a bed for me there. Please don’t go, just for me, just this once” and she looked at me coldly and said that I was selfish for even saying that and that I would understand when I had kids and left. The world cracked around me in the dreams and I just frantically packed my things knowing that soon my home would no longer be safe for me. And I ran to my car and left. Then I lost control of my car on a very high-up bridge and fell to my death. I woke up with my heart pounding and my chest tight. I know my mom would do the same if this were to happen; she has always made it a priority to stay by my sister’s side when she needed her. There have been so many instances where I needed my mother and she never made an effort to help me. I’m starting to think she loves my sister more. A lot more.

What do you do if being yourself pisses people off?

So as of the past couple of weeks, work has been bad. I haven’t been able to have a night off because I have work to do and I have unloaded some sadness on to my parents. They have no idea about the true extent. They basically told me that I’m over reacting and I have no reason to be sad like this. “Think of other people” they say. “Stop being unhappy” they imply. How do I turn it off? Do I act like I do at work when I’m home and only shut it off in my room? I guess so. I’m not truly sure. My mom just screamed about me to my dad about how I’m being a little shit. I don’t know how to turn it off. I’m sorry I can’t turn it off. I don’t know why I’m like this. Why is no one helping me?