The 'K' Heart

I have this one particular weakness that makes my heart hurt. I don't really treat it 'exactly' like a curse, but as time goes by, it makes me think that maybe it's been - all this time.

I have this heart that shows so much mercy and kindness (do not misunderstand, I don't brag). Perhaps most of us have gotten this uncooperative organ that truly changes our way of thinking. It's good to be good, but for how long? In what instance should we limit ourselves? How do we know if it's too much?

Those are my freaking, unanswered questions that have taken spaces into my mind. It saddens me that no one sees this heart clearly, makes me think that I'm stupid for being me.

(cont...)

One Year Down

Time flies, indeed...and a lot of changes in my life have happened. It's been one crazy year since I officially start working as a school teacher. The experiences that I've had weren't the easy ones. My faith, patience, and perseverance to go on despite of pain were seriously tested. Everything was tested. If without God, I would not be able to live anymore. During those dark moments, I actually had this "kill yourself" thought. It was barely lit, and I couldn't tell where to go next, but God did something. He was the one who drove me out of the darkness. I couldn't thank Him enough. I am alive - still alive, because of Him. His protection was so powerful that it protected me from hurting myself. I have vowed to serve Him since then.

(cont...)

A Sad Thought

I won't say my usual tag line "It's been a long time since I wrote blah blah..." Though it is indeed the best expression to start this inconsistent random post, I would rather not do it today. There's nothing to explain. Perhaps sometimes it's better not to have any. The existence of reasons makes us expect...and as of the moment, I am trying to eliminate that in my system. I've been cursing - not the usual me. I can't help it, though. Guess the residue of the far past has now decided to creep on the present day. It truly overwhelms me, and to be honest, I have been asking myself questions I had never thought before. I have been pitying myself...and I've been wanting to cry, but hell I don't know how to do it. It chickens me somehow. I hate confronting feelings I can't control. I hate being sad for no specific reason. I hate being this kind of person that lets people hurt her.

Probably you're now asking questions like "what is she talking about?" or "what's wrong with her?" If you ask me, I won't really have a reason. It's actually a feeling when you're around people and you keep on trying to make them warm while ignoring your own need for something that you know you deserve. I am so sad...and that's not easy to describe.

From Me to You

So let's talk about love.

Wow.

By just typing that phrase, it has suddenly made me feel a little awkward. It's been a long time since I wrote something about it. Probably the main reason is that I didn't want to admit anything related to it. It's difficult to focus whenever I immerse myself with this utterly confusing journey of longing for someone. I just didn't want to talk about it. Period.

But that's something that is easier said than done. Though I said I couldn't, my mind keeps on playing good memories in the past. It makes me want to travel back to the time when I could see that 'person's' face though we never really had an actual conversation.

I first met 'that man' when I was working at a teaching camp in Tagaytay. When I saw him for the very first time, it felt like the time suddenly stopped. It was a weird feeling. How could the time stop just like that? Until now, I can't make myself believe it happened.

The time that I finally had my eyes on him was during the game program with our foreign students. He volunteered to demonstrate the game assigned to me. The title of the game was "Maria Went to Town." I was surprised, but touched by what he did. Though I wasn't really assuming that he did that for me. I was thinking that maybe he just wanted to do it and no other reasons following it. He wore a woman's dress, bag, hat, and shoes. Then he arranged the colored cups on the table as part of the game. I can still remember that day. It happened during my parents' wedding anniversary. Since then, my heart and mind have not wandered to look for someone else. It has always been him. If only he would know.

I told him my feelings, but I did not say it infront of him. I sent him messages to his social media account without stating my name. That was probably a stupid move for a woman to do, but I couldn't help it. I did not want him to think all this time that nobody appreciates him. I wanted him to know how good his heart is, that he has so much potential, and that God loves him more than me.

I have always thought of him...every single day, but he has never known that it was me.

Goodnight.

Fight the Good Fight

I just came home. Today, the four-day training finally ended. The content was overwhelming, but I thought it was useful, and hopefully, I could make use of the new learning this coming school year. As I journeyed to this undeniably demanding and sacrificial task, I realized that I should exert more and MORE effort in doing the "calling." A co-teacher once told me that 'us' - teachers were chosen. When she said that, I honestly did not fully understand her. 'Why would it be like that if people choose what they want to do in life?' - reasonable enough as I may sound, but not enough reason (for me) to agree with; sooner I realized she was right. I never really chose to become a teacher. Actually when I was in college, I pitied my professors whenever I saw them having a hard time preparing lessons to teach. That alone convinced me not to pursue education. But I guessed, based on the situation right now, the answers are not always final. I reflected that it was God who chose a sinner like me to do the 'work.' 'For me to be chosen was unbelievable,' God knew I had this kind of feeling. I deliberately asked Him 'why?,' because I believed then that I was no good. On the other hand, we cannot really fathom God. The plan He has set is a plan He timely revealed according to His will.

The four-day training made me dream of becoming the best version of myself for God's work. I maybe sounded a little bit weird just now to you, but that's exactly what it was for me. I thought of myself as someone that does her best and does not regret her life. I felt relieved whenever I thought of it. I told myself that I could, and so I decided to accept the challenge of this 'good fight' for Him.

This coming school year, I vowed to do my very best as a teacher. I promised God that I would be His soldier. I have just gotten myself up from the fall. Now, I let God do the leading.

1 Timothy 6:12

God Works Under Your Greatest Sorrow

This must be the longest title I've had so far, but this is what I had in mind 'God Works Under Your Greatest Sorrow'; I knew He worked. I was blessed - truly blessed.

I'd promised to write continuously, but I was not able to do it right away after the very last one. I got lost for a long time. I stepped on a different path, and I did not realize I was heading to the wrong direction. God patiently waited - pulled me back even though I kept on resisting. He showed me mercy. He knew that my heartlessness has its end. He never really stopped loving me. When I was feeling all alone, He was there, guiding my every decision, and leading me back to where I'd gone. To be honest, it felt like God was handling me with so much care: like I was so special to Him, though I do not really feel like that myself, or chosen to do something I do not know yet. God is good; He is so good, that it makes me think I do not deserve Him.

Go to the Mountains and Carry the Timber Down

I told you. I would write again.

This is indeed the busiest week I've had so far. Aside from being busy, I've been experiencing the biggest turn of event in my life. Right now, I have a lot of stuff to finish. I wanted to cry because I know I'm kinda close to my limits. My body is trembling involuntarily because of lack of sleep. I could cry, but I refused to. ' I can't fail my God,' I told myself.

Perhaps it is true that when you choose to follow Him, it won't be an easy road to walk on. I have known that. I'd had a lot of moments running away after promising God that I would serve Him. Every time I looked back, He would be there, waiting. He has faithfully waited for me to come back all this time. He's so patient I could almost feel how much He has loved me. That's why I decided to walk on the road with Him. I have never felt the kind of love God has given me.

It's time to go to the mountains...

(cont..)

The Hard Walk

Hi.

Guess I don't have much creativity to start this blog. The reason why I'm writing is because I just wanted to release some stressed that's inhibiting my system at the moment. I wanted to breathe a little, to stretch my nerve muscles for something like this, and to remind myself again about why I should not let go of this challenge that I'm on now.

It's true then that when God has positioned you, it will be life-changing. Technically, it has started to happen in my life and I'm in the process of fighting with myself for what God has told me to do. Yes, you read it right. My flesh is fighting for its right to live comfortably, but I say no.

I've been running from places to places these days. For the last couple of weeks, I've been dealing with so much work, my brain cells have totally reached their quota. Seriously, I think I have a very busy to do lists this year. When I say 'busy,' that literally means slammed schedule from Mondays to Sundays. I've never thought that things I just saw in some dramas wherein the girl's lead's schedule was tight, truly happens. How I missed my nonchalant life. But NO, scratch that. I have to be strong. I cannot just give up because it's difficult. I was used to running away when I felt it was unbearable. Now, I'm going to unfold my folding chair and sit on it. 'Let's do this, Lord,' I answered to Him.

So there, I'm doing this because I wanted to remind myself how far God has taken me. From the time he's called me, up to this very day. It has been a journey of learning and becoming. Learning because my life has its dealings for most of the time and the recent events were not something childish. Just last year, God taught me to accept myself entirely because I had become a person who just follow the crowd. That was the simplest explanation, though. There's so much more to say about that. The other one is becoming, because God has made me aware of what the world is now. I used to avoid knowing about it, or other times I would blend in and be with those who entertained it. I saw the worst me. It was so bad I even thought of not being friends with myself if I were someone else. I hated myself for being like that and I also hated people who wasted the attention I'd given. During those times, I knew God was at work. They were painful to experience, but I can also say that those were worth the adventures.

Ooops! Time to end this for now. I have to go back to what I was doing a while ago. I'll be writing more and it might be often this time. I think this is a very good release.

God is good.

That will never change.

Caught in the Middle of Grace

I don't know how to start.

I'm actually in the middle of something right now. I'm trying to finish a lesson material that I will be using this coming Sunday. I was able to finish the first half of it a while ago. It took me some time to finally put an end to the discussion part. However, I knew it wasn't enough. I still need to add some supplemental notes and go deeper to the discussion of each sub-type. I'm honestly tired and I can't figured out what tips I should let my attendees to know about. Earlier today I was also out of the house. I was supposed to have my psychometric examination, but then I forgot that today's a holiday. Even so, I was glad that I took off. At least I was able to have some alone time. I think it was necessary this morning. I was stressed and I knew I wasn't in the mood to be with somebody. I'm kind of used to being alone, especially when stressed and pissed. Yep.

As I was saying, I am struggling to finish my material for Sunday's work. Honestly, working on weekends is not my thing. But then I know God wanted me to take the plunge. He wanted me to let go, and so I did.

Whenever I think about God's plan, I suddenly regain my strength. I get more energized especially when I think of doing this work for Him alone. God has never abandoned me. Throughout the days of my life, He has been so faithful. I believe He deserves more than what I could possibly offer. That's why I am doing what I can, and use every bit of what He has given me for His glory. That's my life goal.

Maybe this goal sounds weird to others, but I just don't make myself care about what they think of me. I am for God. I work for God. I am His agent and I have a mission to do for Him and with Him. There's nothing else that can ever win over this principle that God has set for me.

I have a mission...a lifetime mission, and so I am now charging in.

The Principle of Magnification

Let me tell you something.

Whatever you are or whatever you're doing right now, there's a question I'd like you to think about. I want you to answer truthfully. It doesn't matter if you say it out loud or not. Just think of this question and let it help you decide about something complicated concerning your life.

This is something I'd learned or should I say, realized (thanks to Pastor Steven) about how people think most of the time. That doesn't exempt me. As I said, I had encountered the same thing as well.

The question is, 'How do you see yourself now?'

If I instructed you to describe it, how would you do it? What would you tell me?

As you may know, people, if asked to become very truthful about themselves, would commonly say negative things about their lives. You would hear words like, "difficult," "frustrating," "exhausting," and a lot more.

I was like that - before. Well, I'm trying very hard these days not to go back to this kind of lifestyle anymore. Though, of course I can't really blame people or you, if you've ever thought of the same thing, to verbally express whatever you've had for a long time. It's certainly a tough decision to make.

Magnification, does this make sense?

I was listening to this podcast on youtube when I heard of this word. Usually, we encounter this in some Science-related stuff. However this time, it was used in a different context.

People in general commonly see the wrong things in other people's lives. This is what we also do to ourselves. For instance, whenever we are thinking of how difficult our problems are or how complicated our lives are going. We tend to react badly, which is a situation that we don't usually realize until someone else notices it. We lose our focus on things that matter.

In a nutshell, the principle of magnification is about expanding the good stuff even if it's just a small thing for you. Imagine how your life would change if you thought of one wrongful situation positively and then expanded the good thing in it, because for sure there are still some helpful things about it that you can learn.

I still have something to say, but my eyes are already hurting, so maybe I'll continue this some other time.

By the way, I don't owned the wisdom I just shared. It has come from Pastor Steven Furtick.

To God be the glory .

Me, Trying to Refocus Myself

Be a little weird. No. Scratch that. Be very weird.

Yes, be a weirdo. Be yourself, or be whatever you've wished to become ever since. Be someone you were before, especially when everything hasn't gotten seriously out of your grasps. Why? Because somehow, that's how God Himself speaks to you. He will make you dream of things unimaginable. You'll realize then that they have never left your mind because God is telling you to do something about those dreams. You see, you're wasting so much of your time trying to be someone that you aren't. You're missing out things in life because you keep on putting back things which God has already taken out from your existence. You're shifting yourself away from God. How do you think God will make His next move if you do that?

Don't block your miracles with unwise decisions. Be focus on what you have to do. Don't waste your chance to lift God's name high. Don't waste the opportunity to preach His ways and let others know that He is God. Don't be blinded by wordly things that rot as time passes. Have the courage to step on the ground where God has planted and positioned you. Let your life be used to show how great He is.

Let go.

Move forward.

Let God.

What's Your Destination?

I can't think of a title.

Usually when I share my thoughts here, I tend to create something which is eye catching. But now, it seems that my creativity has been tainted, or maybe the fact that I'm totally exhausted - I meant literally EXHAUSTED, makes my brain function abnormally. If ever I ended up making it, you could assume that I've finally realized what to write because really, even if I'm half way typing in my thoughts, I still can't figured out what I would like to share tonight. I guess I can begin this blog by sharing something about my day.

I think I mentioned last time that I was jobless, right? Haha. So there, I went for an interview today. It was supposed to be a fine day, since the place was just near compared with what I'd had a long time ago. However, the address was a little bit complicated. It took me four hours to reach the place. I was circling and asking so many people, but ironically, most of them could not tell me where the place was. I hadn't had a good sleep the night before, so my energy was really low. I skipped breakfast before leaving the house because I'd thought there wouldn't be enough time, though later on I realized that it was actually a good decision, since I was closed to being late on my first job interview.

I walked, rode on a jeepney, and then walked again. Somehow I thought I might not be able to reach the place and all efforts would be wasted. Then I remembered the verse that I'd read just this morning.

"Yet if any man suffer as a Christian, let him not be ashamed; but let him glorify God on this behalf." - 1 Peter 4:16.

I thought if I was suffering now, this was just very little compared with what God had experienced. Upon realizing that, I convinced myself to try it again. I had a short break to fill in my stomach with food and coffee ( the coffee was good by the way,) and afterwards went back to what I'd been doing. Thankfully, some God-sent people gave me the easiest direction. They told me the shortest path to take because I mentioned that I was really in a hurry for my interview.

I was in awed because I actually had not expected that I would still reach the place at ten o'clock, which was the time of my interview. I was on the dot. I did not even run because my feet were hurting already. I assumed that it was really God's grace.

Though difficult and tiring, I had nothing but happiness because I knew right then that God was moving into my life. I am guilty of not realizing these situations before because I was so full of myself. Now, I hope He would continue to guide, bless, protect, and forgive me. I do hope that He will do the same for you.

Today marks a realization that I have come to finally know. I will not share it here for now because I'm still in the process of learning it. I can only tell that it's about destination.

Given all the wrong things that had happened today, God's will prevailed. That's actually my way of saying, 'we have a faithful God and we are blessed beyond our own measure.'

Goodnight.

The Upgrade Challenge

Maybe it’s a little bit early for me to post this entry. The last time was two days ago, but you know, I can’t help it. I have begun to feel comfortable writing my thoughts. I’m assuming that it helps me get my ideas straight. My so called “fearless ideas.” Anyways, as I was saying, there’s no one to talk with. I’m not saying I don’t have friends. Guess I’ve had enough for a lifetime, but then again, they do not always understand how my brain works, and really, I don’t want to give so much burden to them. I think I need this you-go-write-whatever-you-want therapy that I’m doing now.

If you’re a person that totally hangs around, waiting for my every post to appear (really, you do?), thanks so much. Though I don’t know you yet, I’m glad that there’s one brave soul who can withstand my craziness. I hope to get to know you.

So why am I writing?

Well, just now, I have felt the need to stay away from social media. I suddenly felt tired, and I know it’s not healthy anymore. I’m also sick. I meant, physically sick. Yesterday I was with my friends from my previous work. We hung out for some time. It was raining and I got wet from the rain. Prior to that day, I had had a cold. Right now, it feels like my throat is itching and my eyes are feeling terribly tired. I wanted to sleep an hour ago, but I couldn’t. My brain does not want to rest. I’ve been thinking of random things.

Technically, I’m jobless now. Haha. Yes, you read it right. After two years and eight months, I finally ended my service at an online academy. The reasons were first, complacency. I was not growing anymore as a teacher. I’m not saying they did not give me opportunities. Actually, they did. They were very nice and willing to offer me much more. However, I became very complacent. I was not trying. I was not challenged. (FYI: I’m definitely not a perfect teacher. I still want to grow professionally). I knew right then that I needed a push. I had to cut the cycle, simply because it was not helpful anymore. I had to try. I had to feel like I’m at the edge of a cliff - jumping off again.

The second was related to the first one. I have planned to take my masters. I think it’ll be a very good way to challenge myself. I have wanted to do this ever since I was in college. I admired my professors who were still studying even though they were dead tired working for us to learn. I know it will never be an easy thing for me. I’ve done it four years ago. It was unimaginably difficult. I won’t even dream of going back.

Though I just said that I wouldn’t even think of it, I sincerely believe that there’s no other way. I have to do it once again. I am an educator now. God has given me this very chance to improve someone else’s life through education or teaching. I don’t want to ignore that any longer. I don’t want to delay God’s plans for me anymore. I have to be brave. I have to jump off fearlessly no matter where I will land.

The third and the last was because I wanted to begin adapting to this new environment that I will soon experience. A preparation is important. I have prepared all this time and in order to test the effectivity of my preparation, I have to give it a try. I am telling you now about my plan to work in a school. To be really honest, I totally hate confinement, so for sure this will never be an easy thing. Anyhow, I will do it. I know I’ll figure it out somehow.

The Upgrade Challenge. Sounds unrealistic, isn’t it? If you will tell me yes, then it’s okay. I understand. However, it does not mean it’s impossible. In the movie “Transformers - Revenge of the Fallen,” there’s a quote mentioned by Sam, the protagonist to his girlfriend. His girlfriend asked him, “Why did you think it will work?” Sam replied, “because I believe.”

As for me, including every bit of nervousness that I’m honestly feeling now, I know that this is what God wants me to do, and so I believe.

The Game Changer

Hello. It's me again. Flooding this page of another internal dilemma that I have come to realize just now. I think it's true that when things have become clearer than before, you should make yourself remember every detail as much as possible. You have to apply the learning before it spoils. If you understood what I'd said the way other people would assumed it, you would think that I was just trying to keep everything for some sort of purpose in the future. I admit, you were somehow right about that. However, there was another underlying thought that I've been trying to share here.

Let me first tell you about my day.

Earlier this morning until an hour ago, I was watching some motivating and insightful videos of different professors from various countries. They were all very good. They clearly stated their beliefs and methods, and even justified what they've thought as effective way of teaching. They have made me realize that I almost taught or should I say, 'usually' taught my previous students wrongly. Before, I had taught my neophytes just like how most teachers would teach. I usually had the book, made the student read, and then asked questions about it. What a superficial way to deliver the moral that students could have possibly applied outside the four-sided classroom. What I did not realize there was that, I am (and should be) responsible for every small, whether relevant or not, information that I tell my students. One of the speakers mentioned that a teacher should never be afraid of receiving questions. Moreover, he also said that a teacher should be very specific about the knowledge that he shares to students. There should not be any falsification or argument based on emotion, for it affects their learning.

In a nutshell, it's doing exactly what you are obliged to do as a teacher, simply because you are liable both emotionally and morally. Not only that, in one of the videos that I watched, some speaker said that we have to engage and understand students. He said that students have different learning styles, and that we should try to make methods for any styles (even if unusual) possible.

It all circles back to the idea of caring for the students' future. Protecting what they could possibly become using every skill that you have as a teacher. Knowing that inside the classroom or wherever you are right now, you can create different versions of the world's game changers.

Getting Back on Track

It's drizzling tonight. I just got back home and thankfully I wasn't looking all drained. If I would sum up my Tuesday, guess it has run quite well so far. I was able to talk with my students this morning, ate my usual packed lunch, and had some reading about my overdue presentation. Gosh. I'm actually forced to summarize a 15 page structural plan. I've been thinking really hard about how I should do it. I need a miracle.

Though I have loads to do, I have become surprisingly all cooly. It's probably because my time working at the office is almost over. I have passed my resignation early this month. I would only have to spend a month more, and then after that, I could go. I'm honestly frightened, but I know this is the only way to make myself move and explore. I still want to try other things in life. I have missed some of them while working at the office. I have become complacent and didn't realize until recently that time's been running fast. I've realized that I need to get out of this comfort zone.

So, yes. I'm back to my overwhelming busy life. I've missed it. I guess the good thing about being busy is that, you could somehow keep track of your progress. You could look from afar and see how things are going. You could try new things, push yourself to your own limits, and though tiring, you could feel that it’s definitely worth trying. 

I still have a lot in mind, though. Confusing people, perhaps. Nowadays, I've been trying this way of living called 'Minimalist.' I've been focusing my energy on more important things. I could tell that it's been working fine for me, but I guess I would need more practice as well as patience to successfully apply this in my whole life. I'm hoping that this theory would be great. I think I have a lot on my plate these days. I need to sort things somehow.

Light Up the Fire

Here I am again. 

Writing idly and to be really honest, I don’t know where my scattered thoughts would lead me. I just want to have some sort of release. My head is literally aching for the things I have on my everyday to do list. I knew I would need to have some good rest, but that’s just something my mind does not want me to do. It keeps on thinking and probably without this mode ever existing, I would literally explode. The crazy thing is that, I can’t really figure out the problem. I’ve been asking myself for so many times. It makes me wonder if I am still normal. Haha. Maybe I’m still sane, since I’m aware of all the drastic changes in my life. I’m not saying this so that you won’t feel scared of me, though. 

Many have not known that I’m the kind of person who does not know how to express herself freely. I am still on the process of learning that. You might find me all chattery here, but really, I am not like this in real life. Now that’s just something I’ve realized.

Light up the fire. Does this make sense to you? 

Well, I hope it does. Because those who have this in their lives, are probably people who positively conquered everything that has given to them and if you are like this, it only means that you’re a good influencer. YOU MAKE PEOPLE HOPE. When it comes to this matter, I’m on the losing end. The struggle to continue hoping is real. In this world full of worldly things, it’s difficult to stay faithful. Many have lost faith and I am one of them. I am in the process of lighting up the fire in my heart. I guess in all aspects, I have given up what is right and just. I have become hopeless of what it could be, if only I hadn’t let things took their toll on me. Yes, guilty here.

As always, I have asked myself the same question all over again, ‘what has happened to you?’ 

This petty question has driven me nuts, and for sure other people as well.

How could you let yourself end up on this confusing road? Why now? If only you could imagine how I am feeling right now, I would surely be thanking you. It means you’ve just tried to sympathize on some lost sheep. 

The road has been dwindling down as I ran passed the never ending struggle of life. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not like I’m having a fairy tale life and that I’m some sort of a princess in distress. Well, it’s somehow like that, but I’m never the princess. I’m just the one in distress. Haha. 

Rough as I could see it, but maybe…just maybe, I would get myself there. 

In time it will. But for now, I’ll try lighting up this fire first. 

The Girl Who Just Said She Would Start Over

Things seem a little bit blurry nowadays. Actually, I'm still asking myself why I’m writing this entry. I haven't had any specific topic in mind. I’ve just wanted to do this since after college. I have dreamed of saying something from my head even though no one would be interested to know it. I think ‘now’ is the best time. I have a lot in mind and I want to spill every word out.

So, what am I thinking?

I don’t know. I could hardly point out why my fingers are moving across the keyboard. But I knew the invincible has just started to whimper.

She’s dead tired of this life. She has reached her limitless optimism. She is sure to reach the rock bottom of her life quite soon. I guess people have made her tired, or maybe it was because of her hope? She could not really tell. Has she hoped for too much? If she had known people would become like how they were, would she have changed the way she was with them before? She’s the girl who just said she would start over, but what happened? 

I guess everyone reaches this point in life that would make her ask if she is still on the right track. Indeed, life is never easy. Life is nothing but a maze solve by curious, never-say-die people. Now that I am a grown up, it makes me wonder how successful people have become successful. It’s a mystery to me. It has always been like that. 

So, this girl that I am telling you, has decided to move forward even if it’s difficult for her. She said she would start over again. I could tell how hurt she’s been by some reason, but she said she would try again. She said she would try it one more time. She said she wanted to see this through until the end. 

I’m thinking of writing about her. I want to get to know this invincible whimperer who cries out, but still tries.