Yellow Days

My happiest days are filled with yellow. Being a winter person and have skin burn within minutes of sun rays, the summer is never really my thing. However, recently the sun has made me vibrant. I have always loved the outdoors. The smell of the rain on the pavement, the way light rays break through tree branches. The owls growing in my boyfriend’s back tree. The world is absolutely breath taking really. These are the yellow days. The days when I feel like the sun is sparkling everywhere and I am only left with serenity. There is something so special to me about flowers.

Their ability to talk to one another. Flowers have their own soul song. If you place a microphone powerful enough to catch low frequencies you determine that each flower and plant has its about frequencies it gives off. The structure, the time of day, and the reproductive progress each plant makes alters their soul song. But, these flowers continue to sing. This fascinates me. It fascinates me that these delicate plants only need sun and water to survive. Yet, they wilt and die when the skies get grey. To me, flowers are like humans. Each holding their own appearance and now their own soul song but they feel happiness as the sun shines down on them. But sadness as they stand strong agains the frost in the mornings or the rainstorms at night.

There is a language between flowers. Each flower has been given a meaning or a symbol across different cultures.They describe the situation in which they are given for.  For example, carnations give off a more despair of a meaning. Forget me nots, rejections, sadness. Gladiolus for remembrance or honor. Daisy for innocence and peony for compassion. My absolute favorite the sunflower.

My yellow days derived from the sunflower. I decided when I was 19 that I wanted to tattoo a yellow sunflower on my shoulder to keep a day yellow even though it may be a “tired day”. My tired days consisted of my mental health at its lowest points which seem to be amplified currently. Regardless, sunflowers bring a smile to me within seconds. They stand for longevity, gift, energy vibrance. They radiate yellow and can grow up to ten feet tall. Ten feet is 2 times my size!!!! These yellow creatures grow to be so strong and get this strength from the sun. Their energy is extraordinary. Again, my happy days are symbolized by sunflowers. My boyfriend has given me the best yellow days. With surprises to the most beautiful sun flower fields that overwhelmed me with joy. Or dropping off a couple of sun flowers attached to my favorite snack and a note. Flowers are powerful living beings. To me, they are more than their fragrance or symbol of love. They stand for their individual powers. I will forever be captivated by this wonderful part of the world.

-June 2018

1.20.19

I have been trying to write as a mechanism for positive and healthy emotional outputs. I was told once that I was too emotional. Actually you told me this. Anyway, I decided that I was going to write again because I used to speak in poems long before you. I used to write about everything. I have lost the ability for words. I think in time, expressing thoughts becomes overbearing. Like I said, I used to speak in poems. In words of pure optimism. People would value my friendship because of the time I gave to simply listening. Then, the words would flow out with ease. Flow about positivity and the hope that is left for their futures. I would tell them how amazing and incredible they were. I would pin point things they had that made them special. My poetry was noted from many people. I think this is one of the reasons why you fell in love with me. I gave you perspective and attention you did not have then. I gave you the positivity you needed. My poems were at an ultimate high. Then slowly, you saw them fade and be replaced with all the things that I need someone to speak beautifully to me about. 

Sadly, poems do not come my way as much. For a long time you made me just happy. Then, as they often do, things change. My positive outlook was greyed. Everything got darker and harder to bare with. I was so in love with you that it did not matter. All my time was being spent with the one person who made me feel light and beautiful. Who made me feel like my poems were still being heard. Anyway, you know what came about next. A few years of total despair and heartache from both you and me. We became lost within pain and sadness from ourselves and from each other. I have learned a lot I think. 

Like I stated, there is a you and you know who you are. I tried to just write into the world but I found myself only wanting to write to you because I only want to explain the world to you. It seems simple to me and almost easy. You are the one person I have told my world to for the past years of my life. It is most natural. You know me best, but you have lost the delicacy of my beliefs behind all the parts of me the have been tied down and lost within my emotions. 

I think love is the greatest of feelings. You feel as if the world will not hurt you. Safe within the bubble of the person you share the happiest of times with. But also the darkest of times. It is almost unfathomable that this person can see both beauty and hatred within one person and still love. For me, it overwhelms me. I have an abundance of empathy that causes me to not only feel the world so deeply inside me but also the pain of others. I carry so much emotion with me all day. You know this. For a long time this was okay. But recently you told me it was not. You told me I was too emotional that every conversation should not end in me over analyzing. I could talk to you for 5 minutes straight about how I was feeling. You also told me that you do not agree with the things I believe and therefore, they are not a problem. However, how can you say these things. In what world do we all live in that being too emotional is wrong. My emotions are derived directly from passion. Passion for my family, my friendships, people I see in the news, animals I watch in videos, pain for others across seas and of course for the deepest passion you can feel; your significant other. I feel so compassionate and devoted to these people that I could talk for an hour about how I feel. I used to speak in poems. But I got quieter. I stopped talking optimistically and started expressing my passions with anxiety and anger and I think its because of the world today. You stopped listening and started telling me I was wrong to care so deeply for you that I would feel my world shake. I think you’re scared to have someone care that much because you cannot reciprocate it. 

My friends are the same way. They do not speak in poems to me. Everyone speaks in riddles now. Who can get the most likes on a seductive picture or a funny relatable snapchat. I started speaking in riddles too. I desired to get as many likes as my beautiful roommate or my independent stunning best friend from home. I was filled with things that I did not necessarily fit my personality at all. I speak, I write, I think and I put my life within others. I am not sorry for being emotional and I am not sorry for ending conversations in tears. Why? Because I know I have used my ability to love in the deepest ways possible. No one can take that away from me. It is something I was blessed with. The power to speak and to love. I wish you could see this and I wish you could replicate this power in ways that I understood. Why would you want to take away my desire to give other humans the love I feel they need?