Serious life long effects can occur when a child faces a divorce/separation of their mother and father.  This article is interesting as it is from the children’s perspective.  A good read. 

Another song I related with during my separation, in fact it helped me take that leap of faith forward and make the decision to end the wasted years I was accumulating in my relationship with him.  Oddly enough he bought me this CD for Christmas and I played it over and over relating with the words.  With that said “wasted” although true in some aspects is a tough word to use, as there were so many blessing that came from those years, such as my children.  To this day when they tell me how much they hate their father I tell them I will always love him as he gave me the best gifts in the word, better than anyone has ever given me before, you boys are my biggest blessing in life and without your father I would not have you.  Although there were wasted years in between I don’t for one moment regret the time spent together as lessons were learned and and bridges I never want to travel down again have been burned and my gains are greater than my losses. 

This was one of the songs I related to when going through my separation... Hide and Seek,... a deeper meaning to me was that for 5 to 6 years he was a man in a mask and slowly over time that mask peeled back and underneath it all was a child a selfish human incapable of loving the children who so desperately needed him the most.  I remember changing the pictures in the house and the line from this song ‘oily marks on walls where pleasure moments hung before’ and it hurt because I realized as i took them down and saw the marks they left on my walls that I had been fooled and was forced to make a choice to leave as I believed my children deserved more which was incredibly hard.  I was a product of divorce and swore I would never do that to my children and I would stay with their father and work things out come hell or high water but I saw how it was affecting them in a negative way and my paternal instinct was to save my children form the hell and high water.

I remember when I left my ex this song was on the radio often he related with it and loved it, I believe he felt betrayed by me because in order to get him to leave I had to tell him that I thought there might be chance for us if he gave me my space but if he did not leave there was no way we would stand a chance.  This was not my truth it was my only way of letting him down slowly and helping him take the first step out of my home that I needed him to make.

Chapter 12 - Fight or Flight

When I first left the boys father I had him sign an agreement that we would share them week by week, I helped him in so many ways.  I reached out to his friend and found him a place to stay, I even aloud him to continue driving my 2nd vehicle and I paid for the car payments, as well as the insurance under the agreement he would pay me in return.  I also aloud him to keep the same cell phone that was also in my name under the terms he paid me for his usage.  I tried my best to make sure he was taken care of.  A few months went by he didn’t want to see the children, he said they reminded him too much of me and it hurt too badly to see them, which I thought was completely selfish as they missed him and were really confused with what was going on.  Then there was also the fact that he had not paid me anything for the vehicle or the cell phone yet continuing to use them both frequently.  I was now supporting my children, my self, my house and him all by myself and I could not afford to do it all on my own. I found out that he was not aloud to be under my insurance if he was not living with me, so I called him over to talk.  He was more than eager to talk with me although he never came to see the children, I think he thought he had a fighting chance to get back with me and he always enjoyed our long talks.  At the time I smoked and so did he so we talked on the front porch while having a cigarette, I told him that the insurance company said I could no longer have him on the plan if he was not living with me and I think he disliked this as in his mind he thought this was just a break and we would be back together again but in my mind this was for forever.  He geban to leave realizing the conversation was not what he intended and as he walked to my Jeep, I kindly told him that I could not allow him to continue to drive it when he was not paying me for it and that it be best if he left it with me and took a cab.  He laughed and clearly didn’t like that either.  I proceeded to reach into the window and grab the keys from the ignition and as I did he immediately grabbed my hand and began to drive, he grasped it so tightly he was not letting go.  I feared for my life as the jeep sped up so I reached over with my other arm and i was awkwardly twisted but with my cigarette I managed to burned him on his neck and he let go and I stumbled to stay upright as he squealed the tires and sped off down the road.  I called Mr. Right and he came over immediately, he was livid he begged me to let him go after him and give him what he deserved and I told him sternly no,  See my ex had been involved in a very similar situation when him and the mother of my stepson broke up, the separated because she was cheating on him with the neighbor.  The neighbor thought it was funny and taunted my ex when he would see him as if to say, I won, I got your girl.  My ex knew that the neighbor loved his car much more than the mother of his child and one day when the neighbor heckled him he said to my ex that the reason why the mother of his child chose him was because he had a nicer car.  Well my ex walked up to him dragged him over to his car and began bashing his head in the door of his car and as he did he said to him “How do you like your car now?”   The man retaliated by calling the police and placing a restraining order against my ex which made it very difficult for my ex to ever see his son, as the mother of his child moved in with this man and the order stated there was a certain distance that my ex was not aloud to be around the new man, who was now there with his son.  I knew violence was not the answer and I knew that path could lead to further complications so I sternly told Mr. Right to not touch him to not threaten to touch him to let me handle the situation.  Mr. Right reluctantly agreed on one condition, that I call the police and make a report of the incident, which at first I was hesitant to do so as I knew my ex was trying to become a police officer and any record would harm his chances at becoming one and I did want the best for him in the end he was the father of my children and I knew he was a lost hurt sole and I prayed that one day he could be the super hero that the boys thought he was and set a good example for them and be that someone to look up to.  I also knew from my past dealings with physical abuse that sometimes it starts off small and ends up worse and if this was not the last time and it was not on record I would have no grounds to back my complaint so I agreed and I called the police.  They came banging on my door in the middle of the night and when we talked I let them know my hesitations and why I had them and explained to them the situation they said I had 2 options I could log an official complaint or they could simply put the situation in their shift report and it would be there for reference if something like this had ever happened again but it was less official, I went with the 2nd option.  A few weeks later I was called by the police saying that they had my Jeep and it was at the impound.  They found my ex driving it without a invalid drivers license and they took the vehicle away, his licence had been suspended for not paying his child support for my stepson and he continued to drive my vehicle.  The police officer scolded me for allowing him to drive it and I informed him of how I was trying to give it back but I didn’t want to have to report it stolen, he explained to me how I was liable for the vehicle and if my ex had got into an accident and caused any damage it would be my responsibility and that I was not to allow him to drive the vehicle moving forward, I assured him I would not. I paid the impound fees and I got my Jeep back.  This was probably the worst thing that could have happened to my ex and was a hidden blessing in disguise for me for more than one reason as what was inside the Jeep ultimately lead to his demise.    

This is my anthem in my relationship, we are friends first and we compliment each other in every aspect, through the good, hard and indifferent times we come out swinging and every now and then we hit grand slams together because we never give up on each other.  

Your Motoring.... whats your price for flight.... in finding Mr. Right.... although there are many debates on what these lyrics mean, to me it was the long time I spent spinning my tires but not making any traction with a long rep of terrible relationships, it took a lot of heart break to find my prince charming so i was motoring for a long time before Mr Right came a long and figured out whnat my price for flight was.  Maybe not what the song means but thats the funny thing about music, it can mean different things to different people based on the different life experiences we all have.

Chapter 11 - Mr. Wrong/Right

So my mother always told me the best friends make the best lovers... but this friend I knew way too much about, he treated me like on of the guys and I knew stories I should have never known, TMI,  so much that as much as I liked him as a human being I swore I would never date him as I thought I had him all figured out.  He was in the right place at the right time and I was experiencing my second heartbreak to the same man, I ran into him at an after work volleyball game, which i wasn’t even invited to, I simply was called into be a substitute for a baseball league that played at the same venue and I ran into him, it had been a while since we had talked and truth be told I missed him and I was in need of  a strong shoulder to cry on, Fridays slowly turned into something we called Friday Cry days as every Friday I would end up Crying and he would end up consoling me.  Eventually I realized I had more feelings for him than just a friendship and that threw me for a major curve, I thought he wasn’t the type to get into a serious relationship, not that he hadn’t been in one before but he had been hurt in his relationship and stayed in it for far longer than he should as he was attached to the child that was not his, so I figured me with 2 children would be the exact opposite of what he would be looking for in his life and truthfully I probably was and I probably took him for surprise just as much as he did me.  He was not in the market for a long term relationship he was on the rebound and I was not in the market for a rebound I was not suppose to be in the market at all but if I was in the market it would be for a strong forever relationship that offered stability for my children’s sake.  The chemistry between us was strong, I’d venture to say too strong, as sometimes we made beautiful fireworks and other times we made terrifying bombs.  In the beginning we spent a long time learning to dance without stepping on each others toes, two polar opposites ying and yang, we were an unstopable team when we worked together but when one of us tried to get the other to see things through the others eyes it was nearly impossible when one of us saw more black and the other saw more white in the gray areas of life.  Most of the time when we fought it was over us wanting the same things but not being able to agree on the way to get them.  A metaphor would be.... say we both wanted to go to the mall but he thought we should take route A to B it had more road bumps and traffic but it was the shortest distance and I thought we should take route A to C to B seemed longer but less traffic and no bumps in the road so to me it was a more enjoyable drive and due to the less bumps and traffic the amount of time it took to arrive at the destination was the same in my opinion but in his opinion it was a terrible route and so we would go back and forth with who had the better route for so long that neither one of us wanted to go to the mall any more that or we were about ready to take our own vehicles and meet there.  It seemed so silly then and now that we would argue over such petty things when the big picture was we wanted the same end results, to go to the mall together and often times we ended up not moving forward at all based on these types of disagreements which really prolonged our relationships growth but in the process we learned to better communicate and respect each others personal needs.  He was the type that needed space and I was the type that needed company and it took a long time for us to find the correct balance that worked for the both of us.  As polar opposites our likes and dislikes were opposite as well and but we were willing to teach each other and slowly introduce each other into the opposite worlds we lived in.  I would bring him to concerts he would bring me to sporting events and together we would have fun embracing each others passions.  Things progressed quite quickly in our relationship and as a mother this frightened me as I always had the worry that it was too good to be true and I didn’t know if I was strong enough to support the emotional turmoil of losing another male in my children’s lives as losing their father was a hard pill for them to swallow.  It caused all sorts of physical and emotional damage and as much as I wanted their fathers time in their lives it was forced, and then when it happened it caused more damage then good as he made poor choices for their well being enough for any parent to pull back.  They would come home asking about inappropriate things they saw in movies complaining their backs hurt from sleeping on the ceramic floor with no cushions and in the end I said they were not aloud to return until there was a bed for them which he was never able to prove nor was he interested in proving as he had created a new life with the new woman and was on to being baby daddy to the 3rd set of children.  He no longer called to see them, then Christmas came and past without even a phone call and the children were not devastated, in fact it didn’t phase them by this point he had spent a few years slowly tearing himself out of their lives.  I’m certain he blames everyone except himself for this but the children came to a place where they no longer wanted to see him either.  It took years to get to that place though and thankfully the new man in their life became the father they never had.  He was there for them through the thick and thin, good times and bad, the day in and day out routines, tucking them into bed every night and asking them what they wanted for breakfast every morning, Mr. Wrong turned out to be Mr. Right in so many ways and on so many levels.

This is the song that I sang to my boys every night to put them to sleep, interestingly enough when I was a toddler this was the first song I ever sang in the back of my moms car although it was by Cindy Lauper.  The song has been redone over and over first by Phil Collins and then this mix by many artists and then again for the movie trolls, the message remains the same and I hope my children get the message.  I love them for who they are and I hope they always reveal their true colours to the world because they truly are beautiful like a rainbow.

My grandmother use to put this album on my belly with headphones when my babies were in my tummy and to this day the song puts them to sleep.

Chapter 10 - The Loves Of My Life

I cannot explain the way my heart grew the day I birthed my two beautiful boys, I can only tell you that in the end it was them that saved me from a life that was bound for sorrow,  I began living for someone else, someone other than myself.  My life was about providing a roof over their heads and food on their table and I wanted to own the roof that went over their heads and I wanted to be a better person and I wanted to lead them by example and show them that I could be great because they were worth it.  I did just that!  I worked harder than I had ever worked before and I received promotion after promotion after promotion, I tried going back to school and I bought my first home.  I survived on macaroni and cheese, bologna and Mr. Noodles.  My children were everything to me, they still are and there is no one or no thing in this universe that can ever change that.  I live for them and I fight for them and I will never give up for them.  They have made me a better person and I thank them for that every day.  I once told a friend that my child saved my life.  It was a story I told quite a few people but this one friend saw an angle of it that I had never seen nor had anyone ever pointed out to me before.  When my first was born I changed my ways and I went from living to paycheck to paycheck spending foolishly and trying to figure out which bill was worth more to spending my money on essentials and ensuring my bills were paid in order to keep a roof over his head and food on our table.  I told the story of how when he was in my belly I was offered the option to abort on more than one occasion, first by my mother and second when it was thought that he had down syndrome but I refused and this part of the story stuck out to my friend.  My friend told me that it seemed that my child and I had saved each others lives, that I saved his life and he saved mine and it was sweet the way we lived for each other.  To this day we have an unspoken bond, one that will never be broken.  My second son and I connect on a very different level but the connection is equally strong. Since the beginning of time he has always known how I am feeling and he is the first to hug me on a difficult day.  Our emotional connection is so strong, stronger than my words can explain.  He is my lover boy and his soul is a helpless romantic.  I only hope that one day he can find a woman who can appreciate him for the depth he is willing to love, although I’m sure his heart will be broken and when it does it will bleed out mercilessly but I pray one day a woman comes along that can love as deeply as him and return the copious amounts of love he has to give.  My children are my universe they provide me with purpose and every day I live is in their honor.  They are truly the greatest gifts I have ever received and I tell them all the time I will always love their father for he has helped me in receiving them and they are my most precious gifts in the world.             

Chapter 9 - Liar Liar Pants On Fire

He was quiet... my mother always said to go after the quiet ones, as it was the quiet ones who had a story to tell, one that only I could discover and then it would be special I alone would know the story that hung on his heart strings.  She told me most of the quiet ones were quiet because they had nothing to say but some, the rare ones would have a story untold and this one, had a story like no other I had heard before.  His father a degenerate gambler who lost all of the family possessions to his addiction.  His mother a woman on the prowl, more concerned about what was between her legs than what was born through them.  His uncle, in the mob and the one to raise him as he was the troubled middle child and no one knew how to help him so they thought it was best he go live with the uncle to straighten him out... straighten or bend?  The man was so crooked I don’t know if he knew what straight was?  At a young age he was taught to torture, I suppose it started with animals, the pig he loved so dearly that he himself had to slaughter for dinner... but that was of the norm for a farm family.  The man in the garage, who didn’t pay his debts, that was when he was taught how to use a gun.  His name was Miguel but I would later learn that none of this was true. I should have known better but i was young and I believed everyone to be as open and honest as I myself was.  My first night with him he talked and talked and talked and I thought WOW this man is someone I can hold a conversation with, someone who can do just as much talking as I do.  He left out the fact he had a child and that he was on ecstasy so he was only talking because he was high.  We had sex, the next day he was very moody and I remember offering to make him coffee and he made a comment that I found very rude then when he woke up and went to the bathroom he was complaining that his nipples were sore. He then went into the shower and found my birth control patch on his leg.  Soon after I found myself pregnant, working mid-nights, I slept during the day and as I lay peacefully his hand would run through my purse and into my wallet and then he would go to the store and deduct 100′s of dollars until the amount equaled 1000′s.... I was unaware but when my bill collectors began calling and the money was not in my account I was certain I had been taken for fraud.  I went to my bank and the lady behind the counter told me than 9 times out of 10 it was someone you knew and I knew the only person that had access was him and it could NOT be him I was pregnant with his child how could he steal from me?  We were fighting for the same cause or so I thought.  I took her advice I went home and I played CSI and I threw the smoking gun down on the table and I suggested the bank knew that it was him who had been taking the money and to my surprise he admitted to all of it and I was floored.  I left him.  I went to my closest friend, my gay friend, and he had me write a list of pros and cons which I did on the inside of a take out pizza box and in the end raising a child without the father had more cons than it did pros so I returned to him to try and start over.  We found a place to rent and he bought me an engagement ring and we were trying our best to play house.  My mother had suggested I get an abortion my grandmother suggested I give her the child and she would raise it and it was only my father who treated me like an individual.  I was then told my child would have down syndrome in which case the father did not want the baby and I for one was not about to give up.  I had an uncle who was given a false positive and he had made a choice to terminate the pregnancy and it weighed so heavily on them that I myself could not bring myself to that place and having had an abortion before and the toll it took on me I was not about to go through the same situation again over a child I made out of love, young love but love.  I went through with everything and 9 months later I had a healthy baby boy, he beat the odds and that day he was born was the day my heart fell in love, true love, for the first time and I realized that yes I shared something with his father a love for our son but my love for my son was so much stronger than anything I had with his father.  I began asking silly questions such as if a bus was coming for me or your child who would you save in an attempt at trying to prove the difference in love for a child vs a spouse and he would answer that he would save me and it floored me as this was not my answer and I would straight out tell him that I would never save him over my child and that I thought it was sick that he would save me over his own flesh and blood.  It didn’t take long... within a year I had separated from him and I was living with my grandparents as a single mom.  All it took was one asshole to shove me back into the liars arms as I was convinced that no one would understand my love for my child except the person I created the child with.  Looking back I cant fathom how wrong I was in thinking this to be truth.  After going back to him I found myself pregnant again.  I am certain now that him impregnating me was an attempt at getting me to stay with him as he knew he was losing me for good and it worked for a little while until I could no longer stand for the turmoil my stepson was experiencing and the fact he did nothing to help him made me realize this was not the man I thought he was and it was true his love for me was stronger than his love for his children.  His love for his children was nothing compared to what I had for mine.  My stepson was experiencing child abuse and I tried my best to save him from the terrible things he would confide to me but in the end children’s aid was a useless service and the law was not in my favor as it was his father who needed to fight for him and with no blood relationship there was not much I could do for him.  In the end I decided I could no longer be a witness to these terrible things and I was not about to stay with a man, sorry a boy, who was willing to watch his children suffer and do nothing to help them.  So I left again and this time for good.              

Great song and great video, I love this new world we are living in where the LGBT community is becoming more accepted I know there is still a far way we need to go but its beautiful to see and in comparison to the old world it is a breath of fresh air to see people being accepted for the sexuality that they were born with.  

Love is like a child, it does not know gender, it does not know colour, it does not know race, it does not know disability, ... EVOLve back to the basic innocence of your child like heart, mind, soul...

Chapter 8 - Three’s a Crowd

My varsity, football player boyfriend visited me while I was in the hospital and I thought wow how sweet, when I was released finally we decided to save some money and move out of the dorm and move to a bachelor sweet above a bar just the two of us.  Shortly after our friend who was in the dorm we were in wanted to move out too so he suggested we get a really nice place the 3 of us and split the bill.  My boyfriend and I got the master suite with an en suite bathroom and walk in closet the living room had a fire place and a breakfast bar in the kitchen and it even had a laundry room in the apartment which was rare in the area.  It was amazing! My boyfriend didn’t have a job he was getting his money from his student loans which was not enough so I helped him find a job with a connection as a life guard for a summer camp, it was great money but he had to stay there for a few days at a time, then he’d get to come home a few days at a time, he started to say they needed him so he was just going to stay and....  Well he was cheating on me and that was the end of that and now my friend and I were left in an apartment we couldn’t afford just the two of us, me brokenhearted, him supportive and although we tried our best to make the bills working more jobs, we eventually had to move to something a little less extravagant.  My friend was amazing though he helped me through so many difficult life situations.  He was gay so there was never any worries of him falling for me so he was the best guy friend a girl could ever ask for and vice versa.  we were inseparable.  We had deals like if by 30 we were not married we would marry each other but still date other people, silly things like that.  He made sure I stopped taking my medication as it was causing me to not be able to see, read, sleep, sit still, or feel, I was a mortal zombie and he told me it was not good for me and it was perfectly normal for me to experience what I did from a lack of sleep and it was perfectly normal for me to experience a lack of sleep after experiencing the stress I had to endure,... so little by little he took me off of it and instead he had me smoke joints when my anxiety would creep up and it helped and it worked.  We use to walk to the “cruise parks” where he would pick up men and take them home for one night stands, usually married men and then he would tell me all about his night with them like girl talk and there were some really risky and sad stories like how many friends he had that had committed suicide based on the struggles and stresses of being gay and being accepted for that and it broke my heart.  He knew he was gay by the age of 5 when he had a crush on the next door neighbor and his father couldn’t come to terms with the fact his son liked other men, I think in the end he tolerated his sexuality but never accepted him and I think that tore him up inside?  He never told me it did but as a friend I could see it hurt him and I could imagine.  He was so strong though, he never showed weakness, he was the older guy that had everything together he knew who he was, where he was going, what he was doing and it was so admirable, I looked up to him in so many ways.  He was in the Navy and doing great at the university with me and oddly enough for the first time in my life I was in a healthy relationship with a man, a gay man, there was no sexual connection but we were friends, best friends and we respected each other and to this day I look back and value every second we had and truly believe he was a guardian angel sent to me in a series of dark chapters in my life, his friendship brought me the light I so desperately needed to keep stepping in this game called life.  Eventually he moved far away and we lost touch and it killed me but more recently we found each other and I look forward to reconnecting as a friendship like that is too special to lose.    

Chapter 7 - Jailbreak

Finally morning came and I was aloud out of my room I thought this is great, I am free finally!! The most glorious part was there was a water machine where you would could get as much ice or water as you wanted I thought I was the most luckiest girl in the world and then i thought wow i cant believe how weird it feels to feel fortunate to have water!  I drank and drank and drank and drank..... slowly but surely like zombies other highly medicated people started coming out of their rooms,... it was scary,... the things they said to me didn’t make sense and some were really mean, some were really nice and then in a split second extremely volatile and I wasn’t so sure I wanted to be out of my room anymore...?  The nice thing though about being outside of me room was there was a TV that played music and a phone, a phone!!!!! I thought oh my God I can call my mom she will get me out of here so I tried using the phone and it didn’t work I tried pressing 9 first then the area code then the number but still nothing.... one the others said try pressing 81 first so I did and it worked I was so happy and thankful but when I called my mom she sounded like she was in a panic she told me very seriously that I had to find the nurses and ask for a form something like 3 or 4 and I was like why? She said it��s just important you must do it, so I did.  I later found out that this form made me stay in this hell hole longer as it gave my mother more control, she was not a normal mother and trusting her was probably the dumbest move I could have made.  The Doctors did not once listen to me they simply forced medication on me but had they listened they would have known I suffered from abuse and abortion and I was a case of Post Traumatic Stress and Postpartum but they were diagnosing me bipolar and my mother was loving it, she actually said how happy and relieved she was that I was bipolar because she use to worry that maybe I was the way I was because of her upbringing but now that she knew I was bipolar it was such a relief to know that it was not her fault that I was the way I was.  What was the way I was?  An A+ student, student counsel member, swim team member, badminton team member, band geek was this a bad person? A troubled teen? I simply never liked her along with the rest of my family and the rest of the world and it bothered her so much until the day I was diagnosed bipolar so she could wash her hands free of her troubles with me.  Anyways,...all this water I was drinking made me have to pee so I went but I realized I was bleeding too.... I went to the nursing station the room where they all sat talked and I asked if I could get toilet paper and they said you have to ask your nurse and sent me away... I thought who is my nurse?  So I tried asking again, a different lady this time, she said I have to ask my nurse, so I said oh, I don’t know who my nurse is and she angrily pointed across the hall and shut the door on my face.  There was a board it had names on it but I didn’t see my name.  so I was confused?  I saw numbers and names that repeated themselves and I thought oh maybe those are the nurses for the rooms so I went to check my room number and then found it on the board and then went to find my nurses name.  I went to the nurses station proud that I knew my nurse finally and when I asked for my nurse they said one second and slammed the door in my face and I waited there patiently as they all sat in there talking and laughing and then finally a girl came out and said “how can I help you?” but in a rude tone but hey at least she was asking to help me THANK GOD! I said” I need some toilet paper for my room and...” you have to ask housekeeping” and shut the door and went back to laughing with her nursing staff.  I felt in shock a bit all I needed was some toilet paper and she couldn’t help me with it.... and how was I suppose to find house keeping? So I went to the bathroom and used the paper towels for as long as I could which was very uncomfortable but they did the job.  When I went back into the common area security was called and guess who was the security guard... the guy who pulled my panties to the side and put his cock inside me when I said stop.  I was mortified.  I ran back to my room and prayed he didn’t see me and I cried and cried and cried and cried and cried  and cried and cried and cried I looked down at my bruises and cried some more and then I felt dead inside numb hallow.  I really wanted to go home but no one would listen to me and I was stuck, trapped in this hell hole with the man that date raped me.  I was so afraid, I was so scared, I just wanted to open my eyes and then this would have all been a bad dream.  Knock knock.... housekeeping was here, I dried my eyes and I said oh sorry, thank goodness, I need toilet paper they said oh ok no problem that’s what we are here for, so I left my room and gave her privacy to clean my room as i didnt feel like talking and she just caught my crying.  Security was gone and I was left with just the other patients who all wanted to know why I was crying and I didn’t want to talk so I just sat there short lipped staring at the TV and music videos trying to zone out of my life.  I stayed there for as long as I could handle then went back to my room to go to the bathroom and to my surprise housekeeping forgot my toilet paper, so I went to my nurse and I told her “I’m sorry to bother you but I asked house keeping for toilet paper but they forgot but I still need toilet paper” she heavily sighed and said “that’s not my job it’s house keeping’s” and shut the door in my face.  I had never truly wanted to die before but being in this place, being treated this way had definitely made me feel like I’d rather die than go another day being treated like a misbehaved child, the nurses were mad that I wouldn’t take their medications without them telling me what they were first and the doctor’s were being told I was not cooperating and when they talked to me they wouldn’t listen to my story about rape or abortion they just wanted me to take the pills and so they were not allowing me to leave until I took their pills their diagnoses and shut up.  Weeks went by, I watched a girl slice her wrists in front of me, I had a man tell me he was an angel who had sex with himself, there was a girl that would be so sweet then with the wrong word she’d flip out and call you a fucking cunt face, a guy in an orange jump suite with shackles around his feet and police at his side every second and I had enough so I decided to take the pills just so I could get out, then once I got out I could discuss what they were what they did and weather or not I wanted to keep taking them.  So I learned the game, played by the rules, did my time and got out on good behavior. 

Love this song and after writing about my desperation of water makes me think of this songs line “there must be something in the water”.... I wonder if the nurses wouldn’t get me water because something was in the water? I bet their jobs were in that water,.... no wonder they never got it for me!!!!! ooops inside voice....but for real if your a nurse and hate your job please do the world a favor and find a new career....