theimportanceofnotme
The Diary of a Dumb Ass
I'm the dumb ass who feels better after writing shit out and posting it online.
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First time mom checklist
Feedings:
Bibs
Bottles
Burp cloths
High chair
Bottle cooler/Bag
Bottle drying rack
Bottle warmer
Breast oump
Cups
Nipple creams
Nursing pillow
Solid feeding plates
Sleeping:
Baby monitor
Bassinet or bedside sleeper
Crib
Crib mattress
Crib sheets
Swaddles
Sound machine or soother
Diapering:
Changing pad
Changing pad covers
Changing table
Cream/ointmet
diapers
Diaper bag
Diaper pail
Wipes
Baby gear:
Baby carrier and wrap
infant car seat
Stroller
car seat accessories
Travel crib
Travel systems
Wagon
Health and safety:
Baby thermometer
First aid kit
Nasal aspirato
Pacifiers
Teethers
Brush and combs
Humidifier
Bathing:
Bath tubs
Towels
Bath toys
Washcloths
Nursery and decor:
Chest and or dresser
glider or rocking chair
hamper
lights and lamps
mobile
storage boxes
Clothing:
Bodysuits
Booties
Footies
Hats
Pants
Socks
Headbands
Mittens
Outerwear
Outfit sets
Shoes
Playing:
Activity gym or mat
Books
Bouncer
Playard
Seat or lounger
Soft plush toys
Swings
Walker
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12/10/2023 Cont...
We spoke and decided to try things again but only if I stopped with the Coke and he stopped Drinking. We were in agreance with that and I started a new job as a live in nurse for a Spanish lady which im not gonna get into cause that was hell but on my second day his mother sent me pictures of how he had destroyed the trash can and broke his phone in a drunken rage so I told him what him and I were starting up again is done cause im not going to date an alcoholic after living with one and dealing with them most of my life. Which i think was valid but he was sad and I told him tough shit at first. I kept my distance and went back to Dylan emotionally. That didn't last very long tho cause I dropped Dylan off at our friend Marcus's house to drink and have a good time while I was getting over a cold and I told him to just spend the night there so I could get some good sleep in. I got a call a few hours later for me to pick him up and I was pissed off but got up anyways and as I was driving there our mutual friend was blowing my phone up with texts. Come to find out the reason he needed to be picked up was because his Ex-Girlfriend he was living with and STILL FUCKING just found out about me and him also fucking. I was mad. He could have simply told the both of us that he was doing us both and we BOTH would have Been okay with it cause it wasn't anything majorly serious. But he caused a huge scene between all of us and He sorta ran away and I ended up going to a trap house with his ex and our friend. I smoked a cigarette and took a few shots. We all came back to Marcus's house and I started to go back to my truck to head home pissed. But the fact that I wasn't crying made me stop for a minute cause I usually burst into tears during any kind of confrontation. So I pull out my phone and I send Dylan a text asking him if he's good. He told me where he was and I don't mess around with suicide attempts so I rushed to where he was and I went to make sure he was okay. My initial plan was to leave him there with a blanket so he didn't freeze that night but I felt bad so I gave him the option of either going back to Marcus's house, back to his Ex's, or we call 211 and find him a shelter for the night. He had a huge fit and I made sure to let him know he could just spend the night outside with just a flimsy blanket and clothes he got on right then and there and eventually we decided he was going to get dropped off at his Ex's. That whole mess was terrible and eventually I thought we could get over it all and just go back to being plain ol friends but he caught hella feelings. I invited him to smoke with me and a few of my friends which he agreed to so I picked him up and everything was chill like it used to be until I went to drop him off. He was going off the rails about how him and I were born into this world for each other and what not which was frustrating and during this time I was also getting things patched up with Dante again. He got himself sober and asked me questions on how to better himself which I tried to answer but who am I to tell him what makes a man a good man. Dante and I decided to get back together and pretend the manic episode didn't happen, but only for other people. If we need to we can still talk about it which is good for us but other people don't need to know about it. Dante asked me to block Dylan and I did without hesitation. But I didn't block him on Instagram cause I barely used it and frankly I kinda forgot Dylan and I followed each other there. Now I use Instagram more cause family decided it was going to be the new Facebook and I post things and he hearts everything, he's tried messaging me on there and I just muted him and I find myself posting new things for him to see. I know hes going to see it and I want him to and I wait for him to send me another message that I can read and not respond to. I'm not sure if I just like the attention but lately I've even been masturbating to the thought of him and I bumping into each other somewhere and we run to my car and we go at it like feral hormonal animals.
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12/10/2023
I have so much going on in my head tonight. I don't even know where to start or how to rummage through my mess of a mind. I guess I'm just gonna start off with what's popping up the most at this very moment. I'm not sure If i mentioned the whole situation with Dante, and Dylan. I found myself panicking once again and I fell into a pretty deep manic episode that led me to doing Coke, Partying almost every night, going out and finding anyone to talk to about anything as long as they looked like they were listening to me and called me pretty. But anyways, I moved out of my parents house and found a little one bedroom apartment not too far from my parents house. At the time I was making good Money working for DCF as a Caregiver/Companion for foster kids in group homes. I was bringing home $1,000+ every week. So affording an $850/Monthly apartment felt like nothing. I was willing to pinch pennies essentially. The main reason I actually went through with getting the apartment was because I was starting to show little signs here and there of me going into a manic episode. I got approved and signed off on the apartment and I got the keys. It was summer time and I hate being hot so I managed to get a bunch of friends and people to help me move my things in. Then my friend Katelyn moved in too cause she didn't have anywhere else to go since basically everyone kicked her out for not having a stable job. Her and I started to reconnect again after some time not seeing each other in person. It was nice. We would have coffee together and smoke a joint outside my room window. It was really nice actually. But I had a boyfriend, Dante. And don't get me wrong I love him to pieces but he was drinking a lot and making my life a little harder by always doing the opposite of what I was asking or advising or anything really. He would show up unannounced and obnoxiously ring my doorbell which scared my friend cause Trauma is a running theme. Eventually I got tired of it and I broke up with him out of frustration. I didn't think we were actually 100% broken up tho cause I love him. But after ending things with him that's when everything started to go downhill. I got frustrated with everyone and everything. I was ready to pack up and move out of state to start over completely. But instead I ghosted my extremely well paying job, I started going to the club on the weekdays and the bar with my roommate on the weekends. I started talking a lot more to an old friend. His name is Dylan. He was cute and very nice to me. I would vent to him vaguely about my problems with Dante and he would listen and let me know that everything happens for a reason which I've always believed so it was nice hearing it from someone else. Eventually Dylan and I started to Fuck and it turned into something I didn't view as intensely serious like an actual relationship it was more like were stuck with each other for all of eternity but were only friends. Him and I spent 2 months Fucking 4 times a day. I loved it cause when I was with Dante him and I maybe fucked three times a month and I think I have normal libido but Dante's was just barely existing. Anyways I started to calm down from the Manic episode which is when it hit me I was going to lose the apartment cause I had no job and I had forgotten to pay rent, I finally realized I told Dante I didn't want anything to do with him, I realized I had been fucking my friend every single day without birth control. It all came crashing on top of me bright and early in the morning. I called Dante that day and he handed the phone to his mother who calmed me down as I was hysterical on the phone and she showed up at my door with water and open arms. She brought Dante with my permission and after she had calmed me down enough she left me with him to talk about everything and I'll admit I did lie to him about only fucking Dylan once but I didn't think it was really needed for him to know he gave me the best sex I had had in a very long time.
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12/10/2023
So some nights when I'm having trouble falling asleep and I'm laying in bed and staring at my ceiling, I get this intense feeling in my chest. Almost like a deep yearning ache. I start to feel my nerves tingle and I get a sense of urgency overwhelming all my senses. No thoughts, just one phrase repeating over and over again
"Get up and leave"
It starts off like a soft whisper but the louder that voice gets the more i feel myself getting antsy. Then I sit up and that's when I try to rationalize myself.
"I can't just pack up and leave"
"I have too many responsibilities now"
"I've made too much progress to fall back into my old sporadic habits"
Eventually I manage to calm myself down enough to get up from bed without running to the hills. I'll make a cup of tea and sit in the kitchen staring out the window imagining what it would have been like if I had let myself leave. Where would I go? What would I have brought with me? Would I have cut contact again? Would I give any warnings? Would I try to bring someone with me? By the time I finish my cup of tea the sun starts to come up and I live on as if none of these feelings happened. I resumed my day as if I had gotten the perfect 8 hours of sleep. Until the sun goes down again, I'm laid in bed staring at my ceiling unable to fall asleep and that ache in my chest comes back to haunt for yet another night.
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Catching Up (?)
It's been a long time since I've written on here and I have a lot to say. I'm not sure if I can manage it all into one giant post or if I'll end up scatter brained and making a bunch of posts with most of what I need to say. I'll start off with the basics. I'm now 22, I am in a somewhat healthy committed relationship, and my emotions still run wild. I ended up getting a phone call which distracted me and I just put my phone on airplane mode to end it but when things come back to mind I'll possibly make another post.
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3.16.22
I havenāt written in a long time and I think now would be a good time to pick that up again. Early morning with a nice warm cup of coffee and the day has just barely started but I already feel an intense weight on my chest. So many running thoughts in my mind, an overwhelming sound in the back of my head telling me to slow down and a burning feeling in my heart that just wonāt go away. Starting at what has been on my mind non stop is a boy. Another guy another heartbreak, more unrequited love, more of me pouring myself over him just to be left alone in a slippery mess having to clean myself up becuase nobody else will. The never ending cycle of habing to retract my feelings to make sure they stay and I donāt overwhelm them. To paint a picture of this guy Iām going on about letās start from the first interaction I had with him. I already clocked out of my shift but I usually stay and hang out with some of the other workers to avoid going home and I just so happen to get a coffee for a new friend I made, so I get our coffees and drop it off and stay to talk a little and thatās when he shows up. The intense smell of menthol cigarretes and his cologne fill up my senses, his intense demeanor send chills down my spine and his warmth radiating over me. All together it felt like I got caught in a wave and I couldnāt breath but what was I supposed to do? I was dating his boss at the time. I ignored it and carried on as if he were just another strsnger in the building. He asked me my age since he walked into our conversation and at first It seemed like he wasnāt really interested and just asked out of kindness. That was the end of that. I figured he dodnāt want anything to do with me or my thoughts and I felt content with it. Then he comes and works on a drop Iām doing and he starts talking to me. The overwhelming feeling takes over my body once again and I couldnāt do anything about it. Fast forward to now and we talk everyday! We text each other every single day, I walk with him after I clock out, we go on smoke breaks together, I indulge myself into his whole being making all my choices about him and I even got a little sexual with him within the time but it feels empty to me now because I know Iāve fallen for him. I live day by day thinking about him, has he eaten today? Did he finally make that appointment he was supposed to? Did he sleep enough last night? I catch myself dreaming about our lives together in a small home on the country side and all the romantic time we could be spending but his feelings are completely out of the loop. I just wish I could grab his face and scream all the things Iāve been feeling to him and to have him hold me tighter telling me he feels the same way! but I know Iām not capable of doing something like that. Iām reserved and keep myself away. I worry about making the wrong move and I worry If I say the wrong thing heās just going to disappear from my life forever. Hes turned into my daily routine and I would like nothing more than to have him continue being my daily routine or even incorperating him more into it cause I enjoy his company. I enjoy the conversations we have, i like the small silent moments where we donāt say anything but I canāt help but smile, the times he acts silly and talks in a mocking tone to something dumb i said, the way he shakes his head when I tell him one of my dumb dad jokes. His presence is so warming and welcoming and I would like nothing more than to keep that warmth for myself.Ā
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Happy new years. Itās already January 14 of the new year and while I was expecting to have a great and amazing start instead I got covid. To be fair Iām not that surprised. I usually get sick around this time anyways and I was bound to get covid at some point but it still sucks having to stay inside locked in my room by force. Any other time this would be fine but since I know I canāt leave my room and now I canāt even see my cat cause my mom saw something on facebook saying cats can catch covid I am confined to the four walls of my room until my 20 days are up. It was supposed to just be 5 days but then the hospital called and said 10 days and now my job is adding another 10 days so I have 20 days of alone time. While I would usually love it I canāt do anything so I donāt. I hate it. And having to constantly hear my parents arguing or have them banging on my door cause they want me to try a new medicine is really starting to get to me. I like it when mom has to go to work and dad wants to go out cause I can be alone in a peaceful setting. I love my parents but god they annoy me.Ā
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Does life seem real to you?
Not in the slightest. There are times where I will sit down and think back on my memories and they all just feel so fake. The life Iām living right now doesnāt feel real at all and sometimes it feels comforting to think that everything I do no matter how dumb or embarrassing is pointless cause itās fake, sometimes it freaks me out. I mean all this hard work Iām putting in just for a simulation, a video game, or even a sick version of the Truman show. I mean Iām listening to a song that brings back the memory of my first bath with my ex while writing this as a way of comfort to myself. If that doesnāt sound like a scene from a shitty movie than IDK what does. Iām so beyond confused with how the world works and everyone else seems so on track so what other explanation do I have other than Iām just dumb? The world isnāt real. Sometime I feel like my body is on autopilot and when I finally come back I donāt remember a single thing. It feels like I just loaded an old saved file from a game I havenāt played in a few years. Itās weird thinking about it but what else can I do? I cry about it to myself, I question it alone, I feel it in solitude. Weird. I feel weird about life.Ā
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Nothing much to talk about that I can think of as of right now but I felt like writing could be kinda helpful right now. Iām sick so thatās not much fun. Iām pretty sure itās just a normal cold like I get every year around this time but mom made it seem like I was dying so we went to the emergency room and they gave me a rapid test and once of those standard tests. The rapid test came out negative but I still have to quarantine until I get my results for the standard test which means I have to call out of work until I get my results which is usually 10 days so that sucks ass. I donāt mind being home all this time but unfortunately I cant stand my mom and her and I donāt get along at all so being home all the time is putting a real strain on both of us. it makes me wanna move out extra hard right now. Oh Mackenzie and Richard are in some trouble now too. Kenzie decided to go out with a co worker and send him some nudes and she told me and her other friend Emma and Emma spilled the beans to Richard so now theyāre fighting over it but honestly we all saw this coming. Richard has been using mackenzie since the very begining o their relatiosnhip and i never liked him for that. He also has a fucked up history of cheating and degrading women. Next topic Steven made me soup cause Iām sick and he got me my favorte candy bar along with a stuffed sloth cause theyāre the closest to dinosaurs since he couldnāt find a dinosaur. He covered it in his cologne, the one that I really like so when we canāt be together itāll still feel like Iām snuggled with him. It was really sweet of him to do. I feel so sick lol. Iāve been looking at houses for rent so I can just dip but I wanna get my license first so I can drive places. I think getting my license is first and while getting my license I will be saving up some money so I can get a new place and that is my current plan. Save, license, new home, continue saving, try to be an adult. Iām gonna start looking at houses now and see what I can find.Ā
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November.14.2021
Iām going to watch a movie with someone I work with who Remanje thinks has a crush on me and now iām nervous cause what if Iām just thinking this is a date type situation and it really isn't? That would be awkward. Either way Iām really excited cause heās kinda cute although Iām not actively looking for a relationship so Iām going into this thinking of it as just watching a movie with a friend and nothing more until Iām told otherwise. God I canāt even explain how cute he is. He looks like a cute dweeb, has the same interests as me, the literal perfect height compared to my own, and his voice is just soothing. Plus his uniform looks amazing on him. He hasnāt really seen what I normally dress like so Iām hoping it doesnāt turn him away from me but to be fair I havenāt seen what he looks like on the daily. But from what Iāve seen in pictures so far he seems to dress like the average Joe. God Iām so nervous about this. What if I make a mistake and he doesnāt wanna even wanna be my friend anymore? What if I end up being too annoying? Iām kinda worried he doesnāt know how old I am and truthfully I donāt even know how old he is but Iām an adult and Iām of age to consent to anything in that sense. Although I did tell him Iām a smoker so that might make him think Iām 21+ which Iām not. God just a year too young. Iām really freaking out over this and itās probably not even a big deal. Oh! I wanted to lend him my favorite book by Clive Barker but I canāt seem to find it so I wanna lend him my favorite book of all time, The Fifth String. I adore that book and I hope he likes it too. I donāt think he would since he mainly reads Stephen Kingās work. Actually thatās all I think he reads. I got to say hi to him at work today and he saw me in my glasses for the first time today on the floor. I was sweaty and gross. He did say I looked cute in my glasses so thatās always nice to hear. But he could have just been being friendly to the new girl working with all the guys. I should start getting ready to make sure I donāt fuck up too badly last minute lol. Wish me luck!!
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Bruh I just wanna be loved. I have this constant stream of thoughts and I think itās starting to get to me cause itās like every waking moment Iām thinking of something but when I go to write it down or speak about it it just isn't there anymore. Only when Iām alone is when I feel like my mind is running non stop. I kinda hate it. Started talking to meagan more but I wanna talk to someone who is consistent with me and constantly in contact and we do things together. That sounds really clingy and it might just be something i want in the moment but im not sure anymore. Im not sure pf anything anymore, I feel mad right now and there is no goof reason for it.
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Well earlier tonight I started crying and I wanted to die so badly. Like it felt like it would be better to just not be alive to avoid every problem and not have to feel anything horrible again. I donāt really know what triggered the feelings and the break down of tears cause right before I was laughing at Tik Toks then all of a sudden Bam! I felt like it wasnāt worth it anymore. Funny enough while getting ready my phone rings and itās Meagan. Sheās at work right now and wanted someone to talk to while shes bored doing her routine and I appreciate the call keeping me awake. I saw a security guard close to my age, well he looked like it, and I wanted to talk to him but the opportunity never came and when it finally did it just felt weird to walk up to him and say what?Ā āHey my name is [REDACTED] nice to meet youā Thatās so awkward and I wanna avoid that lol. But maybe if I see him tonight Iāll try to say hi or something along those lines. Bad thing about all of this is I have a hideous uniform. It makes me look extra ugly and Iām not here for it. If I could just wear the uniform but in black that would be a million times better but alas I gotta wear the ugly beige colored uniform that washes me out cause of the color of my skin. It sucks but thereās nothing I can do about it so it is what it is.Ā
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So Iāve decided to start doing extensive researching on moving to TN and I think I might just apply to get a job there and see what happens but I kinda wanna wait till I get my license before I do that but that means having to wait till next month on the 14th which Iām not sure I can handle the wait but on the other hand I could post pone this and just move but maybe I shouldnāt. Thereās a lot going on through my head right now and I should be sleeping for work rn.Ā
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Something I should mention right now in this very moment is the fact that I have made the decision to say fuck it and leave. Iām going to save up every check I get until I get my license and a car, then Iām leaving. I have decided to move to Tennessee with my online friend Caleb and Iām gonna see how it goes. If anyone else that I know whatās to move with me I am so down for it. Honestly fuck it. I just need change and I know for a fact my dad will always let me back here with him so I have a safety net. But I know this is the kind of adventure Iām looking for and Iām hella excited for it.Ā
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I know your pizza order
You have freckles on your shoulders
you make this face when youāre tired
you always make a face when you try something new
youāre favorite pie is pumpkin, right?
i know you phone number donāt worryĀ
you fiddle with your pens when youāre bored
you only eat cereal when youāre sad
I wanāt someone who pays attention to me and doesnāt want just the physical.Ā
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I donāt know what to write exactly but I felt like I should write something right now. Iām listening to music right now trying to get back into some type of focus but itās not working all that well lol. Everything has been turned into a blur and itās been like this for a long ass time. Not sure what to do with it but it is what it is I guess. Iām saving up for a trip to Nashville to go see Dylan and I convinced Caleb to go with me and tomorrow after my nap Iām going to go see a movie with Mark and Owen. I am literally on the phone with Dylan right now and Iām so elated cause he sounds so different but like in a good way. Heās playing a song he made right now it sounds hella good but a little depressing. Iām getting the story behind the song. Iām all giddy hearing him again and this feels great!Ā
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For therapy tomorrow
- I feel like nothing I do is real
- I feel like Iām not real
- I feel very distant from myself. Like I can see and hear everything but it doesnāt feel like itās me. Itās almost like Iām in a game and Iām playing myselfĀ
- I have this constant feeling of being watched
- Iāve been feeling kinda useless and like nothing I do even matters
- Iām having really bad mood swings like one minute I feel great and then I feel like Iām falling down the never ending rabbit hole
- Iāve been feeling a lot uglier than I usually do. Like it hurts to think about it and I try to avoid thinking and talking about it but I feel so ugly. Monstrous even.
-Ā I joined the Satanic Temple in an impulse cause I saw a few things about it and I read about it and I kinda liked the message they were trying to get out
- Iām scared that Iām going to fuck up my life and Iāll never be able to come back from it.Ā
- Iāve been having a hard time eating again and itās not cause I feel fat but i do feel fat itās cause my mom is focused on feeding grandpa which means sheās only cooking for her and him and the foods she makes has this awful texture that makes me wanna rip my skin off
- I started carrying a little piece of sandpaper in my pockets again cause Iāve been getting really anxious doing things I havenāt done in a long time.
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