Something about...

Theres something about an old school laundromat. Just chilling with magazines and loosing quarters. Waiting on all the close to dry and reading magazines about things I never had an interest in. Seems crazy but I used to do this all the time as a kid. I may keep doing this instead of buying a washer and dryer set up. This is relaxing, even for being in the middle of austin.

The past is unsettling...

Wierd enough, I finally decided to break open my old hard drive and organize it. I was expecting to just sift through old pictures and videos, put them in the right spots, delete old stuff I'll never use and just all around clean. Then I found my old vlogs.

I sat down and watched all of my old vlogs. At first it was nice, it started before I moved to Austin. I was so happy and innocent. Over time I noticed I changed. I started to loose focus on things and people around me. I became so tunnel visioned. That was really hard to see.

I wanted to jump in and slap the me and the screen. Inside I was yelling, just listen! Everything is there! Your missing it! I don't know if many people get to watch themselves fall apart on screen but God damn.

I understand why people liked me. I had this false confidence that was hard to see through. I just couldn't see it because I was in the moment. I think a large part of that was I was sort of pushed into living a certain way that I wasn't comfortable with. The idea of business and be your own boss was more forced down my throat as the only way to survive.

I know now that's not true. I've learned so much now that I really wish I would have known then. Maybe austin wouldn't have been such a hard experience for me.

The old me before austin I wasn't a fan of. I never dated, I never let my emotions show and damn sure never let my walls down. But atleast I was happy.

I blamed most of my failures in Austin on letting myself become vulnerable. Letting myself get hurt and how random it all was. But looking back, it was random. There was so many red flags I just over looked. I ignored my best friends because I was so focused on shit that didn't matter.

The person I am today is nothing like that. I learned money holds no value but the experiences and people around me, that makes the day better. I don't talk as much because I'd rather listen because everyone deserves the time.

I still lead my groups but I lead from the back, with care. Today, i was really disappointed with what I saw. I'm thankful with who I am now and who I've become because the person I was is not someone I would want to be around.

I knew I'd eventually look back and see things differently. That's why I never deleted this or the YouTube videos. I just didn't realize how bad off I was. I understand why I lost everything and honestly kind of feel like it was deserved.

But new chapter, new life. Don't look at life like a chessboard or puzzle because that takes all the excitement away from the little things.

I have been getting rid of all the drama in my life. I've unfollowed and unfriended a ton of people because that's not who I want to be like or even be around. The next few years will be about the experience. Mouth closed, eyes and ears open. Money is not even a thought.

Turns out I was the snail lol. I was supposed to be smarter than that. Smh, oh well. Trip and fall, live and learn.

Pieces

It's taken a while for me to get all my puzzle pieces to fit together. After being trapped in a toxic relationship, my escape, the hurricane. Seemed like life just wanted me to fail for a while. I knew that couldn't be the case though. I don't believe in fate or things like that. That's the part of me I'm glad is gone though I sometimes miss. But I got the phone call I've almost waited a year for. I know what I want out of life. I need adventure, need to explore. I decided not to find myself in a relationship, those tend to be more harm then good. I decided to find myself with the world. So all the pieces towards my career and myself are slowing falling into place. The call I got just helped put everything into stone. I will be traveling north America full time by middle of next year. The time until then I'm setting up the van and path to make it sustainable. I finally get to see the world and show people how I see things. That's the whole reason I got into film in the first place. From fashion in the big cities to camping in the mountains, I get to see and film it all. In a way, it's kind of nice to finally leave Texas and all of the memories behind. I'm so excited to start a whole new life and find myself. Who knew I was into fashion, who knew I was into portrait photography, who knew that I was able to go to any city and see it in a way most can't. I didn't. I'm so happy to move on to the next stage, I've been planning it for a while.

The mid life crisis scenario

I think my mom is going through another mid life crises. I'm not sure if I should help, watch or run... also, if you keep up with current trends, do you technically have a midlife crises? I mean, nothing really changes for you right? Maybe I'm going through it and don't even know... man this is a hell of a rabbit hole. On the flipside, I found out someone has been watching me. Apparently my dad has been keeping tabs on me. I always said I'd never give him another chance but eh, you live and you learn. People change. Hell, I'm not the same guy I used to be. Makes me wonder if this is a stage or if he's really trying to work his way back in. This also sparked the midlife crisis idea. Probably just a phase. My family has this tradition of disappearing on each other. It's unusual for them to reach back out. I guess time will tell on that one. I've been playing on twitch recently to, it's more just to chill with old friends than anything. I have no ambition to go big like I used to. I just like entertaining. Not having a schedule, playing and quoting when I want. It's nice. Kind of wish I did that back then instead of skipping IHOP. Priorities were wrong. Live and learn. But I am laughing at the fact that I came back for fun and a sub button. Irony. Lastly, my fur-child is almost a year old already. That's insane! In going to spoil the hell out of that dog. I didn't understand holidays back in the day, but now, that dog hasn't skipped a holiday yet lol. I like where life is. It's funny, it's ironic, a bit hectic but it's fun. Haven't really had a dull day yet. Now I have to convince myself to sell the fiat. That shit is not me. I'm the only cajun I know with a "luxury" smart car 😂

Business and children

This is like the 4th day in a row I got railed for not having a family. I actually had to explain to them that in the future that's fine but Texas is not where I want to stay. I'm wanting to travel to see my options. Honestly, up north seems to fit my style the most. This has been my plan for a while. I love the grind but I'm not so sure I want to go the entrepreneur route. I do like freelance. It's alot of hours but I get to work alone and not have to worry about other people and their pay role. My goal was never to be a giant success. Just successful enough to travel when and where I want to. So far my camera has allowed me to take that. But there's no way I can afford kids. And since 99 % of my past relationships revolves around money and success. I don't want the burden of failing and disappointing again. This is my problem with texas, atleast where I'm from. I'm wanting to do things a little different. It's going to keep me from buying a house and 30 acres for a while. But to me, the adventure is worth more than rushing to the end goal. I think today that may have sunk in with them. Hell, I raised myself. Family wasn't there before this. Maybe they'd understand where I'm coming from if they'd have been around. I don't know, I'm just tired of being told I should have settled down by now. I'm on my own pursuit of happiness. That's been my theme song for a while lol. Maybe the family will calm down once in gone. Focus a little less on me being a dad and more on each other. I got a dog. Works for me 😍

The baby effect.

So my whole family keeps saying I'm next to settle down and have kids. I'm trying to pass the buck to another sibling. It's between me and another now. I'm getting my fresh start I've been working towards. Hell or high water won't stop me. March I leave for the world. Until then I'm just doing my own thing. I'll settle down, but first there's too much to see or do. Remember the Tibetan monks... I've worked my ass off my whole life. It's time to play. Why not? No more walls, no more fear, no more shitty memories and failed friendships. Roll the dice! I'm fine with going at it alone 😄 Don't see this next year and still be in texas kody...

Black sheep, white lies, golden gates and fun times

Crush a bit, little bit, roll it up, take a hit Feeling lit, feeling right, 2 AM, summer night I don't care, hand on the wheel Driving drunk, I'm doing my thing Rolling in the Midwest side and out Living my life, getting out dreams People told me slow my roll, I'm screaming out "Fuck that" I'mma do just what I want, looking ahead, no turning back If I fall, if I die, know I lived it to the fullest If I fall, if I die, know I lived and missed some bullets

Today was different.

It's been a long time since i've used this as a journal. I really forgot about this. I started streaming again but for fun. I happen to have a few hours free everyday and I game then anyways so why not reconnect with old friends. Today was day 2 and I should have expected this question to come out eventually. "Where have you been?" It was nice to hear. I've been flying solo for about 6 months. Moved with family and started doing fashion and photography. Sounds wierd but I'm pretty on point with style when I want to be. But my focus has been on my family since I moved down here. Haven't really given much thought to anything else. After the austin stage of my life, I'm only more driven to travel and see the world. Which means I'll be alone and solo for a few years. I'm cool with that. I feel like the experiences will out way anything I've endured. After explaining why I suddenly without warning left twitch and the story up until now, I didn't realize how much ive grown. I used to think of life like a chessboard. Now I'd rather just sit back and watch others play chess and I'll head to the back where people aren't competing with each other but chillin. I'm really happy that I've pretty much set aside all dreams of going big in and way and settled with simply, I want to see the world some how. Ever since I changed my focus I've been the happiest person in the world. I simply want to travel and vlog. I don't even care about making it big, I just want to make little films because I enjoy it. I've noticed that I enjoy the hell out of things I used to stay away from. I think it's because I was always competitive. I'm still that way but winning isn't the end goal. For instance, I used to hate Mario cart. I think it was because I was competitive but couldn't wrap my head around the mechanics. But now, that's my chill game. I walk around and play it on the switch just to relax. All of this boils down to, I've learned how to allow myself to have fun. I never gave myself that luxury. I don't know why, maybe it's because it was something I was afraid of. Hell, I've been playing through games and collecting things. Which is something I've never done. Like, when the fuck did I become a completionist lol. I never thought of any of this until today. It's nice. I found out how to be Zen. Hard to say that and not think of overwatch. I may only write like once a year, but it seems that it takes a hell of a trigger to make me remember I have this. Let's see what the next trigger is lol

Burned the scraps.

Tonight I made a fire. I burned all of my notebooks. If you know me you know how many that is, it was a big fire... I did this because I'm learning I'm not at all who I used to be. The things I used to like hold no weight with me any more. Poetry, writing, business plans, future plans. This is just a part of me burning away this mask I've hid behind for years. For the first time in my life, I'm happy in my own skin. The world may fall apart around me, but I'm happy because it doesn't have to make sense anymore. I make sense to myself. That's something I was never able to figure out. This fire is nice. I'll add this to the list of things I enjoy.

Today is a day I've been dreading for a while. Our family pup Roxy is being put down today. She's had cancer and lost sight and hearing. She's been with us for 14 years. We have a funeral and everything already set up. We really do see her as a family member so we're doing as much as we can to celebrate her the same way. Rest in peace baby girl. I'll never forget you. 😢 #MansBestFriend

8

I've been listening to the new incubus CD and I have to say. I feel like Brandon Boyd sat in the back of my car and went, "damn, this guys life needs a soundtrack..."

A mother fucking pie...

So I went to see my grandparents today st the hospital. When I came back from Iraq during leave (short vacation) I spent time recovering and with my mom, step dad and sisters. My grandparent asked me to come for Christmas that morning. I said no, I'm tired but you guys should swing by at some point. That was the past time we talk. They essentially exiled me. That's how my family works. Once you burn that bridge there's no coming back. Personally, I'm working on breaking that family tradition. Well after 8 years, they reach out. I show up and you know what the fuck they say. My aunt made me a pecan pie and I didn't show up to eat it. I actually laughed at this. They blamed the pecan pie 😂. Well, it was a long visit. My aunt's were there to. They asked all the normal questions I guess. Are you married, do you have kids, what do you do for a living. Once all that was done, they asked me to be part of the family again. They missed me. Honestly, I was hesitant but in the end I said yes. I got a warm fuzzy feeling on the inside because my heart grew three times that day. I never really had much of a family. Just me my sister's and mom and step dad. I've raised myself and taught myself everything because I never had a support system. That is normal for me. But now... I guess I have a real family now. So when I go to work and they ask me what I did on my day off, I guess I'll say, "I got a family and a mother fuckin pecan pie..." I guess not all bad guys stay villains. Lesson learned.

A long time ago, I was told I'm too prideful and need to learn to ask for help. Can't argue with that, that flaw was blatantly obvious. So the next year and a half I did. I pocketed my pride and never hesitated. I learned a different lesson than I thought I would though. See, for some reason people always come to me for advice. I've always been a leader of what ever group I'm in. It's really not even hard to start a new group. But I didn't ask for that. Normally when I ask for help it's an empty promise with no follow through. I learned not to rely on people but if they pull through than cool. Right now is a pretty rough time for me. A majority of it come from having two grandparents in the hospital with no news on how long they will last. One of them I idolized and looked up to. The other disowned me shortly after my father and decided to finally reach out. In their own way each is pretty painful. But the one I idolized asked me a pretty rough question that hit home. Probably the most real conversation I've ever had. He said, "kody, why haven't you settled down yet?" I laughed and said I tried that once or twice, I accidentally fucked it up. Then he looked at me and said, "why haven't you tried again?" I didn't think or hesitate nor did I realize how I really felt but I responded with, "I don't deserve it" then he asked why. I wasn't sure how exactly to answer that. I haven't really talked to anyone about this before. I'm usually the one giving advice and not asking for it. After a minute I said, "I did have the perfect life for a while but I was either to stupid too realize what I was doing wrong or too prideful too fix it. Honestly I'm not sure grandpa. All I know is now I have everything fixed and it doesn't really matter to me anymore." Get this, he laughed. "You know, your the smartest man I've ever met. What you figured out in your 20s I didn't learn until I was in my 50s. Find someone that will put your in your place. You're pride will kill you kody. You're a stubborn cajun like me. But even we have our limits." "I got 2 puppies, one is Abel and the other is Zoey Jane." He cut me off, "kody, your a damn dumb ass..." then we had an awkward hug because were men and that shits weird but hey. What I pulled from that conversation is I secretly hated myself and I felt like I destroyed myself in the past. I did thing's and handled things completely wrong. I never forgave myself for anything, instead I carried that weight and other people's as a way to atone. Because of that conversation I decided to let my enemies back in. The family that destroyed me as a kid in giving a second chance. It was really awkward at first getting to know everyone again, praying that I can hold up to the standards they set in their head of who I am now. If you know anything about me, letting my father's family back in is a huge thing for me. I have had this ridiculous standard for where I see myself in life and I've sacrificed and struggle to attain that. Not that long ago I finally got that life and the funny thing is, it really wasn't what I wanted. I have the financial backing to go anywhere and do anything I want now and I have enough to get another degree but I'm not sure what to pursue. I love solving puzzles so I'm leaning towards crime scenes or detective work but honestly I don't know. I'm an artist, that I've come to terms with. I speak through music and photography. I'm learning to show emotions again. That parts hard but it's a work in progress that I'm proud of. I'm content right now and eventually I'll figure out a next step. Maybe this whole family thing is another one of my stupid things, but I'm putting pride aside for this. I've never let people that hurt me back in before. It's scary really. I often think about what would happen if I randomly got a phone call from one of the 3 people that really did some damage to me. After all these years I'm still scared to see that because I really don't know what I would say or do. But I talked to my brother about this and he said give them a second chance, he wishes he did but he didn't and he lives with that. It would be crazy if everything worked out, if actually have a reason to celebrate holidays again lol. I'm so used to riding solo that a family seems out of the ordinary. I love that I can just brain dump on Tumblr lol. I grew up with my father telling me it was my fault he left and did what he did. I believed it to because I was just a kid. When he was in my life things were perfect. The tricky question is, do I let them in and chance things going south or stay distant and safe. The smart side says safe but my cajun is saying fuck it if it works gardes don and play on. And boy do I love being back with my cajun roots. I lost my accent after the army but it's slowly coming back. I'm probably gonna get my comics from my father if he still has them. Gambit was my childhood hero growing up, it would be nice to mount them in a frame on the wall. Gambit and Godzilla comics. God I'm such a closet nerd 😂. Ok I'm done, memoires from kody. Remember this feeling of being at a crossroad. I have a feeling this isn't the last time you'll have to make a decision like this. C'est tout

Scariest shit I've ever seen on my computer...

Center Zen (a time capsel rant for next year)

(Heads up, this is just a brain dump so it will randomly turn into different topics because your baby sitting a 3 and 6 year old and their ass holes...) Man, so much has changed. I've mentally hit a point where depression is hard to reach. The anger I felt before seems like a fleeting memory. The dreams I had held so close seem so minor and meaningless. The things I wanted to achieve don't seem like achievements worth hunting. It's amazing how where I was and who I was with changed who I was. I've been able to grow into my own person over a good period of time and I'm really starting to enjoy who I've become. People have always listened to me, asked for advice, followed in my footsteps and looked up to me but I secretly never felt like I deserved it. I never wanted to seem like a father figure to anyone, I just didn't know how to communicate. Today those things still happen but I know how to lead, and it's not by being a leader but by being a friend, being a brother, an uncle. It's setting an example by showing. I get emotions, even though it took too long, I'm comfortable in my own skin. I even cuddle now and if you know me, that's a hard thing to believe. Even the person I hated most seems to be playing a part in my life today and I'm not handling it the way I thought I would. He was one of the 3 people and probably the worst of them that did some pretty harsh damage in my life. But I don't hate him. That surprises me so much because I feel like most of my life all I knew was hate and disappointment. Hell, I see my enemies doing well and somehow support them. I used to use this place to vent but I haven't needed to in so long I keep forgetting I have this outlet. I'm really writing this because I know in about a year I'll look back on this like I do my other post. I remember everything but my perception is not the same. I've been working so hard to achieve happiness. My little girl, my house, my puppy (which I have 2 now, Zoey jane and Abel) a stable career and those honestly feel more meaningful than any other dream or goal I've ever had. Those are easier to fight for. I'm not rich by any means but I'm also not done yet. I learned today that I can go to school again and get another degree. Right now I'm just giving it time until I figure out what I want to do. Oddly enough, coming back home to my cajun roots has unlocked more than the last 4 years have. The past thing on my mind is something someone told me, I think he read it on Facebook. The first love teaches how to love and heartbreak. Check. The second love is someone you believe to be perfect and teaches you what you want and what you get are not the same thing. Check. The third love is the one you marry. Close. There's a chance I may have met my 2nd player and I wasn't even looking. I really was focusing on me and the dog 😒 but she's not afraid of confrontation, not afraid to tell me when I'm wrong, stands up for herself, her morals are like mine, she wants a big dog (sounds dumb but it's a thing) doesn't let me win at video games, loves to play with cameras with me and go on hikes, motivates me when I'm down or lost and most importantly, she let's me be an animal. She loves my wolf. We're still just talking but if she tells me she likes Godzilla I'm trapping that ass. I just find it funny that when I gave up on finding someone I like or would even think about being with, some one shows up and knocks on my door. Which is pretty much what happened. So to future kody. Learn to trust, that still may need work. If you said yes, got with her and kept her, move her in and upgrade the cuddle package. Accept that she may disappear randomly but that's a chance you have to take or you will die alone. Be her best friend over anything. Never go to sleep mad and it's ok to say I love you a lot. You do it to you puppies you damn dummy. Remember your center Zen you found at home and keep writing. Your really not good at all the things you try to do but you can write. Always be positive, you've been through worse with people and places. Your doing well. Oh yeah, one last thing, if you don't end up with that girl, please for the love of god don't date white girls anymore... stay swirl.

This is what I wake up to every day. He's too much 😏 #puppy #bordercollie #cute #bmt

Cutting the last string

I'm on my way to austin right now. Since may 28th of last year, my whole world flipped upside and has been an impossible ride to control. Its funny because i named that day "the perfect storm" Thankfully I've moved back home to be with family and get back the old happy me. It's working. My career as an entertainer and voice actor is slowly coming together and taking off. I have a puppy who is basically my whole world. Today I'm heading back to austin to pick up the last of my things. After this I don't plan on coming back. I can't think of a single reason why I would. Things have been crazy and hard but still they are moving up and forward and not backwards. This is a big day for me. This is my closure that I never got. See y'all on the radio 😉