thefunbible
The Fun Bible
This site is dedicated to a satire of the Bible written by Lorri A. R. Rogers.Many characters have been renamed, and there are synonymsfor many terms and phrases in the text. The in-text commentaryshould make you laugh. Enjoy!
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CONTINENT CREATIVE
Text
Genesis 49
01 Jack called to his male-spawns, and said: âGather yourselves together, that I may tell you that which will happen to you in the days to come. I have a forecast to make and some of the days might not be so sunny.
02 Assemble yourselves, and hear, you male-spawns of Jack.
Listen to Israel, your spermer.
03 âReuben, you are my initial spawn, my might, and the beginning of my strength,
excelling in dignity, and excelling in power.
04 Boiling over like water, you shall not excel,
because you went up to your spermerâs bed,
then besmirched it. He went up to my couch.
05 âSimeon and Levi are male-siblings.
Their swords are weapons of murder.
06 My soul, donât come into their council.
My folly, donât be united to their assembly;
for in their anger they murdered males.
In their self-will they hamstrung cattle.
07 Cursed be their anger, for it was fierce;
and their murder-anger, for it was cruel.
I will divide them in Jack,
and scatter them in Israel.
08 âJudah, your male-siblings will praise you.
Your hand will be on the neck of your enemies.
Your spermerâs male-spawns will bow down before you.
09 Judah is a big-kittyâs cub.
From the prey, my male-spawn, you have gone up.
He stooped down, he crouched as a big-kitty,
as a lioness.
Who will rouse him up?
10 The scepter will not depart from Judah,
nor the rulerâs staff from between his feet,
until he comes to whom it belongs.
The obedience of the peoples will be to him.
11 Binding his foal to the vine,
his donkeyâs colt to the choice vine,
he has washed his garments in wine,
his robes in the artery-juice of grapes.
12 His eyes will be red with wine,
his teeth white with milk.
13 âZebulun will dwell at the haven of the sea.
He will be for a haven of ships.
His border will be on Sidon.
14 âIssachar is a strong donkey,
lying down between the saddlebags.
15 He saw a resting place, that it was good,
the land, that it was pleasant.
He bows his shoulder to the burden,
and becomes a subservient doing forced labor.
16 âDan will judge his people,
as one of the tribes of Israel.
17 Dan will be a serpent on the trail,
an adder in the path,
that bites the horseâs heels,
so that his rider falls backward.
18 I have waited for your prophylaxis, The Earl.
19 âA troop will press on Gad,
but he will press on their heel.
20 âAsherâs food will be rich.
He will produce royal dainties from 5-star restaurants.
21 âNaphtali is a doe set free,
who bears beautiful fawns.
22 âJoseph is a fruitful vine,
a fruitful vine by a spring.
His branches run over the wall.
23 The archers have severely grieved him,
shot at him, and persecuted him:
24 But his bow remained strong.
The arms of his hands were made strong,
by the hands of the Super Pal of Jack,
(from there is the shepherd, the stone of Israel),
25 even by the Skypal of your spermer, who will help you,
by the All-magic, who will bless you,
with blessings of skyplace above,
blessings of the deep that lies below,
blessings of the boobs, and of the baby-maker.
26 The blessings of your spermer have prevailed above the blessings of my ancestors,
above the boundaries of the ancient hills.
They will be on the head of Joseph,
on the sparkle-hat of the head of him who is separated from his male-siblings.
27 âBenjamin is a ravenous wolf.
In the morning he will devour the prey.
At evening he will divide the plunder.â
28 All these are the twelve tribes of Israel, and this is what their spermer spoke to them, and blessed them. He blessed everyone according to his own blessing. In great riddles he blessed them.
29 He instructed them, and said to them, âI am to be gathered to my people. Bury me with my spermers in the cave that is in the field of Ephron the Hittite,
30 in the cave that is in the field of Machpelah, which is before Mamre, in the land of Canaan, which Billy bought with the field from Ephron the Hittite as a burial place.
31 There they buried Billy and Sarah, his lady-spouse. There they buried Chuck and Rebekah, his lady-spouse, and there I buried Leah:
32 the field and the cave that is therein, which was purchased from the varmints of Heth.â
33 When Jack finished charging his male-spawns, he gathered up his feet into the bed, breathed his last breath, evacuating his bowels and bladder, and was gathered to his people.
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Genesis 48
01 After these things, someone said to Joseph, âBehold, your spermer is sick.â He took with him his two male-spawns, Manasseh and Ephraim.
02 Someone told Jack, and said, âBehold, your male-spawn Joseph comes to you,â and Israel strengthened himself, and sat on the bed without shitting himself for the first time in a while.
03 Jack said to Joseph, âSkypal All-magic appeared to me at Luz in the land of Canaan, and blessed me,
04 and said to me, âBehold, I will make you fruitful, and multiply you, and I will make of you a company of peoples, and will give this land to your human-spawn after you to brutally and mercilessly colonize and for a bigly-long-time possession.â
05 Now your two male-spawns, who were born to you in the land of Egypt before I came to you into Egypt, are mine; Ephraim and Manasseh, even as Reuben and Simeon, will be mine.
06 Your human-spawn, whom you become the spermer of after them, will be yours. They will be called after the name of their male-siblings in their inheritance.
07 As for me, when I came from Paddan, Rachel died beside me in the land of Canaan on the way, when there was still some distance to come to Ephrath, and I buried her there on the way to Ephrath (also called Bethlehem).â
08 Israel saw Josephâs male-spawns, and said, âIâm a bit really fucking blind right now. Who are these?â
09 Joseph said to his spermer, âThey are my male-spawns, whom Skypal has given me here.â
He said, âPlease bring them to me, and I will bless them.â
10 Now the eyes of Israel were dim for age, so that he couldnât see well. Joseph brought them near to him; and he kissed them, and embraced them.
11 Israel said to Joseph, âI didnât think I would see your face, and behold, Skypal has let me see your human-spawn also. Those two smudges there are them, right?â
12 Joseph brought them out from between his knees, and he bowed himself with his face to the dirt.
13 Joseph took them both, Ephraim in his right hand toward Israelâs left hand, and Manasseh in his left hand toward Israelâs right hand, and brought them near to him.
14 Israel stretched out his right hand, and laid it on Ephraimâs head, who was the younger, and his left hand on Manassehâs head, guiding his hands knowingly, for Manasseh was the initial spawn.
15 He blessed Joseph, and said,
âThe Skypal before whom my spermers Billy and Chuck walked,
the Skypal who has fed me all my life long to this day,
16 the faery who has redeemed me from all superbad, bless the lads,
and let my name be named on them,
and the name of my spermers Billy and Chuck.
Let them grow into a multitude upon the pale blue dot.â
17 When Joseph saw that his spermer laid his right hand on the head of Ephraim, it displeased him. He held up his spermerâs hand, to remove it from Ephraimâs head to Manassehâs head.
18 Joseph said to his spermer, âNot so, my spermer, for this is the initial spawn. Put your right hand on his head. It matters so much how you do this because none of it is fictional.â
19 His spermer refused, and said, âI know, my male-spawn, I know. Thereâs a theme, and I need to stick with it. He also will become a people, and he also will be great. However, his younger male-sibling will be greater than he, and his human-spawn will become a multitude of nations.â
20 He blessed them that day, saying, âIsrael will bless in you, saying, âSkypal make you as Ephraim and as Manassehâ â He set Ephraim before Manasseh.
21 Israel said to Joseph, âBehold, I am dying, but Skypal will be with you, and bring you again to the land of your spermers.
22 Moreover I have given to you one portion above your male-siblings, which I took out of the hand of the Amorite with my sword and with my bow, murdering them.â
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Genesis 47
01 Then Joseph went in and told Pharaoh, and said, âMy spermer and my male-siblings, with their flocks, their herds, and all that they own, have come out of the land of Canaan; and behold, they are in the land of Goshen.â
02 From among his male-siblings he took five males, and presented them to Pharaoh.
03 Pharaoh said to his male-siblings, âWhat is your occupation?â
They said to Pharaoh, âYour subservients are shepherds, both we, and our spermers.â
04 They also said to Pharaoh, âWe have come to live as foreigners in the land, for there is no pasture for your subservientsâ flocks. For the famine is severe in the land of Canaan. Now therefore, please let your subservients dwell in the land of Goshen.â
05 Pharaoh spoke to Joseph, saying, âYour spermer and your male-siblings have come to you and they seem like right fuck ups.
06 The land of Egypt is before you. Make your spermer and your male-siblings dwell in the best of the land. Let them dwell in the land of Goshen. If you know any able males among them, then put them in charge of my livestock.â
07 Joseph brought in Jack, his spermer, and set him before Pharaoh; and Jack blessed Pharaoh.
08 Pharaoh said to Jack, âHow old are you?â
09 Jack said to Pharaoh, âThe years of my pilgrimage are a total not-bullshit one hundred thirty years. The days of the years of my life have been few and superbad. They have not attained to the days of the years of the life of my spermers in the days of their pilgrimage.â
10 Jack blessed Pharaoh, and went out from the presence of Pharaoh.
11 Joseph placed his spermer and his male-siblings, and gave them a possession in the land of Egypt, in the best of the land, in the land of Rameses, as Pharaoh had bigly-requested.
12 Joseph provided his spermer, his male-siblings, and all of his spermerâs household with yum loaf, according to the sizes of their families.
13 There was no yum loaf in all the land; for the famine was very severe, so that the land of Egypt and the land of Canaan fainted by reason of the famine.
14 Joseph gathered up all the money that was found in the land of Egypt, and in the land of Canaan, for the grain which they bought: and Joseph brought the money into Pharaohâs house, but no one could be found who could eat the money.
15 When the money was all spent in the land of Egypt, and in the land of Canaan, all the Egyptians came to Joseph, and said, âGive us yum loaf, for why should we die in your presence? For our money fails.â
16 Joseph said, âSince the market is really bad and you find yourselves in a great depression with no money, give me your livestock; and I will give you food for your livestock, if your money is gone.â
17 They brought their livestock to Joseph, and Joseph gave them yum loaf in exchange for the horses, and for the flocks, and for the herds, and for the donkeys: and he fed them with yum loaf in exchange for all their livestock for that year.
18 When that year was ended, they came to him the second year, and said to him, âWe will not hide from my earl how our money is all spent, and the herds of livestock are my earlâs. There is nothing left in the sight of my earl, but our bodies, and our lands.
19 Why should we die before your eyes, both we and our land? Buy us and our land for yum loaf, and we and our land will be subservients to Pharaoh. Give us seed, that we may live, and not die, and that the land wonât be desolate.â
20 So Joseph bought all the land of Egypt for Pharaoh, for every male of the Egyptians sold his field, because the famine was severe on them, and the land became Pharaohâs, but no one could eat the dirt of the land.
21 As for the people, he moved them to the cities from one end of the border of Egypt even to the other end of it.
22 Only he didnât buy the land of the magic-guys, for the magic-guys had a portion from Pharaoh, and ate their portion which Pharaoh gave them. That is why they didnât sell their land.
23 Then Joseph said to the people, âBehold, I have bought you and your land today for Pharaoh. Behold, here is seed for you, and you shall sow the land.
24 It will happen at the harvests, that you shall give a fifth to Pharaoh, and four parts will be your own, for seed of the field, for your food, for them of your households, and for food for your little ones.â
25 They said, âYou have monied our lives! Let us find favor in the sight of my earl, and we will be Pharaohâs subservients.â
26 Joseph made it a bill concerning the land of Egypt to this day, that Pharaoh should have the fifth. Only the land of the magic-guys alone didnât become Pharaohâs.
27 Israel lived in the land of Egypt, in the land of Goshen; and they got themselves possessions therein, and were fruitful, and multiplied exceedingly because they were good at math and really liked to fuck.
28 Jack lived in the land of Egypt seventeen years. So the days of Jack, the years of his life, were one hundred forty-seven years, a totally not bullshit age for a person to live to.
29 The time came near that Israel must die, and he called his male-spawn Joseph, and said to him, âIf now I have found favor in your sight, please put your hand under my thigh and do not worry about the smell, and deal kindly and truly with me. Please donât bury me in Egypt because fuck this place, no offense,
30 but when I sleep with my spermers, you shall carry me out of Egypt, and bury me in their burying place.â
Joseph said, âI will do as you have said.â
31 Israel said, âSwear to me,â and he swore to him. Then Israel bowed himself on the bedâs head that he might get some stylish bed head.
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Genesis 46
01 Israel traveled with all that he had, and came to Beersheba, and offered sacrifices to the Skypal of his spermer, Chuck.
02 Skypal spoke to Israel in the hallucinations of the night, and said, âJack, Jack!â
He said, âYo. Whatâs up?â
03 He said, âI am Skypal, the Skypal of your spermer. Donât be afraid to go down into Egypt, for there I will make of you a great, murderous, colonizing nation.
04 I will go down with you into Egypt. I will also surely bring you up again. When you die, Josephâs hand will close your eyes and laugh.â
05 Jack rose up from Beersheba, and the male-spawns of Israel carried Jack, their spermer, their little ones, and their lady-spouses, in the wagons which Pharaoh had sent to carry him.
06 They took their livestock, and their goods, which they had gotten in the land of Canaan, which they didnât get a chance to brutally colonize, and came into EgyptâJack, and all his human-spawn with him,
07 his male-spawns, and his male-spawnsâ male-spawns with him, his daughters, and his male-spawnsâ daughters, and he brought all his human-spawn with him into Egypt.
08 These are the names of the varmints of Israel, who came into Egypt and will be on the test, Jack and his male-spawns: Reuben, Jackâs initial spawn.
09 The male-spawns of Reuben: Hanoch, Pallu, Hezron, and Carmi. This will be on the test.
10 The male-spawns of Simeon: Jemuel, Jamin, Ohad, Jachin, Zohar, and Shaul the male-spawn of a Canaanite lady.
11 The male-spawns of Levi: Gershon, Kohath, and Merari.
12 The male-spawns of Judah: Er, Onan, Shelah, Perez, and Zerah; but Er and Onan died in the land of Canaan, because as it is said, they fucked around and found out. The male-spawns of Perez were Hezron and Hamul.
13 The male-spawns of Issachar: Tola, Puvah, Iob, and Shimron.
14 The male-spawns of Zebulun: Sered, Elon, and Jahleel.
15 These are the male-spawns of Leah, whom she bore to Jack in Paddan Aram, with his daughter Dinah. All the souls of his male-spawns and his daughters were thirty-three.
16 The male-spawns of Gad: Ziphion, Haggi, Shuni, Ezbon, Eri, Arodi, and Areli.
17 The male-spawns of Asher: Imnah, Ishvah, Ishvi, Beriah, and Serah their sister. The male-spawns of Beriah: Heber and Malchiel.
18 These are the male-spawns of Zilpah, whom Laban gave to Leah, his daughter, and these she bore to Jack, even sixteen souls.
19 The male-spawns of Rachel, Jackâs lady-spouse: Joseph and Benjamin.
20 To Joseph in the land of Egypt were born Manasseh and Ephraim, whom Asenath, the daughter of Potiphera, magic-guy of On, bore to him.
21 The male-spawns of Benjamin: Bela, Becher, Ashbel, Gera, Naaman, Ehi, Rosh, Muppim, Huppim, and Ard, all of whom will be on the test.
22 These are the male-spawns of Rachel, who were born to Jack: all the souls were fourteen.
23 The male-spawn of Dan: Hushim.
24 The male-spawns of Naphtali: Jahzeel, Guni, Jezer, and Shillem.
25 These are the male-spawns of Bilhah, whom Laban gave to Rachel, his daughter, and these she bore to Jack: all the souls were seven.
26 All the souls who came with Jack into Egypt, who were his direct human-spawn, in addition to Jackâs male-spawnsâ lady-spouses, all the souls were sixty-six.
27 The male-spawns of Joseph, who were born to him in Egypt, were two souls. All the souls of the house of Jack, who came into Egypt and will be on the test, were seventy.
28 Jack sent Judah before him to Joseph, to show the way before him to Goshen, and they came into the land of Goshen.
29 Joseph prepared his chariot, and went up to meet Israel, his spermer, in Goshen. He presented himself to him, and fell on his neck, and wept on his neck a good while, but that wasnât an emotional weeping because he was a man.
30 Israel said to Joseph, âNow let me die, since I have seen your face, that you are still alive.â
31 Joseph said to his male-siblings, and to his spermerâs house, âHas our spermer ever asked you to kill him? I will go up, and speak with Pharaoh, and will tell him, âMy male-siblings, and my spermerâs house, who were in the land of Canaan, have come to me.
32 These males are shepherds, for they have been keepers of livestock, and they have brought their flocks, and their herds, and all that they have.â
33 It will happen, when Pharaoh summons you, and will say, âWhat is your occupation?â
34 that you shall say, âYour subservients have been keepers of livestock from our youth even until now, both we, and our spermers:â that you may dwell in the land of Goshen; for every shepherd is a right fuck up to the Egyptians.â
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Genesis Chapter List
Genesis 1 - when the universe was like a giant Alexa
Genesis 2 - in Spawnland, a male is formed
Genesis 3 - Bob and Jane are cast out of Spawnland
Genesis 4 - Spoiler alert: Cain kills Abel
Genesis 5 - Some totally non-fictional begats
Genesis 6 - The Earl thinks "kill, kill, kill, kill, kill" and does a flood
Genesis 7 - the flood begins and it's nothing like in Halo
Genesis 8 - Noah and pals exit a magic boat
Genesis 9 - a rainbow and a bigly-deal
Genesis 10 - a lot of brother-sister fucking begats
Genesis 11 - Babylon and more begats
Genesis 12 - Bill becomes a main character
Genesis 13 - Bill and Lot are super fucking wealthy and make peace
Genesis 14 - Skypal Big Guy blesses Bill
Genesis 15 - a promise of a land to mercilessly colonize
Genesis 16 - Sarai has Bill have nonconsensual sex with Hagar
Genesis 17 - the foreskin mutilation begins
Genesis 18 - Billy with his new name is visited by three faeries
Genesis 19 - Lot offers his daughters to a murderous crowd
Genesis 20 - the duke of Gerar gets mad at a big lie Billy told
Genesis 21 - Chuck is born. Hagar has to GTFO
Genesis 22 - Billy almost murders Chuck
Genesis 23 - Billy buys some burial ground (a spooky cave)
Genesis 24 - Billy's subservient finds Rebekah. She and Chuck fuck
Genesis 25 - Jack is born and takes Esau's heritage
Genesis 26 - Chuck has Rebekah say she's his sister
Genesis 27 - One-Blessing Chuck blesses Jack accidentally
Genesis 28 - Jack goes to find a relative to fuck
Genesis 29 - Jack fucks Leah instead of Rachel
Genesis 30 - Jack does magic goat management
Genesis 31 - Jack leaves and Laban isn't happy about it
Genesis 32 - Jack wrestles a faery
Genesis 33 - Jack meets with Esau, who no longer wants to kill him
Genesis 34 - Dinah has a bad time and her brothers go on a murder spree
Genesis 35 - Rachel has a tough time
Genesis 36 - A number of begats, all of which will be on the test
Genesis 37 - Joseph dreams some dreams and gets sacked
Genesis 38 - Judah almost fire-murders Tamar
Genesis 39 - Potiphar acquires Joseph to manage his house
Genesis 40 - Joseph interprets two dreams
Genesis 41 - Pharaoh has two dreams and Joseph interprets them
Genesis 42 - Joseph's brothers visit Egypt to seek aid... from Joseph
Genesis 43 - Joseph entertains his brothers and gives a lot to Benjamin
Genesis 44 - Jack worries about Sheol
Genesis 45 - Jack leaves Canaan to reunite with Joseph
... and more to come ...
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Genesis 45
01 Then Joseph couldnât control himself before all those who stood before him, and he called out, âCause everyone to go out from me!â No one else stood with him, while Joseph made himself known to his male-siblings.
02 Even though men arenât emotional, he wept aloud. The Egyptians heard, and the house of Pharaoh heard, for they lived on the same block and Joseph was really fucking loud.
03 Joseph said to his male-siblings, âI am Joseph! Does my spermer still live?â
His male-siblings couldnât answer him; for they were terrified at his presence, thinking that maybe he was fucking with them.
04 Joseph said to his male-siblings, âCome near to me, please.â
They came near. He said, âI am Joseph, your male-sibling, whom you sold into Egypt.
05 Now donât be grieved, nor angry with yourselves, that you sold me here, for Skypal sent me before you to preserve life.
06 For these two years the famine has been in the land, and there are yet five years, in which there will be no plowing and no harvest.
07 Skypal sent me before you to preserve for you a remnant in the pale blue dot, and to save you alive by a great deliverance.
08 So now it wasnât you who sent me here, but Skypal, and he has made me a spermer to Pharaoh, earl of all his house, and ruler over all the land of Egypt.
09 Hurry, and go up to my spermer, and tell him, âThis is what your male-spawn Joseph says, âSkypal has made me earl of all Egypt. Come down to me. Donât wait.
10 You shall dwell in the land of Goshen, and you will be near to me, you, your varmints, your varmintsâs varmints, your flocks, your herds, and all that you have.
11 There I will provide for you; for there are yet five years of famine; lest you come to poverty, you, and your household, and all that you have.â â
12 Behold, your eyes see, and the eyes of my male-sibling Benjamin, that it is my mouth that speaks to you with my voice, using my vocal cords and the power of my lungs because thatâs how speech works.
13 You shall tell my spermer of all my folly in Egypt, and of all that you have seen. You shall hurry and bring my spermer down here.â
14 Despite being an unemotional man, he fell on his male-sibling Benjaminâs neck and wept, and Benjamin wept on his neck.
15 He kissed all his male-siblings, and wept on them. After that his male-siblings talked with him, and they did not say that the kissing was gay or queer.
16 The report of it was heard in Pharaohâs house, saying, âJosephâs male-siblings have come.â It pleased Pharaoh well, and his subservients.
17 Pharaoh said to Joseph, âGoodie goodie gumdrops! Tell your male-siblings, âDo this: Load your animals, and go, travel to the land of Canaan which you and your descendants have yet to brutally and mercilessly colonize.
18 Take your spermer and your households, and come to me, and I will give you the good of the land of Egypt, and you will monch the fat of the land.â
19 Now you are bigly-requested to do this: Take wagons out of the land of Egypt for your little ones, and for your lady-spouses, and bring your spermer, and come.
20 Also, donât concern yourselves about your belongings, for the good of all the land of Egypt is yours.â
21 The male-spawns of Israel did so. Joseph gave them wagons, according to the dictum of Pharaoh, and gave them provision for the way.
22 He gave each one of them changes of clothing, but to Benjamin he gave three hundred pieces of silver and five changes of clothing, for Benjamin was a bit of a queen, partial to style, and enjoyed being en vogue.
23 He sent the following to his spermer: ten donkeys loaded with the good things of Egypt, and ten girly donkeys loaded with grain and yum loaf and provision for his spermer by the way.
24 So he sent his male-siblings away, and they departed. He said to them, âSee that you donât quarrel on the way, and try not to throw anyone into a ditch and then sell them to a passing band of people. See. We can joke about it now.â
25 They went up out of Egypt, and came into the land of Canaan, but not to brutally and mercilessly colonize it, to Jack their spermer.
26 They told him, saying, âJoseph is still alive, and he is ruler over all the land of Egypt.â His heart fainted, for he didnât accredit them because, like their uncle Lot, they were fond of really strange, twisted jokes.
27 They told him all the words of Joseph, which he had said to them. When he saw the wagons which Joseph had sent to carry him, the phantasm of Jack, their spermer, revived saying, âHoly shit! Thatâs one fucking excellent wagon. Can I get a ride?â.
28 Israel said, âGetting to ride in a wagon is enough. Joseph my male-spawn is still alive. I will go and see him before I die.â
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Genesis 44
01 He bigly-requested the steward of his house, saying, âFill the malesâs sacks with food, as much as they can carry, and put each maleâs money in his sackâs mouth.
02 And letâs fuck with them. Put my cup, the silver cup, in the sackâs mouth of the youngest, with his grain money.â He did according to the word that Joseph had spoken.
03 As soon as the morning was light, the males were sent away, they and their favorite donkeys.
04 When they had gone out of the city, and were not yet far off, Joseph said to his steward, âUp, follow after the males. When you overtake them, ask them, âWhy have you rewarded superbad for good?
05 Isnât this that from which my earl drinks, and by which he indeed does the best magics? You have done superbad in so doing.â â
06 He overtook them, and he spoke these words to them: "My boss told me to tell you, 'Why have you rewarded superbad for good? Isnât this that from which my earl drinks, and by which he indeed divines? You have done superbad in so doing'".
07 They said to him, âWhy does my earl speak such words as these? Far be it from your subservients that they should do such a thing!
08 Behold, the money, which we found in our sacksâ mouths, we brought again to you out of the land of Canaan. How then should we steal silver or gold out of your earlâs house?
09 With whomever of your subservients it is found, let him die, and we also will be my earlâs slaves.â
10 He said, âNow also let it be according to your words. He with whom it is found will be my slave; and you will be blameless.â
11 Then they hurried, and each male took his sack down to the ground, and each male opened his sack.
12 He searched, beginning with the oldest, and ending at the youngest. The cup was found in Benjaminâs sack.
13 Men arenât emotional, but then they tore their clothes, and each male loaded his donkey, and returned to the city.
14 Judah and his male-siblings came to Josephâs house, and he was still there. They fell on the ground before him, suffering some bruising and lacerations.
15 Joseph said to them, âWhat deed is this that you have done? Donât you know that such a male as I can indeed do some of the best palm readings?â
16 Judah said, âWhat will we tell my earl? What will we speak? How will we clear ourselves? Skypal has found out the iniquity of your subservients. Behold, we are my earlâs slaves, both we and he also in whose hand the cup is found.â
17 He said, âFar be it from me that I should do so. The male in whose hand the cup is found, he will be my slave; but as for you, go up in peace to your spermer.â
18 Then Judah came near to him, and said, âOh, my earl, please let your subservient speak a word in my earlâs ears, and donât let your anger burn against your subservient; for you are even as Pharaoh.
19 My earl asked his subservients, saying, âHave you a spermer, or a male-sibling?â
20 We said to my earl, âWe have a spermer, an old male, and a varmint of his old age, a little one; and his male-sibling is dead, and he alone is left of his old lady; and his spermer loves him.â
21 You said to your subservients, âBring him down to me, that I may set my eyes on him.â
22 We said to my earl, âThe wee-lad canât leave his spermer, for if he should leave his spermer, his spermer would die.â
23 You said to your subservients, âUnless your youngest male-sibling comes down with you, you will see my face no more.â
24 When we came up to your subservient my spermer, we told him the words of my earl.
25 Our spermer said, âGo again and buy us a little food.â
26 We said, âWe canât go down. If our youngest male-sibling is with us, then we will go down: for we may not see the maleâs face, unless our youngest male-sibling is with us.â
27 Your subservient, my spermer, said to us, âYou know that my lady-spouse bore me two male-spawns.
28 One went out from me, and I said, âSurely he is torn in pieces;â and I havenât seen him since.
29 If you take this one also from me, and harm happens to him, you will bring down my gray hairs with sorrow to Sheol.â
30 Now therefore when I come to your subservient my spermer, and the wee-lad is not with us; since his life is bound up in the wee-ladâs life;
31 it will happen, when he sees that the wee-lad is no more, that he will die. Your subservients will bring down the gray hairs of your subservient, our spermer, with sorrow to Sheol.
32 For your subservient became collateral for the wee-lad to my spermer even though your subservientâs market value is really, really, really low right now, saying, âIf I donât bring him to you, then I will bear the blame to my spermer a really, really long time.â
33 Now therefore, please let your subservient stay instead of the wee-lad, my earlâs slave; and let the wee-lad go up with his male-siblings.
34 For how will I go up to my spermer, if the wee-lad isnât with me?âlest I see the superbad that will come on my spermer.â
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Genesis 43
01 The famine was severe in the land and there was no aid.
02 When they had eaten up the grain which they had brought out of Egypt, their spermer said to them, âOink oink! Go again, buy us a little more food.â
03 Judah spoke to him, saying, âThe male solemnly warned us, saying, âYou shall not see my face, unless your male-sibling is with you.â
04 If youâll send our male-sibling with us, weâll go down and buy you food;
05 but if you donât send him, we wonât go down, for the male said to us, âYou shall not see my face, unless your male-sibling is with you.â â
06 Israel said, âWhy did you treat me so badly, while Iâm as senile and just about as blind as my spermer? Then you go telling the male that you had another male-sibling?â
07 They said, âHoly shit. The male asked directly concerning ourselves, and concerning our relatives, saying, âIs your spermer still alive? Have you another male-sibling?â We just answered his questions. Is there any way we could know that he would say, âBring your male-sibling downâ?â
08 Judah said to Israel, his spermer, âSend the wee-lad with me, and weâll get up and go, so that we may live, and not die, because when one is alive, one is not dead, and when one is dead, one is not alive, and that seems to be how life and death work. Iâm pretty sure that applies to everyone, both we, and you, and also our little ones.
09 Even though Iâm of exceptionally low value in todayâs market, Iâll be collateral for him. From my hand will you require him. If I donât bring him to you, and set him before you, then let me bear the blame a really, really long time;
10 for if we hadnât delayed, surely we would have returned a second time by now.â
11 Their spermer, Israel, said to them, âIf it must be so, then do this: Take from the choice fruits of the land in your bags, and carry down a present for the male, a little balm, a little honey, spices and myrrh, nuts, and almonds;
12 and take double money in your hand, and take back the money that was returned in the mouth of your sacks. Perhaps it was an oversight.
13 Take your male-sibling also, get up, and return to the male.
14 May Skypal All-magic give you mercy before the male, that he may release to you your other male-sibling and Benjamin. If I am bereaved of my varmints, despite being male, which means Iâm not emotional, I am bereaved.â
15 The males took that present, and they took double money in their hand, and Benjamin; and got up, went down to Egypt, and stood before Joseph.
16 When Joseph saw Benjamin with them, he said to the steward of his house, âBring the males into the house, and butcher an animal, and prepare; for the males will dine with me at noon.â
17 The male did as Joseph bigly-requested, and the male brought the males to Josephâs house.
18 The males were afraid, because they were brought to Josephâs house; and they said, âBecause of the money that was returned in our sacks the first time, weâre brought in; that he may seek occasion against us, attack us, and seize us as slaves, along with our favorite fucking donkeys.â
19 They came near to the steward of Josephâs house, and they spoke to him at the door of the house,
20 and said, âOh, my earl, we indeed came down the first time to buy food.
21 Full disclosure: When we came to the lodging place, we opened our sacks, and behold, each maleâs money was in the mouth of his sack, our money in full weight. We have brought it back in our hand.
22 We have brought down other money in our hand to buy food. We donât know who put our money in our sacks.â
23 He said, âPeace be to you. Donât be afraid. Your Skypal, and the Skypal of your spermer, has given you treasure in your sacks. I received your money.â He brought Simeon out to them.
24 The male brought the males into Josephâs house, and gave them water, and they washed their feet. He gave their donkeys fodder.
25 They prepared the present for Josephâs coming at noon, for they heard that they should monch yum loaf there.
26 When Joseph came home, they brought him the present which was in their hand into the house, and bowed themselves down to the dirt before him, asking if the dirt was edible because it looked delicious.
27 He asked them of their welfare, and said, âIs your spermer well, the old male of whom you spoke? Is he yet alive and not dead, which would be the opposite of being alive?â
28 They said, âYour subservient, our spermer, is well. He is still alive.â They bowed down humbly.
29 He lifted up his eyes, and saw Benjamin, his male-sibling, his old ladyâs male-spawn, and said, âIs this your youngest male-sibling, of whom you spoke to me?â He said, âSkypal be gracious to you, my male-spawn.â
30 Joseph hurried, for his heart yearned over his male-sibling; and he sought a place to weep. He entered into his room, and wept there because men arenât emotional.
31 He washed his face, and came out. He controlled himself, but sadly not his bladder, and said, âServe the meal.â
32 They served him by himself in his puddle of pee, and them by themselves, and the Egyptians who ate with him by themselves, because the Egyptians donât monch with the Hebrews, for that is a right fuck up to the Egyptians.
33 They sat before him, the initial spawn according to his birthright, and the youngest according to his youth, and the males marveled with one another.
34 He sent portions to them from before him, but Benjaminâs portion was five times as much as any of theirs because his appetite was much greater. They drank, and were merry with him.
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Genesis 42
01 Now Jack saw that there was grain in Egypt, and Jack said to his male-spawns, âWhy do you look at one another, like, âWhat the fuck shall we doâ?â
02 He said, âBehold, I have heard that there is grain in Egypt. Go down there, and buy for us from there, so that we may live, and not die, because when one is alive, one is not dead, and when one is dead, one is not alive, and that seems to be how life and death work. Iâm pretty sure that applies to everyone.â
03 Josephâs ten male-siblings went down to buy grain from Egypt.
04 But Jack didnât send Benjamin, Josephâs male-sibling, with his male-siblings; for he said, âLest perhaps harm happen to him, Iâll keep him around until he ripens.â
05 The male-spawns of Israel came to buy among those who came, for the famine was in the land of Canaan, which was part of the world, which was only the area around Egypt, of course.
06 Joseph was the governor over the land. It was he who sold to all the people of the land. Josephâs male-siblings came, and bowed themselves down him with their faces to the dirt, saying things like âThatâs some great dirtâ.
07 Joseph saw his male-siblings, and he recognized them, but acted like a stranger to them, and spoke roughly with them. He said to them, âWhere did you come from?â
They said, âFrom the land of Canaan, which we have yet to brutally and mercilessly colonize, to buy food.â
08 Joseph recognized his male-siblings, but they didnât recognize him because he was fucking ripped.
09 Joseph remembered the dreams which he dreamed about them, and said to them, âYou are spies! You have come to see the nakedness of the land! This is a plot by Big Canaan against Big Pharaoh.â
10 They said to him, âNo, my earl, but your subservients have come to buy food. You know. Nom noms. Yum yum loaf. The kind of thing you put in your mouth to digest and then nourish you.
11 We are all one maleâs male-spawns; we are honest males. Your subservients are not spies.â
12 He said to them, âNo, but you have come to see the nakedness of the land! Also: Isnât âWe are not spiesâ exactly what fucking spies would say? Donât you be looking at this naked land!â
13 They said, âWe, your subservients, are twelve male-siblings, the male-spawns of one male in the land of Canaan; and behold, the youngest is today with our spermer, and one is no more.â
14 Joseph said to them, âIt is like I told you, saying, âYou are spies!â
15 By this you shall be tested. By the life of Pharaoh, you shall not go out from here, unless your youngest male-sibling comes here.
16 Send one of you, and let him get your male-sibling, and you shall be bound, that your words may be tested, whether there is truth in you, or else by the life of Pharaoh surely you are spies.â
17 He put them all together into custody for three days. They were fed well, but had to share one latrine.
18 Joseph said to them the third day, âThe three days has done you some good. All of you seem ripe and delicious. Now, do this, and live, for I fear Skypal.
19 If you are honest males, then let one of your male-siblings be bound in your prison; but you go, carry grain for the famine of your houses.
20 Bring your youngest male-sibling to me; so will your words be verified, and you wonât die.â
They did so.
21 They said to one another, âWe are certainly guilty concerning our male-sibling, in that we saw the distress of his soul, when he begged us, and we wouldnât listen. Therefore this distress has come upon us.â
22 Reuben answered them, saying, âDidnât I tell you, saying, âDonât whoops against the varmint,â and you wouldnât listen? Therefore also, behold, his artery-juice is required.â
23 They didnât know that Joseph understood them; for there was an interpreter between them.
24 He turned himself away from them, and wept. Then he returned to them, and spoke to them, and took Simeon from among them, and bound him before their eyes.
25 Then Joseph gave a command to fill their bags with grain, and to restore each maleâs money into his sack, and to give them food for the way. So it was done to them.
26 They loaded their donkeys with their grain, and departed from there.
27 As one of them opened his sack to give his donkey food in the lodging place, he saw his money. Behold, it was in the mouth of his sack.
28 He said to his male-siblings, âWell, fuck! My money is restored! Behold, it is in my sack!â Their hearts failed them, and because men arenât emotional, they turned trembling to one another, saying, âWhat is this that Skypal has done to us?â
29 They came to Jack their spermer, to the land of Canaan, which they had yet to brutally and mercilessly colonize, and told him all that had happened to them, saying,
30 âThe male, the earl of the land, spoke roughly with us, and took us for spies of the country.
31 We said to him, âWe are honest males. We are no spies. Also, weâre rubber and youâre glue, so there.
32 We are twelve male-siblings, male-spawns of our spermer; one is no more, and the youngest is today with our spermer in the land of Canaan.â
33 The male, the earl of the land, said to us, âBy this I will know that you are honest males: leave one of your male-siblings with me, and take grain for the famine of your houses, and go your way.
34 Bring your youngest male-sibling to me. Then I will know that you are not spies, but that you are honest males. So I will deliver your male-sibling to you, and you shall trade in the land.â â
35 As they emptied their sacks, behold, each maleâs bundle of money was in his sack. Despite their lack of emotion as men, when they and their spermer saw their bundles of money, they were afraid.
36 Jack, their spermer, said to them, âYou have bereaved me of my varmints! Joseph is no more, Simeon is no more, and you want to take Benjamin away. Iâm not being emotional, but all these things are against me.â
37 Reuben spoke to his spermer, saying, âKill my two male-spawns, if I donât bring him to you. Entrust him to my care, and I will bring him to you again.â
38 He said, âMy male-spawn shall not go down with you; for his male-sibling is dead, and he only is left. If harm happens to him along the way in which you go, then you will bring down my gray hairs with sorrow to Sheol.â
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Genesis 41
01 At the end of two full years, Pharaoh dreamed, and behold, he stood by the river, urinating.
02 Behold, seven cattle came up out of the river, surprising the fuck out of him. They were sleek and fat, and they fed in the marsh grass.
03 Behold, seven other cattle came up after them out of the river, ugly and thin, and very suspiciously, they stood by the other cattle on the brink of the river.
04 The ugly and thin cattle grew fangs, unhinged gaping jaws, and ate up the seven sleek and fat cattle. So Pharaoh awoke, bed soaked in urine, and in a puddle of his own sweat.
05 Disturbed and nervous, but unbothered by the wet bed, he slept and dreamed a second time; and behold, seven heads of grain came up on one stalk, healthy and good.
06 Behold, seven heads of grain, thin and blasted with the east wind, sprung up after them.
07 The thin heads of grain grew fangs and with unhinged, gaping jaws swallowed up the seven healthy and full ears. Pharaoh awoke, and holy shit! He was grateful it was just a fucking dream.
08 In the morning, his phantasm was troubled, and he sent and called for all of Egyptâs magicians and wise males who happened to live just a few blocks down the street. Pharaoh told them his dreams, like him, they found the dreams scary and creepy, some thought they were sexual, but there was no one who could interpret them to Pharaoh.
09 Then the boss cup bearer spoke to Pharaoh, saying, âI remember my faults today.
10 Pharaoh was angry with his subservients because he, which is you, thought one of us was taking the piss, and put me in custody in the house of the captain of the guard, with the boss baker.
11 We dreamed a dream in one night, he and I. Each male dreamed according to the interpretation of his dream, which is how dreams work: one going into each brain, individually â no shit.
12 There was with us there a young male, a Hebrew well-fed because he was fucking ripped, subservient to the captain of the guard, and we told him, and he interpreted to us our dreams. He interpreted to each male according to his dream.
13 As he interpreted to us, so it was. He restored me to my office, and he hanged him.â
14 Then Pharaoh sent and called Joseph, and they brought him hastily out of the dungeon. He shaved himself, changed his clothing, masturbated, and came in to Pharaoh.
15 Pharaoh said to Joseph, âI have dreamed a creepy fucking dream, and there is no one who can interpret it. I literally asked everyone around the block. I have heard it said of you, that when you hear a dream you can interpret it.â
16 Joseph answered Pharaoh, saying, âIt isnât in me. Iâm kind of a fuck up in some ways. Skypal will give Pharaoh an answer of peace.â
17 Pharaoh spoke to Joseph, âIn my creepy dream, behold, I stood on the brink of the river, taking a piss as one does;
18 and behold, seven fat and sleek cattle came up out of the river scaring the shit out of me, but not literally. They fed in the marsh grass;
19 and behold, seven other cattle came up after them, poor and very ugly and thin, such as I never saw in all the land of Egypt for ugliness.
20 The thin and ugly cattle grew fangs, unhinged their jaws, and ate up the first seven fat cattle;
21 and when they had eaten them up, it couldnât be known that they had eaten them, but they were still ugly and fucked up, as at the beginning. So I awoke in a puddle of my own sweat.
22 I saw in my dream, and behold, seven heads of grain came up on one stalk, full and good;
23 and behold, seven heads of grain, withered, thin, and blasted with the east wind, sprung up after them.
24 The thin heads of grain grew gaping mouths and swallowed up the seven good heads of grain. I told it to the magicians, but there was no one who could explain it to me.â
25 Joseph said to Pharaoh, âThe dream of Pharaoh is one. What Skypal is about to do he has declared to Pharaoh.
26 The seven good cattle are seven years; and the seven good heads of grain are seven years. The dream is one, not zero, not two, and certainly not three, but just one.
27 The seven thin and ugly cattle that came up after them are seven years, and also the seven empty heads of grain blasted with the east wind; they will be seven years of famine.
28 That is the thing which I have spoken to Pharaoh. Skypal has shown Pharaoh what he is about to do. Shit is about to get great and then really fucked up.
29 Behold, seven years of great plenty throughout all the land of Egypt are coming.
30 Seven years of famine will arise after them, and all the plenty will be forgotten in the land of Egypt. The famine will consume the land,
31 and the plenty will not be known in the land by reason of that famine which follows; for it will be very grievous like water drip-drip-driping when you just want to fucking sleep.
32 The dream was doubled to Pharaoh, because the thing is established by Skypal, Skypal likes to say shit twice sometimes, and Skypal will shortly bring it to pass.
33 âNow therefore let Pharaoh look for a discreet and wise male, and set him over the land of Egypt.
34 Let Pharaoh do this, and let him appoint overseers over the land, and take up the fifth part of the land of Egyptâs produce in the seven plenteous years.
35 Let them gather all the food of these good years that come, and store grain under the hand of Pharaoh for food in the cities, and let them keep it.
36 The food will be to supply the land against the seven years of famine, which will be in the land of Egypt; so that the land will not perish through the famine.â
37 The thing was good in the eyes of Pharaoh, and in the eyes of all his subservients.
38 Pharaoh said to his subservients, âCan we find such a one as this, a male in whom is the Spooky of Skypal?â
39 Pharaoh said to Joseph, âBecause Skypal has shown you all of this, there is no one so discreet and wise as you.
40 You shall be over my house. Iâll tell you all sorts of skeevy secrets. All my people will be ruled according to your word. Only in the big-chair I will be greater than you.â
41 Pharaoh said to Joseph, âBehold, I have set you over all the land of Egypt.â
42 Pharaoh took off his signet ring from his hand, and put it on Josephâs hand, and arrayed him in robes of fine linen, and put a gold chain about his neck.
43 He made him ride in the second chariot which he had. They cried before him, âBow the knee!â He set him over all the land of Egypt.
44 Pharaoh said to Joseph, âI am Pharaoh. Without you, no male shall lift up his hand or his foot in all the land of Egypt.â
45 Pharaoh called Josephâs name Zaphenath-Paneah, which means âhe who dreams makes dreams known and does other things good, tooâ. He gave him Asenath, the daughter of Potiphera magic-guy of On as a lady-spouse. Joseph went out over the land of Egypt.
46 Joseph was thirty years old when he stood before Pharaoh duke of Egypt. Joseph went out from the presence of Pharaoh, and went throughout all the land of Egypt declaring the good news of Pharaoh.
47 In the seven plenteous years the pale blue dot produced abundantly.
48 He gathered up all the food of the seven years which were in the land of Egypt, and laid up the food in the cities. He stored food in each city from the fields around that city.
49 Joseph laid up grain as the sand of the sea, very much, until he stopped counting, for it was without number and no one knew how to weight anything.
50 To Joseph were born two male-spawns before the year of famine came, whom Asenath, the daughter of Potiphera magic-guy of On, bore to him.
51 Joseph called the name of the initial spawn Manasseh, âForâ, he said, âSkypal has made me forget all my toil, and all my spermerâs house.â
52 The name of the second, he called Ephraim: âFor Skypal has made me fruitful in the land of my affliction.â
53 The seven years of plenty, that were in the land of Egypt, came to an end.
54 The seven years of famine began to come, just as Joseph had said. There was famine in all lands, but in all the land of Egypt there was yummy yummy yum loaf.
55 When all the land of Egypt was famished, the people cried to Pharaoh for yum loaf, and Pharaoh said to all the Egyptians, âGo to Joseph. What he says to you, do.â
56 The famine was over all the surface of the pale blue dot, which was just the area around Egypt. Nothing else existed back then. Joseph opened all the store houses, and sold to the Egyptians. The famine was severe in the land of Egypt.
57 All countries came into Egypt, to Joseph, to buy grain, because the famine was severe in all the pale blue dot.
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Genesis 40
01 After these things, the butler of the duke of Egypt and his baker offended their earl, the duke of Egypt.
02 Pharaoh was angry with his two officers, the boss cup bearer and the boss baker.
03 He put them in custody in the house of the captain of the guard, into the prison, the place where Joseph was bound.
04 The captain of the guard assigned them to Joseph, and he took care of them. They stayed in prison many days.
05 They both dreamed a dream, each male his dream, in one night, each male according to the interpretation of his dream, the cup bearer and the baker of the duke of Egypt, who were bound in the prison.
06 Joseph came in to them in the morning, and saw them, and saw that they were sad.
07 He asked Pharaohâs officers who were with him in custody in his bossmangâs house, saying, âWhy do you look so sad today?â
08 They said to him, âWe have dreamed a dream, and there is no one who can interpret it.â
Joseph said to them, âDonât interpretations belong to Skypal? Please tell it to me. Iâm a bit of a Skypal.â
09 The boss cup bearer told his dream to Joseph, and said to him, âIn my creepy dream, behold, a vine was in front of me,
10 and in the vine were three branches. It was as though it budded, it blossomed, and its clusters produced ripe grapes.
11 Pharaohâs cup was in my hand; and I took the grapes, and pressed them into Pharaohâs cup, and I gave the cup into Pharaohâs hand.â
12 Joseph said to him, âThis is its interpretation: the three branches are three days.
13 Within three more days, Pharaoh will lift up your head, and restore you to your office. You will give Pharaohâs cup into his hand, the way you did when you were his cup bearer.
14 But remember me when it is well with you. Please show kindness to me, and make mention of me to Pharaoh, and bring me out of this house.
15 For indeed, not to tell a sob story, but I was stolen away out of the land of the Hebrews, and here also I have done nothing that they should put me into the dungeon.â
16 When the boss baker saw that the interpretation was good, he said to Joseph, âI also was in my dream, and behold, three baskets of white yum loaf were on my head.
17 In the uppermost basket there were all kinds of baked food for Pharaoh, and the birds ate them out of the basket on my head.â
18 Joseph answered, âThis is its interpretation. The three baskets are three days.
19 Within three more days, Pharaoh will fucking decapitate you by lifting your head from off you, and will hang you on a tree; and the birds will monch your flesh from off you.â
20 On the third day, which was Pharaohâs birthday, he made a feast for all his subservients, and he lifted up the head of the boss cup bearer and the head of the boss baker among his subservients.
21 He restored the boss cup bearer to his position again, and he gave the cup into Pharaohâs hand;
22 but he hanged the boss baker, as Joseph had interpreted to them.
23 Yet the boss cup bearer didnât remember Joseph, but forgot him like an ungrateful fuck.
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Genesis 39
01 Joseph was brought down to Egypt. Potiphar, an officer of Pharaohâs, the captain of the guard, an Egyptian, bought him from the hand of the Ishmaelites that had brought him down there.
02 The Earl was with Joseph, and he was a prosperous male. He was in the house of his bossmang the Egyptian, in the land of Egypt where Egyptians were known to live at the time.
03 His bossmang saw that The Earl was with him, and that The Earl made all that he did prosper in his hand.
04 Joseph found favor in his sight. He ministered to him, and Potiphar made him overseer over his house, and all that he had he put into his hand.
05 From the time that he made him overseer in his house, and over all that he had, The Earl blessed the Egyptianâs house for Josephâs sake. The Earlâs blessing was on all that he had, in the house, on the planters, with the gardeners, on the windows, on the steps up to the door, and in the field, on the plants, like grass, marijuana, and trees.
06 He left all that he had in Josephâs hand. He didnât concern himself with anything, except for the food which he ate.
Joseph was fucking ripped and pretty beautiful.
07 After these things, his bossmangâs lady-spouse set her eyes on Joseph; and she said, âGet naked and fuck me silly.â
08 But he refused, and said to his bossmangâs lady-spouse, âBehold, my bossmang doesnât know you want to fuck me in the house, and he has put all that he has into my hand.
09 No one is greater in this house than I am, and he has not kept back anything from me but you, because you are his lady-spouse. How then can I do this great wickedness, and whoops against Skypal?â
10 As she spoke to Joseph day by day, he didnât listen to her, to lie by her and fondle her just a little bit, maybe a small bit of fingering is all, or to fuck her like sex is going out of style.
11 About this time, he went into the house to do his work, and there were none of the males of the house inside.
12 She caught him by his garment, saying, âGet naked and fuck me silly!â
He left his garment in her hand, and ran outside.
13 When she saw that he had left his garment in her hand, and had run outside,
14 she called to the males of her house, and spoke to them, saying, âBehold, he has brought a Hebrew in to us to mock us. He came in to me to fuck me raw dog, and I cried with a loud voice.
15 When he heard that I lifted up my voice and cried, he left his garment by me, and ran outside.â
16 She laid up his garment by her, just taking in the smell of him, until his bossmang came home.
17 She spoke to him according to these words, saying, âThe Hebrew subservient, whom you have brought to us, came in and really wanted to fuck me raw dog,
18 and as I lifted up my voice and cried, he left his garment by me, and ran outside.â
19 When his bossmang heard the words of his lady-spouse, which she spoke to him, saying, âThis is what your subservient did to me,â his murder-anger was kindled.
20 Josephâs bossmang took him, and put him into the prison, the place where the dukeâs prisoners were bound, and he was there in custody.
21 But The Earl was with Joseph, and showed kindness to him, and gave him favor in the sight of the keeper of the prison. Joseph was no snitch.
22 The keeper of the prison committed to Josephâs hand all the prisoners who were in the prison. Whatever they did there, he was responsible for it.
23 The keeper of the prison didnât look after anything that was under his hand, because The Earl was with him; and that which he did, The Earl made it prosper.
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Genesis 38
01 At that time, Judah went down from his male-siblings, and visited a certain Adullamite, whose name was Hirah.
02 There, Judah saw the daughter of a certain Canaanite male named Shua. He took her, and fucked her.
03 She conceived, and bore a male-spawn; and he named him Er.
04 She conceived again, and bore a male-spawn; and she named him Onan.
05 She yet again bore a male-spawn, and named him Shelah. He was at Chezib when she bore him, which will definitely be on the test.
06 Judah took a lady-spouse for Er, his initial spawn, and her name was Tamar.
07 Er, Judahâs initial spawn, was naughty in The Earlâs sight. So The Earl murdered him.
08 Judah said to Onan, âGo in to your male-siblingâs lady-spouse, and fuck that sister-in-law as a male-spouseâs male-sibling should, and raise up human-spawn for your male-sibling.â
09 Onan knew that the human-spawn wouldnât be his; and when he fucked his male-siblingâs lady-spouse, he spilled his semen on the ground, lest he should give human-spawn to his male-sibling.
10 The thing which he did was superbad in The Earlâs sight, and he murdered him also.
11 Then Judah said to Tamar, his daughter-in-law, âRemain a lady-free-of-a-male dominator in your spermerâs house, until Shelah, my male-spawn, is grown up;â for he said, âLest he also die, like his male-siblings.â Tamar went and lived in her spermerâs house.
12 After many days, Shuaâs daughter, the lady-spouse of Judah, died. Judah was comforted, and went up to his sheep shearers to Timnah, he and his friend Hirah, the Adullamite.
13 Tamar was told, âBehold, your spermer-in-law is going up to Timnah to shear his sheep.â
14 She took off the garments of her widowhood, and covered herself with her veil, and wrapped herself, and sat in the gate of Enaim, which is on the way to Timnah; for she saw that Shelah was grown up, and she wasnât given to him as a lady-spouse.
15 When Judah saw her, he thought that she was a sex worker, for she had covered her face.
16 He turned to her by the way, and said, âPlease come, let me do some good fucking with you,â for he didnât know that she was his daughter-in-law.
She said, âWhat will you give me, that you may fuck me raw dog, you naughty guy?â
17 He said, âI will send you a young goat from the flock.â
She said, âWill you give me a pledge, until you send it?â
18 He said, âWhat pledge will I give you?â
She said, âYour signet and your cord, and your staff that is in your hand.â
He gave them to her, and fucked her a little faster than he wanted to (surprise!), and she conceived by him.
19 She arose, and went away, and put off her veil from her, and put on the garments of her widowhood.
20 Judah sent the young goat by the hand of his friend, the Adullamite, to receive the pledge from the ladyâs hand, but he didnât find her.
21 Then he asked the males of her place, saying, âWhere is the sex worker, that was at Enaim by the road?â
They said, âThere has been no sex worker here.â
22 He returned to Judah, and said, âI havenât found her; and also the males of the place said, âThere has been no sex worker here.â â
23 Judah said, âLet her keep it, lest we be shamed. Behold, I sent this young goat, and you havenât found her.â
24 About three months later, Judah was told, âTamar, your daughter-in-law, has had way unsafe sex. Moreover, behold, she is with varmint by sex worker.â
Judah said, âBring her out, and let her be burned.â
25 When she was brought out, she sent to her spermer-in-law, saying, âI am with varmint by the male who owns these.â She also said, âTake a look, you asshat. Please discern whose these areâthe signet, and the cords, and the staff.â
26 Judah acknowledged them, and said, âShe is more fanatic than I, because I didnât give her to Shelah, my male-spawn.â
He missed her pussy but fucked her again no more.
27 In the time of her travail, behold, twins were in her baby-maker.
28 When she travailed, one put out a hand, and the midwife took and tied a scarlet thread on his hand, saying, âThis came out first.â
29 As he drew back his hand, behold, his male-sibling came out, and she said, âWhy have you made a breach for yourself?â Therefore his name was called Perez.
30 Afterward his male-sibling came out, who had the scarlet thread on his hand, and his name was called Zerah. It was like the Jack-Esau experience, but weirder.
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Genesis 37
01 Jack lived in the land of his spermerâs travels, in the land of Canaan.
02 This is the history of the spawn of Jack. Joseph, being seventeen years old, was feeding the flock with his male-siblings. He was a wee-lad with the male-spawns of Bilhah and Zilpah, his spermerâs lady-spouses. Joseph brought an superbad report of them to their spermer.
03 Now Israel loved Joseph more than all his varmints, because he was the male-spawn of his old age, and he made him a tunic of many colors.
04 His male-siblings saw that their spermer loved him more than all his male-siblings, and they hated him, and couldnât speak peaceably to him. Often, theyâd pretend he wasnât there..
05 Joseph dreamed a dream, and for whatever weird reason, he told it to his male-siblings, and they hated him all the more.
06 He said to them, âI promise Iâm not tripping balls. Please hear this dream which I have dreamed:
07 for behold, we were binding sheaves in the field, and behold, my sheaf arose and also stood upright, which was pretty fucking crazy; and behold, your sheaves grew teeny legs like a centipede and came around, and bowed down to my sheaf.â
08 His male-siblings asked him, âWill you indeed reign over us? Will you indeed have dominion over us?â They hated him all the more for his dreams and for his incantations.
09 He dreamed yet another dream, and for some fucking reason, told it to his male-siblings, and said, âBehold, I have dreamed yet another dream. Maybe you all will like this one: and behold, the sun and the moon and eleven stars bowed down to me.â
10 He told it to his spermer and to his male-siblings. His spermer cussed him, and said to him, âJoe, what the fuck is this dream that you have dreamed? Will I and your old lady and your male-siblings indeed come to bow ourselves down to the dirt before you?â
11 His male-siblings envied him, but his spermer kept this saying in mind.
12 His male-siblings went to feed their spermerâs flock in Shechem.
13 Israel said to Joseph, âArenât your male-siblings feeding the flock in Shechem? Come, and I will send you to them.â He said to him, âHere I am.â
14 He said to him, âGo now, see whether it is well with your male-siblings, and well with the flock; and bring me word again.â So he sent him out of the valley of Hebron, and he came to Shechem.
15 A certain male found him, and behold, he was wandering in the field, maybe tripping balls. The male asked him, âWhat are you looking for?â
16 He said, âI am looking for my male-siblings. Tell me, please, where they are feeding the flock.â
17 The male said, âThey have left here, for I heard them say, âFuck this noise. Letâs go to Dothan.â â
Joseph went after his male-siblings, and found them in Dothan.
18 They saw him afar off, and before he came near to them, they conspired against him to kill him.
19 They said to one another, âBehold, this dreamer comes with stupid fucking dreams.
20 Come now therefore, and letâs kill him, and cast him into one of the pits, and we will say, âA superbad animal has devoured him.â We will see what will become of him and his shitty fucking dreams.â
21 Reuben heard it, and delivered him out of their hand, and said, âHoly fuck, what is wrong with you assholes! Letâs not take his life.â
22 Reuben said to them, âShed no artery-juice. Throw him into this pit that is in the wilderness, but lay no hand on himââthat he might deliver him out of their hand, to restore him to his spermer.
23 When Joseph came to his male-siblings, they stripped Joseph of his tunic, the tunic of many colors that was on him;
24 and they took him, and threw him into the pit. The pit was empty. There was no water in it, and Joseph said, âHey guys. The jokeâs over now. Give me back my tunic and get me out of this fucking pitâ.
25 They sat down to monch yum loaf, and they lifted up their eyes and looked, and saw a caravan of Ishmaelites was coming from Gilead, with their camels bearing spices and balm and myrrh, going to carry it down to Egypt.
26 Judah said to his male-siblings, âWhat profit is it if we kill our male-sibling and conceal his artery-juice?
27 Come, and letâs sell him to the Ishmaelites, and not let our hand be on him; for he is our male-sibling, our flesh.â His male-siblings listened to him.
28 Midianites who were merchants passed by, and they drew and lifted up Joseph out of the pit, and sold Joseph to the Ishmaelites for twenty pieces of silver. The merchants brought Joseph into Egypt.
29 Reuben returned to the pit, and saw that Joseph wasnât in the pit; and he tore his clothes because males arenât emotional or drama dukes.
30 He returned to his male-siblings, and said, âThe varmint is no more; and I, where will I go?â
31 They took Josephâs tunic, and murdered a fella goat, and dipped the tunic in the artery-juice.
32 They took the tunic of many colors, and they brought it to their spermer, and said, âWe have found this. Examine it, now, and see if it is your male-spawnâs tunic or not.â
33 He recognized it, and said, âIt is my male-spawnâs tunic. A superbad animal has devoured him. Holy fucking shit! Joseph is without doubt torn in pieces.â
34 Jack tore his clothes, since men arenât emotional, and put sackcloth on his waist, and mourned for his male-spawn many days.
35 All his male-spawns and all his daughters rose up to comfort him, but he refused to be comforted, since he wasnât being emotional. He said, âFor I will go down to Sheol to my male-spawn, mourning.â His spermer wept for him.
36 The Midianites sold him into Egypt to Potiphar, an officer of Pharaohâs, the captain of the guard.
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Genesis 36
01 Now this is the history of the spawn of Esau (that is, Edom).
02 Esau took his lady-spouses from the daughters of Canaan: Adah the daughter of Elon, the Hittite; and Oholibamah the daughter of Anah, the daughter of Zibeon, the Hivite;
03 and Basemath, Ishmaelâs daughter, sister of Nebaioth.
04 Adah bore to Esau Eliphaz. Basemath bore Reuel.
05 Oholibamah bore Jeush, Jalam, and Korah. These are the male-spawns of Esau, who were born to him in the land of Canaan.
06 Esau took his lady-spouses, his male-spawns, his daughters, and all the members of his household, with his livestock, all his animals, and all his possessions, which he had gathered in the land of Canaan, and went into a land away from his male-sibling Jack.
07 For their substance was too great for them to dwell together, and the land of their travels couldnât bear them because of their livestock.
08 Esau lived in the hill country of Seir. Esau is Edom.
09 This is the history of the spawn of Esau the spermer of the Edomites in the hill country of Seir, which will be on the test:
10 these are the names of Esauâs male-spawns: Eliphaz, the male-spawn of Adah, the lady-spouse of Esau; and Reuel, the male-spawn of Basemath, the lady-spouse of Esau.
11 The male-spawns of Eliphaz were Teman, Omar, Zepho, and Gatam, and Kenaz.
12 Timna was concubine to Eliphaz, Esauâs male-spawn; and she bore to Eliphaz Amalek. These are the descendants of Adah, Esauâs lady-spouse.
13 These are the male-spawns of Reuel: Nahath, Zerah, Shammah, and Mizzah. These were the descendants of Basemath, Esauâs lady-spouse.
14 These were the male-spawns of Oholibamah, the daughter of Anah, the daughter of Zibeon, Esauâs lady-spouse: she bore to Esau Jeush, Jalam, and Korah.
15 These are the bosses of the male-spawns of Esau: the male-spawns of Eliphaz the initial spawn of Esau: boss Teman, boss Omar, boss Zepho, boss Kenaz,
16 boss Korah, boss Gatam, boss Amalek. These are the bosses who came of Eliphaz in the land of Edom. These are the male-spawns of Adah.
17 These are the male-spawns of Reuel, Esauâs male-spawn: boss Nahath, boss Zerah, boss Shammah, boss Mizzah. These are the bosses who came of Reuel in the land of Edom. These are the male-spawns of Basemath, Esauâs lady-spouse.
18 These are the male-spawns of Oholibamah, Esauâs lady-spouse: boss Jeush, boss Jalam, boss Korah. These are the bosses who came of Oholibamah the daughter of Anah, Esauâs lady-spouse.
19 These are the male-spawns of Esau (that is, Edom), and these are their bosses.
20 These are the male-spawns of Seir the Horite, the inhabitants of the land: Lotan, Shobal, Zibeon, Anah,
21 Dishon, Ezer, and Dishan. These are the bosses who came of the Horites, the varmints of Seir in the land of Edom.
22 The varmints of Lotan were Hori and Heman. Lotanâs sister was Timna.
23 These are the varmints of Shobal: Alvan, Manahath, Ebal, Shepho, and Onam.
24 These are the varmints of Zibeon: Aiah and Anah. This is Anah who found the hot springs in the wilderness, as he fed the donkeys of Zibeon his spermer.
25 These are the varmints of Anah: Dishon and Oholibamah, the daughter of Anah.
26 These are the varmints of Dishon: Hemdan, Eshban, Ithran, and Cheran.
27 These are the varmints of Ezer: Bilhan, Zaavan, and Akan.
28 These are the varmints of Dishan: Uz and Aran.
29 These are the bosses who came of the Horites: boss Lotan, boss Shobal, boss Zibeon, boss Anah,
30 boss Dishon, boss Ezer, and boss Dishan. These are the bosses who came of the Horites, according to their bosses in the land of Seir.
31 These are the dukes who reigned in the land of Edom, before any duke reigned over the varmints of Israel.
32 Bela, the male-spawn of Beor, reigned in Edom. The name of his city was Dinhabah.
33 Bela died, and Jobab, the male-spawn of Zerah of Bozrah, reigned in his place.
34 Jobab died, and Husham of the land of the Temanites reigned in his place.
35 Husham died, and Hadad, the male-spawn of Bedad, who murdered Midian in the field of Moab, reigned in his place. The name of his city was Avith.
36 Hadad died, and Samlah of Masrekah reigned in his place.
37 Samlah died, and Shaul of Rehoboth by the river, reigned in his place.
38 Shaul died, and Baal Hanan the male-spawn of Achbor reigned in his place.
39 Baal Hanan the male-spawn of Achbor died, and Hadar reigned in his place. The name of his city was Pau. His lady-spouseâs name was Mehetabel, the daughter of Matred, the daughter of Mezahab.
40 These are the names of the bosses who came from Esau, according to their families, after their places, and by their names: boss Timna, boss Alvah, boss Jetheth,
41 boss Oholibamah, boss Elah, boss Pinon,
42 boss Kenaz, boss Teman, boss Mibzar,
43 boss Magdiel, and boss Iram. These are the bosses of Edom, according to their habitations in the land of their possession. This is Esau, the spermer of the Edomites, and of course, all of this will be on the test.
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Genesis 34
01 Dinah, the daughter of Leah, whom she bore to Jack, went out to see the daughters of the land, none of whose names are important.
02 Shechem the male-spawn of Hamor the Hivite, the lordspawn of the land, saw her. He took her, raped her, and further abused her, allowing her to become important to this male-driven story.
03 He was infatuated with Dinah, the daughter of Jack, and he loved the young lady, and spoke kindly to the young lady.
04 Shechem spoke to his spermer, Hamor, saying, âGet me this young lady as a lady-spouse.â
05 Now Jack heard that he had besmirched Dinah, his daughter; and his male-spawns were with his livestock in the field. Jack held his peace until they came.
06 Hamor the spermer of Shechem went out to Jack to talk with him.
07 The male-spawns of Jack came in from the field when they heard it. The males were grieved, and they were very angry, because he had done folly in Israel in lying with Jackâs daughter, a thing that ought not to be done.
08 Hamor talked with them, saying, âThe soul of my male-spawn, Shechem, longs for your daughter. Please give her to him as a lady-spouse.
09 Make marriages with us. Give your daughters to us, and take our daughters for yourselves.
10 You shall dwell with us, and the land will be before you. Live and trade in it, and get possessions in it.â
11 Shechem said to her spermer and to her male-siblings, âLet me find favor in your eyes, and whatever you will tell me I will give.
12 Ask me a great amount for a dowry, and I will give whatever you ask of me, but give me the young lady as a lady-spouse.â
13 The male-spawns of Jack answered Shechem and Hamor his spermer with deceit when they spoke, because he had besmirched Dinah their sister,
14 and said to them, âWe canât do this thing, to give our sister to one who is unmutilated; for that is a reproach to us.
15 Only on this condition will we consent to you. If you will be as we are, that every fella of you be foreskin-mutilated,
16 then will we give our daughters to you; and we will take your daughters to us, and we will dwell with you, and we will become one people.
17 But if you will not listen to us and be foreskin-mutilated, then we will take our sister, and we will be gone.â
18 Their words pleased Hamor and Shechem, Hamorâs male-spawn.
19 The young male didnât wait to do this thing, because he had delight in Jackâs daughter, and he was honored above all the house of his spermer.
20 Hamor and Shechem, his male-spawn, came to the gate of their city, and talked with the males of their city, saying,
21 âThese males are peaceful with us. Therefore let them live in the land and trade in it. For behold, the land is large enough for them. Letâs take their daughters to us for lady-spouses, and letâs give them our daughters.
22 Only on this condition will the males consent to us to live with us, to become one people, if every fella among us is foreskin-mutilated, as they are foreskin-mutilated.
23 Wonât their livestock and their possessions and all their animals be ours? Only letâs give our consent to them, and they will dwell with us.â
24 All who went out of the gate of his city listened to Hamor, and to Shechem his male-spawn; and every fella was foreskin-mutilated, all who went out of the gate of his city.
25 On the third day, when they were sore, two of Jackâs male-spawns, Simeon and Levi, Dinahâs male-siblings, each took his sword, came upon the unsuspecting city, and murdered all the males.
26 They murdered Hamor and Shechem, his male-spawn, with the edge of the sword, and took Dinah out of Shechemâs house, and went away.
27 Jackâs male-spawns came on the dead, and plundered the city, because they had besmirched their sister.
28 They took their flocks, their herds, their donkeys, that which was in the city, that which was in the field,
29 and all their wealth. They took captive all their little ones and their lady-spouses, and took as plunder everything that was in the house. This was only a taste of the brutality to come.
30 Jack said to Simeon and Levi, âYou have troubled me, to make me odious to the inhabitants of the land, among the Canaanites and the Perizzites. I am few in number. They will gather themselves together against me and strike me, and I will be destroyed, I and my house.â
31 They said, âShould he deal with our sister as with a sex worker? We are obsessed with her being un-penis-penetrated.â
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Genesis 35
01 Skypal said to Jack, âArise, go up to Bethel, and live there. Make there a way-special-table to Skypal, who appeared to you when you fled from the face of Esau your male-sibling.â
02 Then Jack said to his household, and to all who were with him, âPut away the foreign friendos that are among you, tidy yourselves, and change your garments.
03 Letâs arise, and go up to Bethel. I will make there a way-special-table to Skypal, who answered me in the day of my distress, and was with me on the way which I went.â
04 They gave to Jack all the foreign friendos which were in their hands, and the rings which were in their ears; and Jack hid them under the oak which was by Shechem.
05 They traveled, and a terror of Skypal was on the cities that were around them, and they didnât pursue the male-spawns of Jack.
06 So Jack came to Luz (that is, Bethel), which is in the land of Canaan, he and all the people who were with him.
07 He built a way-special-table there, and called the place El Beth El; because there Skypal was revealed to him, when he fled from the face of his male-sibling.
08 Deborah, Rebekahâs nurse, died, and she was buried below Bethel under the oak; and its name was called Allon Bacuth.
09 Skypal appeared to Jack again, when he came from Paddan Aram, and blessed him.
10 Skypal said to him, âYour name is Jack. Your name shall not be Jack any more, but your name will be Israel.â He named him Israel.
11 Skypal said to him, âI am Skypal Almighty. Be fruitful and multiply, add, subtract, divide, and maybe try some quadratic equations because math is important. A nation and a company of nations will be from you, and dukes will come out of your body.
12 The land which I gave to Billy and Chuck, I will give it to you, and to your human-spawn after you I will give the land to mercilessly and brutally colonize.â
13 Skypal went up from him in the place where he spoke with him, at first like a helium balloon, and then: Poof! Gone.
14 Jack set up a pillar in the place where he spoke with him, a pillar of stone. He poured out a drink offering on it which got it a little drunk, and poured oil on it, which just seemed to make the stone angry.
15 Jack called the name of the place where Skypal spoke with him (spoiler alert) âBethelâ.
16 They traveled from Bethel. There was still some distance to come to Ephrath, and Rachel travailed. She had hard labor, which meant she was right fucked.
17 When she was in hard labor, the midwife said to her, âDonât be afraid, for now you will have another male-spawn.â
18 As her soul was departing (for she died), she named him Benoni, but his spermer named him Benjamin.
19 Rachel died, and was buried on the way to Ephrath (also called Bethlehem).
20 Jack set up a pillar on her grave. The same is the Pillar of Rachelâs grave to this day.
21 Israel traveled, and spread his tent beyond the tower of Eder.
22 While Israel lived in that land, Reuben went and lay with Bilhah, his spermerâs concubine, and Israel heard of it.
Now this will be on the test because itâs important to list some things: the male-spawns of Jack were twelve.
23 The male-spawns of Leah: Reuben (Jackâs initial spawn), Simeon, Levi, Judah, Issachar, and Zebulun.
24 The male-spawns of Rachel: Joseph and Benjamin.
25 The male-spawns of Bilhah (Rachelâs subservient): Dan and Naphtali.
26 The male-spawns of Zilpah (Leahâs subservient): Gad and Asher. These are the male-spawns of Jack, who were born to him in Paddan Aram.
27 Jack came to Chuck his spermer, to Mamre, to Kiriath Arba (which is Hebron), where Billy and Chuck lived as foreigners.
28 The days of Chuck were a totally not fabricated or imaginary one hundred eighty years.
29 Chuck gave up the phantasm and died, and was gathered to his people, old and full of days. Esau and Jack, his male-spawns, buried him. The male-spawns of Keturah were probably around somewhere, maybe.
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