S. O. S.

I lay outside, listening to the sound of the wind move the dying leaves of the trees as tears fall down my face. Autumn. The season of transition. I guess that’s what it’s called Autumn fall. Old habits die young.

Last night sucked. I got home from work which was OK, but I didn’t have the greatest service. Which probably effected my confidence a little. Then to be a sook I messaged my mate for beers. He was being slack at replying which left me feeling indecisive to if I went out or not. After having something to eat at home I decided to make my way out. When I arrived at Lotus Lounge the party was thriving. It was cheap Pale Ale’s and there were a bunch of heads I knew. The party was good but the guys I usually hang out with were a bad vibe. Oozing with junkie insecurity that I found myself slowly getting sucked into. I pretty much only went out to see a mate to lift my spirits. Though quickly it turned to shit. I was lining up to take a piss and I saw them all rush out of the club. All I saw was one of my mates chuck a ‘hang loose’ hand at me as they proceeded to leave. Though I thought they were just getting a drink then realized they left. I knew where they’d gone though. I heard earlier “$100 for a gram”. Which means one thing. Meth.

I was fucking pissed. Not only cause I have issues with friends always abandoning me and excluding me but because it’s over a drug that proceeds to ruin their psyches. Which I do nothing but try to be supportive to. There’s nothing I can do. They’ll make their choices but it hurts. It hurts real bad.

Maybe it hurts because I’m letting go of old habits. Maybe it hurts because my friends left me for a drug. Either or, I feel shit, and alone. It’s almost as if all the ‘fun’ is always surrounded by drugs. Or something destructive. Though the path of creation is isolating and depressing. There is no middle ground. This is causing a huge conflict within me. Who I hang around and what I want from life. I live for the soul. For the angels. Shrouded in darkness, shining light. That’s what I resonate with. Though these demonic energies are bringing me down. And the worst part is they’re people I love.

To top it off I made an advance on a girl I’ve been speaking too. She’s a really cool chick, seems honest and very genuine. Though after suggesting to catch up I haven’t heard back. I’m pretty terrible at relationships, and the texting game. I just do my best to be straight up and honest. Though now I feel shiter. Shit friends. Shit relationships. More resent. More insecurity. I’m trying to transmute but in the meantime I’m just sad. Very, very sad.

Preface

Although usually I love to dive straight into the depths of a new endeavor, with no prior planning or consideration. I thought (for once) it may be best to try something new as that attitude is the same one that brought here in the first place. Firstly I’ll introduce myself. I’m 23 years old (as of yesterday). I’m an unqualified Pizza Chef & Apprentice Chef. I’m a local music producer & DJ with musical roots as a singer & guitarist.

4 weeks ago I was in a relationship with who I thought was the love of my life. For all I know she possibly still is. Though here I am now talking about my ideas and philosophies to a computer screen and not my beloved. Though funnily enough after a deep period of introspection brought on not only by a break up but a nationwide shutdown response to COVID-19. I found out that my true beloved is, well, me. Don’t get me wrong, the cliche that is ‘love yourself before you love another’ is not foreign to me. In fact it rings more truth now than ever. Though in my eyes self love is a process that can’t be taught nor discovered through any kind of guided meditation or self help book but one that is initiated through the mere realisation that you’re just as lonely, broken and mentally ill as anyone else around you. Situations vary, yes. Archetypes and illnesses too. Though one thing remains consistent - that you are conscious. And boy, what a gift or curse that is depending on your mood. On a good day I’ll feel blessed with the knowledge and lessons life has provided me. Though on a bad one I'll turn rogue on my light and whinge about how sandwiched I feel by my circumstances. As if I’m Sisyphus pushing the boulder on a completely worthless endeavor while the gods stand on the sidelines laughing at me. How fucking depressing. One that is probably common enough for it to be written about by Albert Camus I suppose. Though my light shines brighter than ever. In fact I’ve never felt more determined for a resolution in my life. There’s just this one thing that haunts me though. The darkness. The fear. That voice that whispers in your ear at night. Like you’re being publicly executed as a crowd of raging supporters shout and throw stones at your naked body as you stand hunched over & defenseless. 3 hours ago I was standing pretty tall I thought. I was at work, exploring intellectual concepts with my colleague, like I had some idea of what was going on. Though when the night creeps in that all changes. The past haunts like a ghost, and I’m just a piece of flesh to provide the perfect conduit for my own demons.

That was all pretty dark, but it’s my truth. I’m split open, in two. In a constant war between the good & evil within. There’s nobody left to blame. Not the government. Not my circumstance. Nothing but myself now. Though accepting this is liberating. Why? Because right now you have a choice. Between fear & love. Light & dark. Choice or habit. Every action you take. Every word you speak. Every thought you conjure dictates your outcome. The past is behind you and the future is in front. You hold the pen, this is your scripture. Your destiny. Accept your past. Accept your failures. I refuse to engage in the same damaging behaviors that have brought myself and others around me down. It’s the path of personal responsibility. I’ve always said, with consciousness comes a choice. Once aware you have a choice to continue the cycle through repeated actions and outcomes. Or break them by choosing to act with innovation. The choice between insanity or evolution. 

I hereby mark the first step to my sobriety & my new path. Tomorrow is day one.

The first day of forever.