Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me.

Carol Burnett (via quotefeeling)

Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also more hard to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden: it is easier to say “My tooth is aching” than to say “My heart is broken.

C.S. Lewis (via thoughtkick)

One.

second coffee in and the house is still a mess. Trying to stop my brain from obsessing over food. I use my son as an excuse a lot to order out.. thats all i can think about today. food. food. food. trying to drink water and coffee to not feel hungry. I have had a meal today but the thoughts linger. I want to go outside but the house work is behind and i need to get things done today.. I have to remember bad days are allowed. Goal one: dishes done-kitchen picked up. Goal two: finish laundry-fold. Goal three: jump today for as long as i can. Tomorrow can be a park/walk day. 

Thinking of goals...

Once my kids starts back to school next week I want to really push myself and start walking. I know that doesn't seem like a lot but with how much i weigh i think its a good start. I also have a trampoline i can do exercises on at home. My goal for walking is two miles, so a mile to where ever, turn around and a mile home. This should burn about 600 or so calories based on my weight. I want to get outside as much as i can before the cold sets in too much this year. I think i want to set my goal for 30 days of walking minus weekends because ill be doing family stuff. and my body will need a break since I am new. I want to start September 8th since that's his first day back so yeah. Until then ill be doing my jumping on the trampoline. I did it for the first time yesterday and was able to do almost 8 minutes straight so I am just going to work off of that, mind you i was just lightly jumping and trying to keep pace but thats a start for me. 

This is me.

I thought since this is all new id share a little bit about me. Not sure if this account will ever really be seen but even if no one ever sees it im going to act like im talking to new friends and assume people care. Im 28 years old with a 6 year old autistic son. When I had him I went through PPD and me and his dad were struggling in our relationship as many new parents do. All combined and dealing with body shamming from not only myself but someone I trusted, being sucked into an ED because of that, and then the stress of working and taking care of a kid who I now am a full time stay at home mother of for about two years now which comes with a lot of its own stresses.. I am 5′1, just weighed today at 250 pounds.. ugh. Im not even mad about the number. Im just mad that im so incredibly unhealthy. For my height I just am so heavy and it hurts me every day. Im not really looking to be at a certain weight. I have a number in mind but i know its not set in stone. I just want to look in the mirror and love what i see. Im so tired of looking at myself and crying. Crying in the shower because of how much i hate myself ya know? My partner touches me and my first thought is that i hate myself. Ive gone through a lot which im not sure i want to fully get into but i think for anyone who feels alone, Ive been through the ringer with DV, growing up with family who is broken on all levels.. and going through the trials of having my kid diagnosed with autism so for anyone who needs someone to follow or someone to talk to just know im a real person who has probably been through it or just that im whiling to listen. I dont have any friends and it sucks not having someone to talk to. My goal is to help myself, mind and body however if I can help someone else too then maybe my life wont be as meaningless as it seems sometimes..