dmv: can i have you birth certificate

me: i dont have it but you can trust! 😁✌️

dmv: ok! 😁✌️here is your license

me: its so small and cute! 😳

dmv: just like you! ☺️

You bring him to a party with a vibe pushed deep into his cunt, and pass the remote around.

He spends most of the first half-hour clinging to your arm, whining and shuddering, sometimes squealing when someone cruel turns the vibe up particularly hard. But it’s never enough to make him come - you made sure of that. It just makes him writhe, and whimper, and leak so much that you have to scold him for dribbling on the host’s clean floor.

Surely the mess deserves a punishment, you say loudly, but you’ll give him a chance. If he can guess who has the remote now, you’ll give his poor wet cunt a rest: he can have the remote for the rest of the night.

If he can’t, he'll be punished, and doubly so for squandering the chance you gave him.

He shakes as the crowd gathers around to leer, their hands hidden in their pockets or behind their backs, and the vibe still buzzes relentlessly, melting his mind. Anyone could have the remote, and he knows better than to keep you waiting - he finally points at a man with a crueler smile than most, who seems to be moving his hand almost in time to the pulsing of the vibe.

He’s wrong, of course. The crowd cheers.

His punishment is an orgasm, on his hands and knees before the crowd, fucking himself back on your fingers. The humiliation brings tears to his eyes, and your fingertips jolt the vibe still inside him with each stroke, but the climax after being teased so long is almost a relief.

But then the vibe buzzes back to life inside him, and now he’s even more swollen and sensitive and overwhelmed. The party’s barely started, and his real punishment has just begun.

You ask him again, with a smile: Who has the remote?

Sex in the car while it's raining ,,,, SEX IN THE CAR WHILE ITS RAINING !!!!!

parents be like "my daughter turned out completely fine!!" your son whines like a dog when he jerks off

wanna have a cute lil freak in the passenger seat next to me during a road trip. a vibrator stuffed inside of their wet little hole, kept in by a tight pair of undies. no matter how much you squeeze your thighs closed, cross your legs, shift positions, you can’t escape the feeling of those vibrations relentlessly buzzing inside of you. every time we pass a speed bump, it thrusts up into you a little bit and makes you whine. by the time we get to our destination, you’ve already cum a handful of times, got the car seat all wet and now have to walk to our hotel room with your slick running down your shaky thighs. soooo so cute and sloppy and fucked out before we even start. all of that only to warm you up to take my thick, long strap the second we get in bed. should be so easy to just slide it in and fuck that needy hole.

ⓘ This user is desperate for hot makeout sessions w inappropriate touching

Guys. I have this new AU called Master Stark where Tony Stark ends up at Kamar-Taj and becomes a Master and uh, I need some weird rules that Wong only put into place because of Tony.

These are the rules so far:

No licking the books

Time travel is forbidden in the library

No one is allowed to read while standing up and/or walking in the library

the use of technology is forbidden in the library

anything to add?

new fic probably complete with trans Wong, aro/ace Wong, pan Stephen, all the angst and hurt/comfort and afjtsgjv

Love Yourself (even if sometimes others have to do it for you)

*laughs*

may i present:

-Rosa from B99

-Terry from B99

-Wong from DS

-Stephen from DS

-Jonk Watson

-Mariana from sh&co

my favorite customer service slip ups

“Walrus on your doorstop” this “fairy’s more unrealistic” that my professor just uttered the sentence “there was one day I found a real octopus in my backyard” this man hasn’t left Utah his entire life. How was there an octopus in his backyard in Utah. He then said “I do not have time to elaborate we need to cover a lot today in class” GIRL WHAT DO YOU MEEAN

I saw a post saying that Boromir looked too scruffy in FotR for a Captain of Gondor, and I tried to move on, but I’m hyperfixating. Has anyone ever solo backpacked? I have. By the end, not only did I look like shit, but by day two I was talking to myself. On another occasion I did fourteen days’ backcountry as the lone woman in a group of twelve men, no showers, no deodorant, and brother, by the end of that we were all EXTREMELY feral. You think we looked like heirs to the throne of anywhere? We were thirteen wolverines in ripstop.

My boy Boromir? Spent FOUR MONTHS in the wilderness! Alone! No roads! High floods! His horse died! I’m amazed he showed up to Imladris wearing clothes, let alone with a decent haircut. I’m fully convinced that he left Gondor looking like Richard Sharpe being presented to the Prince Regent in 1813

*electric guitar riff*

And then rocked up to Imladris a hundred ten days later like

Vampire that’s dirt poor, doesn’t have a sprawling manor or vast riches accumulated by interest. Can’t afford those black leather boots they really want. Travels as a bat to save money not cuz they like it.

Your partner is trying to hide their nonhuman nature. You figured it out months ago but play along because you find their antics amusing.